What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

poet123

NAR wrote: »

Talking of a lottery win, when I get the £85m tonite I will make my nearest and dearest be forever grateful to me for solving all their financial problems and setting them all up for life!

Or alternatively, resent you forever for trying to make their lives better;)

Oldernotwiser

poet123 wrote: »

I hope I am not going to offend here, but I apologise in advance if that is the outcome!:D

If I had a daughter who by choice, and from lack of ambition,blinkered vision, and a strong measure of bloody mindedness, lived on a council estate with a partner who was a spendthrift, I too, would be imposing stringent condtions on how my hard earned money was spent after I was gone.

The OP says her mother was a single parent who worked damned hard to be in this postion. She should respect that, and realise that this is such an opportunity to better her life and that of her children. To blithely state that she doesnt want, or need the money because the benefits system is there, is little short of disgusting. What an attitude to impart to your kids.

I would ask my mother to put a figure on the money, and would apportion it as follows.

1. Buy a house in my own name only, with partner enjoying the right to live there for the duration of the relationship only, and citing the kids as beneficiaries. Buy a house which amounted to 75% of the value of the bequest.

2. Bank the the majority of remaining monies in high interest accounts for the kids university funds, in accounts requiring several signatories.

3. Leave monies aside to fund private education, just in caseif after thinking carefully about your motives for not wanting private education, you reach the conclusion that sadly in many cases money does fund a better education, and that it certainly does so in many areas of the country.

OR

1. Buy a house in my own name, and rent it out, using monies from the rent to fund options 2 and 3, and drip feed into own home as needed.

Tell partner nothing and carry on as before, but with a safety net paid for by your family and not the state.

Whichever path you choose, you should also reflect on how fortunate you are. At 58, your mother hopefully has a long life in front of her, she could be thinking as you appear to do, that having done her best for her kids it is now her time and she will in the immortal words of Viv Nicholson....spend spend, spend. Another scenario could arise too, imagine a new man enters your mothers life, they marry.....bye bye inheritance, and tbh if I were your mother i would be thinking of myself at this juncture and leaving you to lie in the bed you made.

Well, actually as a mother I can't truthfully say that, but I wouldnt blame her if she did.

Also, if the OP considers her kids ungrateful and selfish, she really doesnt have to look too far for the reason. What goes around, comes around.

Re reading this I expect I have offended, so apologies again:o

Yeah Poet! You rock!!

carolan78

I can't believe how many people on these boards would expect the Mum to put no safty guards in place or conditions on the house if OP took that option. OP's Mum is clearly a business woman, so her business acumen and common sense should tell her it is deffinatelty needed in this case. The partner is a spendthrift and the relationship is rocky at best (although I feel we have go this info through rosetinted glasses and theres a lot more to the tale).

The OP has confessed she would rely on state benefits if he upp'd and left. She doesn't have ambition for her own life or appear to want the best for her own children (be it education or security). In short she appears to have gained a "council estate" mentality to life (no disrespect to those on council estates, I know it is the minority of ppl that have this view, born and bread on one and my parents certainly don't have that view yet many around them do). What happens in 5 years when all benefits are slashed because there just isn't the money to fund famlies as we do now? What happens if housing benefit is abolished? How will OP cope when her youngest is an adult and enefits are only give to those with children? None of us know what is going to happen in the future, therefore we can not rely on current systems to get us out of the doodoo.

Poet you have hit the nail on the head with her kids. As I said earlier children follow your lead and OP doesn't seem to be giving them a good lead. Really hope for their sake OP grows a set of **lls and sorts out her life, realising true success is realising you limitations and asking for help.

NAR

poet123 wrote: »

Or alternatively, resent you forever for trying to make their lives better;)

Exactly!

tandraig

If I was OPs mum I would be strongly inclined to leave the money to charity. but, as she seems to want to give it to OP - I really dont understand why OP is whinging. seems to me her mum is savvy enough if Op opted for house - the house would be OPs only and mum would have enough strings tied up that it stayed that way!
its fair enough not to opt for money for education for grandchildren - trust money has to be administered by someone doesnt it?
but - if OP feels that strongly that this generous offer is doing her head in - then politely decline the money! I just feel this is not an option. You may not like this OP but I get the feeling you want us to tell you to tell your mum to leave you the money without strings! and she aint gonna do that! just be grateful she is giving you this chance - my aunt left the most horrible will and there was damn all we could do about it!

ceridwen

I confess to being more than a little puzzled as to why the word "snobbery" is being used about owning one's own house and/or educating children privately.

