What would you do? inheritance decision to make with limited choices.

carolan78

Mojisola wrote: »

angel - it might be worth talking to a women's support group in your area. I know this man - I don't want to call him your OH - isn't physically hurting you but he is harming you emotionally and mentally. Sometimes if you share your story with other people, their reaction to it can help you to see more clearly how bad it is, and their stories will ring bells with you and put his behaviour into perspective.

You are far from the first to find it so difficult to make the break. Talk to others who are ahead of you in the journey and you will find that, hard as it is, it is worth it.

Be prepared for this man to get nasty when he realises that he is losing his power over you. It's unlikely that he will go quietly without badmouthing you to people you know. Again, the support of women who have been through this will be invaluable to you.

I think this is one post you should take notice of hun, I think either way it will really help you assess the situation proprerly yourself.

As others have said you have a huge safety net there with your Mum and you know she would help finanacially if need be. We can sit here shocked and tell you what we think of him until we're blue in the face but reading isn't quiet the same as seeing reactions. You can't see me wince when reading your posts, you can't see the deep sadness on my face when you tell us he isn't even providing a basic need in anyones life (love). This man doesn't love you he is there because your a quick lay if he flicks the right switches, your an emotional punchbag for him and you have picked up where Mummy left off cooking, cleaning ect.

Look at how he behaved over your op, something I know I would have been worried about. My DH would have been going out of his way the night before to help me forget aout it, I would have got a massage with no strings to help me relax and sleep. He would have even got up at silly o'clock to do me reakfast if I had to start fasting at a silly hour (I know because he has) and believe me my DH is no saint and can be an unthoughtful sod at times lol So for a man to just try and get his leg over the night before can't care one iota for you hun. Still rooting for you here, even if it takes another 12 months for the lightbulb moment, I will still be here rooting and reading so keep us updated as and when, but most of all remember your not alone, you will only ever be alone if you don't speak to people about how your feeling x

ailuro2

Angel delight - I lived with someone many years back who was not good for me, he has since had treatment for alcoholism, but he spent most of our relationship denying his drinking was a problem, and called me all the nagging harridans under the sun for trying to spoil his fun.
I eventually got out after a very dear lady said to me after yet another morning turning up at work with dark and baggy eyes from crying the night before -

How long can you go on living like this?

That sentence made the light bulb go on in my head, and made me realise I really did deserve better, and although it took time I got myself a new place to stay and left him behind. I lied to him throughout telling him it was just a break for me, otherwise he would have done everything he could to stall me, but once I was out and had my own keys to the door I took control of my own life and no-one was able to tell me what a nag I was any more.

It wasn't that he was entirely a bad person, just that his choice of behaviours was dragging me down, and holding me back.

I did go on to meet my wonderful husband, and we have a lovely family now, it now feels like the person I was back then is someone who is not me.

Best of luck to you, and those around you who love you and want what's best for you.

margaretclare

Zazen99, I did not mean to be rude about frogs - I have a wildlife pond in my garden and the frogs and toad provide us with endless innocent amusement and interest. I just cannot think of an appropriate epithet.

Carolan 78, how I agree. DH and I have been together for 12 years now and in that time we have both had a lot of surgery for different things. One of my earliest memories of him was literally a few weeks after he moved in and I opened my eyes following revision of hip replacement in a BUPA hospital to see him sitting beside my bed watching a blood drip going in. I thought then 'Poor guy, he didn't know what he was letting himself in for'.

When I had pelvic floor surgery 2 years ago, I was allowed to come home overnight after the booking-in procedure provided I arrived back on the ward by 7 am for surgery that morning. DH brought me home and took me back again.

We have been there for each other many many times, and that's how it should be. Wanting sex just before you go in for surgery, not thinking about how worried you must have been, all the things that go through your head at such a time, I can't imagine it. I know I could NOT live in such a set-up, not in a million years. My heart goes out to you.

Mojisola

angel - as carolan says, you can't see our reactions when we read about his behaviour, but you should be able to hear our cheers when we read that you've got yourself free from him!

angel_delight

Thanks for continuing to support and advise me.

