Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

LittleMissAspie

MrsE wrote: »

My mum wants her three daughters doing everything for her & doesn't want outsiders involved.
Her hygiene pushes us away:o

Is she physically able to shower by herself? Could you not bribe her by saying you'll come round and do whatever needs doing but only if she is showered when you get there? Or say you'll only book a hair appointment if she showers?

Failing that I'd say leave your younger sister to it. I'm not condoning stealing in the slightest, but from a practical point of view you say your younger sister makes your mum happier, and what does your mum actually spend money on if she never goes out? If you've tried everything possible and the only solution is to have favourite daughter around, stealing money that mum doesn't need or notice is gone, then I say leave them both to it.

MrsE_2

margaretclare wrote: »

No, this is rubbish. We're talking the 1950s, not the 1900s.

She gew up in the west of Ireland in the 30s & 40s.

My grandmother died in the 1980s & she never had a phone in the house.

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

How's her eyesight and hearing? Deafness can be very isolating, and bad eyesight can make you nervous about tripping and falling.

Just fishing round for any possible explanation for the way she is.

I assume she is widowed? Did she change when she lost her husband?

She was widowed when my stepdad died, then she got back with an old boyfriend (that she had during one of her many breakups from my stepfather).
Then they seperated.

Her eyesight & hearing are normal for her age.

She changed when she stopped looking after younger sisters child (when she started school).
That was about 3 years ago & she has gone downhill rapidly.

MrsE_2

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

Is she physically able to shower by herself? Could you not bribe her by saying you'll come round and do whatever needs doing but only if she is showered when you get there? Or say you'll only book a hair appointment if she showers?

Failing that I'd say leave your younger sister to it. I'm not condoning stealing in the slightest, but from a practical point of view you say your younger sister makes your mum happier, and what does your mum actually spend money on if she never goes out? If you've tried everything possible and the only solution is to have favourite daughter around, stealing money that mum doesn't need or notice is gone, then I say leave them both to it.

She promised to be showered today, she will just lie.
She was stinking with Saturdays soup still around her face.

As for your last paragraph, I know I should have left well alone & turned a blind eye.

Bogof_Babe

Only three years, hmm maybe all is not lost then. Also coinciding with her losing her usefulness (looking after grandchild).

This might be a really stupid idea, even cruel, but I wonder if she might buck up if she got a pet. It sounds like she misses having a purpose in life. Even just a budgie would give her a bit of company and not be too demanding in terms of care.

Francesanne

You have my utmost sympathy. Up until a couple of months ago my husband and I were the main carers for my Mum. My Mum had been suffering badly from depression for almost 2 years and I reached the point where I thought I was going to crack up. Thankfully, my Mum has always kept her self very clean so that wasn't a problem but we dealt with everything else. My only sister (much young) lives the other end of the country and did everything she could to help. We had to take drastic and my Mum has now sold up and is moving into a sheltered accomodation flat near my sister. For the sake of your health and sanity you need to have a family conference and tell your sisters they need to pull their weight. They might not like you telling them but tough. They need to help their Mum and you. Good luck and keep strong.

LittleMissAspie

MrsE wrote: »

She promised to be showered today, she will just lie.
She was stinking with Saturdays soup still around her face.

As for your last paragraph, I know I should have left well alone & turned a blind eye.

Then I would say "you haven't showered, you said you would so I am going back home". Then repeat until you get there and she has washed. Or maybe say you will sit in the car until she comes out to get you, showered and in clean clothes. If she's not out in 30 minutes, go home. I know it's a lot of hassle with all the driving but it might be worth a try.

You were right to confront the stealing. Human nature seems to have a ridiculous quirk where some people seem to favour the bad guys. You read it in forums a lot, where the good-for-nothing relative can do no wrong and the helpful relative gets blamed for everything. My boyfriend's nan does the same. My boyfriend's dad takes her on holiday every year, he travels 4 hours each way to see her every month or so, he pays for house improvements. Yet his brother is the favourite.

Bogof_Babe

Francesanne you could be me talking there about our situation. I too cared for my parents until dad died, then mum moved into care near my sister, 130 miles away. I was so relieved to be free of the burden after four years, much as I loved them both.

Which brings me to another point. Maybe we are all coming at this from the wrong angle, saying the other sisters should take their share. Maybe when someone is as needy as MrsE's mum, it isn't right that any of the family should be expected to do the caring. Of course there is a sense of duty, and hopefully some desire to look after mum in her hour of need, but the average person is not equipped either practically or emotionally to carry the burden indefinitely. Especially when trying to work and raise their own family.

I don't think anyone would think badly of MrsE or her sisters if mum ends up in the care of "the system". It will drag you all down eventually, it nearly did me until I took the advice of SS.

ceridwen

MrsE wrote: »

The doctor today agreed she has mild depression. The cure she said is to interact more:rolleyes:
My mother got quite annoyed with the doctor & told me to get up, we were leaving:rolleyes:
She then got annoyed at me for "telling her everything":rolleyes:

The depression & the dementia are linked she said.

ETA she tries to refuse any outside help & gets annoyed if a "home" is mentioned, so she won't entertain that.

Sorry to hear of your situation. TBH - your mother doesnt sound like someone one would want to interreact with before she started getting "frailer".

Looks to me like you're another one on this Board who'd be a good candidate for "sainthood". It sounds to me like you're being very forebearing and much more so than she deserves - from the sound of the way she brought you up.

I'm just wondering whether - in giving her the help you are giving her - that you are perhaps in effect "enabling" her to stay put right where she is - when maybe, without it, she WOULD end up having to go into a home. Maybe just walking away from the situation would mean it would be resolved in that way. It may be that "walking away" is the way you have to go in the circumstances. It might be different if she had been a loving/caring mother when you were younger - and it was age/infirmity that had caused this - but it sounds like that was never the case from what I can see.

Good luck with getting this situation sorted out.

Bogof_Babe

Blimey Ceridwen, we must be psychic sisters!