Is OH right I am lazy..or is he a bully? Feel sad.

Pee

If someone is telling you you are fat and making comments about your weight and what you eat, they are trying to control you.

If your OH does not love you as you are, then please take that escape route now. I don't think that you have children with him - and if you did, then yes, I would be suggesting more caution, Relate etc - but if you don't, then please, do not accept this behaviour. If it carries on you will not be brave enough to stand up to him and you will not be brave enough to stand up to anyone else. You deserve better than that. You do not deserve someone who undermines your confidence or tries to change you.

You are doing him a favour by packing to go on holiday. He should be grateful.

It doesn't sound like this is just the stress of going on holiday, but could it be the stress of working with difficult people? If this is a change that has come about, maybe some time to talk and Relate would be an option... However someone who turned against me in a time of stress and damaged property and blamed me would not be someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and certainly not someone I would choose to have children with.

Mrs_P_Pincher

If you were the One it wouldn't matter about your 'annoying' ways, your excess weight or anything else. I drive Mr P mad sometimes and I'm 1.5 stone overweight and approach life in a completely different way to him, but he doesn't resort to verbal abuse or violence. This man is clearly a bully and beginning to become violent. Today it's a vase of flowers - tomorrow it could be you.

Think very carefully about your future. There is someone out there who would love you for what you are and with this one, even if you were slim, on the ball and all the things he apparently wants you to be, you would still be his victim.

You do not need to see a doctor - there is nothing wrong with you...

Good luck

Mrs P P

Reds-on-Sea

grey_lady wrote: »

Squirrelchops and Reds-on-sea - !!!!!!?

Dear me, just one example - if your other half sees you struggling after a days work to do the washing up and tells you to do it quicker - that doesnt make him a good guy !!!!!!!
a good guy HELPS wash up or, buys you a dishwasher!!!!!

Seriously, that's what a good guy does - or even if they just tell you that it doesnt matter and the dishes can stay where they are for the night.

Can i be bluntish? I really dont envy either of your relationships. There are guys out there that will treat you a lot better.

he didn't tell me to do it quicker, he suggested a different way of doing it that might save me time. We both share the housework 50:50 he does all the cooking and hoovering & I wash up. I actually don't mind washing up, it just takes so long!

I know my OH is only thinking of me, and only want the best of me. He believes in a bit of tough love where it's necessary. Yes for a while it got a little out of hand, but we talked and sorted it out - and most importantly, I know the thinking behind it all.

If I was 3 stone overweight for example, I wouldn't expect my OH to "accept it" there are limits! I'd WANT and expect him to encourage me (by any means) to lose the weight - even if it was hard and hurtful at times - for MY benefit. If he just sat there watching me get fat not doing anything, how would that be him looking out for me & taking care of me?

Yes obviously I take responsibility for myself, but I might not be perfect at everything, in which case, I accept help when I need it.

Minxy_Bella

Reds-on-Sea wrote: »

he didn't tell me to do it quicker, he suggested a different way of doing it that might save me time. We both share the housework 50:50 he does all the cooking and hoovering & I wash up. I actually don't mind washing up, it just takes so long!

I know my OH is only thinking of me, and only want the best of me. He believes in a bit of tough love where it's necessary. Yes for a while it got a little out of hand, but we talked and sorted it out - and most importantly, I know the thinking behind it all.

If I was 3 stone overweight for example, I wouldn't expect my OH to "accept it" there are limits! I'd WANT and expect him to encourage me (by any means) to lose the weight - even if it was hard and hurtful at times - for MY benefit. If he just sat there watching me get fat not doing anything, how would that be him looking out for me & taking care of me?

Yes obviously I take responsibility for myself, but I might not be perfect at everything, in which case, I accept help when I need it.

'Tough love' is a term I would associate with a parent's approach to a naughty child...

Sorry, hun but you sound like a Stepford Wife. If that's your choice, fine but please don't expect the rest of us to behave ourselves like good little girls! :eek:

jellyhead

I'd hate to be a child born into a relationship where a parent speaks to the people they are supposed to love in such a way though I dread to think what words would be used against a 2 year old who didn't get to the toilet on time, a 4 year old who wasn't doing well at school etc.

SUESMITH_2

im sorry but he sounds awful, and you are allowing him to be awful to you by going along with him and condoning his behaviour

my oh would never speak to me like that, or vice versa - we have been together 24 years, not always easy but we have always known that the one place you can be yourself is at home, not worrying if it takes you one hour or three to wash up, why does it matter? not caring if we get fatter or thinner, just being happy in your own skin

thank god i dont live with your delightful other half!

