What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

angel_delight

**Before judging me too harshly from this post alone, please find the time to read my following ones in this thread first. Thank you!**

Please can anyone advise on what I should do? (Bear with me as it's long).

Scenario: Imagine your mum has retired/sold her business and has harped on about inheritance and wills for the past couple of years. However most of the time you steer the subject away through feeling uncomfortable talking about that as it just reminds you of the inenvitable. Although still in reasonable good health for her age (58) she wants to ensure that before she go's you and your sister are finacially better off / your life improved rather than leaving any lump sums of money afterwards and the inhertance tax swallowing the majority up. She has also already set up savings accounts for all of her grandchildren which has so much put in which they can't touch until a certain age.

She has on occasions mentioned buying a house for you. Although overwhelmed with her generosity and very greatful you say to her that you are perfectly happy renting with your partner in your council home without all extra added finacial burdens if major things go wrong with your own (non council) house. Although it's a nice home with big gardens, reasonable location, close to schools/amenities/shops etc you neither wish to buy the council property either for other reasons. Meantime she has payed off your sisters mortgage and improved your life by paying for driving lessons and your first car which although very greatful for you had no ambition to do so for years (again not really wanting that kind of extra yearly expense) until giving in to her.

Reasons being you felt like a faliure - dropping out of college, having kids young, being in a menial job where as she/your sister had made more of a success of their lives. She would of never said this but you felt obligated as if you had to just do something to make her proud of you. Also there was a small feeling like you almost owed her something back as she'd struggled as a single parent working really hard climbing her chosen career ladder so that you and your sis never went without including lots of holidays abroad and later on in life finacially helping a bit to furnish your last and present homes and of course things for the kids. But on the flip side because she owned her own business/liked holidays abroad a few times a year for a good rest inbetween you also felt sad and sometimes enviable of others as you and your children never got to see her that often until the last two years.

Back to present time (past 48 hrs)- again she tells you she must really sit down and talk to you about wills/inheritance and it's really important. She drops the bombshell of giving you a ultimatum of three choices.

1st choice: Buying you a house.

According to her "it's the ideal time" so there is pressure on to hurry up and accept her offer asap. There was a good dose of emotional blackmail thrown in- if you have a house at least you'll be able to pass on something to your three kids (two teens & 4 yr old) when you kick the bucket in the form of the proceeds from it. You object heavily to this reasoning because you don't see why parents should feel obligated to leave their kids anything when you already do/have done your best for them and all you get in return is treated worse than a lump of ****! (More so from the eldest two).

The other guilt trip hung on you is your mum feels sorry for your eldest dd having to share a room with the youngest dd and this gives the eldest good ammunition during her verbal hate sla**ing off matches towards you. As it is both your teens are always typically going on about how deprived they are and how they can't wait to move out.asap and you've always said you'd gladly struggle to pay their first months deposit on a bedsit once they reach a certain age and you've done your bit. But this falls on deaf ears to your mum.

Plus she makes out that if you have a house in your name at least you/your children will be stable if at anytime your partner (father of your youngest) decides to up and leave. You can't understand this at all as if anything were to happen like that the council house is primarily in your name anyway having owned your first one well before he came on the scene, and it's not like you couldn't get help with rent/council tax if you had to temporarily give up work/reduce hours. She like your sister doesn't understand why anyone would want to stick it out in a council house if given oppurtunity to "better yourself". This you just deem as blantant snobbery which both are in a lot of areas.

Your mum implies that with the house being bought outright there would be no mortgage or rent for your partner to pay as he normally does. (He working full time pays the biggie bills, you working part time pay the rest, shopping, things for kids/home). This would mean that he could use that money in doing up the home or putting it by for future expensive repairs if necessary. But you know in your heart judging by the last 7-8 years you have lived together that his biggest fault is that he is selfish and never gets finacial priorities right. You could probably count on one hand the number of things he's bought/contributed to for the home and you've never been away together as a family, not that he hasn't had plenty of oppurtunity to save as he can do that alright- he just prefers blowing it all on himself in the forms of pricey laptops,cameras, mobiles, tv's and the like, sometimes not even meeting the monthly elec/gas amounts in order to do so.

You ask him the question hyperthetically of what he would do with this "spare" money if his dad was the one offering this house to him and his eyes light up mentioning numerous things for himself (including driving lessons) which oddly he's always stated he'll never bother with and he's rarely musters up an interest in how your doing/what your up to either in yours. Anyway nothing is mentioned regarding home items/family hols/emergency repairs until something clicks in his memory about your mum bringing it up in the past. Then he comes out with "oh but of course i'd still put money by for the things you said obviously". This only go's to confirm your original thoughts.

The annoying thing is you could probably think of umpteen things to spruce up your home desperately replacing old appliances/furnishings/furniture that have seen better days which you'd be over the moon about- things you've never managed to save enough for because your ex left you in eight grand of debt (in your name & which youv'e not long finished paying off ) or the kids have needed endless stuff. .You were lucky enough this year your mum replaced your old fridge freezer out of the blue upon realising it wasn't very energy efficient to todays standards/consuming heaps of elec and making too much noise. Thankfully that was one thing ticked off the list but still you'd ten times more appreciate cash (even vouchers) for the rest, never mind the oppurtunity to all finally go on holiday together rather than a new four walls and roof. Yet this option isn't on the menu as your mum wants her inheritance to be in the form of an investment not blown on crap as she puts it.
　
2nd choice: Money put towards your childrens future education.

