What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

JoJoB

I don't want to sound harsh, but your kids will treat you better if you take control of your life and get rid of this man asap. A doormat mother who allows herself to be taken advantage of and made miserable is not going to be appreciated by her kids, especially teenagers. And don't wander around with a smile on your face when your son is slagging you off - damn well tell him that it is not acceptable and not to talk to you that way. Smiling while being treated like !!!!!! is really sending mixed messages, and to be honest, extremely passive aggressive.

Really hope you get your self respect back soon. Either get your relationship on more equal terms or begin a new life as a strong independent woman. It may sound difficult, but the first move is easy - find a house you can picture yourself and your kids being happy in and move into it. Be decisive, stop dithering and make yourself all about action. OH is realising that this financial offer is changing the balance of power in your relationship which is why he is digging his heels in and latching onto any ideas of taking his "half" should he leave. Move without him and if he is really in love with you and wants to be with you then he will really work on improving your relationship to the point where you can move in and start again.

Your OH has made you the scapegoat in this family and your kids are joining in this dynamic because they need an outlet for their frustrations about how unhappy they obviously are in this family atmosphere. He is manipulating the kids into beating you down even more - don't let this happen. You have a little one now, do you really want to subject your youngest to this psychodrama? You have a huge chance now to change your life in every way for the better and I hope you can find the strength to go for it!

Bennifred

Excellent post, JoJoB! :T

Come on, angel_delight - we're all rooting for you!

Zazen999

Gordon Bennett.....all that !!!! and you don't even enjoy the sex?

So.....what are you getting out of this relationship again?

Apart from your children learning all your OH's worst traits, that is.

margaretclare

My dear young woman, I have just read your latest long post and I am amazed at what women are prepared to put up with nowadays. I thought my first husband was the most un-money-savvy man in the world ('didn't believe' in life assurance until too late and thought a gentleman didn't talk about money!) but I never heard anything like this - that if a couple split he should add up all he's put in and demand it back. For the Lord's sake, he'd have to live somewhere, wouldn't he? And so what if he did a bit of wallpapering, painting and the like - I've known people who lived in accommodation they knew was going to be temporary but even so, they did things just to improve their environment, increase their comfort for themselves and their family and did not ask for the money back when, as they knew it would, it ended. I am lost for words.

In my second marriage, I see how it can be at its best. DH and I share equally, we discuss, we argue sometimes and we don't always see eye-to-eye (he thinks I'm too impulsive, he'll go back to a shop and sit on a chair 6 different times before deciding to buy it!!) but we always come to an agreement. Just now I am paying £1200 for the front drive to be re-done out of my September annuity, but he paid for most of our recent holiday (which cost us more than expected because of the dire exchange rate) and we do it this way because we share. It was my house originally, but since he moved in, especially since we married, it is ours. That's the only way we can be. I could not live in the sort of set-up you describe, and I am amazed that anyone can, even, as ailuro2 says, for the sake of the children. What kind of messages are the young folks getting from this kind of an atmosphere? Confusion, that's for sure, and goodness knows what else.

For your OH's information, child benefit was NOT given to the woman to cover all the expenses of bringing up a child. When it was started, it was in the days when it was assumed that the basics would be covered - food, a roof over their heads, clothing - and those things would come out of the bread-winner's contribution. Child benefit was meant to cover all the other things - little Johnny's new shoes for school, all the extra bits and pieces. It was changed from being included in the man's tax allowance because there was evidence that some women did not see that extra money and they were the ones who bought the children's clothes, fed them etc and were going short themselves. Sounds like a different world, doesn't it? Yes, it was.

I now see that I was wrong in my original estimate at the start of this thread, that your Mum was exerting emotional blackmail. I must apologise to her.

It is true that people can die suddenly, unexpectedly, as roswell says. I know that better than most. Neither of my parents saw their 65th birthday, my first husband did not see his 60th, and my younger daughter did not see her 40th. As your Mum is a businesslike person just like my DH, she wants all her affairs in order. I agree with her.