Matters kind of escalated early yesterday evening. Huge row broke out between myself and my eldest two kids. My teenage son started being irritating to eldest dd and not wanting the situation to get worse I calmly said to him if he's going to behave like that prehaps he should go out to see his mates for a bit to let off some steam/energy as he'd been cooped up in his room all day. Well he started chucking things off the fridge then (e.g magnets/important reminder notes) and was about to start elsewhere when I snapped, got up to stop him and said to "get out". He ended up pushing me into my pc desk nearly causing me to crash into my monitor and printer (i'm okay, only slight red marks). That I could handle. It was when he started saying "No you get out, no-one wants you here, everyone hates you and even ******* (little one) will when she's older too". Then unbelievably after sticking up for her, the eldest dd basicly said the same thing adding "it's true mum- no-one likes you, we all wished you'd died when you've tried to over dose before." Basicly what was it now i'm a sh*t parent who can't discipline her kids and youngest will turn out the same way and they don't know of any other friends/kids at school who hate their mothers/wish them dead as much as they do. I turned around and said "i've always done my best by you two, had the patience of a saint and they were lucky there dad wasn't here or even living with him as they'd (especially son) be black and blue by now". I got accused of bringing their dad into it again before being told as usual "well we wouldn't be like that with him in the first place". Which so hurts, especially when i've done ten times more for them as a parent, put up with ten times more than he ever would. Then they said no wonder *** (the o.h) hates me always nagging/moaning- causing arguements- I replied "So what i'm supposed to just sit down and take it then? all his selfish behaviour as a partner/father/finacially?!"

I said to them "if only my mum could hear you two now" and then got sworn at and accused of always dragging my mum into things because the o.h now can't be bothered to intervene anymore (he was stuck upstairs on his xbox and could hear all the commotion but couldn't be bothered to tear himself away). They basicly turned around and said "We don't give a sh*t what she's got to say anyway." Upon being told to "go, no-one wants you here" , I said "i'm not going anywhere it's my house, my name primarily on the lease (having been a council tennant in our previous place years before o.h and I got together). Then they got cocky saying "no it's the councils and *** (the o.h) pays the rent anyway, your not wanted blah blah blah.

Not long after I had to go out to the local shop (get some cash back for their school bus fares), meanwhile I asked the o.h to run the little ones bath. The tears just fell and didn't stop once I left the house- I kept asking for God to take me away from all this pain repeatedly or somehow fast forward my life by 5-10 years so it was just me and my little girl.
I briefly stepped inside a phone box fingers ready to call the samaritans chain smoking until I felt sick but was such an emotional wreck I wouldn't of probably been understood anyway. What could I say?, Where did I start? The present events with the eldest two, the o.h and the let down of the much needed hospital op?, The past- several years of being left in huge debt, battling solicitors to get my snatched brainwashed son back, a miscarriage and being forced into two abortions (by my ex & o.h) , not to mention being devestated a few months back upon being told by doctors for my own health/life i'd have to do the same again after becoming pregnant while my contraception had dislodged nearly rupturing my insides.

I tried to figure out when it all started but it seems years? Was all this some form of never ending punishment for possibly being a right cow to my mum as a teen? (but no-where on the same scale as my two). For cheating on my ex over the years because of pent up neglect/lonliness just to feel special for one night? For stupidly becoming infatuated with someone off the internet (my now o.h) because of the same reasons, not being able to choose between them and hate endured all round for splitting up the family when the ex finally left but not after slashing his wrists/attempting to hang himself in front of me/our kids? (although he did move on from me the day he moved out with wife no.1 who turned out pyschotic and threatning).

The guilt of what i'd caused/pain was pretty bad by then I wanted to die and came so close to doing- but fought back for my kids-the two who now hate me. Fought back because I thought if I don't give this relationship a go with this internet guy (in real life) and stick it out no matter what everything would of been in vain- all the hurt/upset i've caused, the kids dad moving away eventually too. But it seems like it's cost me ever since? I can't shrug of the feeling it's what I deserve/have to endure as payback?

Rolling on -there I am back at my house after coming back from the phone box/shop and I feel rooted to the pavement outside- too distraught to contemplate going back in where the only person that wanted me there was my four year old. I felt like ringing up 999 and begging them to section me. I felt like I was going crazy inside hugging myself in the cold muttering on and on "God just take me please!". Then a text came through- my o.h asking where was I?, he'd not long put our daughter in the bath (obviously waiting for my return to do it) but she was now tired. That was it. No concern even though i'd been out nearly an hour and he'd seen how upset I was just before leaving. Eventually I came in and got "where have you been? & why do I look so depressed again?" which was replied with the short sweet answer of "because of you and the eldest two". He'd also said "what was all that you was telling the oldest two downstairs about your name primarily on the lease rights of this house?" (Wonder why?!)


