What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

aliasojo

sfry wrote: »

I feel that we are not seeing the full picture from the OP. The very last sentence of her post seems very significant.

I agree. I don't think for one minute the OP's Mum has just come up with these ideas on a whim. I think they were decided on for a reason.

Hectors_House

margaretclare wrote: »

There is always the worry that, in years to come, this 'offer' may backfire into more emotional blackmail i.e. 'look what I did for you, you'd still have been in that awful council house if I hadn't... so, you are for ever in my debt!'

To be fair we're making assumptions about the OPs mother when we don't know if there have been previous issues with the mother trying to control her daughter.

I think the OP needfs to look at the wider picture regardless of what self-esteem issues she may have.

She is being given the chance to better things for her children.

Mojisola

I don't think the mother is "evil" but she is trying to be very controlling. If she wants to give her daughter some money, why doesn't she just give it to her?

I would say thank you very much for the house. Once it's yours and in your name, you can do what you want with it.

Any

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think the mother is "evil" but she is trying to be very controlling. If she wants to give her daughter some money, why doesn't she just give it to her?

I would say thank you very much for the house. Once it's yours and in your name, you can do what you want with it.

Maybe because she has a partner who is JUST selfish and blows all the money on himself even if it was going to pay gas bill..... The OP doesn't seem to see this as a problem... apparently there is nothing wrong with him

Any

I also think that the OP has a huge chip on her shoulder she needs to get rid off if she is going to progress anywhere (re: retraining).

Mojisola

Any wrote: »

Maybe because she has a partner who is JUST selfish and blows all the money on himself even if it was going to pay gas bill..... The OP doesn't seem to see this as a problem... apparently there is nothing wrong with him

In that case, it's strange to offer to buy a house which will let the partner have even more money to be selfish with.

If the OP's mother was worried about her daughter's partner's spending habits, she could set up trusts to protect the money. The way she's offering three choices smacks of control and manipulation. I can hear in the future her saying "Well, you made the choice".

I would suggest that the OP accepts the house because, once it's in her name, it belongs to her and she can keep it or sell it.

I would also suggest that she spends some of the saved rent on therapy to help her decide whether she's living her life as she really wants. I don't think I'd want to be surrounded by a controlling mother, a spendthrift partner and ungrateful children and feeling a failure for the way my life has worked out.

aliasojo

Mojisola wrote: »

In that case, it's strange to offer to buy a house which will let the partner have even more money to be selfish with.

But a house is a static.....he can't fritter that away so the OP will always have a home for her and the kids no matter what the partner does with any cash they might have. I would think that was what the OP's Mum would have thought too?

Any

Mojisola wrote: »

In that case, it's strange to offer to buy a house which will let the partner have even more money to be selfish with.

If the OP's mother was worried about her daughter's partner's spending habits, she could set up trusts to protect the money. The way she's offering three choices smacks of control and manipulation. I can hear in the future her saying "Well, you made the choice".

I would suggest that the OP accepts the house because, once it's in her name, it belongs to her and she can keep it or sell it.

I would also suggest that she spends some of the saved rent on therapy to help her decide whether she's living her life as she really wants. I don't think I'd want to be surrounded by a controlling mother, a spendthrift partner and ungrateful children and feeling a failure for the way my life has worked out.

Completely agree with the above area.
But from what the OP was posting, I am not sure that her mother is just trying to be controling, more I read it the most I think that she is really trying to help OP to gain some self respect (which with some people the fact that you are no longer lumped with "scumbags" on the mentioning of "I live in a council house" helps a lot) and really be able to do the next step by herself.

smartpicture

I do feel a lot of sympathy for the OP. Whilst her mum has the best of intentions, she is trying to foist her own ambitions on her daughter. Surely the one thing we should want for our children is for them to be happy, not to live the life that we think they should be living. Of course, offer the money and opportunities for them to change (not necessarily improve) their life if you can afford it, but these are not things the OP herself feels will improve her life, so it's not the mum's decision to make.

Buying the house will succeed if it goes hand in hand with something to address where the previous rent money goes, so that the extra money is seen as 'family' money rather than just a bonus for the partner. Until that is addressed, there really is no point in proceeding.

The best thing the mum could pay for, in my opinion, is for counselling for the OP. She is clearly a articulate, educated, intelligent woman just by reading through her post, but has no confidence and no feeling of control in her life (which the mum's ultimatum will do nothing to improve). This in turn is making her scared of any changes to the status quo and resulting in a lack of ambition for her own life. You can't 'fix' that by forcing a house on her she doesn't want.

carolan78

I have to agree with Any, the more I read it the less controlling I think the Mum is. From the little info provided I feel the Mum has tried to help out over the years and for one reason or another been refused. It is now getting to a point in her life where she has to give the money soon so it can't be claimed back if she dies (I think it is any large gift within the 3 years prior to death but more knowledgable posters will put me right ).

I think her Mum is been very sensible trying to get her finances in order so her children don't have to deal with too much through their grief. Trustfunds/bank accounts have already been set up for the Grandchildren so all Mum wants to do now is make their current quality of life more comfortable. As I have already said she may not want to give them the cash outright in case the OP's partner squanders it away, incidently if I was Mum I would also make some clause in the gift of the house that it can not be sold for x amount of years.

I think it would be rather crass of the OP to accept the house and then either rent it out or sell it as some have suggested and could well result in a total relationship break down between OP and her Mum.