Is OH right I am lazy..or is he a bully? Feel sad.

Floss

Maybe the holiday would be a good time to both take some time out - he in France and you at home.

I have been stuck in a caravan on holiday when things weren't exactly settled in my marriage, and my ex-husband moved out the weekend after we got home.

At least at home you have the option to go & have a long bath, go for a walk, drive to a friend's home, etc if he starts the comments - in France you may find it very difficult to get some space when you need it.

Suggest to him that he goes on his own, treating it as a way to do what HE wants for the holiday without him having to compromise to take your wishes into account - he may come home and have rethought the way he behaves.

:grouphug:
Floss x

squirrelchops

Good plan Floss.

However, everything apart from this issue that blew up tonight is sorted.

I do think however he was waiting for me to have my ususal 'pre holiday stress' and found anything I said as an excuse to say 'oh here you !!!!!!! go again' etc which then woulnd me up...got him riled and so the cycle began.

He finsihes work at 11pm tonigh and i am sure all will be ok

Floss

squirrelchops wrote: »

Please believe me all......I don't need him though for the money as is a classic reason why people stay together. He knows i have enough means (via inheritance) to buy a house outright just like that so I do have an escape should I need it!

Maybe you could think about whether it is better to invest some of that money in yourself, by paying your share of the bills whilst you finish your degree, thus allowing him to "re-evaluate" his life a little quicker...... he may just be plain jealous of that, and feeling trapped in the job he hates but feeling he has no option other than to put up with it until you are finished at uni.

Might be something to talk about together?

Zazen999

Squirrel - I'm also a tidy organised sort at work; and at home it couldn't be different.

My OH is a peaceful loving minimalist.....but we rub along pretty well as I'm also good at the stuff he isn't.

We often have a jokey banter about how one of us is better than the other at stuff; but if it got serious I'd tell him to lump it.

He KNOWS I'm not a completer finisher and i point out that the things that make me 'ME' are sometimes going to be things that drive him mad.....but they're all part of the package. He just has to learn to manage me better when he wants stuff doing on time :rotfl:

If it is getting to the stage of real anger and violence; you do have to work out whether the things that keep you together are the things that ultimately drive you apart.

Good luck; perhaps the holiday will give you both a chance to talk about how you are going to manage each other from here on in....and manage yourselves when things don't go your way. xxx

squirrelchops

Zazen....a completer finisher......you been analysed by the Belbin team role models??!!!!

Ha ha i was never a completer finsiher either. Shaper!!! We had to use these within some groupwork at Uni this year!

I agree with your post. I think unfortunately I challenged him when he had just woken up and he snapped so I retaliated etc. I do need to pull my finger out but it is a hard habit to break!!

Zazen999

squirrelchops wrote: »

Zazen....a completer finisher......you been analysed by the Belbin team role models??!!!!

Ha ha i was never a completer finsiher either. Shaper!!! We had to use these within some groupwork at Uni this year!

I agree with your post. I think unfortunately I challenged him when he had just woken up and he snapped so I retaliated etc. I do need to pull my finger out but it is a hard habit to break!!

Many times chuck many times. I'm a Plant. The best bit was when I found out I WAS NOT a completer finisher, I went out and recruited one. Job done!!!

Pulling finger out - sorry - I can only do it when a deadline approaches. I just can't do it at any other time. It just does not happen. I am comfortable with that, even if nobody else is....it takes time to work out what is important in life and doing things early isn't. :rotfl:

Reds-on-Sea

omg, squirrelchops

I could've written this thread.
It really is so much more complicated than people first think.

I would say take a long look at what Jack tigger said:

jack*tigger wrote: »

Now I would say that EITHER he is right and he loves you and he is trying to get through your apathy and get you to take responsibility for yourself and your life.
OR he's a bully and is trying to demean and control you.

.

I spent a long time feeling like I did not live up to my OHs expectations/standards. It didn't help that early on in our relationship he kept going on about what high standards he had etc etc. I now realise he actually meant this as a compliment i.e. "I'm going out with you because I'm very picky etc etc and you're good enough"

But obviously, being a woman, I took everything the wrong way and constantly felt that he was assessing everything I did.

Until I met him, (this is gonna sound rubbish, but it's true and I think we're probably similar in this respect) I was always the best at everything. Then he comes along and he's better at some stuff. All of a sudden there's someone telling me how to do things. It was difficult for me, and what he may or may not have meant as "just being helpful" I always heard as "you're doing it all wrong you thicko"

I felt like he thought I was a lazy so-and-so if I was sitting down, he'd always seem to be saying I should be doing this or that. This went on for a while, he even told me how to improve my washing up. You can imagine what I thought of that. I was quite miserable for quite a while over a lot of things, and I cried a lot. I wondered whether we were meant to be together, or whether I'd ever be good enough. I felt like he sometimes spoke to me like a member of staff!!

I was confident in every single other aspect of my life except my home life, where I just lived in fear of another put down or sarcastic comment, or just generally feeling not good enough.

Anyway, getting to the point, I know now he really did mean everything with the best possible intention. The washing up thing was because I moaned about how tired I was at the end of the day and how I didn't get time to do everything I wanted after work, and so he told me to try washing up quicker.

Also (he doesn't do it any more bless him) but SO many misunderstandings about comments like "those trousers are a bit tight on you aren't they?" (a fact, they were) and "you really should get some exercise" (I should, it helps me sleep better) caused so much upset lol. I'm very un-confrontational and so would hold it in, not have an argument and go off and cry, not waiting to find out that he meant them with good intention. And he'd be left there totally flummoxed as to what just happened.

(I'm not fat btw)

It's all in the interpretation. My OH is a wonderful, intelligent, supportive man, but he's not always Mr Tact. He's very matter of fact, and won't see the problem in stating the truth, if it is indeed the truth. He also doesn't like spending his life explaining himself and everything he says (why should he need to, he should just be himself). I often felt like calling OH a bully, but really he isn't.

I'm not saying anyone should stay in an abusive relationship, if that's what it is. You sound like you love your OH, and your main problem is your communication. Try just stepping back from his comments for a few days, listening to what he says and not always being on the defensive.

There's a good chance he might just be trying to help, and if indeed you are a little bit of a procrastinator/last minuter/stresshead (just like me) he probably is trying to make YOUR life easier, but going about it the wrong way and getting frustrated, because the harder he tries, the worse you respond.

Talk to him and tell him to get off your case (use nicer words) as it makes it worse. Nagging doesn't get anyone anywhere, neither do wise cracks (half-job harry) tell him you find them hurtful and that they demotivate you. He needs to try to hold back sometimes, and then gradually you'll be happier and so will he.

xx

Zazen999

I have to say about the 'half job harry' ish comments....if you made them after a good hot session of loving - he might just think twice about saying them back to you.

Floss

Zazen999 wrote: »

I have to say about the 'half job harry' ish comments....if you made them after a good hot session of loving - he might just think twice about saying them back to you.

sneaky but potentially very effective! :rotfl::rotfl:

squirrelchops

Reds-on-sea we must be twins.

You have summed up EXACTLY how I see the relationship but in a less emotive manner than I am obviously feeling at present!

Thank you so very much I feel i can begin to look at things in perspective.

I suppose it just hurts to be criticised about my working stnadards when i know how hight and good they are!! Even in my little summer job it is bloody hard work though...I love it incidentally....and I would love him to have a go and then say I do eff all!!! I literally have about half hour break in 11 hours some days but that is cos i foten gt back to wrok early as i enjoy it so much but it really is full pelt from 7am!!