Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

MrsE_2

My (elderly) mothers hygiene is awful. She WON'T shower/bathe.

She smokes like a chimney & suffers incontinence:eek: She smokes continually while I am there.

She stinks to high heaven.

She has carers going in three times a day (breakfast, lunch & dinner) because if they didn't put food in front of her she wouldn't bother to eat & then she starts fainting & falling.

I put a note in the carers handbook about a hospital appointment I was taking her to today & said she MUST shower on Wednesday morning (they are supposed to help her shower on Mon, wed & Fri mornings - but she refuses).
I rang her this morning to remind her.

When I picked her up she stunk, she hasn't showered for over 2 weeks now (I think she went for about a year or so till I took her in hand a bit).

I was so embarrassed, the consultant opened his window. My 1 year old car still smells of her, I have the windows open & its on the drive now.

I was so annoyed I dropped her home & walked out.

I admit I'm very queasy & personal hygiene is a real bug bear with me, I can't cope with others nasty personal habits.

To cap it all I have two sisters who live in the same town as her (one works part time one full time). One visits every few months, the other every few weeks for half an hour.

I do all her shopping & appointments & everything.

I work full time & live 9 miles away & work another 7 miles away, so if I have to pop around after work it 16 miles from work to her house.

She won't even give me her shopping list over the phone (too idle to do one) I have to drive there, check her cupboards then go off & shop, then bring it back & unpack it for her. She always moans about how long it takes me too!!!!! First thing she says when I walk in with her shopping is not thank-you, but "you were a long time":rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

I texed one of my sisters today saying they could take three months each looking after her & I will take over again in 6 months.

Marcheline

Hi, it's a tricky one, especially when you have 2 siblings who you think don't do as much as they could for her. I think this is a habit that quite a few older people have, some just do not like the water and I can understand it really: someone stripping you and cleaning you is not nice, I'd be thinking just leave me alone too probably!

BUT, you are not alone: my aunt cares full time for my grandad (he's over 90) and left to his own devices he would not bathe or shave either. In fact, in often takes 2 people to get him into the bath and my aunt has suffered black eyes from him over bathing (he was never a violent man while they were growing up, but he has dementia and doesn't know who she is) She tries to wash him once a week however.

With your mother, it's slightly different as you say the carers are supposed to do it. I think try working on getting her to shower at least once a week (3 times may be too much to bear the thought of for her) and speak to the carers about how you expect her to be showered once a week. It may be of course that your mother doesn't want to be stripped bare in front of the carers, so if you ask her and this is the case, could you or your siblings maybe arrange a rolling rota of doing it once a week each?

If it was my mum, I wouldn't want a stranger to wash her anyway, but I totally realise that your cicumstances might not allow you do commit to this or that your mother is a different kettle of fish to mine!! Good luck with it.

xxdeebeexx

You sound at the end of your tether. it's really difficult caring for elderly parents. I've got no suggestion for the hygiene issue except maybe you could get some cheap car seat covers that can be washed. When my mum was incontenent and travelled in my car I put a couple of towels under her. Luckily my mum and I laughed about it so I didn't have to be descreet.

I wonder if you could tempt her to shower and change into fresh clothes by offering to take her to the supermarket. A break from boredom may chivvy her up.

It's difficult to get elderly people out of this downward spiral....maybe she simply doesn't feel well. You have my sympathy.

Dx

lizziem_2

Hi MrsE

I am no expert, but didn't want to read and run. First I wanted to say this must be hard for you and your mum so hugs to you both.

Maybe she does not shower because she finds it embarassing? Some people would find it shaming that they needed help with personal things like cleaning themselves, whether the help was from their own daughter or complete strangers, and one response to feeling ashamed is to avoid the thing which shames you, if others react to this with frustration it can make you more resistant. I can see how it would make her feel bad to be dependent on her daughter and even worse that her daughter feels disgusted at her personal hygiene. Or maybe she has some other problem, perhaps she finds it hard to bend or reach various places? Is her bath/shower adapted so she can get in and out and is she comfortable in there? Are there any products she needs that could make it easier?

Does she have any interests to occupy her time? If she is sitting and waiting for you to return with the shopping, I can see how she might perceive that you take a long time. Would it be possible to take her shopping with you? It would get her out of the house at least and you could chat and maybe have coffee together while out.

It seems to me your mum has lost interest in looking/smelling nice. Maybe this is because she does not think there is anything she needs to look nice for. If she had an interest or reason to look nice maybe that would motivate her to be clean. Even going to the library would be good, they usually have Over 60s classes where people can meet and an activity is arranged, or maybe there are other things in the local area for older people run by charities or community groups.

Good luck

MrsE_2

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

You sound at the end of your tether. it's really difficult caring for elderly parents. I've got no suggestion for the hygiene issue except maybe you could get some cheap car seat covers that can be washed. When my mum was incontinent and travelled in my car I put a couple of towels under her. Luckily my mum and I laughed about it so I didn't have to be descreet.

I wonder if you could tempt her to shower and change into fresh clothes by offering to take her to the supermarket. A break from boredom may chivvy her up.

It's difficult to get elderly people out of this downward spiral....maybe she simply doesn't feel well. You have my sympathy.

Dx

Its not just the incontinence, its like an ingrained smell on her & in her home. If I visit during the week & my husband doesn't know he smells it on me when I walk in.
She smells like an old bon-fire, its a Smokey, sweet, sticky, stale smell & it clings to clothes & hair, even if I don't sit down when I'm there.

She doesn't want to go out, so I can't use that as a bribe.

