What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

Spendless

Do you think you are over-estimating what you'd need to put away to pay for repairs/maintainance on an owned house? I realise that it will depend on where you live and the amount your mum is going to pay but is that going to buy an 'older needs plenty of work doing on it' house (re-wiring, plastering, new bathroom/kitchen etc) or a recently modernised or newer build where there's likely to be less expenditure on maintaining?

Did you mention putting £100 away a week? Yes a house will always need re-decorating every so often, but don't you have to pay for this yourself where you currently live? It's certainly sensible to have rainy day money put away in case something goes wrong like the boiler packing in, but would a house really cost £5K a year to maintain? Mine doesn't.

angel_delight

Just a quick reply to say thank you once more for the continuing posts of advice/encouragement (Have read them all). Sorry but will have to reply back properly later on after work tonight hopefully as the little one is poorly and has not slept much. Am quite shattered myself aswell.

missysx

i agree with those who suggest taking the house and then paying the money you would have paid on rent/mortgage into a fund for the children's education/future.

would she let you accept the house, maybe in trust to the children so that they inherit it once the youngest turns 18. or would she let you accept the house and let it out, so the income gets divided between yourself giving you a bit of extra income each month and a fund for the children's future.
the reason i suggest the property being in trust for the children is so that you don't have to give up your council property.

margaretclare

Just to say again, 35, you're nobbut a bairn yet, as my grandad might have said! My younger daughter did a complete career-change when she was in her mid-30s. She was a qualified engineer but got tired of the industrial atmosphere, the shifts and the sexist attitudes around her. She wanted to work 'for the countryside' as she put it, and after a few false starts she did a course in Countryside Management. That academic year, 2001-2, she was happier than she'd ever been. She died at the end of 2002 very suddenly, 6 weeks into her 'dream job'. Was it worth it? Of course it was. I give a prize each year to that college in her memory, for someone who was like her. She was so happy. And fortunately, she was married to a good man, who was devastated of course, but at least, they had that time together.

Good luck with the driving. One of the few disagreements that DH and I still have about money is that he doesn't think I should be helping eldest GD pay for hers - I've just sent her another £100. But, as he says, it's your money and your business what you do with it. GD has had 8 lessons so far and needs a few more. Even if you can't afford a car of your own, being able to drive gives you more possibilities work-wise. I've had jobs that I'd never have had if I couldn't drive.

I agree with the saying 'teenagers were invented by someone who hated parents'! Although it doesn't apply to all, but yours seem to be totally confused. They soon learn which buttons to press - I think children learn that before the age of nursery school! - and teenagers are worse.

JoJoB

Can I just sound a word or caution re leaving the house in trust to your children - you don't know what yuour relationship with them will be like some years down the line (hopefully better than now though!). This house should be yours IMO, to do what YOU like with. You don't want to end up with a disgruntled 20 year old selling it out from under you. This house is the key to your independence and your kids can make their own way in the world. Though I do understand you wanting to help where you can, don't do it at the expense of your own security and freedom.

angel_delight

Hi all again

Am really overwhelmed by all the support/advice. Sometimes I don't know where to start so hopefully won't miss out anything asked/mentioned. My brain feels a bit mashed too- went out for a few celebratory drinks with a colleague after work to toast our birthdays. Don't normally go out or drink but it felt so good to blot everything out for a couple of hours. Thankfully the little one is much better aswell and is sleeping sound tonight (touch wood).

ailuro2- I know what you mean he doesn't sound like much of a partner with all i've wrote so far and you've made fair points as to why not whih I totally agree with. Often I really think it would suit him down to the ground not to have a partner/girlfriend but a part time sex buddy- someone he can call on a few times a week to satisfy urges without having to bother with conversation and everything else that entails with living with someone. Same as I think he'd be better off being a part time dad considering his ways and the way he makes out him looking after his child after a long hard day at work (while I go to my job for a few hours) is something..oh I don't know like he's doing me a massive favour and blokes like this/him are few and far inbetween. He so needs a reality check. Everynow and then he cheekily reminds me "i'm lucky" as most blokes are down the pub (he hates them/tee-total) drinking away their wages and chatting up anything in a skirt and other endless classics. Still he has his good attributes as a partner and father too and could be far worse- not that i'm defending him.

