Is OH right I am lazy..or is he a bully? Feel sad.

Minxy_Bella

Oh I just love how women (mostly) can explain away their partner's abusive behaviour by seeing their point. Not.

I've been there and came out of it with the realisation that your partner is supposed to enhance your life - to make you feel good about yourself and love you, no matter what, despite your little foibles or character traits. If they're not doing that, then you have to ask yourself why not and if you can bear to live the rest of your live feeling inferior.

I'd venture that if you're upset enough to post about it on a forum or talk to RL friends then it's not something you can put up with long term.

(((HUGS))) OP - but please stop thinking of this situation as your fault. It's not. It's basic incompatibility - and it's up to HIM to stop putting you down, no matter how ruddy 'helpful' he thinks he's being (sorry but I get so cross at the arrogance of people who say that!)

xx

Primrose

It rather sounds to me as if a) your OH is a bit of a bully, and b) you have different expectations of how domestic household tasks should be accomplished.
Constant bullying is actually a form of verbal abuse and emotionally it can be just as damaging as physical abuse. If you are really feeling this low, I wonder whether a holiday with your OH is what you need. Perhaps some time apart would help you clarify whether you want to continue living your life in this manner as neither of you seem to be very happy with the other's habits. Constant bullying will eventually drain you of every last ounce of self-confidence you have.
Your weight problem is obviously an issue with both of you. If you're determined enough, you can deal with it, but do it privately and just cut down on portion sizes and the real big culprits which you know are causing you to put on weight.
But you're supposed to be working as a team. Sometimes in a relationship circumstances mean that one partner has to do more than their fair share and normally this should be done with goodwill on a 'swings and roundabouts' basis. It doesn't seem to be like this in your relationshyip. Are you really physically exhausted, or just a little bit lazy? If you don't like housework, try and declutter so that you have to do the minimum possible and can get away with it. Perhaps you've now been in this relationship long enough to see it as it really is, rather than how you imagined it would be, and your OH doesn't really sound lovely at all if he's bullying you in this way. Harsh criticism may be for your own good if it's deserved but there are ways of delivering it. The pair of you have got some serious talking to do. Perhaps you both under-estimated the workload and pressure doing this degree would place on your relationship, so it's time to work out how you can best continue it and move forward.

summerday

Hi OP,

Obviously you feel hurt right now, after a confrontation like that it feels horrible. It is good that you admitted that you too have taken some actions in the past that weren't the best ones. I think sometimes when people have a row, if someone throws something once then it can become almost 'normal' for it to happen in furture arguments as a precedent has been set. In the same way as when me and OH row often I try to storm out of the room/house although I know it is the worst thing to do, we need to discuss it, and now he does the same even though he hates me doing it!

It's great that you've been having conselling, it will boost your confidence and is already making you more aware of things. In time you will be able to be more assertive to your oh when he says things and when he sees that you reply confidently and are unaffected, he won't bother saying things. I'm not making excuses for him, but when people argue and feel very angry sometimes we do say cheap-shot nasty comments, I know I have and I'm always ashamed of saying them afterwards, whoever I said them to.

They say opposites attract and this sounds very much the case with you and OH- if you work together your personalities could complement each other well. Eg if he is so super organised perhaps he could write up a packing list for you and list all the holiday jobs to be done (and do some himself!).

If it's not too late, and if the holiday has been paid for already, I think you should try to go. You will have a change of scene to discuss what you're not happy about and positive ways to change things.

I_know_my_ABC_and_my_CMYK

Personally I wouldn't be going on the holiday with him, I would be packing my stuff and getting out of there whilst he is away. Next time it may not be something that he throws but you that he hits. He is just one step away from hitting you and you need to leave this relationship now, its destructive.

He may come home all different and nicer, and say he is sorry, but he has already proven to you that he will do it again. He is a bully and a control freak.

Please think carefully.

I'm sorry this is harsh but I've been where you are.

Pssst

Squirrelchops..i think you seriously need to think about ending this relationship.

It has run its course and is now damaging to both of you.

I would never ever speak to anyone like that least of all my OH.

bugsaboo

I have a different take on this .... when I had counselling the counsellor told me that sometimes you move out of your "role" in relationships (I mean familes, friends as well as men) and that other people find that threatening and can react badly.
I found this out when I had a massive row with my family while having counselling.
The counselling your having is probably affecting your relationship and in some way making OH feel threatened and therefore act differently. Like, if you've started sticking up for yourself when in the past you've have bitten your tongue or agreed, then he might percieve that as you being more argumentative?
I'm not condoning his behaviour, he does sound like he's being a complete idiot but maybe there is an explanation for it?
maybe show him this thread or speak more to your counsellor about this.

alwaysonthego_2

My dh used to be like your OH until I asked him to leave. I got so fed up of walking on egg shells scared to say something just incase I upset DH. It could be something innocent and he would fall out with me for days and call me a useless mother and person. There was so much I could cope with but the final straw was when I had an operation on my hand under a general and I felt ill afterwards. He complained her had to look after the girls and refused to make me a drink saying he was too busy - on his XBox.

