What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

Glen0000

angel_delight wrote: »

like other women on here. I'm no spring chicken (35 next friday),

OMG!!! 35 is not over the hill. I am a similar age and my life hasn't even begun yet! 35 is YOUNG!!! Many women/men that age are not even married yet or have kids.

35 is considered old by some people? God that is depressing!

poet123

Having read that eloquent response I am even more convinced that it is your mindset and outlook which is holding you back in every area of your life. You are thoughtful, insightful and articulate, and could easily do much more than a "menial" job.

Re read the posts and look at who you mention most as the problem....it isnt your mother.

At 35 you have a lot of years infront of you, too many to be with the wrong man, in a difficult realtionship which causes more angst than joy.

You have the means to change that, many woman stuck in your kind of situation can only dream about that, for your own sake, never mind the kids sake, think carefully about how to make your life better longterm.

Zazen999

angel_delight wrote: »

It's not that I can't see the bigger picture or the good in all this, I just can't seem to shrug off endless worries/insecurities. I have this bad habit of I suppose being pesemistic/negative

No - really!!! :rolleyes:

angel_delight wrote: »

:rotfl:at do the telling of your o.h rather than just catching what he throws- he already thinks i'm a control freak enough because I moan to him about his priorities or rather lack of- that includes time spent with me to his mate/hobbies never mind finacially. He'd make out of course to my mum he would save that money for essentials if my mum approached him and even might do for a short time but could I trust him long term to? No. Maybe if he wasn't like this I wouldn't be so afraid of taking this oppurtunity?

You are confusing moaning with not accepting......if you moan and still accept then you will get nowhere.

If you were a chap I'd suggesting 'grow some' but I'm not that mean

carolan78

I have to agree with Poet your OH seems to be the root of most of your worries. From what you have wrote he is not helping your self confidance at all, you can not rely on him (who is your rock if it isn't your partner?).

I think your Mum is extremely worried you are going to waste your life with this man, she will have watched as your self confidance has diminished through they years with him (I am in no doubt he will have seriously dented it from what you have said). You will have strength inside you, you will be able to do it alone and I am certain if you were in a situation in your own home and needed finacial help your Mum would help (if you were without partner).

There isn't just your feelings you need to concider it is that of your childrens, you said you would never hear the end of it from them if you refuse and I can't blame them. They will have picked up on any bad vibes with OH, they will know the relationship is rocky. At least if you took this house they would know they will always have something stable in their lives and OH can't have any control over that.

OH calls you controlling but I think he is perhaps the controlling one in this realtionship using you fears as his tool. Just sit back and re read everything you have wrote. I don't see how staying in a council house can change anything and from your own admissions things can't really stay as they are, you are not happy with your life regardless of this offer. Really hope you can come to some decision that doesn't involve charity, and understand why your mum is giving you the options rather than the cash. She is probably hoping the house option will give you the lifeline you need to get rid of your parnter.

poet123

Look at it from another perspective, fast forward 20 years, and imagine you are the mother watching your daughter in this situation, your little girl, you have the power to really help, but for some unfathomable reason she wont take it, and, you can also see your grandchildren going without the things you can provide. How would you feel?

Bethankim

Hiya have had a read through and have you thought about a 4th option one that benefits you and your long term future and therefore your childrens.

what comes accross so loudly to me is that your self esteem, confidence are so low you limit yourself and your choices. You want to change but not sure how, you want more but as much as your current situation gets you down sometimes, its safe and you know how to handle it.

forget the house, forget the money for the kids and im aware im making an assumption but perhaps what your mum is trying to say is I love you and i want to help and want you to be happy and for want of waiting for you to "conform" i will make a decision.

perhaps look at it another way - a chance to inves tin yourself ask your self a few questions

If you could do anything as a job/career what would it be - what makes you think oh id love to do that?
does it require qualifications? not i will do something just to get by but a real desire to do something you would love.
how many steps would it take - dont think climbing a mountain but a ladder each rung at a time

so for instance say you have always wanted to be a teacher.
step 1 - maths and english GCSE's
step 2 - 5 gcse's
step 3 - access to uni
step 4 - degree
step 5 - PCGE

make a plan for you - like a buisness plan mum i have decided i really want to do X - what i wouldreally appreciate investment in my future as you want to help. Itwill cost X to acheve my aims i need to do XYZ

perhaps councelling or confidence building course to hep you identify your strengths, and your fears - may be even a life coach

training investment for your future

once you have had help identfying what and how then approach your mum and if she genguinly wants to help you then she may well be so pleased you have worked out how to help yourself achieve things important to you she agrees to help.

that way you then have choices, you can choose to continue to accept your relationship as it is or not, choose to inspire your children or not and most important choose the things that ar eimportant to you rather than allow yourself to be constrianed by your own fear.