Yes bit by bit, I feel little surges of feeling stronger, trying to keep in control and not backing down to his way of thinking- helped massively by everyones encouragement on here i'm sure. What hurts though is after the chats, well after anytime really where I show signs of independence/disagreeing with him is the way he ignores me give or take a couple of small chat words about say our daughter. He knows after a few days it gets to me and I end up sucking up to him to make the atmosphere more harmonious even with him being in the wrong. Not that i'm backing down this time or anything but can't continue like that. He'll be all sweetness and light to me the moment he has sex, helping out more around the house etc until..well the next time.

Occasionly matters work in my favour and he backs down or maybe he see's sense/feels guilt- I don't know?, but each time that happens it's almost as if it's another nail in the coffin of our relationship. I certainly don't feel strong enough just yet to be splitting up aswell as having lone finacial responsibilty of new home aswell as the car and looking for a new job/better wages asap in current climate and single parenthood. I get stressed easily, everyone who knows me personally nick names me it,lol. I know mum would help out initially but don't want to have to ask for that on top of her buying a home for me. Even still after all that if I didn't attempt to give it a shot/see how it pans with the o.h in this new place then I would feel bad. Sounds like i'm a glutton for punishment doesn't it? If it then fails through whatever reason and him not improving I can at least tell myself then I tried my best.


JoJoB I can appreciate your words but still the kids don't see it like that- well not all the time. They are fully aware that I give as good as I get and yes I fully admit I can be a right cow to live with sometimes and they feel sorry for him then. My teenage son has anger issues which has stemmed from the time from when I broke up with the eldest two's dad. Eldest daughter was fine up until 13 so with her it's more age related. I'm careful not to retaliate too much in regards with my son. Sure if he go's too far he will get told off but more often that not it makes matters even worse. It doesn't sound too good explaining it but usually as soon as he's had his "vent out" he's back to normal and you wouldn't think it was the same child. Believe me i'm not smiling the whole time and not in enjoyment at what's being said but it's more of a kind of look to say "you can wind me up all you like, i'm not giving you the satisfaction of reacting". Yes it does concern me my youngest growning up in this atmosphere. Fortnately she's asleep most times during their vent off's and her dad and I are careful not to do the same around her. More often then not she's more likely to see her dad being affectionate towards me or just hardly talking, depending on his/my mood or what's gone on.

Zazzen it's not that I don't enjoy the sex, believe me I do, but since having the little one my libido's dropped and doesn't match his or what it once was. This annoyingly causes great tension in itself as he uses it to make out I don't want/love him anymore. I've explained until i'm blue in the face on this matter to him that it's really common. I'm sure I can't be the only woman out there "giving in" just for a quiet life half the time. What am I getting from this relationship? uuurrmmmmmm-lie in's at the weekend,lol. Seriously it's difficult to answer. In all i've said, continue to it doesn't sound a great deal but we still have lovey dovey days too where everything is fine. The kids picking up on his traits?- i'm not so sure about that- being teens there selfish in different ways for starters and they would be insulted to think they were anything like him or even vice versa. There have been times where o.h has been a rock of support when i'm upset by them but at other times prefers not to get involved. Sorry about the household pot question. I'm still not entirely sure if you mean how much does he pay in regards to the bills or just other things or both?
Breif outlay- earns approx £222 weekly take home and pays the following:

£85 rent weekly
£100 council tax per month
£40-£50 towards gas per month
£40-£50 towards electric per month

(The latter two are supposed to be £113 elec and £95 for gas though as he's got behind on quarterly bills in past (not helped by of course him being out of work each late Nov to early Jan). He won't pay that though- various reasons as says he can't afford it (yet he could if budgeted weekly, as I recently worked out with the nearly £60 left over still) to won't pay it as it's a rip off. That were being conned, there must be something wrong with our metres as were being as economical as we can be and yep actual metre readings were given. Total mare he is- refuses to believe there's heaps of others that have for example had just as astronomically high bills (especially winter months) just cos he's got the validation from his dad, a work mate and the local postal office lady that there a bit steep. Lord help me if the weathers been atroicious for days and I have to use the tumble drier.
The rest of the money go's on himself- whether it be work lunch or numerous things off the internet.

Rarely does chip in with something for the home/kids. I used to be able to keep track but during the past year he's changed passwords trying to hide things as he got fed of me saying he had an addiction, he even at one point started having things delivered to his work place after a few cross words. Tries the excuse of he sells stuff on Ebay to pay for all these things but i'm not stupid- sometimes it's no-where near enough to cover it. Didn't like the fact I said any normal sensible person regardless of whether they made profit from Ebay or not would surely pay off bills (if in debt) than stuff for themself first. Nearly ended it a few weeks back over this until he promised me that there would be no more parcels through the door for ages. Granted yes there hasn't been and yet he still moans he's poor. Sigh.
Margaretclare- again I wholly agree with all you say. I think i'd be waiting a long time for him to retrain his brain to think like that. Irronically he was never like that at the start of our relationship. I don't think it's helped that his best mate until lately was single and he missed all those perks/tried to keep up and one of his colleagues at work is a MCP which has rubbed off on him in drips and drabs over the years. I'm glad you went on to find someone much better and sorry for the loss of your daughter at such a young age.