When I said it to her (before I walked out) when we got back & I told her the reason my sisters rarely visit & won't have her in their cars or homes is because she smells so bad, her answer was "I don't ask anyone to take me anywhere".

MrsE_2

lizziem wrote: »

Hi MrsE

I am no expert, but didn't want to read and run. First I wanted to say this must be hard for you and your mum so hugs to you both.

Maybe she does not shower because she finds it embarassing? Some people would find it shaming that they needed help with personal things like cleaning themselves, whether the help was from their own daughter or complete strangers, and one response to feeling ashamed is to avoid the thing which shames you, if others react to this with frustration it can make you more resistant. I can see how it would make her feel bad to be dependent on her daughter and even worse that her daughter feels disgusted at her personal hygiene. Or maybe she has some other problem, perhaps she finds it hard to bend or reach various places? Is her bath/shower adapted so she can get in and out and is she comfortable in there? Are there any products she needs that could make it easier?

To be honest, shes always been a bit whiffy:o
When I spoke to her about it on Saturday her answer was she doesn't need to shower as she doesn't go out & she's never been into like I have
She lives in sheltered accommodation. She can't use the bath in the bathroom, she has to use the communal shower room, it has an adapted shower. The social services are going to turn her bathroom into a wet-room with a level floor shower.

Does she have any interests to occupy her time? If she is sitting and waiting for you to return with the shopping, I can see how she might perceive that you take a long time. Would it be possible to take her shopping with you? It would get her out of the house at least and you could chat and maybe have coffee together while out.

I'm not taking her out if she is not prepared to wash & wear clean clothes, not only was she stinking today her clothes were minging & she had tomato soup all over her face, she was eating tomato soup on Saturday when I was around there.
Its doubtful she woould want to come anyway as she can barely drag her eyes from the TV when I do visit & she refuses to join the day centres for the elderly.

It seems to me your mum has lost interest in looking/smelling nice. Maybe this is because she does not think there is anything she needs to look nice for. If she had an interest or reason to look nice maybe that would motivate her to be clean. Even going to the library would be good, they usually have Over 60s classes where people can meet and an activity is arranged, or maybe there are other things in the local area for older people run by charities or community groups.

Good luck

Thanks but as I said, she flatly refuses to join anything & has never been great about hygiene. She used to complain about my sister & I bathing daily:rolleyes:

thatgirlsam

oh gosh mrse - i think def ask your sisters if they can share some of the burden .. i don't mean to say you think of your mum as a burden , just can't think of a better word

i don't know what to say about the hygeine thing , if she has always been this way then what can you do??

im sorry but the tomato soup thing mad me giggle - i know its not funny really but i also plan to become a mad old bat one day.

margaretclare

Whenever I see posts like this I always wonder how old they are, and if this woman won't shower because she 'never goes out', I feel impelled to remark that it's NOT all of us older people!

I'm just coming up to 74. Because of my replaced hips and DH's replaced knees we got rid of our bath years ago, and we've used a shower ever since. Last autumn when he was in hospital for more knee problems, I had the shower cubicle upgraded - lower step-in and bigger cubicle in case we need to sit on a plastic stool at any point in the future.

I think I'd die if I couldn't shower daily! In fact that's my morning routine - loo, shower, weigh, dress. When the weather was so humid and sticky recently I had a shower before bed as well as morning, because I hate the feel of sweat drying on my skin.

I just cannot see why anyone, of any age, would get like this. My grandmother had a saying 'Soap and water are cheap'. Even when they had no indoor plumbing they would always strip and wash.

I couldn't put up with it and I agree, I wouldn't want it in my car either.

belfastgirl23

I'm wondering about your mother's mental health to be honest if the thought of bathing or showering is so awful to her that even knowing her children stay away from her because of her smell isn't enough to get her into the shower. Have you spoken to her doctor about this? Could you ask medical staff to address it as well, particularly if you have already talked about it head on and she has ignored you? It must have health implications as well...

Edited to say, your siblings actually might have the right idea in one way. I know it's a very difficult thing but really perhaps you need to refuse to do anything for her until she addresses this. If you think that still wouldn't bring things around then really that is probably a mental health issue.

frugallass

I really feel for you.....your story sounds like something my mum went through....she was the one who did everything while her two sisters did nothing......and my gran never appreciated anything (or at least didn't show it).

I hope that my story makes you giggle....

My gran spent the majority of her day sat in the same chair, looking out of the same window, smoking up to 60 cigarettes a day. She also had hygiene issues (mainly body odour) but that mixed with the fags made it quite unpleasant. As she got older she became slightly incontinent which added to the stench. When the sun disappeared behind a cloud, the gas fire went on full pelt and the smell was then unbearable.

Mum used to do grans washing for her and I always remember one day, gran's smalls (hmmm) and other various clothing were in piles across the kitchen floor and the cat walked in. Well you know how cats and dogs love to rub themselves in the most vile of stinky stuff? the cat thought he was in heaven, he was purring and dribbling and rubbing himself all over her clothes.....so they did give someone some pleasure (although we didn't tell gran haha)

I loved my gran to bits but wish that someone would have had the courage to tell her about her little problem

Anyway......on a serious note it seems you need further support here, both from your sisters and your local authority. Is there a social worker or social care worker that you can meet with and discuss your concerns before it really does become too much for you.

Lucy_Lastic

I think from personal experience that your Mother may be suffering from some form of dementia. If I'm right, I know it's difficult for you, but she really can't help the way she is. I can recommend the forum on the Alzheimer's website, you will soon see that this is a common problem and that there are ways of dealing with it. As for your siblings - good luck!