What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

carolan78

Really hope you have had a lovely day A_D and keep posting when you feel like it you don't need a major update. One thing to think about though is your OH not talking to you for a week over this....you have took some control and he doesn't like it. How you deal with this mood is vital to how your relationship will pan out.

I get that your scared of been alone, fully understand why your fightened of future relationships too. So for arguments sake lets say you are going to stay with OH. This is your chance to change how you interact with eachother. Little by little regain control, when you feel him pushing the buttons he knows so well, alter your reaction! If you change you may see over time he changes in response without even noticing.

Really routing for you here, one way or another you do have the strength to change your life for the better and be happy xx

supermonkey

Katgrit wrote: »

You actually seem irritated and very ungrateful that your wonderful Mum is so desperately trying to help you out. Do you really think that she slaved away all those years FOR YOU, to give you a better life so you could reject it due to that big chip on your shoulder? This "snobbery" you keep on about is due to you (wrongly) feeling inferior. If you feel you let yourself down thats YOUR problem not your Mum's or your childrens. Your Mum has the potential to help you solve a lot of financial problems, without a mortgage you will have a greater monthly "left over" amount after bills etc and this will come in so helpful for those unexpected bills, Christmas, holidays. I'm stunned that you actually seem irked by this!! She LOVES you, she is obviously concerned that your relationship with your OH doesn't seem concrete and wants to protect the interests of her grandchildren. Some parents dont know, dont care and dont bother about their childrens relationships. If he did up and leave, as it sounds like its been rocky in the past, does she really want you working 2 extra jobs til the wee small hours, never seeing your kids (who have to live off microwave meals til you get home) and selling your valuables on ebay just to keep a roof over your heads?? NO!! She is trying to make your life secure and stable.

(deep breaths Katgrit, dont get too annoyed with the ungrateful OP!)

As for the offer of paying your children through Uni, you cant blame them for not knowing what they want to do just yet!! But she is giving them the OPPORTUNITY to further themselves. They dont have to sign themselves up tomorrow do they? They dont have to go. She is giving them the CHANCE to do something more. Just say in a few years your eldest 2 decide they DO want to go and study, and all your Mum's money has gone to the cats home. Do you really want your children coming home from lectures and then working behind a bar til midnight as well as studying and sitting exams just so they can afford to pay themselves through Uni? Kids change their minds a lot, dont take the word of a 14year old that they might not want to further their education years down the line.

Children, people, young adults, everyone needs their privacy at times. As someone who had to share a room with her brother up to the age of 14 i'd beg you to accept the offer of the house. If they are constantly squabbling, argueing and being typical teenagers surely their own space would help??

Your poor OH, you asked him what HE would do with the extra money and he told you what HE would do with the money, not what he thought YOU WOULD LIKE HIM TO DO WITH MONEY. He didn't say he'd blow it down the casino, spend it on dancing girls and a lamburghini did he? He only wanted to do normal stuff, driving lessons etc. You cant be mad because he's never been that up for it before can you? Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe he's not been eager to have lessons because he knew you couldn't really afford them?? Surely the extra money each month from no mortgage or rent could fund the car costs? He actually was good enough to mention that he'd also spend it on practical stuff you need aswell. I dont know what you wanted as a better answer.

I really hope you are just coming across as ungrateful when in reality its just stress of what to do with this generous, caring, thoughtful gift. Please, for the sake of your childrens future, knock that big chip off your shoulder and see the bigger picture here.

If i was your mother i would cut you out and leave it in a trust fund for each of your children when they turn 18 or 25 or whatever age. They could then go to Uni and hopefully get a good stable career or they can put it down on a house so they wont have to struggle quite as hard to provide for THEIR families as their grandmother did.

Whilst perhaps rather strong, i think nail on head here.

Zazen999 wrote: »

Sorry, in amongst all that text, I thought I read non-council....but yes - I agree.

Staying in a council house when you don't need one is ludicrous.