In regards to the council tax- this would be payed montlly out of this account set up if we had a new home, no question there. Stuff for the home/repair money would be going into same account but saved up. This would all come out of that £85 rent equivalent that he would pay or rather i've asked him to. With him just paying £50 as he's suggested a few times would just about cover the months council tax if we were in band D or E for example with very little left over for other things. Personally I thought the £85 was still fair considering unlike now he wouldn't have to put by the c.tax seperately and still have this remaining £60 spare from wages (of wehich he claims he doesn't have. No way he'd want joint accounts for the same reason why he's blocked me from seeing his emails/ebay/amazon accounts. Personally having read horror stories before of spouses running off and clearing joint accounts i'm not sure i'd want one anyway, would just prefer him putting it aside in an account for me/my mum to handle. There alright I think as long as the trust is there 100%.

bestpud I know I know- believe me I keep telling myself that surely the lonliness won't be that bad and yes probably not all that different to how I feel sometimes as it is. But in a weird sense it's still relief knowing you have someone around and of course like I mentioned before I cling onto the good times, stick out the sh*t time after time until the good happens again. It was briefly just me and the kids between splitting up with my ex and getting together with my o.h for a few months and it felt like torture. Having been in long term relationships since the age of 18 (and yes played the field before that) has probably made me the way I am- clinging on because i'm needy. Yes the kids helped last time in the fact they pre-occupied me but it didn't stop the emotional pain- especially in the nights going to bed alone. There I go again sounding soooo pathetic. I know some women there fine with just having their kids and their love but it's not the same.

Carolan- Yes I know.. I have told him before now all it feels like is he is a lodger pleasing himself, but that's when it's at it's worse, other times are so different. That's what makes this so very hard. He's in a good loving dad mostly albeit needs a lot of guidance in the right directions. The eldest two- well it's a strange relationship. Eldest dd he gets on no problem with but my son so so. Lots of clashes over the years- but bearing in mind he was older at the time of mine and his dads split and more affected it doesn't surprise me. Wouldn't say he's stepfather of the year put it that way- but they've never seen him in that light anyway through loyalty to their dad and the fact were not married etc but more so just mums partner.

It's a good suggestion putting so much by for the house, so much for maintenance/bills so I could go alone and retrain. If only I knew what the budget was? My mum was kind of evasive on that score last sunday only saying when I said I had seen no suitable 4 bedrm properties in good areas (not too far away) for under £200,000 that don't worry we'll find you somewhere decent. But I continue to look every few days or so. Not that I want to end up costing my mum a fortune nor am I that fussy (honest) but would so hate to move to a less desirable place just to have this spare money. Afterall i'll have to live there for ..well..God knows how long? Really not sure he'd want to stay in this home let alone be entitled to it if I moved on without him.

He hasn't missed her first day at school yet ( that's this forth coming January ), sorry my fault before I was meaning how it would of been nice to have him come along and show some interest in getting all her bits/trying on uniforms for then. As it happens when she starts will be the time he'll be out of work (or just before he go's back) so he will have no excuse for not coming along then and waving her off. I'm sure he'll not mind that so much and will proudly take pics of her (which he does non stop as it is). Half the time you know I just think some things just don't occur to him as a father sometimes. Sure it's his first/only child and he may have been brought up differently. His dad when he was little was always working long hours until becoming disabled by having a "bad back". These days he spends hours fishing or glued to sky shopping channels getting endless gadgets or playing pc games (notice a pattern?) yet insists he can't make the 3.5 hr trip sitting down in a car to see his only granddaughter (he's never met in 4 yrs) with the o.h's brother- a couple times a year as it would be too much for his back.

