What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

Oldernotwiser

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think the mother is "evil" but she is trying to be very controlling. If she wants to give her daughter some money, why doesn't she just give it to her?
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That might be true if you were talking about a few hundred pounds but I think that most people giving someone £50,000-£100/000 (or more) would want it to be used responsibly and for the long term good of their children and grandchildren.

aliasojo

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

That might be true if you were talking about a few hundred pounds but I think that most people giving someone £50,000-£100/000 (or more) would want it to be used responsibly and for the long term good of their children and grandchildren.

I agree.

If I was ever in the fortunate position of being able to help my children in this way (excuse me whilst I roll on the floor laughing at such an unlikely event :rolleyes:), then I would want to make sure it did them some long term good, and not to be used for some short term fun. They would have their own income to use or to fritter away as they choose, so I would hope they would understand the sentiments behind my thoughts.

Mojisola

smartpicture wrote: »

I do feel a lot of sympathy for the OP. Whilst her mum has the best of intentions, she is trying to foist her own ambitions on her daughter. Surely the one thing we should want for our children is for them to be happy, not to live the life that we think they should be living. Of course, offer the money and opportunities for them to change (not necessarily improve) their life if you can afford it, but these are not things the OP herself feels will improve her life, so it's not the mum's decision to make.

Buying the house will succeed if it goes hand in hand with something to address where the previous rent money goes, so that the extra money is seen as 'family' money rather than just a bonus for the partner. Until that is addressed, there really is no point in proceeding.

The best thing the mum could pay for, in my opinion, is for counselling for the OP. She is clearly a articulate, educated, intelligent woman just by reading through her post, but has no confidence and no feeling of control in her life (which the mum's ultimatum will do nothing to improve). This in turn is making her scared of any changes to the status quo and resulting in a lack of ambition for her own life. You can't 'fix' that by forcing a house on her she doesn't want.

Thanks. It's what I feel but said so well!

Pee

My parents would look after me and pay for everything, if I did what they wanted me to do. They would expect to buy me a house, a car, fuel... they do for my sister, but in exchange for this, they would require me to live according to their rules. So instead I buy my own house, I choose who I fall in love with and I work hard in my chosen career. I make my friends laugh by saying I am the black sheep of the family, because really to everyone else I am such a good white sheep... maybe too good! I value what I have because I got it for myself and my parents are a bit lost and don't know what to say - It hasn't helped our relationship.

You can only take the house if it is no strings. Any peculiar trust arrangement and you are better off staying in a council house with the low rent and secure tenancy that that offers.

Your OH doesn't sound great from the post above, doesn't sound like he has the same ambitions as you... is that right? You say it's been a bit rocky. I'd be reluctant to tell your Mum about the problems in the relationship... mainly because mine would say ha! I told you so and make mountaisn out of molehills. How would yours react?

You say your mum has never had much time for you but that you are getting to see her more now, which you seem pleased about. Maybe if you spent some more time with her, there might be other optons?

LilacPixie

Your mum could buy me a house!!

Inall seriousness tho the offer of a home is fantastic. Make sure it it yours and yours alone so if anything happenswith you and your partner you still have a home and makesure he still pays rent. You could be economical with the truth and say rent is due to your mother anyway then fling the cash in savings for thos big jobs like new kitchens etc.

pukkamum

Personally i get the sense that the OP is acting like a petulant child.
Turning down the house to 'prove' to her mum and sister that there is nothing wrong with living in a council house and whilst i agree (i too live in one) i would cut off my right arm to own my own house outright!!!
She comes across as being resentful of her mum and sisters professional sucesses (something i can relate to living under the shadow of a very successful sister) and she feels as though she has 'failed' by 'just being a mum' (something very very important in my eyes) and is being stubborn as a result.
She would have to be crazy to turn down the offer of being rent/mortgage free for the rest of her life, if she won the lottery would she continue to live in her council house.
Come on OP silence your inner brat and think about the choices a mortgage/rent free life will give you in years to come!!!!!!
P.s if you don't want it i'll have it!!!!!!

Oldernotwiser

I think that the mother would be better to leave the whole lot to a respectable charity. At least the money would be put to good use rather than wasted on an ungrateful daughter, her !!!!less partner and the two quarrelling teenagers who are resented by their mother.

It's the 4 year old I feel sorry for, denied an excellent education and a secure home by her mother's inverse snobbery and envy of her mother and sister.

NAR

Talking of a lottery win, when I get the £85m tonite I will make my nearest and dearest be forever grateful to me for solving all their financial problems and setting them all up for life!

aliasojo

pukkamum wrote: »

..... silence your inner brat .......

Excellent phrase. One which I will use on my own family I think.

poet123

I hope I am not going to offend here, but I apologise in advance if that is the outcome!:D

If I had a daughter who by choice, and from lack of ambition,blinkered vision, and a strong measure of bloody mindedness, lived on a council estate with a partner who was a spendthrift, I too, would be imposing stringent condtions on how my hard earned money was spent after I was gone.

The OP says her mother was a single parent who worked damned hard to be in this postion. She should respect that, and realise that this is such an opportunity to better her life and that of her children. To blithely state that she doesnt want, or need the money because the benefits system is there, is little short of disgusting. What an attitude to impart to your kids.

I would ask my mother to put a figure on the money, and would apportion it as follows.

1. Buy a house in my own name only, with partner enjoying the right to live there for the duration of the relationship only, and citing the kids as beneficiaries. Buy a house which amounted to 75% of the value of the bequest.

2. Bank the the majority of remaining monies in high interest accounts for the kids university funds, in accounts requiring several signatories.

3. Leave monies aside to fund private education, just in caseif after thinking carefully about your motives for not wanting private education, you reach the conclusion that sadly in many cases money does fund a better education, and that it certainly does so in many areas of the country.

OR

1. Buy a house in my own name, and rent it out, using monies from the rent to fund options 2 and 3, and drip feed into own home as needed.

Tell partner nothing and carry on as before, but with a safety net paid for by your family and not the state.

Whichever path you choose, you should also reflect on how fortunate you are. At 58, your mother hopefully has a long life in front of her, she could be thinking as you appear to do, that having done her best for her kids it is now her time and she will in the immortal words of Viv Nicholson....spend spend, spend. Another scenario could arise too, imagine a new man enters your mothers life, they marry.....bye bye inheritance, and tbh if I were your mother i would be thinking of myself at this juncture and leaving you to lie in the bed you made.

Well, actually as a mother I can't truthfully say that, but I wouldnt blame her if she did.

Also, if the OP considers her kids ungrateful and selfish, she really doesnt have to look too far for the reason. What goes around, comes around.

Re reading this I expect I have offended, so apologies again:o