Pee

Do you feel that he looks after you or cares for you in any way - apart from keeping a careful eye on your weight which seems to be about two ounces more than perfect?

Part of being in a relationship is learning from one another - and I guess that includes washing up - but are you both learning from one another or is it all about him being perfect and training you to be the same?

If he really was perfect, I think he'd have a little more patience.

If you feel that he has your best interests at heart, then great, you know more about the situation that we can know from reading your posts. The trouble is I don't think you really think he is treating you properly, or you wouldn't have posted.

If you are scared to stand up to someone, they are not the person for you.

Agutka

I'd like to point out that I AM very lazy and my OH never bullies me for it. I do much less than the OP and never get called names or have stuff thrown at me. So which OH is more well-meaning

Skintslimmer

I'm glad others have said what I am about to. It is blunt but to the point.

Leave. Run away. Run away NOW.

It isn't going to get any better. His behaviour is unacceptable. You are worth FAR MORE than that.

Any

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm quite sure that I'm going to get jumped on here but felt that what I had to say might just be of use or value to the OP.

It is perfectly clear that there is right and wrong on both sides in the row currently going on. Firstly, there is no suggestion whatever that the vase of flowers was thrown AT squirrelchops - it was instead hurled to the floor, a vastly different thing. How many of us can truthfully say that in a temper we have never chucked a plate or given the door an almighty slam? Does that automatically make us all probable wife beaters or abusers of the weak?

If the OP has got money of her own, and it is available to spend, why is her hubby working a lot of hours in a job he loathes and paying "all the bills" by himself? Would it not be more fair for the OP to be contributing an equal share and relieving him of what he perhaps sees as an unrelenting burden? Does the OP say or imply to him "I don't need your money"? Would some of that money be more wisely spent on a few hours help in the house, if it would relieve some of the tension?

Might some of the OP's tiredness be due to the extra weight she says herself that she is carrying? Can something be done about that and if so, would it help with her self esteem? Does her hubby spend time listening and sympathising with her lamenting her weight, dress size etc but then watch her continue to over-indulge?

Is it the case that OP is failing (or disinclined) to help herself and that her hubby's tolerance has reached an end. Has he been patient and encouraging up to now but sees no attempted or real improvement whatever and is just terrified that this is his lot in life forever? Is he just so incredibly frustrated by the rut the pair of you seem to be stuck in that he can find no other way but loud and to-the-point criticism to try and get it through to you?

So far as whether someone is lazy or not, the number and quality of the scholastic qualifications is totally irrelevant. You could have 25 A levels and five degrees but that cannot confer common-sense, or kindness, or any other valuable human trait. The most brilliant man I ever met was a veterinary medicine pioneer, at the forefront of research and science, a world leader in his field. However, I cannot count the number of times he walked into the disinfectant footbaths in his shoes, being way too intelligent to notice the wellies placed there for his use!

Given the number of comments made by squirrelchops herself which give an inkling of her character weaknesses (quote: "I am a bit of a nightmare sometimes") I suspect that her hubby is far from being the bully or abuser he has been assumed to be - could it be that he is simply incredibly frustrated and enraged at her way of going on, which he sees as mucking about, pretending to be helpless or fiddling while Rome burns? My hubby does this to me on a regular basis and I can't tell you how close I have so many times come to belting him round the ear with a fence post!

I strongly suspect that at the root of the problem is not lack of love between this couple but squirrelchop's lack of self-esteem. I don't think it odd that the word apathy has come up several times during this thread. Only squirrelchops can recognise, address and deal with those issues.

I'm sorry that you are feeling low. I hope you have, in fact, relented and gone off on this holiday and that it turns out to have been a good use of time and that the two of you have the chance to relax and talk to one another about the really important issues that need to be resolved between you. Good luck.

Thank you - I thought it's just me that feels that this story has other side!!

For some other posters - if you are so tired (while doing b**** all all day while at UNI) so that you cannot do washing up and expect your partner who works his bum off so you can go to UNI in the first place and you are expecting HIM to do the washing up then you are spoiled princess. And that is what I get from the OP. Not that the partner is doing nothing and expecting the OP to do all the work.

BUT we don't know the complete story. Everyone jumped into "bully" story while it might as well be that he feels like a slave??

From the way he is getting angry now I suggest to move away. He should have not said many of the things he did - I suspect he is extremely frustrated.

This couple is absolutely incompatible. It cannot end well.

Sorry