To pay for university fee's for your eldest two (bearing in mind eldest two are in last couple years of school) or private school education for the youngest. Although both teens want to attend college that is it as far as education go's for your ds and your eldest dd currently states how on earth will she know whether she wants to go univesity or not when she's still undecided on her chosen career path?, never mind the fact she might not do good enough to get in or even know herself whether she's had enough of education by the end of college and prefer a pay packet instead? In regards to using it to send your youngest to private school- well the nearest is an over an hours drive away in peak traffic times- something you don't relish and you've always argued if a childs bright enough and got the motivation whats to stop them from gaining top GSCE marks in umpteen subjects from a state school anyway? Again in your eyes it's just misjudged snobbery and literally money wasted in most cases.
　
3rd choice: To leave it all to charity.

Yes thats right if you refuse the first two choices any inheritance is to be left to charity as this would be fairer than giving your share to your sister/her child. Your mums already stated she will leave numerous amounts to certain charities anyway but this would be extra. Where as you probably come across as an ungreatful so and so you don't mean to be but there is no reasoning with your mum or inbetweens- what she says go's.

There's a part of you that feels- well it's her money to leave (that's she's worked so hard for all her life) she can do with it as she pleases. Another part of you feels a bit upset/hard done by at being left a inheritance with limited conditions attached to it when if there wasn't you could do so much more. You know the inheritance tax could be avoided in your mum helping you to obtain all on your wish/much needed list before she passe's (hopefully not anytime soon) but it all boils down to the fact that in her eyes none of it is an investment.

She has said in the past that you never have a chance to save hardly because you have a soft spot for always giving in to those kids wants and demands first for a quiet life which has unfortunately backfired on you ten fold as now they expect more than you can afford/never satisfied- so whether she's worried this would happen if it was just a lump sum your not sure?, But then you think if this is the case then surely it could be got round by her putting half of your inheritance's worth into their accounts (with higher age restriction still applied) that she has set up already so they will have a substantial amount for their future? That way there would be no bickering over when to sell a house to gain the most profit or squabbles over dividing the contents equally once your gone yourself. She is adamant that because of yours and your o.h's rocky relationship and his selfish ways that there will be no way (will clauses you presume) he will profit from her will in regards to this "house" but she doesn't realise in you agreeing/giving in to her yet again in your life that by accepting the first choice you'll be doing him a huge finacial favour which he will only turn to his own advantage 99% of the time, so how does that figure?

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If you've got to the end of this and take the time to reply- many thanks. All advice is welcome. I'm interested in knowing what others would do if faced with the same choices? I know for most of you there would probably be no hesitation and some of my reasoning may sound petty/ungreatful, not to mention this post seems really trivial compared to others on here but this is really doing my head in pressure wise. It's getting to the stage where because of all the grief from the eldest two I momentarily wish I wasn't even here to make it all easier for the rest of them (which would please eldest dd no end no doubt- God aren't teenage girls grotty?!,lol). Still all this is just the tip of the iceberg of several other problems.

elaine373

I think your mum is very business minded and wants to see something solid for her money/your inheritance.If she paid for a house (lucky you) couldnt you use what she saved you in rent, to buy things that you have always wanted? As long as its in your name then i dont see a problem with regard to selfish partner/greedy teenagers.Also, this is something that would benefit your children in the future.I know thats what i would choose, if i were in your position.Only thing i would check, as i dont knwo for sure, would be what legal entitlement would your partner have on the house should the relationship go pear shaped. All the best.:)

cheepskate_2

quote something you don't relish and you've always argued if a childs bright enough and got the motivation whats to stop them from gaining top GSCE marks in umpteen subjects from a state school anyway

i did a huge reply but then lost it so just a short bit.

This is not always true. Yes some children do but the majority dont acheive anything like what they can.

I dont want to leave to chance my childrens education, but want to get the most from them, after all these grades and at times the school you went to are in general the main factors in carreer choice.

Have you looked at the exam results from your school and a private one, sometimes you will be gobsmacked at the difference(assuming the english schools are same as Scottish)

Private schooling doesnt just build good education but strives to give the kids confidence, added to the fact that they are in peer groups where the parents of these children are in general career focused and this in general seems to rub off in that enviroment.

ailuro2

Take the house, but both of you should still pay the equivalent of rent into an education or first home fund for your kids - this way your partner won't become demotivated and fritter his hard earned cash away.

Or, you give up work and spend time with your youngest while DP pays for the bills.

Ask your mother how she'd feel if you ended up splitting up with DP and he got half the house - will she pay to have it legally tied to you only? Would that work?