Its just sound commonsense isnt it to take whatever chance comes along of owning one's own house - rather than renting (be it public or private sector). Its also just sound commonsense to put ones children at private school (rather than the State sector) if at all possible

If you have your own house - owned outright - then you have a much greater degree of financial security. You know that - whatever else happens - that the roof over your head is secure. That has got to be well worth having if the chance comes along hasnt it?

If you have the chance to put any children through private school - rather than State school - then, yes I understand the ideological objections to this - but I have a confession to make....if I'd ever had children I would have leapt at the chance of having them at private school (rather than State-educated) - smaller classes/more individual attention/more encouragement to fulfil their potential/etc.

Personally - my only dilemma here would be that if there werent enough money available for BOTH a house of my own AND my children going to private school - then I would struggle as to which of those two things to go for - as I would want both if I could. I would have a lot of sleepless nights as to which of those two options to choose - as I would want both.

BUT - I would be glad of the chance to ensure that I at least had one of those two options available to me. "Snobbish" - I dont think so. Your mother is trying to help out and I can perfectly understand her conditions in doing so.

....and ....yes....my parents arent anywhere remotely near the same "financial league" - but any help I have been given by them over the years has come with the proviso that the money must be spent sensibly on "long-term investment" type things and I understand their reasoning on this - and tend to agree with them actually. They want me to get "value for my money" - well....as I actually want "value for my money" as well...then I tend to agree. This doesnt mean to say that I havent just wanted to spend regardless at times...and, yes, I do think that its not unreasonable to expect a few things that might well count as luxuries "in the books of an older generation"......like holidays, for instance, sigh.......Ultimately life is for living (as well as providing for basic financial necessities one hopes for a BIT of "mad money"......sigh.......).

It is - unfortunately - the case though that necessities do have to come first....darn it....!!!!! (expletive deleted) and having a house of one's own is quite quite definitely HUGE NECESSITY in my book and many other peoples as well (just think of it as a variant of "s** off" money as regards employers - believe me, employer-pleasing is a LOT less necessary when one knows that no money is needed for rent or mortgage...and one is a LOT freer to do whatever you decide yourself - without having to "prostitute yourself" doing whatever employers want/dont want if the home is sorted out - believe me...). There are MANY MANY employers, in my experience, who expect their employees to "prostitute themselves" and go against principles and/or work in their leisuretime and/or undertake health hazardous work - I have been totally gobsmacked and horrified by just how many people feel they have to do these things to get by and it is worth a LOT to be able to have some "s** off" financial security as far as employers are concerned. It helps IMMENSELY to know that - if push comes to shove - and employers expect these things in order to get a salary from them....that you have that "s** off" financial security and dont have to make unacceptable compromises...

Re private education for your children - honestly...all the statistics do indicate very strongly that children get the best qualifications/start in life if they have that. Not to mention a level of confidence that many State-educated children can only envy (....yep...I'm State-educated myself....). Half of getting one's life the way one wants is the confidence to believe one can - with that you have a head start. Add the better qualifications......errrr.....<cough> and the friends they will make automatically.....and its just down to a battle between oneself and one's conscience as to whether to take the "private education" route if its available (I have the feeling somehow that that just might be the one battle in my life that my conscience might lose - if I were in that position:o).

BitterAndTwisted

I suspect there are various issues going on here and some of them I can understand:

Mum and sister are living very, very different lives and life-styles and OP feels she's looked down upon and is being patronised.

Partner is seen as selfish, a poor money-manager and not a proper, long-term fixture in OP's life, so offer of a house is an appropriate alternative to offering money as that will most probably be frittered away if partner gets his hands on it. Also half of it would be his if they're married and Mother fears he could just abscond with half of it on the day the cheque clears the bank account.

The family's current housing situation is seen as very unsatisfactory and results in conflict between the two daughters and between OP and them as well.

I'd say that accepting the offer of a proper home of her own, so the OP and her children are secure, even in the event of partner being unreliable is the best option a person could wish for.

I'd put my feelings of insecurity and resentment aside, I don't suppose the mother is making these choices available because she wants to create hurt. She wants her family to enjoy the same benefits she's worked for for herself.

And don't believe that a house can be owned and the council property can be retained as well; it can't, so it's one or the other, not both.

poet123

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

And don't believe that a house can be owned and the council property can be retained as well; it can't, so it's one or the other, not both.

If the house in in the joint names of the mother and offspring, as an inheritance, I would doubt they would be expected to forfeit their council house.

BitterAndTwisted

If by "mother" you mean the beneficiary and not the potential recipient, then you are correct.

poet123

By mother, I mean the daughter of the woman making the will, as a joint benificiary, or more probably the watertight way, as trustee for her children.