I agree, so unfair on those who dont have a parent offering to buy a house for them! Don't you know there aren't enough council houses to go around.

And being helped by the council isn't standing on your own two feet.

Apologies if some of this has been covered too much already, not got time to read 9 pages!

Happy_Girl_2

This has been a very interesting thread, particularly as we can watch the OP evolve as the thread goes on and her awareness increases.

I understand about not wanting to be on your own and sticking with it to prevent that. I was with my ex DH for 15 years, and it was very similar to yours. I wouldn't leave, or rather, I felt I couldn't leave, as the alternative was far worse in my mind. Like you, I had never been alone before, and it seemed a very scary prospect.

One day I woke up, and a lightbulb came on in my head. I was 34, and I didn't want to be in this relationship when I was 74! It was time to take action, and I left. I won't deny it was hard at times, but the sense of empowerment of being able to come and go as I pleased, and shut my own front door, and relax in my own place, knowing it was mine, and the peace didn't rely on me keeping my DH sweet, was so great!

What is it you want to retrain for? If you told us specifically what you want to study, we might be able to offer you some practical solutions to getting started? I can't help thinking that if you started your studies now, you would break yourself out of your rut, and build your confidence, meaning the rest of your decisions would fall into place easier?

angel_delight

Thank you for the last few replies-paticuraly the positive encouraging ones.

Although nothing major has changed I just wanted to say firstly a proper thank you for the birthday wishes for last friday. Also that I have edited my first post slightly in benefit to those who only read that and not my other replies incase it gets bumped up again at any time in the future.

My o.h is still ignoring me virtually. We had the mother of all arguements a couple of nights ago with insults going flying back and forth. Apparently i'm wicked, no-one is going to dictate to him how he spends his wages (let alone have any) and he is supposedly leaving within a couple weeks- which would be good timing (sarcasm) knowing it'll be literally a few days after my op. It didn't start off that way, I calmly approached him asking how long things were going to continue like this for? Of course he played dumb until I stated he'd been playing his usual typical controlling emotional games ever since the house talk.

Even before all that on my birthday he was a complete and utter sh*t which kind of ruined it. Firstly making me think he'd not bothered to get a card from our daughter to give to me until just before she went bed at 8.30pm. That was handed over with some chocs. His own card to me was handed over not long after (almost begrudgingly) and not before i'd asked if he had got me anything. I know it sounds rude expecting something and know things had been strained but I was still felt hurt at his pettiness when I realised that was it, especially when I always have made a fuss on his birthdays before and he had been planning on giving me some money anyway (to save traipsing round). I even had to ask if he'd help out with the masses of housework that evening which topped things off nicely, same as a few other nights of late after coming in shattered from work. The sighs/looks- honestly anyone would think i'd asked him to climb mount everest, not take a bin out as he struggles to tear himself away from the precious xbox/tv/bible/whatever.

Mum and me have had a good couple of talks over the last few days too. She just wants to throttle him for acting the ungreatful immature selfish way he is and reckons he'll never change. She's also aware of all my finacial concerns of coping alone of course but is more worried about the present. Even though i'm trying to keep as strong as I possibly can or rather put on the "front" his ignorance, the whole atmosphere is getting unbearable. Part of me wants to just put on a temporary "sex plaster"- to make him be nice to me again but- well it's not solving anything long term and i'll hate myself for doing it. Meanwhile i'm suffering, hurting so bad.

Keep forcing myself to look to/think of the future- checking out houses, thinking what I can do to retrain. I so don't have a clue though? Had plenty of aspirations as a teenager myself which is why I regret I suppose not going back to college to do a different course after realising the first wasn't for me. These days my self confidence is gone- what was once what I thought a really exciting career choice leaves me feeling now like I wouldn't have the nerve to do it or it'd be too impractical with the kids etc.

