Is OH right I am lazy..or is he a bully? Feel sad.

Mips

How will you ever feel you can cope alone when he is treating you like this?

Get domestic abuse help.. you may be shocked at how much of it you can relate to

Jake'sGran

squirrelchops wrote: »

I think today has marked the day when i have said exactly how I feel on the issue Jake's Gran.

Do you know how awful it is actually saying to someone you really love 'I think you are a bully'......it is horrid.

I am a bit late coming back to you, sorry. What can I say about love? Often, it just dies especially when you have been treated scornfully for years. You have to ask yourself if it will ever change - do you think it will, or can? With some women their self esteem disappears in these circumstances. Bullying is a mental abuse and just as bad, I think, as physical abuse of which I have no personal experience.

To be honest, I don't really understand how you can say you "really love" someone who is so unkind. Have you ever imagined living with someone who loves you so much that they just could not hurt you with their words?

If your way of doing things irritates him it just too bad. His way of doing and saying things is very unkind. I feel that he does not suffer like you at all because he has "the power" now and in these circumstances it will get worse and you will suffer more.

paddy's_mum

It has been an eye-opener to me to see just how many people have jumped straight into "domestic abuse" mode during this thread.

tara747

squirrelchops... any update?

yoni_one

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It has been an eye-opener to me to see just how many people have jumped straight into "domestic abuse" mode during this thread.

I can understand that, in my experience of working in the field of DVA frequently targets of abuse are unaware it is happening because it is so subtle and with the abusers help (and help of others they seek support from) they are able to convince themselves that if anything he was acting out of kindness and that somehow they deserved a good talking to, deserved the insults and put downs, and deserved to feel as bad as they do about the way they are being treated by a person who they believe loves them.

If the OP's partner talked to me in exactly the same way he talked to her would she be shocked I wonder? And if he does talk like that to everyone then is his agenda to be helpful to everyone who has faults / is lazy? Or is he a bully?

I cannot stress how subtle DVA can be nor can I stress that it can never be justified, at all ever.

Pee

Breaking something in front of someone is a display of your strength. It is a warning. Making comments about someones weight is domestic abuse. It is about damaging someone elses self esteem so that they do not feel able to leave. Neither of these are acceptable.

Neither of these are being done by accident either.

I think this is scary.

I also think if one person is doing a Uni course and another person is working then depending on the respective hours worked, they are both working. One is financially rewarded, the other is not.

Also, the OP is working a summer job at the moment.

paddy's_mum

Three attempts to reply have either been gobbled up or vanished into thin air. Neither will it accept a thanks vote despite showing as available.

Don't know whether it is my PC or the phone line or the site. Will hope this gets up and try again later. So frustrating to be cut off in mid-flow!

paddy's_mum

Fourth try at completing earlier post and continuing to suggest another viewpoint. Fingers crossed ...

I'm well aware of the nature of domestic abuse, both when perpetrated against just the wife or against the family as a whole. I don't wish to offend squirrelchops nor make her feel worse about her situation than she clearly does already but just who is abusing who in the situation as it is described? I would suggest that if domestic abuse is indeed taking place, then both parties are indulging in it.

You have only to look at a few of the things that OP has herself said about what is going on :- (not direct quotes, my recollection of the gist of what I read)

I'm the one with anger management issues.

I have thrown things at him.

I have been a nightmare at times.

I do procrastinate and frequently don't finish things I start.

I am getting "exactly" what I wanted .. while he is stuck in a job he hates.

I wind him up, he snaps back and the cycle begins again.

He is kindly and hard working.

He is a lovely man who everyone likes.

He is finally running out of tolerance.

Is any weight being given to Mr SC's thoughts and feelings before he is condemned as a virtual wife beater? Is there not a case to be made that almost since the two of them first met, he has unstintingly supported her in every way through university and that this is a classic case of 'don't look just at what he says - look very closely at what he actually does'? What credit is he being given, especially by the domestic abuse brigade, for being loyal, hard working and constant?

