Is OH right I am lazy..or is he a bully? Feel sad.

flowerscotland

Awww hun ((hugs)) I really hope that you are ok :A

Can I just mention that my Dad behaves exactly like this with me, he has said things in the past like I am a bad Mum, I am lazy, my house is a mess, he shouts at me. When I am trying to make decisions, especially about my girls that he doesn't agree with, he flies off the handle and falls out with me. I know now, although it is still hard to accept, that he is doing it because he cares about me. This is his way of dealing with things, he has had a rubbish upbringing and it has affected him big time.

But on the other hand if I called my Dad and asked him for something, anything in the world he would be there 100% for me, he would do anything for me and I know that.

Give the guy a chance, talk to him about how you are feeling, tell him exactly what he is doing to hurt you, as if he is anything like my Dad he won't have a clue, my Dad needs it pointed out to him very slowly and clearly what it is he is doing to upset me or others, and only then will he start to listen.

Good luck.

londoner1998

ameliarate wrote: »

I have to agree with the post. My OH and me argue and I have been known to throw things, as has he, but never at each other, just out of frustration. It is certainly not one step away from physical abuse. I actually accused him of being a bully last night and in some ways I think he is. He interrupts when I try to speak during an argument, he brings my family into our arguments, he says things about my relationship with my daughter, which he knows will hurt me. even though what we are arguing about is ridiculously minor to the point where we don't actually know what we are arguing about.

Yet when things are good between us it is so easy to love him because he makes me laugh, we have fun. He is extremely self centered, but never selfish.

People can be more than one thing and sometimes we have to take some responsibility on ourselves when we "push buttons".

But it's when the instances of arguing, as in our case, outweigh the fun part that you have to think about calling things a day.

People should try to look at themselves HONESTLY before accusing others of thing.

Oh, Amelierate... you have almost described my relationship... just now I got very frustrated when he put the phone down on me while I was complaining about a comment someone made to me at work, which annoyed me no end...he was cooking at the time, got fed up with me having got upset at the comment (annoyed, rather) and decided I was being silly and getting the wrong end of the stick. However, I think I just wanted to off-load and this is what he doesn't get. I got furious because putting the phone down is one of those things I consider rude to the extreme and inmature (and he knows it). I said things I don't really feel (but I did then) about him spending too much time doing nothing (he is not working this week) and having no manners...but I also know that when I need help with job applications/moral support, etc... he is there for me. I have colled off now becasue I knwo he is frustrated at not working this week and having his daughter miles away from him on her 11th birthday...Some people might consider these situations mutual abuse (and may be it is, at the time) but we are people with a dense personal history (especially me) and things are rarely black or white. He is of the 'everybody is good' brigade, with a relatively easy life and a very (sometimes too much) relaxed attitute to money and I ...well, I had a lot of fighting to do since I was a child to just stay alive and I know how nasty people can be, having earned everything I have so far in life so yeah, it can get complicated.....but when we are not bickering like this, things are greay and we get on like a house on fire. He makes me laugh and is, well, a very special person. I know one of my closest friends doesnt not understand how I put up with what he considers unaccepable behaviour (i,e putting the phone down/throwing things), but this friend hasn't seen me doing the same and worse and doesn't know they way I know what my OH is a very loving and caring person (in spite of having a big ego and being very self-centered as well). Nobody knows what goes on in that very private realm of relationships and I don't believe any one party is always guilty or innocent...

ameliarate

londoner1998 wrote: »

Oh, Amelierate... you have almost described my relationship... just now I got very frustrated when he put the phone down on me while I was complaining about a comment someone made to me at work, which annoyed me no end...he was cooking at the time, got fed up with me having got upset at the comment (annoyed, rather) and decided I was being silly and getting the wrong end of the stick. However, I think I just wanted to off-load and this is what he doesn't get. I got furious because putting the phone down is one of those things I consider rude to the extreme and inmature (and he knows it). I said things I don't really feel (but I did then) about him spending too much time doing nothing (he is not working this week) and having no manners...but I also know that when I need help with job applications/moral support, etc... he is there for me. I have colled off now becasue I knwo he is frustrated at not working this week and having his daughter miles away from him on her 11th birthday...Some people might consider these situations mutual abuse (and may be it is, at the time) but we are people with a dense personal history (especially me) and things are rarely black or white. He is of the 'everybody is good' brigade, with a relatively easy life and a very (sometimes too much) relaxed attitute to money and I ...well, I had a lot of fighting to do since I was a child to just stay alive and I know how nasty people can be, having earned everything I have so far in life so yeah, it can get complicated.....but when we are not bickering like this, things are greay and we get on like a house on fire. He makes me laugh and is, well, a very special person. I know one of my closest friends doesnt not understand how I put up with what he considers unaccepable behaviour (i,e putting the phone down/throwing things), but this friend hasn't seen me doing the same and worse and doesn't know they way I know what my OH is a very loving and caring person (in spite of having a big ego and being very self-centered as well). Nobody knows what goes on in that very private realm of relationships and I don't believe any one party is always guilty or innocent...

