Is OH right I am lazy..or is he a bully? Feel sad.

the_rottweiler

This man is a bully, he is trying to control you by chipping at your self esteem. he is scared of you being in control of your own life. Pease do not allow him to take your personality away.

I was married to a man who was a verbal bully, I was called fat and lazy 16 hours after giving birth to my 2nd child in a year.
I had no self esteem because it had been whittled away by nasty comments.
I returned to work when ds2 was 3 months old and the old me gradually returned, I lost the baby weight (about 2 stone) and gave myself a makeover, I was then accused of affairs.
I started to put a bit of cash aside per month as a cushion for when I left with the kids, (I knew I would have to stop work as I worked shifts)
Then I found out he was the one having an affair (with my friend) and by this time I was confident enough to know I would cope and put his clothes outside and told her to get them, I had lthought s0d it, why should I uproot my life AND kids cos of him and stayed in the house.

I am now in a happy relationship, and he is lovely, even though I cannot contemplate living with someone again

emmajane29

He sounds like a control freak hun,my ex was the same and would do most of the things you mention to control me,i was so unhappy all the time and what made it harder was we had a beautiful daughter together witnessing all the goings on ,but i managed to be brave and walk away from it all, it was best thing i ever did , as ive never been so happyier than iam to day and i have a lovely husband now who i have been with for 11 years now,he has never treated me bad or tired to control me ,

jenhug

Run for it while you still can. He sounds such a delight.

RootyTooty_2

SquirrelChops

I have to say that your OH sounds like a complete controlling bully.

Look at these threads, and ask yourself if you want to live like that. This poor poster has suffered years of this sort of behaviour:

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1741115

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1580793

Seems she has tied herself in knots trying to work things out.

jenhug

Just wanted to add, even if you are lazy (which you really are NOT) That is your right!

paddy's_mum

I'm quite sure that I'm going to get jumped on here but felt that what I had to say might just be of use or value to the OP.

It is perfectly clear that there is right and wrong on both sides in the row currently going on. Firstly, there is no suggestion whatever that the vase of flowers was thrown AT squirrelchops - it was instead hurled to the floor, a vastly different thing. How many of us can truthfully say that in a temper we have never chucked a plate or given the door an almighty slam? Does that automatically make us all probable wife beaters or abusers of the weak?

If the OP has got money of her own, and it is available to spend, why is her hubby working a lot of hours in a job he loathes and paying "all the bills" by himself? Would it not be more fair for the OP to be contributing an equal share and relieving him of what he perhaps sees as an unrelenting burden? Does the OP say or imply to him "I don't need your money"? Would some of that money be more wisely spent on a few hours help in the house, if it would relieve some of the tension?

Might some of the OP's tiredness be due to the extra weight she says herself that she is carrying? Can something be done about that and if so, would it help with her self esteem? Does her hubby spend time listening and sympathising with her lamenting her weight, dress size etc but then watch her continue to over-indulge?

Is it the case that OP is failing (or disinclined) to help herself and that her hubby's tolerance has reached an end. Has he been patient and encouraging up to now but sees no attempted or real improvement whatever and is just terrified that this is his lot in life forever? Is he just so incredibly frustrated by the rut the pair of you seem to be stuck in that he can find no other way but loud and to-the-point criticism to try and get it through to you?

So far as whether someone is lazy or not, the number and quality of the scholastic qualifications is totally irrelevant. You could have 25 A levels and five degrees but that cannot confer common-sense, or kindness, or any other valuable human trait. The most brilliant man I ever met was a veterinary medicine pioneer, at the forefront of research and science, a world leader in his field. However, I cannot count the number of times he walked into the disinfectant footbaths in his shoes, being way too intelligent to notice the wellies placed there for his use!

Given the number of comments made by squirrelchops herself which give an inkling of her character weaknesses (quote: "I am a bit of a nightmare sometimes") I suspect that her hubby is far from being the bully or abuser he has been assumed to be - could it be that he is simply incredibly frustrated and enraged at her way of going on, which he sees as mucking about, pretending to be helpless or fiddling while Rome burns? My hubby does this to me on a regular basis and I can't tell you how close I have so many times come to belting him round the ear with a fence post!

I strongly suspect that at the root of the problem is not lack of love between this couple but squirrelchop's lack of self-esteem. I don't think it odd that the word apathy has come up several times during this thread. Only squirrelchops can recognise, address and deal with those issues.

I'm sorry that you are feeling low. I hope you have, in fact, relented and gone off on this holiday and that it turns out to have been a good use of time and that the two of you have the chance to relax and talk to one another about the really important issues that need to be resolved between you. Good luck.

belfastgirl23

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm quite sure that I'm going to get jumped on here but felt that what I had to say might just be of use or value to the OP.