Because of the fear that he might leave soon ( I say might he's said it before and not done anything - almost enjoying it like it's some sort of sick power thrill, but then again sometimes he has gone ahead ) i've started looking for daytime work that I can do-fit in/qualified for as I wont be able to continue in my evening work. The job market down here though has been dire since the recession and choices very limited. It's been hard enough biding my time in such an up/down relationship for so long so- but it's been worth it to afford extra things for the kids/home finally after all the debt lifted and of course just to get out to work for sanitys sake. The thought I might have to scrimp on income support soon (unless I give into him yet again buying more time) is making me so anxious.

Primrose

If I was tough in things I said earlier, I apologise, now understanding where you are. Your unhappiness is understandable, being in a lonely "No Mans Land". You have a partner which ought to give you some emotional and financial security yet you are getting nothing from the relationship, except what is a form of emotional abuse. In terms of retraining, it sounds as if you need some help in re-evaluating what your talents are and where your interests lie. You can obviously use a computer. Would extending your computer skills help in finding a new career. This is the time of year when Adult Education classes start (both day time and evening). Would getting the European Computer Driving Licence (which provides competence in a range of computer based skills) enhance your chances of getting work in a range of industries? Contact your Council's Education Department to see if they offer any career counselling. Visit your local library and borrow (or buy) a copy of "What Colour is Your Parachute? It's a useful handbook for those who have been made redundant, who are looking to retrain, or use their skills to set up a new career. It may have some ideas to set you thinking on where your future might lead you.

lynzpower

I also think its good to simply day dream as well. What sort of things make you smile? What things are you good at , can you remember? I think we all go through a stage of "forgetting ourselves" as we get into relationships, devoting yourself to kids and the "daily grind"- even if your partner is 100% supportive.

I love what colour is your parachute too, a great book, I love it. Also love to take time to read Psychologies mag which I always recommend on here as it really creates some nice space to think about happiness and how you get it. Also has a fantastic forum as well.

Are you sure he will leave the house that he seems so set on. I agree with an earlier poster that he doesnt want to leave his council place, after all he knows he would never get one again as a single man he just wouldnt be priority.

Moreso, I think he is purposely trying to make things difficult for you so that you will leave and it be seen as your choice. Money is not more important than happiness and indeed you can go where the work is to a certain extent if your mum is able to suport you with buying a house.

I think you need to start living your life with you in the driving seat after all you are getting nothing from your OH. being ignored and hoping you will go away really seems like his approach and you really do deserve better than this.

Hugs to you angel I really feel for you

carolan78

So pleased you came back to chat I think Lynz may have hit the nail on the head with your OH. He certainly seems like he is doing his damndest to push you away! What a nice sod story he would have for folks if his partner upped and left him, took his child and moved into a house her mum bought leaving him in a council house and alone.

Next time he threatens to leave I would call his bluff and ask him to go pack then, I would also tell him he isn't using blackmail anymore to get his own way. Your a partnership and if he wants to be part of that, then he must learn to treat you as such. Your desires for the future are as valid as anyone elses, and sound more appealing than his. It just seems to me he wants to plod along in the council house and aspire to nothing. It isn't you without the ambition, it is your OH, and after years of been with him he has pushed the buttons he know will make you too scared to carry out tasks to better yourself.

We all have arguments, but to ignore you for so long is wrong and childish. Can you imagine what it would be like living with that kind of atmosphere when the kids have moved on in their lives and it is just the two of you? I really hope you figure out what will make YOU happy, because you sound like you deserve it and I just know you are strong enought to achieve it, even though you don't think so right now xxx

lynzpower

Hey, Ive been aWAY a little while, and just wondered how you are OP?

Hope things are ok?

angel_delight

Thank you for asking!
(And for the replies previous).