Oh and his mum (bless her heart is lovely but not the sharpest tool in the box) and it seems had taught him nothing. He came straight to me (age 23) from living with his dad. I had to teach him all the basics and more about what bills there were, sex, what to expect in relationships/how to deal with probs, to how to cook simple meals, use appliances, coping with kids and then babies/toddlers from when we had our own dd. It's been exhausting and I sure would be mortified if my kids (son in paticular left home without most of that knowledge/guidance).
Yes a part of me dreads the time when the kids have gone. Were total oppisites though and into way diffrent things, that's part of the problem besides the fact he's not one of the greatest conversationlists- even he'll admit that. I could get more conversation from a one year old. Part of the reason why I had the little one (he didn't want his own kids originally but eventually came round) as I started to feel so lonely. (Especially with the eldest two by then preferring tp play with mates or say at times when on hols with their dad). Then ironically once she came along it was him that got supposedly lonely and jealous of my time consumed- which basicly boiled down to the low sex drive I had. I refused to believe it was to do with the lack of time spent/little conversation when it hadn't bothered him before. If I get him to spend time with me on a sat night (say after nookie so in good mood) the best excitement he can come up with is watching a dvd or a game of scrabble!

Lynzpower I agree his contributions to non bills -e.g family/home stuff has been a p*ss take over the years and have blimin well told him so many times. I eventually turn off at all the excuses that come out of his mouth or I go mad.He's good with the little one yep, loves her to bits, likes playing with her and so on. But deep down at times there's always this sense of like i'm supposed to feel gratitude for him sticking around when I got pregnant with her. I'm sure one of the reasons being was he felt eventual guilt after having forced me into a abortion the year previous which I never got over. That was contraception failure, the little one wasn't unknown to him but I was so majorly depressed I wasn't thinking straight and just wanted the loss replaced, didn't even care by that point if he had gone. Will expect backlash now for admitting that and rightly so. Never been proud of doing that but I was so in a bad way after the abortion. To him it was done and dusted, didn't want to talk about it- me plagued with nightmares, endless tears and several suicide attempts which took it's toll on all of us I think. That's why I wont tolerate any negative remarks about the little one or why I had her/how she's delayed doing this/that. As much as I love my other two I know I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for her.

BitterAndTwisted- Yes I have felt for a long long time now that he's biding his time until he meets someone else. His level of commitment in other ways that haven't even been mentioned have told me this. Of course he always denys it. Your right in regards to him not wanting to move incase we split and he ends up in a bedsit. He knows full well he couldn't remain living here- it's in my name afterall.

Am beginning to feel more positive now about me hitting 35..so I thank you all for that. Sometimes feel I can't take much more and feel so old/done in but got to retrain my way of thinking that i'm still young and still so much more to fit in my life- hopefully good things. The comments about the teenagers made me laugh. I tell my two that I was no angel with my mum and got it back twice as bad as punishment so they better be careful how they treat me because of karma. Not sure if they believe me, ha ha. Thanks also for encouragement with driving- been a long slow slog but getting there. Just got to get over freaking out on busy roundabouts and mastering parellell parks and reverse round corners.

Yes hopefully i'll meet someone else one day- these days i'm not sure if i'm okay- the way the teens are embarrased of me sometimes you'd think I had two heads and the o.h has called me a nut job in the past. Met him on the internet so that's put me off looking there besides the fact of all the desperado's/pervs encountered inbetween and I wasn't even looking then and on normal chat sites in them days. Clubbin days are behind me. Last time I went in one (my 30th ) I felt like a granny amongst all the skinny young girls. The night was topped off by being chatted up by a 17 year old spotty lad followed by some bloke old enough to be my dad.lol.

Spendless I don't think I am over estimating the budget expected of the o.h (£85). ..not for the first few months anyway when we will be decorating and later o hopefully getting more furniture for fourth room, replacing mine in my bedroom (really old/on last legs), same with some kitchen appliances. That's without remaining for biggie jobs if major repair needs doing in future. £85 times four weeks= £340. Most of the houses I've seen that are decent have a council tax amount per month averaging £185 upwards as it is which would come out of that fund/account too? Does anyone else think that's too much to expect of o.h considering the above and he'll be paying less anyway than what he does now?

Right i'm off. Little one has woken up for breakie and before I know it everyones work/school alarms will be going off. Sorry if i've personally missed out anyone. I thank you all.

P.s the comment from the poster wanting my mum to adopt them- she'd probably say good grief i've got enough on my plate with my own two daughters and they left home years ago.ha ha.

bestpud

angel_delight wrote: »

bestpud I know I know- believe me I keep telling myself that surely the lonliness won't be that bad and yes probably not all that different to how I feel sometimes as it is. But in a weird sense it's still relief knowing you have someone around and of course like I mentioned before I cling onto the good times, stick out the sh*t time after time until the good happens again. It was briefly just me and the kids between splitting up with my ex and getting together with my o.h for a few months and it felt like torture. Having been in long term relationships since the age of 18 (and yes played the field before that) has probably made me the way I am- clinging on because i'm needy. Yes the kids helped last time in the fact they pre-occupied me but it didn't stop the emotional pain- especially in the nights going to bed alone. There I go again sounding soooo pathetic. I know some women there fine with just having their kids and their love but it's not the same.

