Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

frugallass

MrsE wrote: »

Great story:D

She has a social worker, she has a mental health nurse & the geriatric psychiatrist.
This involvement is new-ish.

But they can't prescribe anything for vascular dementia & they can't force her to wash when she refuses.

You poor thing - just make sure that you tell them everything, including the situation with your sisters....tell them how hard you are finding it

Have you discussed the shower predicament with your mum - my gran insisted on having a 'stand-up' wash - she was terrified she would fall in the bath or the shower (even with all the handrails and stuff). A stand-up wash was a compromise - but it wasn't a solution to the smell, although it did improve it slightly. When mum did the washing I think she used double powder and double fabric conditioner haha and always had a squirt round the house with febreeze (?)

sloughflint

MrsE wrote: »

I texed one of my sisters today saying they could take three months each looking after her & I will take over again in 6 months.

A petulant text is not the answer for a serious problem.

MrsE wrote: »

I was so annoyed I dropped her home & walked out.

MrsE wrote: »

When I said it to her (before I walked out) when we got back & I told her the reason my sisters rarely visit & won't have her in their cars or homes is because she smells so bad, her answer was "I don't ask anyone to take me anywhere".

Was it your place to divulge this information even if true?

It is clear that you care deeply but let me pose this question. If you were someone else watching how you interact with your mother, would you accept it?

You do need a break that's for sure as everything about your mother seems to be irritating you. Does your mother listen to professionals more than than you?

I wonder if someone neutral might take her to a bathing centre if a professional explained that a weekly bath is necessary for health reasons? It would get her out of the house, she'd meet people and might come to enjoy the routine.

Good luck. I do understand your frustration.

MrsE_2

Marcheline wrote: »

Hi, it's a tricky one, especially when you have 2 siblings who you think don't do as much as they could for her.
I was writing a big long reply to you, when I had a powercut.
They do bu66er all

I think this is a habit that quite a few older people have, some just do not like the water and I can understand it really: someone stripping you and cleaning you is not nice, I'd be thinking just leave me alone too probably!
But she expects people to cut her toe & finger nails for her:rolleyes:
She expects the chiropodist to do her feet & the hairdresser to colour her hair.
How can you expect people to come & do things like that for you, when you stink to high heaven?

With your mother, it's slightly different as you say the carers are supposed to do it. I think try working on getting her to shower at least once a week (3 times may be too much to bear the thought of for her) and speak to the carers about how you expect her to be showered once a week. It may be of course that your mother doesn't want to be stripped bare in front of the carers, so if you ask her and this is the case, could you or your siblings maybe arrange a rolling rota of doing it once a week each?
The carers can't force her, they can only ask & she refuses.
I really don't think its modesty that prevents her.
I'm sorry but I'm the queasiest person in the world (I could never work in the nursing/care field & so admire those that can), there is no way can I tend to her personal needs with her double incontinence too.
I was nearly sick the time I had to do it in the hospital. Can you believe she was crying because I forced her in the shower

If it was my mum, I wouldn't want a stranger to wash her anyway, but I totally realise that your cicumstances might not allow you do commit to this or that your mother is a different kettle of fish to mine!! Good luck with it.

Thank you. I do actually work fulltime as well & I live the furthest away. The other two daughters live in the same town.

Bogof_Babe

Do you think she might use some deodorised body wipes (and ones for the intimate area) if you got some? Wouldn't resolve the problem, but might at least make the atmosphere more bearable.

I'm surprised the carers haven't reported back to whoever is their manager about the problems re. washing. It obviously cannot be allowed to continue indefinitely, she will get all sorts of skin complaints apart from anything else.

MrsE_2

sloughflint wrote: »

A petulant text is not the answer for a serious problem.
It wasn't petulant.

Was it your place to divulge this information even if true?

To be honest if she washed & they had more interaction with her, she would have a much better quality of life.

It is clear that you care deeply but let me pose this question. If you were someone else watching how you interact with your mother, would you accept it?
I'm very mindful of that & I bite my lip , I only raised the matter on Saturday because of the hospital appointment.
I certainly don't want to "have a go at her" or "tell her off", which is why I walked out without saying anymore on it today.