So close to my relationship and history it is almost scary :eek:

I was upset about him going somewhere with a woman recently and whilst I knew deep down there was nothing in it I needed reassurance - all I got was him saying why are you being so f*ing stupid, I can't believe you can be jealous at your f*ing age and put the phone down. He can't see that he is wrong over that just that I am stupid to be jealous. Perhaps I am stupid to be jealous, but his behaviour was awful, IMO. Later on he told me he loved me, would never be unfaithful and would cancel the outing, but why do we have to go through the carp in the first place?

londoner1998

It is uncanny how similar our experiences are :eek:
Well, I guess we all need re-assurance that we are loved and wanted and putting the phone down/shouting/throwing things can be painful reminders of having been left alone in the past or not gettign that re-assurance (do you detect healthy dose of counselling there??)- just now he called me to apologise and all excited as he got an interview for a job he really wants (I helped him to prepare the application, etc...). As happy as I am for him, I couldn't help it but saying that I am not enthusiastic if I will hardly see him during the week for the four months this ill go on (if he gets the job:he already works three day a week and supplements with freelancing/overtime) plus I am upset that he had to put the phone down earlier just because he didn't agree with my thoughts on the comment made by my colleague at work-he knows how much it upsets me . I know it will be ok, but I couldn't resist showing him that if you treat people like shiv, you get treated like that too...it would be wonderful if we didn't have to get to that point to show the other person we love them, but self-centered people are used to get away with murder and one of the things they get away with is avoiding uncomfortable conversations (ie, jealousy, etc...) by putting the phone down or crashing something against the wall. Many people don't have the tools to deal with it properly , and it is only afterwards they realise that reassurance is what we are after ...I don't know, but I can related to the OH of the OP- due to my childhood (my mother was an alcoholic and died very suddenly of it), I have a horror of mess and dirt and I find it extremely hard to deal with procastination and 'lazyness' (you know what I mean)...preious experiences really colour the perception of what's around us, no more often than not in a not very helpful way.

Jake'sGran

I have just been reading through all the posts again. Firstly, I have to say that of course I know there are two sides to these stories but this does not mean both of the parties are as bad as each other. Some people seem to be natural bullies and others seem to be naturally submissive. There are some really illuminating comments in this thread, e.g.

" previous experiences really colour the perception of what's around us" (londoner)
My Mother really disliked my father. There was no abuse of any kind so I don't know when that went sour. I thought it was the same in other households. Children don't give it a thought. My parents never ever spoke to each other using each other's names. I was frightened of my father.

I suggest that it is a fine line between abuse and just trying to rub along together as best you can and that this is where one should remember the biblical injunction 'let him who is without sin cast the first stone'. (paddy's Mum)
This quote from the bible is totally irrelevant. Rubbing along together should never include one party having to be take to hospital to have bones set or worse.

Nobody knows what goes on in that very private realm of relationships and I don't believe any one party is always guilty or innocent... (Londoner)
No so! Are you suggesting that in every partnership both parties always behave as badly or as well as each other. This is obviously not the case.

But it's when the instances of arguing, as in our case, outweigh the fun part that you have to think about calling things a day. (Ameliorate)
You are absolutely right but some just don't have the courage.

Some months ago I had a bad fall in the garden and due to my poor health (heart), and age I suppose, I didn't have the strength to help myself. I went down with my head hitting a a brick built trough. My specs were smashed and I sustained a badly bruised head and black eye. I was harangued for about half an hour; there was no sympathy at all, just a screeching about "why can't you be more careful?". I call that cruel (and abusive) but I think some on here would not agree.

belfastgirl23

Jake'sGran wrote: »

I have just been reading through all the posts again. Firstly, I have to say that of course I know there are two sides to these stories but this does not mean both of the parties are as bad as each other. Some people seem to be natural bullies and others seem to be naturally submissive. There are some really illuminating comments in this thread, e.g.

" previous experiences really colour the perception of what's around us" (londoner)
My Mother really disliked my father. There was no abuse of any kind so I don't know when that went sour. I thought it was the same in other households. Children don't give it a thought. My parents never ever spoke to each other using each other's names. I was frightened of my father.

I suggest that it is a fine line between abuse and just trying to rub along together as best you can and that this is where one should remember the biblical injunction 'let him who is without sin cast the first stone'. (paddy's Mum)
This quote from the bible is totally irrelevant. Rubbing along together should never include one party having to be take to hospital to have bones set or worse.

