Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

Pee

Bear in mind that when your mum was younger it might have been socially normal to have a bath once a week and "a good wash" every morning. My grandma was very careful with her clothes - some of them were dry clean only - and would always try to sponge marks off. This worked well when she was younger, but when she got older with fading eyesight she couldn't see the marks. We pointed it out, but not rudely, and took them off to the dry cleaners for her, or had a go with the damp cloth. Mum on the other hand did a lot more for her and was often a lot less polite.

I think part of the problem is that your sisters are not pulling their weight and you have had enough - i don't blame you, it's very stressful when it is prolonged, constant and you feel like you are the only relative involved. You need some space with your sisters getting involved so that you have more patience with your mum - and for your mental health.

Could you have a family meeting and work out a rota?

Maybe there are grandchildren who could also call in from time to time to reduce the load?

MrsE_2

thatgirlsam wrote: »

oh gosh mrse - i think def ask your sisters if they can share some of the burden .. i don't mean to say you think of your mum as a burden , just can't think of a better word

i don't know what to say about the hygeine thing , if she has always been this way then what can you do??

im sorry but the tomato soup thing mad me giggle - i know its not funny really but i also plan to become a mad old bat one day.

Shes never been clean:o
As a child I often thought she smelt a bit fishy:o

MrsE_2

margaretclare wrote: »

Whenever I see posts like this I always wonder how old they are, and if this woman won't shower because she 'never goes out', I feel impelled to remark that it's NOT all of us older people!

I'm just coming up to 74. Because of my replaced hips and DH's replaced knees we got rid of our bath years ago, and we've used a shower ever since. Last autumn when he was in hospital for more knee problems, I had the shower cubicle upgraded - lower step-in and bigger cubicle in case we need to sit on a plastic stool at any point in the future.

I think I'd die if I couldn't shower daily! In fact that's my morning routine - loo, shower, weigh, dress. When the weather was so humid and sticky recently I had a shower before bed as well as morning, because I hate the feel of sweat drying on my skin.

I just cannot see why anyone, of any age, would get like this. My grandmother had a saying 'Soap and water are cheap'. Even when they had no indoor plumbing they would always strip and wash.

I couldn't put up with it and I agree, I wouldn't want it in my car either.

My mother is 72. The shower down the hall is one of those special ones - wet room style with a seat. But she won't use it:rolleyes:

My granny (RIP) was the cleanest woman I knew, with no bathroom & only a cold tap & water she had to boil herself on the range (aga).

MrsE_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I'm wondering about your mother's mental health to be honest if the thought of bathing or showering is so awful to her that even knowing her children stay away from her because of her smell isn't enough to get her into the shower. Have you spoken to her doctor about this? Could you ask medical staff to address it as well, particularly if you have already talked about it head on and she has ignored you? It must have health implications as well...

Edited to say, your siblings actually might have the right idea in one way. I know it's a very difficult thing but really perhaps you need to refuse to do anything for her until she addresses this. If you think that still wouldn't bring things around then really that is probably a mental health issue.

She does have the early stages/signs of Vascular Dementia, thats why I had her at the hospital.
But showering has never featured high on her agenda & its become more extreme as she has got older.

MrsE_2

frugallass wrote: »

I really feel for you.....your story sounds like something my mum went through....she was the one who did everything while her two sisters did nothing......and my gran never appreciated anything (or at least didn't show it).


Anyway......on a serious note it seems you need further support here, both from your sisters and your local authority. Is there a social worker or social care worker that you can meet with and discuss your concerns before it really does become too much for you.

Great story:D

She has a social worker, she has a mental health nurse & the geriatric psychiatrist.
This involvement is new-ish.

But they can't prescribe anything for vascular dementia & they can't force her to wash when she refuses.

MrsE_2

Pee wrote: »

Bear in mind that when your mum was younger it might have been socially normal to have a bath once a week and "a good wash" every morning. My grandma was very careful with her clothes - some of them were dry clean only - and would always try to sponge marks off. This worked well when she was younger, but when she got older with fading eyesight she couldn't see the marks. We pointed it out, but not rudely, and took them off to the dry cleaners for her, or had a go with the damp cloth. Mum on the other hand did a lot more for her and was often a lot less polite.

I think part of the problem is that your sisters are not pulling their weight and you have had enough - i don't blame you, it's very stressful when it is prolonged, constant and you feel like you are the only relative involved. You need some space with your sisters getting involved so that you have more patience with your mum - and for your mental health.

Could you have a family meeting and work out a rota?

Maybe there are grandchildren who could also call in from time to time to reduce the load?

I don't talk to the younger one, due to her stealing off my mum. My relationship with the elder one is strained due to her acceptance of the stealing from the younger one.
I've sent her a text & said you can take over for 4 months each.

jenhug

My friends nan was the same as this. She just wasn't interested in being clean! My friend would wash her clothes for her (forcibly removing some of them sometimes!!) and she rang me one day saying her house smelled of P*ss! She was trying to dry her nans clothes on the radiators! She started soaking her clothes for her in nappysan first then washing them and it really helped.

zzzLazyDaisy

Hi, just to say you have my sympathy. My mum was a smoker and hygiene was never high on the list.... but when she started with dementia....

MrsE_2

jenhug wrote: »

My friends nan was the same as this. She just wasn't interested in being clean! My friend would wash her clothes for her (forcibly removing some of them sometimes!!) and she rang me one day saying her house smelled of P*ss! She was trying to dry her nans clothes on the radiators! She started soaking her clothes for her in nappysan first then washing them and it really helped.

You can imagine how bad they were when the hospital put them in special bags for really foul stuff that can be put in a washer without being opened & touched:o

I thinik thats what it is with my mum, she isn't interested in being clean. Shes never been overly bothered about it & when she said she doesn't need to wash as she doesn't go out & work anymore says loud & clear she only washed because she had to not because she wanted to. Now she doesn't have that social pressure shes given up.

Pee

So really, your younger sister should not be going to visit, or would she no longer be stealing?

I think you should step back and visit once a week, perhaps with some general shopping you think she would like.

Wiltshire home foods deliver frozen meals and I understand they are very nice. Not very cheap, i don't think, but at least easy.