Had to phone my mum not long after (check to see if we were on a driving lesson the next day), and she noticed I sounded down. At first I tried to make out all was okay but the nights events came tumbling out inbetween sobs.
She knew it wasn't the first time they'd been verbally bad but was so disgusted as to what was said. How I'd been reduced to tears yet again by them. It all came out- how they didn't care about me, how they were always asking how much is nan worth?, how i'd come across scribbled sums before now of how much inheritance they'd each get from both her and my dad if I died and my share would then go on to them? How this inheritance/house thing of late had just turned everyone in the house either dictating or bickering to me. All the stress it'd caused, how I didn't want it as it's causing everyone around me to be greedy selfish vultures and would rather just have my mum instead. (soz got to stop cryingg right now typing this.)

She then stated she wouldn't have her daughter treated like that and if that's the way they thought then they didn't deserve a penny of her hard earned money- there would be no inheritance. I felt relief but also guilt and sadness. She went onto say the house thing would be dropped for now but she still wanted me at some time in the future once they left home to move out to somewhere small, have somewhere nice of my own to get away from the o.h as she didn't want me to loose out entirely. Any proceeds of sale eventually would go to charity instead. Meantime maybe some of it could go on a retraining course etc. Their trust funds wern't mentioned and I didn't want to ask. I did however mention the little one saying "it seems unfair on her, she's done nothing" to which mum replied that she'd be sorted possibly in the form of private education instead.

I said to her the eldest two are just going to hate me even more if it's possible
(I tolerate it because of the past and praying that one day in the future they'll come out of their teen years loving me again like when they were little).
She replied that it's their own fault, if they can prove to her over the next few years that they've changed she might reconsider. That at this present time i'm to concentrate on getting strong, getting rid of the o.h and telling them if they don't like living here they can dam well pack their bags and see if their dad can cope with them (even though they state they won't cos their mates are down here). That if they don't like that option they can go into care or live with a friend.
I've come close over the years to asking my ex to take them but stopped after remembering all the anguish it caused when I asked him for help with our son (when age 9) for a few days- not long after we split (he went quite bad). Ex brainwashed him into believing I neither loved nor wanted him. Four-five months it took to get my son back/convince him otherwise. Since the ex has moved on up country onto wife no.2 (with new child) he has not once stopped at persuading eldest dd to live with him over the years when he visits, never ds though funnily enough as he knows he's a lot of hard work. To my ex this would of had several advantages rolled into one (council house sooner, less Csa to pay, more child benefit and the fact he could of got his one last chance of revenge on me in alienating my daughter forever as she'd be hundreds of miles away and he'd know I would finacially struggle to visit her enough. So part of me feels like I can't risk it just incase.

The o.h was walking in mid phone call and knew he/the kids was being discussed about , looks at me all upset then proceeds to wash up which he never does unless I beg/really ill. No doubt it was so he could look busy while really wanting to listen in. By the time I got off the phone he'd gathered most of it. He then proceeded to make out to me that he didn't know the eldest two had said what they'd did (about how they and him all hate me/wish me dead) to which I don't believe. It was loud enough and he heard the house lease comment mentioned up above. Apparently he didn't want to come down as "the kids and you are like three bulls when rowing". Mum had said he was pathetic for not being supportive at the time especially when my son could of caused me great injury with his strength which I related back. He then said acting all caring I would never wish you dead or want you gone too like they made out (touching hey?) and i'm glad there's no inhertance/house now- I knew it was a bad idea in the first place. (He always tends to gloat whenever he disses something and is proved right).

Before I knew it he was up in our daughters room (who she shares with eldest dd) and looked like he was going to say something about the phone call if I hadn't of stepped in. I thought if it's going to come from anyone mum would prefer it from me. She'd even told me to tell my teenage dd that as she wishes me dead on such a regular basis then she won't mind then if I don't bother with giving her birthday money on friday when she turns 15. See how she likes feeling hurt then back as all she wants me for is money/whinging for this/that. Eldest dd shrugged off the "no inheritance" thing pretty much, other than to try to make out she hadn't said half of what she had before I walked out.
Upon telling my son (she'd of only told him soon enough anyway), he let loose again ranting away. Saying how he'll tell nan - his version of events that evening (no doubt painting himself as a saint), along with this, that (how hard done by he is I expect) and how he'll get mum to re-instate their inheritance and have me left with nothing. I said "how I wished I could film him saying that, but it doesn't matter as his nan's not naive" to which I got called a fat ugly sl*t before he stomped back up the stairs.