You seem to be gaining more insight every day, and that's great imo.

I left home at 16 and moved in with my ex, so up until 7 months ago, I had never been fully responsible for running a home, or for my finances etc.

I struggle with depression and anxiety, among other things, so I know where you are coming from.

In fact, when dd2 went on a Brownie sleep over, and dd1 was at her friends, I realised late in the evening that was the first time I had ever been alone in a house all night! Freaked me out big time and I ended up texting dd1(17) to tell her I was fightened!! :rotfl:

It's also only since we separated that I realised I didn't know how to use a lawn mower! But I do now!

I didn't know how to reset the boiler when it cut out, but I do now!

I didn't know how to lay a carpet, but I do now!

And I have always been crud with money, but I manage it ok(ish) now!

So, it can be done, but I agree, it's terrifying at first.

It will probably make you laugh to know the worst problem dds and I have now is we are all afraid of spiders! Well, I have a phobia and dds have picked up on it. If you could see us when we get a big one in the house... :eek:

However, I didn't give up until I'd tried everything to save our marriage. We'd been together 21 years and married for 19 when we separated, and it was very difficult at first, but I knew it was the right thing for all of us.

In that sense, I can understand what you mean, as it is easier when you can tell yourself you did the best you could.

None of us can force another person to change, we can only change how we react to them, and maybe you need to accept that before you can decide whether you want to live with him as he is, or go it alone.

I hope it helps to know you are not alone with your fears - I think they are natural tbh.

Also, feel free to pm me if you want.

margaretclare

Angel_delight, I feel so sorry for you. Very, very complex situation.

I became incensed on reading about the termination which he thinks is 'done and dusted'. Such a thing is NEVER 'done and dusted' which is why it should never, never be undertaken except for serious reasons and after a lot of consideration. It remains with a woman for ever. Even a miscarriage remains for ever, although this was never recognised for many centuries and even up to recent years, but it's known now that it's a bereavement just like all other bereavements and it never goes away.

To be fair to my first husband, he had a lot of good points, we could always talk and be friends and companions - if that hadn't been the case the marriage certainly wouldn't have lasted 35 years! He just had little or no clue about money and he didn't think much of those who spent time thinking and talking about it. But he was a good man, a good dad and grandad, and good in so many other ways.

carolan78

A_D I understand you are all over the place emotionally right now. You say at the start your oh isn't all bad and I don't for one minute think he will be...but he is bad enough! Just because you have a few good days, it doesn't make up for the bad days and he certainly doesn't tick many of the boxes you want ticking.

You have said yourself you feel he is waiting for someone else to come along. That can not do anything for your self confidance and inner strength. Forget the options your Mum gave you for a moment, ultimately it has progressessed from the options you were given. I know you are scared of been lonely and so will your oh and he will use that to carry on living the life of riley.

Not sure how you can do it because money is too tight for him to move out for a while, but somehow you need to get the message across your not scared of been alone. You certainly need to have more nights out and gain a social life that does not revolve around your oh or children. I think this will help you grow stength in its self.

Happy Birthday (it must be soon with the drinks ) Still hoping you kick the oh to the kerb and snap your Mum's hand off. I really think you are worrying about a lot of finacial things when you don't need to. You have a finacially savvy head on your shoulders and know your limits so with or with out your oh I know you will be capable of budgeting accordingly x

Primrose

I think you should get down and your knees and thank God that you have a mother who has the best interests of you and your children at heart when you seem to have married a selfish man who doesn't seem to be able to look after you in the long term. Stop whinging about her efforts at emotional blackmail and graciously accept her offer of buying a house and putting it in trust. You have a rocky relationship with your husband and your mother is fearful for your future. She sounds as if she's got more sense than you have in wanting to take care of the longer term. But bear in mind that in depriving herself of that money, if she has a stroke and needs long term care, having deprived herself of it, she could end up in some Local Authority care home smelling of pee, rather than being in a nice place where she has every luxury. If she is wealthy enough to have sufficient money to ensure her long term care and buy you a property, I would accept. But do stop whinging about your poor start in life. Accept responsibility for your own shortcomings and ensure that by taking up your mother's offer, you do something about improving yourself. This is what she seems to want for you because she can't see you doing it for yourself.