Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

Bogof_Babe

Does she have a telephone? Even if your sisters would ring her once a day, that is a form of interaction.

I bet you're going to say either she refuses to have one, or she refuses to answer it.

Maybe you should ask the doctor she saw if you could have a private consultation. As you were in the room with your mum, I doubt they would play the patient confidentiality card, especially as it is for your mum's own good. There may be strings that can be pulled to get her some psychiatric help, whether she agrees to it or not. I think you will have to take the matter out of her hands, as she has had many chances to pull herself together and not made any effort to.

zzzLazyDaisy

Aww shucks, you're welcome - what are friends for?

Pee

Do you want me to say that you deserve a break? You do. Don't think about her for a few weeks, and then see what you feel like then.

Do you have any children? Could they do anything to help?

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Does she have a telephone? Even if your sisters would ring her once a day, that is a form of interaction.

I bet you're going to say either she refuses to have one, or she refuses to answer it.

Maybe you should ask the doctor she saw if you could have a private consultation. As you were in the room with your mum, I doubt they would play the patient confidentiality card, especially as it is for your mum's own good. There may be strings that can be pulled to get her some psychiatric help, whether she agrees to it or not. I think you will have to take the matter out of her hands, as she has had many chances to pull herself together and not made any effort to.

She does have a phone. She doesn't really like talking on the phone, always tries to get you off if you are talking on the phone (I think its because phones were for emergency chats in her day, not talking).

If people refuse help & don't want to know there is only so much outside agencies can do.
My mum wants her three daughters doing everything for her & doesn't want outsiders involved.
Her hygiene pushes us away:o
The family is too fractured now to get together again. They have used this to distance themselves from helping out.
I had a row with little sister before I found out about all the money (but I think she engineered it to get me out of the picture to get free access to mums bank account, as previously I had help her with this too). When I first stopped talking to little sister mum stopped talking to me as well:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
The row then was over my mum. Her car got damaged (children & stones) outside my house & my sister had a right go at me, TBH I think she was looking for an excuse.
I invited my mum to my home for dinner to try & forge a relationship again after her not talking to me for 6 months.
She felt ill & was taken to hospital & by default I had to talk to my sister again.
When my mum was being released from hospital she wanted me to move my daughter out (said she could stay with her) & move my mum in (my mum was smelly then, no one wanted her living in their homes). Apart from the fact that I wouldn't dream of moving my daughter out my younger sister lives in a flat with the bathroom all on the level & has a spare bed. My older sister had a spare bedroom & a downstairs loo & a upstairs bathroom.
Well because I wouldn't move DD out & mum in she went mad again (they didn't want to take her in). So she dumped her back at A&E & went on holiday.
Then I found out about the theft of the money (thousands not hundreds) by accident & WW3 erupted again:rolleyes:

MrsE_2

Pee wrote: »

Do you want me to say that you deserve a break? You do. Don't think about her for a few weeks, and then see what you feel like then.

Do you have any children? Could they do anything to help?

My DD is the ONLY grandchild of five that go near her.

margaretclare

lizziem wrote: »

That is sad. At the end of the day, she is your mum. She did the same for you when you were a baby. I have some idea of how bad it is, my mum is ill and recently I had to help her with various things while she was in hospital. It was not easy but I did it because she is my mum and I love her.

I agree with some others here. I think the family needs to meet up, all 3 sisters and your mum, and work out a fair division of labour. Your mum brought you all up and looked after you, and now she needs help herself. If all three of you help and visit regularly it will improve her quality of life.

No, I'm afraid it's quite different. Looking after a baby, night feeds, nappies, all of that is completely different from doing intimate things for an adult who is abusive, unco-operative and just wants to be allowed to go on smoking and being filthy in her habits. You can't deal with an adult in the same way that you would with a baby or a toddler!

It seems to me that some older people do their best to kill whatever love you have for them.

I think if I was you I would step back. You have a busy life without all of this. There is no reason why she can't tell you what she wants over the phone if you are kind enough to offer to do her shopping. I think I would stop buying the cigarettes!!! And DON'T cut her toenails! That's something that not even a qualified nurse would do. I was told not to do it when I was a District Nurse some years ago. It's NOT your job. You can cause damage and get blamed for it.

Well, she still has enough personal pride to want her hair coloured!! Amazing. Poor hairdressers, carers, all the rest of them, having to go into such conditions. But I think you have done enough and should step back a bit.

I'm always being told I'm a hard b**ch and don't understand 'what it's like being poor, alone, elderly, disabled' - well, if I don't understand then so be it.

MrsE_2

margaretclare wrote: »

Well, she still has enough personal pride to want her hair coloured!! Amazing. Poor hairdressers, carers, all the rest of them, having to go into such conditions. But I think you have done enough and should step back a bit.

Strange isn't it?
Its the only part of her she wants washed.
Won't shower, but wants her hair washed

Bogof_Babe

I think you are bang on there MargaretClare. I'd missed the points about the hair and the toe-nails. Her hairdresser must be a saint. Also she is entitled to free chiropody if she's housebound, although it might take a while to get it sorted out. My mum got her toenails cut free but I had to take her to the clinic as she wasn't considered housebound, having someone to transport her.

I really think MrsE's mum needs to be taken into care for her own good. Does she want to be left to die in squalor all alone? Because maybe she needs to be told that that's what will happen if she doesn't pull herself together.

margaretclare

She doesn't really like talking on the phone, always tries to get you off if you are talking on the phone (I think its because phones were for emergency chats in her day, not talking).

No, this is rubbish. We're talking the 1950s, not the 1900s.

Bogof_Babe

How's her eyesight and hearing? Deafness can be very isolating, and bad eyesight can make you nervous about tripping and falling.

Just fishing round for any possible explanation for the way she is.

I assume she is widowed? Did she change when she lost her husband?