What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

Pee

I would probably go for the house - and if at any point she was making a fuss about how she had bought you a house in the future, I would think - and hopefully not say - you gave me three options and I chose the lesser of three evils. Bear in mind you are giving up a council tenancy.

It sounds like you wish you had done more with your own education. Given the age of your mother, it would not be too late for you to ask for her help towards that, something that might inspire your children to make more of an effort themselves.

It's not a great choice, she is being selfish in wanting to reward you for doing things her way. If she wanted to help you, she would give you the money, she would look at your hopes and ambitions and help you to realise those... However, it is her money and she can do what she wants with it.

Oldernotwiser

Pee wrote: »

I would probably go for the house - and if at any point she was making a fuss about how she had bought you a house in the future, I would think - and hopefully not say - you gave me three options and I chose the lesser of three evils. Bear in mind you are giving up a council tenancy.


It's not a great choice, she is being selfish in wanting to reward you for doing things her way. If she wanted to help you, she would give you the money, she would look at your hopes and ambitions and help you to realise those... However, it is her money and she can do what she wants with it.

How is someone being selfish wanting to give someone a house? "The lesser of 3 evils" - I just don't understand where you're coming from!

aliasojo

angel_delight wrote: »

Plus she makes out that if you have a house in your name at least you/your children will be stable if at anytime your partner (father of your youngest) decides to up and leave.

But you know in your heart judging by the last 7-8 years you have lived together that his biggest fault is that he is selfish and never gets finacial priorities right. ...........................he just prefers blowing it all on himself in the forms of pricey laptops,cameras, mobiles, tv's and the like, sometimes not even meeting the monthly elec/gas amounts in order to do so.

Pee wrote: »

It's not a great choice, she is being selfish in wanting to reward you for doing things her way. If she wanted to help you, she would give you the money, she would look at your hopes and ambitions and help you to realise those... However, it is her money and she can do what she wants with it.

Pee, I suspect the above might have something to do with the Mum's decision maybe?

I don't think she is being selfish at all tbh, I think she's just trying to provide security....just in case.

Zazen999

Buying someone a house
Investing in grandchildren's education
Donating to Charity

Evil? Hmm.......

NAR

Angel here's my tuppenceworth. Your mother had the good fortune to be very successful in life. She has children and grandchildren that she wishes to share her success with, rather than give it to the taxman through Inheritance Tax. So currently she has her business hat on.

She could die in 10 years say and you and sister would get share to do what you want with. But also taxman would get large whack by the sound of it, which she wants to avoid.

Do you feel she is looking down on you - "poor daughter and gchildren I better help them." If so I think you need to take a reality check - she is helping all her family from what I read. Maybe she is putting pressure on (option 3) but she is trying to do what is best for you, and maybe feels you are being stubborn or too proud to accept her offer.

Take Option 1, say thankyou mum, and you and your kids (with own bedroom ) will all be happier with less stress.

margaretclare

I am going to disagree with nearly everyone else, just because - and only because - I have an intense dislike of emotional blackmail in any shape or form whatsoever, and I'm afraid I get a strong sense of it here.

Your mum wants to give you money. Fine. It's her money, to do what she wants with while she's still alive (always remembering that she can easily live several more decades and may have need of it herself in a future which is unknown and unknowable).

If she wants to give you money I would submit that it should be without strings. Give it, don't put a proviso on 'must be for a house OR university education (which the children may not want).

There is always the worry that, in years to come, this 'offer' may backfire into more emotional blackmail i.e. 'look what I did for you, you'd still have been in that awful council house if I hadn't... so, you are for ever in my debt!'

Susan_Frost

There are many many issues in OP post, lots indicating possibly lack of confidence, low self esteem - i.e. not wanting a house because of the responsibility of the upkeep. But - that is all something too deep to be able to resolve here. Although there are difficulties (and everyone has some) it seems you are in many ways living as you would wish, and that is your choice and up to you. Yes, mum and sister should not expect you to live the way they do. Mum is just worried about you, that's all, but trying to do what she sees would help when for you it would not - different personalities.

First I suggest you do talk to mum NOW about a will. It will be much easier while she is still relatively young (i.e. not ancient) and healthy. Imagine the conversation if she got to her 80s and was ill, it really would be about when you die - and it wont be too far off. So. Do it now while it can be discussed without too much emotion. She wants it settled. It is sensible.

I would suggest that because of your relationship, general home life, and basically how you want to live, then NO, dont take money for yourself. You dont want to live what you feel would be a snobby lifestyle, so dont make yourself uncomfortable doing so.

Ask Mum to put the money into a trust for the children. Maybe to be drawn at age 25 when they really know what they want for themselves and have got their own ideas rather than being influenced by either you or your mum's lifestyle. If they decide to go to college or uni the Trustees can be given the option of allowing monies to fund that.

This way, you are not lumbered with house, money and the responsibility of it all, but your children will have their own choices later. If they dont want the money then they can give it away on their own behalf at that time.

I am sure your sister's children will be provided for by her, as she seems to have similar ideals, ideas to your mum. So they will be sorted.

Try not to stress too much about it. Dont let mum impose a lifestyle or responsibility on you that you dont want. You have managed so far - haven't you?

Hope it works out.

margaretclare

I agree with Susan Frost.

carolan78

margaretclare wrote: »

I am going to disagree with nearly everyone else, just because - and only because - I have an intense dislike of emotional blackmail in any shape or form whatsoever, and I'm afraid I get a strong sense of it here.

Your mum wants to give you money. Fine. It's her money, to do what she wants with while she's still alive (always remembering that she can easily live several more decades and may have need of it herself in a future which is unknown and unknowable).

If she wants to give you money I would submit that it should be without strings. Give it, don't put a proviso on 'must be for a house OR university education (which the children may not want).

There is always the worry that, in years to come, this 'offer' may backfire into more emotional blackmail i.e. 'look what I did for you, you'd still have been in that awful council house if I hadn't... so, you are for ever in my debt!'

If I were the Mum I would be putting previsions on it, from what the OP has said about her partner it could get blown on flashy gadgets ect ect. Would you as a want to give someone a sustancial amount of money for it to be squandered? I know I wouldn't.

If I were the OP then I would have snapped her hand off the first time she offered to buy my family security, because that is what owning your own home brings. No matter what happens in life they will always be a roof over op and her childrens head.

OP there has been some excellant advice posted re talking to your mum about you retraining, from how youe posts come across it sounds like it would do you the world of good. You appear to have very little self worth/confidance. Do you think deep down you are scared of a change in enviroment (ie if you bought a house elsewhere are you worried you won't fit in?) If you took option B and invested in your childrens education are you worried they will one day look down on you (you just don't seem to have the attitude most parents have of wanting their children to reach their full potential) and option C seems to have been thrown in to show you your Mum is desperate to help and if you shun it this time she will go elsewhere and help someone that will accept it.

I really hope you choose option A or B or even talk to her about retraining, you must have some ambition, there has to be something you have always wanted to do. I am returning to education at the grand old age of 30, mainly for me, but then I have also done it because I want my children to realise education is important. My DD (3) keeps asking why Mummy has to go back to school and I am honest I say I didn't try hard at school, she is now telling me she is going to try her best at school to learn so she doesn't have to go to school when she is a Mummy. They have just started their phonics at nursery and they have noticed her concentration improving already. I told my little story just to show even at such a young age children notice things and follow the example you set (be it you telling them you would like them to gain an education or skill, or doing it yourself).

sfry

angel_delight wrote: »

. Still all this is just the tip of the iceberg of several other problems.

I feel that we are not seeing the full picture from the OP. The very last sentence of her post seems very significant.