Katgrit

You actually seem irritated and very ungrateful that your wonderful Mum is so desperately trying to help you out. Do you really think that she slaved away all those years FOR YOU, to give you a better life so you could reject it due to that big chip on your shoulder? This "snobbery" you keep on about is due to you (wrongly) feeling inferior. If you feel you let yourself down thats YOUR problem not your Mum's or your childrens. Your Mum has the potential to help you solve a lot of financial problems, without a mortgage you will have a greater monthly "left over" amount after bills etc and this will come in so helpful for those unexpected bills, Christmas, holidays. I'm stunned that you actually seem irked by this!! She LOVES you, she is obviously concerned that your relationship with your OH doesn't seem concrete and wants to protect the interests of her grandchildren. Some parents dont know, dont care and dont bother about their childrens relationships. If he did up and leave, as it sounds like its been rocky in the past, does she really want you working 2 extra jobs til the wee small hours, never seeing your kids (who have to live off microwave meals til you get home) and selling your valuables on ebay just to keep a roof over your heads?? NO!! She is trying to make your life secure and stable.

(deep breaths Katgrit, dont get too annoyed with the ungrateful OP!)

As for the offer of paying your children through Uni, you cant blame them for not knowing what they want to do just yet!! But she is giving them the OPPORTUNITY to further themselves. They dont have to sign themselves up tomorrow do they? They dont have to go. She is giving them the CHANCE to do something more. Just say in a few years your eldest 2 decide they DO want to go and study, and all your Mum's money has gone to the cats home. Do you really want your children coming home from lectures and then working behind a bar til midnight as well as studying and sitting exams just so they can afford to pay themselves through Uni? Kids change their minds a lot, dont take the word of a 14year old that they might not want to further their education years down the line.

Children, people, young adults, everyone needs their privacy at times. As someone who had to share a room with her brother up to the age of 14 i'd beg you to accept the offer of the house. If they are constantly squabbling, argueing and being typical teenagers surely their own space would help??

Your poor OH, you asked him what HE would do with the extra money and he told you what HE would do with the money, not what he thought YOU WOULD LIKE HIM TO DO WITH MONEY. He didn't say he'd blow it down the casino, spend it on dancing girls and a lamburghini did he? He only wanted to do normal stuff, driving lessons etc. You cant be mad because he's never been that up for it before can you? Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe he's not been eager to have lessons because he knew you couldn't really afford them?? Surely the extra money each month from no mortgage or rent could fund the car costs? He actually was good enough to mention that he'd also spend it on practical stuff you need aswell. I dont know what you wanted as a better answer.

I really hope you are just coming across as ungrateful when in reality its just stress of what to do with this generous, caring, thoughtful gift. Please, for the sake of your childrens future, knock that big chip off your shoulder and see the bigger picture here.

If i was your mother i would cut you out and leave it in a trust fund for each of your children when they turn 18 or 25 or whatever age. They could then go to Uni and hopefully get a good stable career or they can put it down on a house so they wont have to struggle quite as hard to provide for THEIR families as their grandmother did.

LeeSouthEast

Option 1 it is then. It'll still be a salable asset to you if you really wish to continue renting.

Whether it's the "ideal time" or not is quite a loaded point and ideally suited to another thread altogether.

Zazen999

I'm sure she is using the charity threat as a stick to try and get you to decide on the first or second options. She may well have chosen option 2 knowing you won't choose it to get you to go for option 1.

By the sounds of it, you could take the house and take the kids and leave the hubby in the council house. Or take him with you on an agreement that the money you earn goes into savings for stuff you need/holidays/pension fund.

I'm a little concerned as to why you don't want to take option 1; most people would take someone's arm off to have a free house.

bright_side

If your mum buys you a house, you will no longer have to pay rent, therefore that money can be saved for when and if anything major goes wrong with the house can it not? What's that expression my mum always uses....something about not looking a gifted horse in the mouth?? If your mum wants to do this for you then let her.

Hectors_House

I've got to say I agree with Katgrit.

OP, your lack of ambition for you and your children astounds me.

But that's OK. You've got it sorted. If your partner leaves there are loads of benefits you'll put your hand out for.

Your attitude is so typical of the tenants I've known: only snobs own their own house/why should I pay for the maintenance of my house when I can stay in council housing and get the taxpayer to do all my repairs etc. And your kids are heading into the same 'someone else will look after me' life.

Give me strength!

At least give your mother the option of putting funds aside for your children's education if you don't think that moving out your council house to free it up for someone who really needs it whilst you have the chance is a good idea.

Zazen999

Sorry, in amongst all that text, I thought I read non-council....but yes - I agree.

Staying in a council house when you don't need one is ludicrous.

mintymoneysaver

I would love my mum to be in the enviable position of buying me a house! I really feel you are putting your own stubborn pride before the chance for your family to have a better life for themselves. Bedrooms for each of them, no rent so more money to spend on new items, cooker, holidays, driving lessons for partner, so he can drive you around. She's not telling you WHICH house to buy, she's already paid off your sister's mortgage and she wants something solid for you, and that can then be left to her grandchildren.
I understand that you have worked hard to provide all the things your family need or want, and that it's frustrating that there was no way you could have done this for them yourself but I think you're mad if you don't take this opportunity!