Not thinking too straight just now - my old drive being dug up, jack-hammers just outside my window! Sorry!

Zazen999

Can I just point out one little quirk......I asked how much he is paying IN and you tell me how much he has LEFT OVER.

I couldn't give a monkey's how much he has left [his money] I was asking about his contribution to the household pot - can you see that a question that asks what his contribution is ended up being answered as HIS spare cash not the FAMILY cash.

Interesting.

bestpud

You fear being lonely?? Are you saying your OH is good company?

You would still have your children, and hopefully a better relationship with them.

Loneliness, imo anyway, is as much a state of mind as actually being alone.

Seems to me you are alone in your current relationship!

carolan78

Angel_Delight my heart really does go out to you. Re read your last post sweetheart, this man doesn't give a monkies about you or YOUR family (he obviously doesn't concider them his). He is nothing more than a lodger you have to badger for his rent each week and take sex you don't even enjoy when it suits!

I have another suggestion for you, why not tell your Mum you want the house but you don't want him to move with you. Ask what her budget was for the house, then say you would like to spend x of that budget on a house and put the rest in savings so you can stop work and retrain to get a daytime job you actually enjoy.

As for oh leave him in the council house, it's not a bedsit so he should be happy he has one up on his mum. This man doesn't love you or your children, my dh would never dream of not been involved in our childrens lives. The gifts ect don't matter but it would have took a lot for him to miss their first day at school, he realises over the years it is little things like that you can never snatch back. Oh has pretty much told you he staying because it is easy, do you honestly want to end up in you 50's with no children at home and a man living you really don't like or respect still sharing your bed "because it's easy"?

You do have strength, you wouldn't have posted if you didn't. You by no means stupid either. As another poster said, start acting like you have the confidance and one day you will realise it is no longer an act, you will become a shadow of the person you are now and think why did it take so long for me to move on.

Good luck hun again if you take the house or discuss another route with your mum, I think you need to ask for a fourth option..help hetting shot of your oh xx

lynzpower

Zazen999 wrote: »

Can I just point out one little quirk......I asked how much he is paying IN and you tell me how much he has LEFT OVER.

I couldn't give a monkey's how much he has left [his money] I was asking about his contribution to the household pot - can you see that a question that asks what his contribution is ends up being answered as HIS spare cash not the FAMILY cash.

Interesting.

If he has 60 quid "left over" I took that to mean, he has 60 lerft to spend on himself after his family committments ( bills etc) are paid. However, he doesnt pay those ( eg gas bil) so where does the money go? Additionally- I personally woulndt say OH had money to himself until he has paid into the "presents & gifts" account we have, both put same amount in, then when birthdays Xmas inevitably come round we can comfortably buy things and not have to have a duiscussion about it.

Contributing "a fiver or a tenner" per year to gifts and arrangement for a child is a total pi55take in my view, I have donated more than that in small change to charity shakers. Is he emotionally connected to your child, what is the interaction like?

Zazen999

lynzpower wrote: »

If he has 60 quid "left over" I took that to mean, he has 60 lerft to spend on himself after his family committments ( bills etc) are paid. However, he doesnt pay those ( eg gas bil) so where does the money go? Additionally- I personally woulndt say OH had money to himself until he has paid into the "presents & gifts" account we have, both put same amount in, then when birthdays Xmas inevitably come round we can comfortably buy things and not have to have a duiscussion about it.

Contributing "a fiver or a tenner" per year to gifts and arrangement for a child is a total pi55take in my view, I have donated more than that in small change to charity shakers. Is he emotionally connected to your child, what is the interaction like?

I was trying to work out where the whole 'It's not worth paying more than £50 in rent' line was going......so trying to see how much he pays now versus how much he thinks he can get away with if OP did get a new house....

Katie-Kat-Kins

Leave him in his precious council house with his big windows and move out and on with your life. He is no good for your or your children and is dragging you all down. You can do so much better for your family.

Best of Luck!