At what point is an ordinary chap allowed to get so incredibly frustrated at his partner 's conduct that he loses his temper and throws his toys out the pram?!! When I yell at my husband, as the final thrust in a row "and as for your idle, grubby git of a brother - if he talks to me like that again, I'll knock his block off"! am I abusing my husband and uttering grievous threats that the police ought to be called to or am I just flying off at the mouth on a day when I feel especially taken for granted or aggrieved?

If saying unfair or spiteful things during a heated argument is domestic abuse, then I would guess that 95% of the population have been guilty of the offence. I suggest that it is a fine line between abuse and just trying to rub along together as best you can and that this is where one should remember the biblical injunction 'let him who is without sin cast the first stone'.

It is perhaps interesting to speculate what the responses would have been if Mr SC had been the one writing the post and detailing things from his side of the fence.

This is not a criticism of anyone, or anyone's views - just my wanting to put up another scenario to be thought about should anyone wish to do so.

Frith

Having once lived with a husband like that, I'm sure if you finished every job you set out to do, he would then find something else "wrong" with you.....

L

ameliarate

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Fourth try at completing earlier post and continuing to suggest another viewpoint. Fingers crossed ...

I'm well aware of the nature of domestic abuse, both when perpetrated against just the wife or against the family as a whole. I don't wish to offend squirrelchops nor make her feel worse about her situation than she clearly does already but just who is abusing who in the situation as it is described? I would suggest that if domestic abuse is indeed taking place, then both parties are indulging in it.

You have only to look at a few of the things that OP has herself said about what is going on :- (not direct quotes, my recollection of the gist of what I read)

I'm the one with anger management issues.

I have thrown things at him.

I have been a nightmare at times.

I do procrastinate and frequently don't finish things I start.

I am getting "exactly" what I wanted .. while he is stuck in a job he hates.

I wind him up, he snaps back and the cycle begins again.

He is kindly and hard working.

He is a lovely man who everyone likes.

He is finally running out of tolerance.

Is any weight being given to Mr SC's thoughts and feelings before he is condemned as a virtual wife beater? Is there not a case to be made that almost since the two of them first met, he has unstintingly supported her in every way through university and that this is a classic case of 'don't look just at what he says - look very closely at what he actually does'? What credit is he being given, especially by the domestic abuse brigade, for being loyal, hard working and constant?

At what point is an ordinary chap allowed to get so incredibly frustrated at his partner 's conduct that he loses his temper and throws his toys out the pram?!! When I yell at my husband, as the final thrust in a row "and as for your idle, grubby git of a brother - if he talks to me like that again, I'll knock his block off"! am I abusing my husband and uttering grievous threats that the police ought to be called to or am I just flying off at the mouth on a day when I feel especially taken for granted or aggrieved?

If saying unfair or spiteful things during a heated argument is domestic abuse, then I would guess that 95% of the population have been guilty of the offence. I suggest that it is a fine line between abuse and just trying to rub along together as best you can and that this is where one should remember the biblical injunction 'let him who is without sin cast the first stone'.

It is perhaps interesting to speculate what the responses would have been if Mr SC had been the one writing the post and detailing things from his side of the fence.

This is not a criticism of anyone, or anyone's views - just my wanting to put up another scenario to be thought about should anyone wish to do so.

I have to agree with the post. My OH and me argue and I have been known to throw things, as has he, but never at each other, just out of frustration. It is certainly not one step away from physical abuse. I actually accused him of being a bully last night and in some ways I think he is. He interrupts when I try to speak during an argument, he brings my family into our arguments, he says things about my relationship with my daughter, which he knows will hurt me. even though what we are arguing about is ridiculously minor to the point where we don't actually know what we are arguing about.

Yet when things are good between us it is so easy to love him because he makes me laugh, we have fun. He is extremely self centered, but never selfish.

People can be more than one thing and sometimes we have to take some responsibility on ourselves when we "push buttons".

But it's when the instances of arguing, as in our case, outweigh the fun part that you have to think about calling things a day.

People should try to look at themselves HONESTLY before accusing others of thing.