After he left he took a good hard look at himself and realised that he wanted to change me and he was bullying me. We got back together and he has changed, more considerate and helpful and loving towards me, must have been the shock of losing me.

He was recently diagnosed with a brain tumour which was messing up with his hormones, so the GP thought his behaviour could be down to this. Thankfully he is well and had it removed and it wasn't cancer.

I just think that you should not put up with it, he is clearly immature.

grey_lady

Squirrelchops and Reds-on-sea - !!!!!!?

Dear me, just one example - if your other half sees you struggling after a days work to do the washing up and tells you to do it quicker - that doesnt make him a good guy !!!!!!!
a good guy HELPS wash up or, buys you a dishwasher!!!!!

Seriously, that's what a good guy does - or even if they just tell you that it doesnt matter and the dishes can stay where they are for the night.

Can i be bluntish? I really dont envy either of your relationships. There are guys out there that will treat you a lot better.

jellyhead

squirrelchops wrote: »

Anyway escalated into a row. He said that I needed to see a doctor as i am a 'slug who sits on her !!!! all the time'.

If you're always tired then maybe you should see a doctor to rule out various possible causes like anaemia, thyroid etc. all of which are easily treated and probably affect your concentration and procrastination.

I couldn't be happy with somebody who called me a slug though, even if his anger towards me was justified.

What would he think of that after he'd calmed down? Would he be horrified that he's said something so nasty to the person he is supposed to love? Or does he really think that sort of thing about you?

He may be trying to help, or think he is helping, but his language isn't pleasant and is hardly likely to encourage or inspire you.

yoni_one

Squirrelchops what do you think?

Is your other half right - are you lazy?????

Quotes:

I have flet so tired this week. I have a summer job as am a mature student and it it physical. I have had a lot of stuff to do last minute for our holiday and felt overwhelmed. I commented to OH that he could have put some washing on and that I had loads to do.

i work to a slower speed.

I do go to the gym regularly

Now i am much mroe likely to challenge him ...

i felt brave enough to say .Well I was a good manager'

I ama student as i said and yes I do procrastinate at times but I must be doing soemthing right to have got, out of 6 modules 4 A's and 2 B's at degree level eh??

surely it is comoon sense that things like cleaning the bathroom and changing bed linen are last minute jobs??/

expects others to meet his very high standards. i am like that in work hence like to kick back out of work

at work i am like super organised

I don't need him though for the money

my working stnadards when i know how hight and good they are!! Even in my little summer job it is bloody hard work though...I love it incidentally

I literally have about half hour break in 11 hours some days but that is cos i foten gt back to wrok early as i enjoy it so much but it really is full pelt from 7am!!




Or is your other half a bully?? (aka abuser)

Quotes:

I have in the past got stressed out about packing and he never lets me forget it.

He said that I needed to see a doctor as i am a 'slug who sits on her !!!! all the time'

i feel he keeps bullying me. I feel as if nothing I do is ever good enough. He says I am a 'half job harry' and never finsih a job i start but do about 3 things at once never finishing any. I feel he is constantly knocking me and I am always messing up.

For most of our relationship he has said I am overweight.

He comments everytime i eat and it is getting me down.

He said tonight 'you dont know how good you've got it'...... but it feels as if I have to behave a certain way to show my gratitude all the time.


He threw my vase and flowers onto our new wooden floor. The floor is marked. He went to work and i hobbled out with glass in my slippers. .... He will say how i 'made him do it'

Now i am much mroe likely to challenge him which is what I did tonight but with awful consequences.

He said 'I have no idea how you were ever a manager'.

... he wouldn't want to be 'stuck in a van around france with me'.

He said 'see only took me half hour...what's your problem with it'. ..... He is always doing that.

He jsut rang me back and said that 'I infuriated him as every time we go away i gt stressed and leave too much to the last minute'.

I think sometimes is he is too hard on me

I feel like I fail in his eyes all the time.

i think that recently he has finally begun to be vey vocal and less tolerant of my procrastinating ways.

I do think however he was waiting for me to have my ususal 'pre holiday stress' and found anything I said as an excuse to say 'oh here you !!!!!!! go again'

I suppose it just hurts to be criticised about my working stnadards when i know how hight and good they are!!


I just thought that breaking it down and summarising might help put some things in perspective.