Nobody knows what goes on in that very private realm of relationships and I don't believe any one party is always guilty or innocent... (Londoner)
No so! Are you suggesting that in every partnership both parties always behave as badly or as well as each other. This is obviously not the case.

But it's when the instances of arguing, as in our case, outweigh the fun part that you have to think about calling things a day. (Ameliorate)
You are absolutely right but some just don't have the courage.

Some months ago I had a bad fall in the garden and due to my poor health (heart), and age I suppose, I didn't have the strength to help myself. I went down with my head hitting a a brick built trough. My specs were smashed and I sustained a badly bruised head and black eye. I was harangued for about half an hour; there was no sympathy at all, just a screeching about "why can't you be more careful?". I call that cruel (and abusive) but I think some on here would not agree.

Sorry you have had such a tough time Jake'sgran. I don't think we were any of us saying that situations don't arise regarding abuse and domestic violence etc but we were responding to the OP. Some of us read into it that there was bullying and DV and some of us read into it that there wasn't. I think a lot of this is based on our own personal experiences - if you've experienced DV it sounded like that scenario but if you haven't it sounded like a (maybe slightly worse) version of a normal fight. I do really think only the OP can say which is the case but she's gone on hols by now.

angelicmary85

newcook wrote: »

my ex used to b!tch at me about how much I ate - everytime I had something to eat it was 'eating AGAIN?! - no wonder youve a fat @ss'.
the worst was when I was eating my lunch and he mashed it all over my face trying to put as much in my mouth screaming 'thats it, shovel it in you fat b!tch'.

OMG that's awful!

freyasmum

squirrelchops wrote: »

The !!!!!!! annoying thing is that he is a lovely guy and I am a bit of a nightmare sometimes.

I have been having counselling for other reasons for a few months. this has been a revelation as when he used to say I was behaving in whatever way I automatically believed him as couldn't trust my own feelings on things. Now i am much mroe likely to challenge him which is what I did tonight but with awful consequences.

I feel so sad, scared and useless.

Sorry for the rant. Thank you.

I hate to say it but, no actually, he's not a lovely guy if he's making you feel like that!

He's the one with the problem, not you.

yoni_one

freyasmum wrote: »

I hate to say it but, no actually, he's not a lovely guy if he's making you feel like that!

He's the one with the problem, not you.

If abusers were abusive the whole time, never being nice, then things would be much more cut and dried for the target of abuse, they would have a much better idea of what was going on for starters and less incentive to stay in the relationship.

But the problem is, abusers are very very capable of being nice, in fact often they are very practiced at being nice and that side is shown to the rest of the world most of the time, and to the target of abuse some of the time.

Often it is that 'lovely guy' who we seek to please and bring back again, and we blame ourselves if we do something to annoy the lovely guy and cause the abuser to come out.

It isn't our job to second guess the lovely guy's wants and needs to keep ourselves from being mentally or physically hurt by his alter ego.

A lovely guy is very capable of also being abusive, it doesn't make his lovely side any less lovely in the moment but lets not forget that having a lovely side does not negate the nasty side either, they both exist, and they are both powerful tools used to control the other person in the relationship.

Some people in this thread who disagree that the OP's partner is a bully explain that it is not domestic abuse because they recognise the behaviour in their own relationship and do not view it as abuse.

Does a bully only really become a bully when everyone agrees they are a bully? Or are they a bully all along, even when some people disagree? Maybe that is down to the target of their bullying to decide and from the OP's comments, she feels bullied at times. Being bullied even only sometimes is still never ok.

ameliarate

yoni_one wrote: »

Does a bully only really become a bully when everyone agrees they are a bully? Or are they a bully all along, even when some people disagree? Maybe that is down to the target of their bullying to decide and from the OP's comments, she feels bullied at times. Being bullied even only sometimes is still never ok.

I suppose we think of a bully as someone who forces someone else to do something or give them something. In the instance of the OP, if I am reading it correctly, and, I am beginning to think, myself, that isn't perhaps the case, so much as the arguments that appear to come from nowhere. With us it tends to be when I have asked him to do jobs around the house and suddenly he flares up and shouts or, when he appears to be making niggling comments "at" me, which could in fact be my perception because I am tired/hungry/tetchy and when I react and tell him to "get off my back" it's him that loses his temper and starts shouting at me

but self-centered people are used to get away with murder and one of the things they get away with is avoiding uncomfortable conversations (ie, jealousy, etc...) by putting the phone down or crashing something against the wall.

This comment by londoner interested me. My OH is the most generous man but so self centred and this is him to a T.