It is perfectly clear that there is right and wrong on both sides in the row currently going on. Firstly, there is no suggestion whatever that the vase of flowers was thrown AT squirrelchops - it was instead hurled to the floor, a vastly different thing. How many of us can truthfully say that in a temper we have never chucked a plate or given the door an almighty slam? Does that automatically make us all probable wife beaters or abusers of the weak?

If the OP has got money of her own, and it is available to spend, why is her hubby working a lot of hours in a job he loathes and paying "all the bills" by himself? Would it not be more fair for the OP to be contributing an equal share and relieving him of what he perhaps sees as an unrelenting burden? Does the OP say or imply to him "I don't need your money"? Would some of that money be more wisely spent on a few hours help in the house, if it would relieve some of the tension?

Might some of the OP's tiredness be due to the extra weight she says herself that she is carrying? Can something be done about that and if so, would it help with her self esteem? Does her hubby spend time listening and sympathising with her lamenting her weight, dress size etc but then watch her continue to over-indulge?

Is it the case that OP is failing (or disinclined) to help herself and that her hubby's tolerance has reached an end. Has he been patient and encouraging up to now but sees no attempted or real improvement whatever and is just terrified that this is his lot in life forever? Is he just so incredibly frustrated by the rut the pair of you seem to be stuck in that he can find no other way but loud and to-the-point criticism to try and get it through to you?

So far as whether someone is lazy or not, the number and quality of the scholastic qualifications is totally irrelevant. You could have 25 A levels and five degrees but that cannot confer common-sense, or kindness, or any other valuable human trait. The most brilliant man I ever met was a veterinary medicine pioneer, at the forefront of research and science, a world leader in his field. However, I cannot count the number of times he walked into the disinfectant footbaths in his shoes, being way too intelligent to notice the wellies placed there for his use!

Given the number of comments made by squirrelchops herself which give an inkling of her character weaknesses (quote: "I am a bit of a nightmare sometimes") I suspect that her hubby is far from being the bully or abuser he has been assumed to be - could it be that he is simply incredibly frustrated and enraged at her way of going on, which he sees as mucking about, pretending to be helpless or fiddling while Rome burns? My hubby does this to me on a regular basis and I can't tell you how close I have so many times come to belting him round the ear with a fence post!

I strongly suspect that at the root of the problem is not lack of love between this couple but squirrelchop's lack of self-esteem. I don't think it odd that the word apathy has come up several times during this thread. Only squirrelchops can recognise, address and deal with those issues.

I'm sorry that you are feeling low. I hope you have, in fact, relented and gone off on this holiday and that it turns out to have been a good use of time and that the two of you have the chance to relax and talk to one another about the really important issues that need to be resolved between you. Good luck.

I did wonder about a lot of this too since some of the rows sounded familiar to me from my own life. And I know poor old DH eventually after listening to me complaining about something forever will lose his rag and tell me to for gods sakes do something about it. There are also flashpoints in any relationship and just before going on hols is also one of those for us. i'm running about like a blue ** fly changing bedclothes and putting bleach down the loos and DH does really truly think I'm bonkers. But it's how I have to have things.

Everyone else could be right, it could be bullying. But only the OP knows the truth I can also see how there could be a different complexion to put on it.

RadoJo

Squirrel, I hope that reading this thread helps clarify your thoughts - with opinion relatively divided on your original question, hopefully your gut feeling is now being drawn to the option which fits best. It's obvious to me that everyone here has the absolute best intentions, but only you know how things really are for you, so hopefully some of the stories people have shared and the suggestions they have offered can clarify your feelings and give you an opportunity to get things straight in your head.
What is clear is that things can't carry on as they are - personally it sounds to me as though compromise could be a solution, as you recognise that there is fault on both sides. A good start would be to explain to your OH that his way of criticising makes you feel unmotivated and less keen to take action yourself - if he's just a bully, then I wouldn't imagine he cares, but if he is just frustrated that he can't help you, then it should open up a conversation.
And it always helps to imagine what you would advise a friend in this situation - if you knew someone in your situation, would you tell them to leave immediately, or be more inclined to agree that they could make things easier with a few changes on both sides?

pinkshoes

Squirrel, you've probably gone on holiday, but could you state why you love this guy, and what are the positive things about him, and why are you attracted to him?

squirrelchops

Hi all,
i dont have time for a long reply as yes, we are going on holiday.

suffice to say last night we had a talk about everything and it seems clearer now.

Paddy's mum has summed up very well the situation in a balanced way.

I thank you all for your replies. It is hard to hear how other people feel on the matter. I too have always been of the 'walk away' gang when I read threads similar to mine BUT have also realised that is is very easy to cast judgement based on 1 persons side of the story.

I should imagine that if my OH wrote an account of me after some of my exploits you would all be 'dump her'!!!!!

There does need to be some changes and I feel confident we can work it through fine.
As my good friend said...and what I use as my motto in life.....life is all about finding balance'.

I spoke to 2 of my closest friends last night and that helped to clarify matters too in my head.

Again thank you all for your support in my moment of crisis.