Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

SUESMITH_2

sounds just like the problems i had with my dad - he was the cleanest person in the world but as he got older he gave up washing, changing his clothes and because he had problems with his lungs and couldnt walk far started to pee in a bucket - in the kitchen, on carpet - add to the fact that he smoked v heavily until his lungs gave up and the smell..........i used to have to change and shower when i got in.

i have 3 sisters, one of which although she lived within 5 minutes of him never went at all, the other one did go occasionally. i live 70 odd miles away and visited and had him to stay, in fact the one who did most lived 40 miles away but the two closest did naff all.

i will never forgive my sister for doing nothing and the fact that at christmas her husband laughed at his efforts to walk and breathe - in fact i am making efforts to never see her again - for years i bit my tongue and said nothing because it would upset my dad but now he's gone i just dont care

MrsE_2

Mum mum was so low a few months ago I thought she was near the end.

She was constantly falling as well & when she fell she never remembered to use her neck pendent.

I think she was passing out from not eating?

I thought with all the changes & then the womanly treats she would improve.
She has to a certain extent, but I don't think she will improve anymore.

MrsE_2

SUESMITH wrote: »

sounds just like the problems i had with my dad - he was the cleanest person in the world but as he got older he gave up washing, changing his clothes and because he had problems with his lungs and couldnt walk far started to pee in a bucket - in the kitchen, on carpet - add to the fact that he smoked v heavily until his lungs gave up and the smell..........i used to have to change and shower when i got in.

i have 3 sisters, one of which although she lived within 5 minutes of him never went at all, the other one did go occasionally. i live 70 odd miles away and visited and had him to stay, in fact the one who did most lived 40 miles away but the two closest did naff all.

i will never forgive my sister for doing nothing and the fact that at christmas her husband laughed at his efforts to walk and breathe - in fact i am making efforts to never see her again - for years i bit my tongue and said nothing because it would upset my dad but now he's gone i just dont care

Sometimes being related means nothing

I will never speak to my sister again, shes just not a nice person. Shes a liar & a thief who hides behind a charming mask.

cookie54

Being a care worker myself a couple of things spring to mind

does she have enough time to have a clean and do the other thing that need doing in the given time at her SPEED

Does she want her breakfast first then wash as some of our ladies want a cup of tea.

Does the visit clash with anything

If you mum refuses a wash do the girls stay for the allocated time or do they rush off as we have had cases of it becoming common knowledge that someone wont want something and therefore making it a quick call and therefore being less presusive (sp) then others

SUESMITH_2

MrsE wrote: »

Sometimes being related means nothing

I will never speak to my sister again, shes just not a nice person. Shes a liar & a thief who hides behind a charming mask.

thanks for that and understanding, other people have said that blood is thicker than water and you should alwayd make an effort as family is family - im sorry, she and her brain dead husband see it as i sign of weakness

anyhow, we could never get my dad to wash, and we did try. he used to always wear the same grotty sweatshirts and jogging bottoms and horrid coat

after he died we found so many lovely things mainly from m and s with tags still on

MrsE_2

cookie54 wrote: »

Being a care worker myself a couple of things spring to mind

does she have enough time to have a clean and do the other thing that need doing in the given time at her SPEED

Does she want her breakfast first then wash as some of our ladies want a cup of tea.

Does the visit clash with anything

If you mum refuses a wash do the girls stay for the allocated time or do they rush off as we have had cases of it becoming common knowledge that someone wont want something and therefore making it a quick call and therefore being less presusive (sp) then others

She has half an hour, not long but just enough time.

My mother doesn't care if food is put in front of her, so long as she has a fag she is happy.

They make her a coffee & a slice of toast but she would be as happy having nothing.

I think they stay when she refuses a shower, they are all really nice whay I've met of them.

MrsE_2

SUESMITH wrote: »

thanks for that and understanding, other people have said that blood is thicker than water and you should alwayd make an effort as family is family - im sorry, she and her brain dead husband see it as i sign of weakness

anyhow, we could never get my dad to wash, and we did try. he used to always wear the same grotty sweatshirts and jogging bottoms and horrid coat

after he died we found so many lovely things mainly from m and s with tags still on

Believe me Sue, I understand.

I buy my mum nice bits from M&S, velour bottoms (soft & comfortable), but yesterday when I picked her up she had dirty clothes, a dirty coat, her slippers on, tomato soup from Saturday all over her face & smelling so bad the doctor opened her window:o

Amber_Sunshine

MrsE wrote: »

My granny (RIP) was the cleanest woman I knew, with no bathroom & only a cold tap & water she had to boil herself on the range (aga).

Now I have an image of granny sitting in a tin bath on the Aga merrily scrubbing herself :rotfl:

Mister_aaa

I had a similar problem with my mom.

She always seemed reluctant to go in the bathroom.

Back in march she had an episode and was hospitalised with hypothermia after going out of the house in her nightdress at 6am one sunday morning. She said that someone had told her to go and wait for the ambulance as it would take less time to get her in if she was outside

After finding out she was hearing voices, she told me that one of them had said that he was watching her in the bathroom and taking photos of her, this was the reason why she wouldnt go in there.

After she got her medication for the voices she was a lot better.

There are many reasons for people to act the way they do, not all of them obvious.

I miss her she passed away two months ago.

churchrat

hi
just read this, but not all of it (sorry!)
. So I'm sorry if this has already been said. Didn't want to read and run so thought I would offer my opinion, for what its worth

How would you feel about not doing anything for your mum?? just phone soc services(whichever depts are involved with her at the moment) and say that you are not going to do anything else?
I have worked in healthcare (although mainly discharge planning) and tbh if a family member said that they would look after the relative then we would let them. Most of the time I don't think the families really knew what they had let themselves in for, and by the time they realised they did not know how to "step back" and get help.
This was a few yrs ago, and I think it is even harder to get help now, but your mum is already in secure accomodation, and they would not let her just lie there for months without checking on her.
It is obviuos to you that she has mental health problems (whatever the cause) but perhaps she needs to be assessed as being "on her own" to really get the help she needs. For example--how would she get to the hospital appointments if you did not arrange it? I don't mean that you just didn't take her, I mean NOT take any involvment in it at all? Getting to hospital on time is really quite difficult if you chop it up into its peices--could she manage it?
She will not come to any serious harm from being a bit smelly, and it sounds as tho you have worked hard enough without the support she really needs. Try standing back--you can always go when she has more help
good luck
churchrat