Well that's my night and a fair bit of past history filled in- this thread is beginning to turn into some sort of vent out novel I suppose? Thanks to all again.

ailuro2

Angel Delight, I can't read and run.

For someone who started out as the baddie of this sad tale, your mother has ended up coming across as a very sensible lady with a good head on her shoulders. She's going to look after you, no matter what.

As for splitting your family up when they were younger, would they rather you stayed in an unhappy relationship just for them? What kind of example would that have been, to your DD especially?

Teenagers can and do say horrible things, but can I also say, people will treat you how they let them.

It sounds like your 'man' has twigged that you're growing in strength (even though you might not think so!) and needs to buck up his ideas or he'll be out on his @$$. Don't let your teenagers call you a !!!!!! - they can tell you they hate you if they like, but name-calling is unacceptable and should be punished (take their phones, mp3s, nintendos off them, do it while they're at school, make them earn them back) I think you sohuld remove priveliges for the one who pushed you too, that's completely out of order.

Thnik of it like Cesar Milan dog whisperer - once you act like the leader of the pack you will be treated with some respect, let them be top dog and you'll get snapped at and bitten.

Since your man has decided not to be a partner, then he needs to be treated like a pack member too - don't expect any support from him, do it yourself, become as strong as the woman inside you wants to be. Stop arguing with the kids about inheritance, make up a set of house rules and put them upon the fridge. Tell them this is how it's going to be. Stop shouting at them!(it doesn't work)

Last thing I've to say this morning - you're emotionally distressed and need someone impartial to talk to. You're thinking about overdosing and are up at 4 in the morning - remember disrupted sleep is one symptom of depression, so maybe you need to go talk to your GP or someone who will understand and be a shoulder to cry on.

Best wishes.

IWish

Angel Delight - I couldn't read and run either. My goodness you have been through a lot. I admire your honesty. I totally agree with everything Ailuro2 has said, please talk to someone who can help you - you have become stronger, just believe in yourself. Your OH seems to be another child for you to deal with and that's just not healthy in what should be an equal partnership. As others have said he doesn't support you and definately does not show you love - which you so deserve. Change in any aspect of life can be hard - even when you are moving from worse to better - but you can do it. Your Mum obviously loves you and sounds like a sensible woman - Big hugs.

carolan78

All I can say is wow, I am rarely shocked but your children have shocked me. So pleased your mum is been supportive hun and please don't do anything stupid, your teens were horrible to you but hopefully they will get through it and grow up. OH has no spine hun get him out of your house asap. He is no support to you and I feel he gaods the kids so they behave in this manor. Why else would he have been going to your DD's room?

I think he is single handedley tearing your family apart. Please don't let him, I would also speak to the social services, gp or school about the teens. It seems they both have huge anger issues and councilling may help them deal with it. Infact ditch your oh and speak to someone about family councilling for you and your children (youngest DD included) and go from there hun.

You are showing fantastic strength and you can do it, still rooting for you hun, you will get there in the end xx

Zazen999

I suspect the day AD finally gets him out - everyone will relax, breathe a huge sigh of relief and start enjoying life again - without this manipulative [insert your choice of rude word here] in all their lives. A few tears of regret about rudeness/stupidity, some ice creams all round and some pizza to celebrate.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

ailuro2

Zazen999 - you've summed up how I feel about this thread very nicely, wouldn't it be great to wave a magic wand and see into the future.....

Angel Delight in a smaller home with her kids in a nice part of town, the teenagers now settling down because there's no emotional games being played by ex the exes, and no financial worries now Gran's helped Mum work out the budget.

The teens get a lift to college with Mum, she's retraining to do what she always wanted to when she was younger.Who would have thought angel would make such a great dog groomer?
Gran drops the littlest one off at school where she's doing really well, top of the class now she has peace to do her homework!

They all come home to dinner cooked by Angel D's hunky new husband, this time she's found Mr Right, and he treats her as an equal, makes her heart sing, and never ever pressures her into 'giving' him nookie!!

Angel Delight this might seem far fetched, but we MSEers are keeping everything crossed for you, waiting to see just how happy your story is going to turn out.:D