You do need a break that's for sure as everything about your mother seems to be irritating you. Does your mother listen to professionals more than than you?
God no, she thinks I shouldn't tell them anything. She doesn't want any outside agencies involved & refuses their interference. She wants her daughters to do everything, unfortunately only one visits:rolleyes:
She even has told social services that the others do things they don't, so they will leave her alone & not interfere.

I wonder if someone neutral might take her to a bathing centre if a professional explained that a weekly bath is necessary for health reasons? It would get her out of the house, she'd meet people and might come to enjoy the routine.

Good luck. I do understand your frustration.

They have explained. They also told her her lack of hygiene is contributing to her urine infections & making her ill & sometimes landing her in hospital.
She won't entertain the idea of going to any groups or meeting people of a similar age.

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Do you think she might use some deodorised body wipes (and ones for the intimate area) if you got some? Wouldn't resolve the problem, but might at least make the atmosphere more bearable.

I'm surprised the carers haven't reported back to whoever is their manager about the problems re. washing. It obviously cannot be allowed to continue indefinitely, she will get all sorts of skin complaints apart from anything else.

She has, the doctor has had to perscribe creams for intimate areas caused by incontinence & not washing.

MrsE_2

Pee wrote: »

So really, your younger sister should not be going to visit, or would she no longer be stealing?

I think you should step back and visit once a week, perhaps with some general shopping you think she would like.

Wiltshire home foods deliver frozen meals and I understand they are very nice. Not very cheap, i don't think, but at least easy.

She won't eat them or meals on wheels.

But she will eat the Cook! range of frozen foods.

Yes, she possibly would steal again, but to be honest if my mum don't care & my sister turns a blind eye to it why should I bother about it.

My mother adores my younger sister so much, she would probably rather have her there stealing off her than not have her there at all.

I visit/shop for her on Saturday. I only visit midweek or after work if there is a reason.
As I've involved social services & occu health & the mental health services with her, there are a lot of appointments & things to do until its all sorted & settled down & then I need to visit her midweek because of these.

ClareEmily

I think you and your sister's need to meet (not text) then go together to sort the whole house out, completely clean it top to bottom. You need to stand united.

Then stand firm, I take it someone buys her the cigs? Maybe threaten to cut off the supply unless she smokes in a well ventilation room or outside.

Make up a routine, so that she has something to look forward to, for example, Monday a shopping trip, Wed a trip to a garden centre. But only on the condition that she washes before. Also maybe if a neighbour pops in for five minutes every day, it might give her some pride in her appearance.

My grandad was similar, he got people to buy him booze and then refused to eat anything and never washed. He basically didn't want to be alive, he had seen all his friend's die one by one, then my gran died and he basically gave up.

Pee

You could always give her the cigerettes after she had had a shower. Where she smokes seems up to her... Is respite care an option? A care home might get her into a routine which she would be happy to continue at home. (Then again, she may refuse point blank to go there.)

MrsE_2

ClareEmily wrote: »

I think you and your sister's need to meet (not text) then go together to sort the whole house out, completely clean it top to bottom. You need to stand united.
I got her a cleaner the week before last & I do bits on Saturday while I'm there too. But its her & her smoking & her incontinence that makes it smell so bad.

Then stand firm, I take it someone buys her the cigs? Maybe threaten to cut off the supply unless she smokes in a well ventilation room or outside.
She won't. But I've told my sisters (by the text) they can take over for a while, so its up to them.

Make up a routine, so that she has something to look forward to, for example, Monday a shopping trip, Wed a trip to a garden centre. But only on the condition that she washes before. Also maybe if a neighbour pops in for five minutes every day, it might give her some pride in her appearance.
I do work full time. I don't get home from work till nearly 6pm & I'm up at 5.30am.
She doesn't want to involve herself with any neighbours, she won't even go to the coffee mornings in the common room of her sheltered accommodation.

My grandad was similar, he got people to buy him booze and then refused to eat anything and never washed. He basically didn't want to be alive, he had seen all his friend's die one by one, then my gran died and he basically gave up.

This is whats happened to my mum, if younger sister (& her daughter) still went around she would be a lot better.