Errm well it's been a up & down past couple of weeks as usual. My operation was supposed to be the Thursday just gone but was cancelled by the surgeon minutes before I would of been prepped to go down to theatre. Turns out he felt it wouldn't be beneficial long term afterall operating where he was going to (which I tried to tell him all along/was in my notes etc but went with his judgement/decision), and where he really needed to was quite risky due to scar tissue build up from previous ops there. So anyway I now have to wait for an appt (in approx 4-6 wks time) to see a more experienced surgeon in this field in the nearest city hospital a couple hours away. Nevermind- i'd only waited all year for this op, trekking back and forth to the hospital for tests, saved up virtually all my holiday time off work for the recouperation when I could of well done with it earlier in the year or at least spread it out a bit.:mad:

As for the other half- not long after I posted last I really couldn't take much more and gave in/had nookie- whatever way you want to look at it? Things were good for a few days (hey I even got a cheapy belated birthday present). I was casually checking his Ebay feedback one night to see if he'd kept to his promise of not buying anything more when I came across it and knew it had to be for me by what it was. I enquired about it casually and he said "Oh that (as if in remembering as it'd been bought a few weeks prior to my birthday) yeah, you can have it tommorrow, I was actually going to send it back". I didn't know whether to be greatful or not but bit my tongue on muttering anything sarcastic after thanking him.

Not long after that he starts to take an interest whenever me and the eldest two kids were checking out potential houses on the internet and voicing his opinions on which one to get. Complete turn around I thought not to mention a bit of a cheek after all he'd said previously. Wev'e been clashing a fair bit actually over it all. If anything it's turned out i'm the more fussy one- something bog standard to me seemed grand to him and he's non too keen on the area I would prefer to live in (although i've checked all over in my town which I/the kids want to stay in). Then there's the fact the budget mums recently given me of £200 K to 220 k tops which is very generous in itself I know has only places which are ex council on bad estates, dodgy druggy crime areas, stuck way out in the country or houses which arent a scratch on my own council place- inside/out/space/location which is absurd. I know the housing market has picked up and house prices have always been extortionate down my way but still. Don't want to just pick somewhere (e.g like up above) and make do considering this home will be where I live for years to come, my kids inheritance of which they'll have to sell in turn themselves which they both agree with. I keep looking though in hope.

From a talk with mum a couple days ago I get the feeling she doesn't feel easy rushing this along afterall because of her distrust in my o.h- not just by hesitations in him finacially doing his part if we moved to a bought home, but because of the way he treats me most of the time and our unstable relationship. It appears like it's gone back to normal now anyway- wednesday he was all over me like a rash trying to get nookie in before by op on the next day. Within 24hrs though and knowing it hadn't gone ahead (which was no doubt relief as he wouldn't have to help out as much/could bu**ger off out heaps like usual)- he was back to normal. He's had this week off work (pre-booked months back so I was told when the operation date came through "I was lucky" because of the timing. Well he hasn't spent one bit of proper quality time with me unless you count you know what- I got fed up of asking only to get "control freak" quotes chucked at my face/keeping him prisoner and why should he when all I do is whinge/moan at him.

One night this week after trying to plead/talk which ended up in a row I was so depressed/hurt/used/fed up of him twisting things-painting me out to be the villan everytime I found myself popping out lots of ibuprofen out of their packets with a bottle of bicardi near by. Then it was like I came out from some sort of trance and just curled up in a ball sobbing muttering away to myself/God in the early hours. It's not the first time it's come to that where i'm feeling that low- the one thing that's stopped me is the kids, especially the little one and the thought of him bringing her up.

Anyway i'll leave it at there for now. Because of everything I haven't given too much further thought to either studying/other jobs- obviously it would be better if the job market picked up down here and once the little one is at school. Primarily though I was waiting to get this operation out of the way with first- something which is so needed to regain any bit of self confidence I have left and lessen pain somewhat. If when I see this other surgeon he says the same as the first it'll be a huge blow- something hard to come to terms with on top of all the other cr*p.

Sorry for going on, I know there's others going through way more worse situations than mine.

Thanks.

Mojisola

Thanks for updating us.

You are obviously going to find it very difficult but there is no way you are going to be able to move on with your life while you are with your OH. He is not being a partner to you - he is using you and constantly undermining you so that you will allow him to keep on using you.