How do i know this because for 38 out of my 39 years i was so afraid of trying anything and faling i didnt it was only when i realised with the hep of my councelor i finally understood i wasnt afraid of failure i was afraid of success because success means people may have expectations. However its not peoples expectations i now worry about its my expectations of me..and i now expect to get what i work for and what i deserve..

a happy, healthy and fullfulled future without the fear limiting my choices.

sorry for the long post - i hope you choose the right thing for you. But to make a change you have to accept and decide something isnt working for you..and only you can know that.

beth

BitterAndTwisted

It's plain to me from all you have written that your mother loves you very, very much and is obviously motivated by her concern for your future well-being and financial security and that of your children, especially with your present partner in the picture.

If you haven't learned anything, you must have learned that it truly is possible to make your own path in life, make your own mistakes from the wonderful example your mother has set you even if the cost seems quite high from where you're standing. You don't have to live the life-style that your mother and sister do if you don't want to, and you don't have to make the same sacrifices your mother has. I believe your mother feels you're making sacrifices of a different kind: you have different values and aspirations but you could have better and you do deserve to have better.

I think your mother sounds wonderful and she is obviously a very clever and perceptive lady. Think about the hurt and frustration she might be feeling, seeing you not try and make the very best of what she obviously feels you have the potential to achieve if only you had the tools to achieve it. She's trying to put the tools in your hand. Reach out and accept it: I'm sure you'll make her very happy. Talk to her about everything you've written here to explain your reservations about what she has proposed. This may be your last chance because she might become completely exasperated with your unwillingness to move to what she sees as a better place in your life. You have nothing to lose except the possibility of real security and happiness. I envy you, I really do.

peachyprice

Having read through your posts it's quite plain your resentments and anger are aimed at the wrong person. Your mother isn't the problem in your life, she's the one trying her best to help you out of the rut you are in. The problem person in your life is so obviously your OH.

You say if your mum bought you the house your OH would spend the equivalent of the rent money on himself and you are frightened of being financially in the mire with your own house to keep, but on the other hand you say if you had the cash you would put it in an account and not let him get his hands on it. Can you not see how naive that is. If he's the sort of person who wouldn't save the rent money for emergencies he sure as hell won't continue to pay the rent knowing you have all that cash sitting in the bank.

The more you have written makes it all the more understandable just why your mother is putting conditions on your inheritance, she can see right through your OH and knows unles the money is for something specific your OH will fritter it away, perhaps not directly, but one way or another the money will be spent with nothinbg to show for it other than more gadgets etc. for your OH.

liuhut

Can I just make a suggestion, how about the ammount of money your mum has set for the house...I dont know, say its £200k, instead of spending the whole amount on a house, if she spends £160k and then put the £40k into an account joint with you and her. Then you will have money set aside for maintenance and really this would cover a lot of maintenance on a house, especially if you got one that didn't need much doing to it and decoration was to your taste. AND your OH would not be able to touch it.
Also, Why don't you sit down with her and explain your concerns to her.
I really hope it all works out for you

BitterAndTwisted

Why don't you consider asking your wonderful, kind-hearted and clever mother to buy the house in her own name? You and OH pay rent on it and then she can bequeath the house to you on her death if she wants to. As long as you don't marry this berk of a partner he shouldn't be able to get his grubby mitts on your assets.

In your position I'd get shot of him and move into your new house on your own with your children: he's an albatross around your neck and he's not doing anything that I can see to be a proper supporting partner in life and will most probably drag you down or keep you in exactly the same situation you are in now when it could be a much, much better one.