Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

MrsE_2

Pee wrote: »

You could always give her the cigerettes after she had had a shower. Where she smokes seems up to her... Is respite care an option? A care home might get her into a routine which she would be happy to continue at home. (Then again, she may refuse point blank to go there.)

I'm not there daily, I'm not as close (geographically) as the others.
She has the carers. TBH I think she "could" prepare herself simple things, but she won't, its self neglect.
Care home has been mentioned, she won't hear of it.

zzzLazyDaisy

ClareEmily wrote: »

Make up a routine, so that she has something to look forward to, for example, Monday a shopping trip, Wed a trip to a garden centre. But only on the condition that she washes before. .

Sadly you are approaching this from the point of view of someone who thinks it is normal to go out and interact with other people. Of course it is, but some people with dementia just want to be left alone, they resent what they see as interference (ie neighbours popping in), and definitely do not want to have to go out to the shops, garden centre etc.

Now I'm not saying that is the same for all people who are slowly losing their marbles, I can only speak for my experience with my mum. But if that is in any way typical, if you turn everything you consider to be 'normal' on its head, that's what's 'normal' for people with early dementia. And that is why it is so very difficult to help them, and so frustrating. Because what is absolutely normal for them, just isn't for the rest of us.

Add to that mix the fact that any 'not so nice' characteristics are likely to be magnified as they lose touch with what the rest of the world considers to be normal and sink into their own little world, and it is no wonder that OP is at her wits end.

MrsE_2

It probably sounds like I won't listen to options & ideas, but I think I've been through them all.

I Unmasked the stealing & to be honest I think my mother would have been happier have younger sister in her life stealing (& I'm not talking about small amounts here) than not see her at all. Elder sister & I changed things so she can no longer steal & now she rarely bothers to go near her.
When she was stealing from her she was around her much more, she handled most of the money/shopping as she didn't want to let us near any finances, but I think my mother was genuinely happier.

lizziem_2

Quote:
I'm sorry but I'm the queasiest person in the world (I could never work in the nursing/care field & so admire those that can), there is no way can I tend to her personal needs with her double incontinence too.
I was nearly sick the time I had to do it in the hospital. Can you believe she was crying because I forced her in the shower


That is sad. At the end of the day, she is your mum. She did the same for you when you were a baby. I have some idea of how bad it is, my mum is ill and recently I had to help her with various things while she was in hospital. It was not easy but I did it because she is my mum and I love her.

I agree with some others here. I think the family needs to meet up, all 3 sisters and your mum, and work out a fair division of labour. Your mum brought you all up and looked after you, and now she needs help herself. If all three of you help and visit regularly it will improve her quality of life.

chnelomi

I can't really offer any advice for getting your sisters to help. Honestly if i did i would put it into action for my own grandmother. So far we have tried asking/telling my aunt that she needs to help due to my mothers health but that had no effect. Her opinion was that's what home helps are for.

She did however visit for 2 weeks and spent her time insulting my mothers care of my gran. She rearranged how her pension and bills where paid changed the power of attorney that we had and now has copies of grans statements sent to her to check her money is correct.

Yet when gran was put into hospital after a fall she was to busy to visit, she's retired so no job to stop her. Gran has been diagnosed with dementia and she refused to visit to discuss help for her. When my mum took ill and had to have an operation(at the time we thought cancer had returned) she said that i was their so she wasn't needed, I was left looking after gran and running to hospital for mum(looked after her after too) as well as helping my disabled sister and dad.

Some people just don't care about family unless it's family money.
I may sound bitter but i know the day my gran dies my aunt will be straight up to get "whats hers" she done it with her MIL. I HATE her.

Only advise i have is take time out for your self before it makes you ill, I know it's hard but for your own sanity just do it.

MrsE_2

lizziem wrote: »

That is sad. At the end of the day, she is your mum. She did the same for you when you were a baby. I have some idea of how bad it is, my mum is ill and recently I had to help her with various things while she was in hospital. It was not easy but I did it because she is my mum and I love her.

I agree with some others here. I think the family needs to meet up, all 3 sisters and your mum, and work out a fair division of labour. Your mum brought you all up and looked after you, and now she needs help herself. If all three of you help and visit regularly it will improve her quality of life.

To be honest my mum played favourites all my life. When younger sister came along (second marriage - different dad) we (older sister & I) were in the way & felt it very much.
I'm not even sure who my father is, as my mother has told me different stories - some in anger designed to hurt.
She gave my younger sister most of her mothering & as she got older she gave her all her money too, then she stole the rest.
Sometimes when I was a child, she wasn't there for me when it mattered.

Please don't think I would ever let an old lady know this, I wouldn't say it to her. But I've decided I'm walking away for a few months & I will let my two sisters do a bit then I will take a turn again to do my duty.

MrsE_2

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Sadly you are approaching this from the point of view of someone who thinks it is normal to go out and interact with other people. Of course it is, but some people with dementia just want to be left alone, they resent what they see as interference (ie neighbours popping in), and definitely do not want to have to go out to the shops, garden centre etc.

Now I'm not saying that is the same for all people who are slowly losing their marbles, I can only speak for my experience with my mum. But if that is in any way typical, if you turn everything you consider to be 'normal' on its head, that's what's 'normal' for people with early dementia. And that is why it is so very difficult to help them, and so frustrating. Because what is absolutely normal for them, just isn't for the rest of us.

Add to that mix the fact that any 'not so nice' characteristics are likely to be magnified as they lose touch with what the rest of the world considers to be normal and sink into their own little world, and it is no wonder that OP is at her wits end.

Thats it.
The doctor today said she would check the CAT scan & if there were any tracers of alchemizers they could perscribe something, but if its all vascular they can't.

Bogof_Babe

I suppose you'd know if she had a drink problem, 'cos you'd be the one buying the drink, so let's rule that out.

As she is so totally against any form of social interaction, self care or even eating properly, it sounds to me like she has lost interest in life. This is a symptom of depression, and tbh she has much to be depressed about, but it is all of her own making.

I'm wondering whether a spell in a nursing home type of environment might just get her functioning as a human being again. Hopefully she will have an assessment by social services, and take it from there.

They will also assess you, incidentally, so see if you are coping. When I was struggling with both my parents before dad died, the social services lady said I really should give up coming all the time to bath mum and do the housework, and just get their shopping once a week. Up until then I'd always thought I didn't do enough, but from an outsider's viewpoint I was making myself run down trying to cope with it all.

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I suppose you'd know if she had a drink problem, 'cos you'd be the one buying the drink, so let's rule that out.

As she is so totally against any form of social interaction, self care or even eating properly, it sounds to me like she has lost interest in life. This is a symptom of depression, and tbh she has much to be depressed about, but it is all of her own making.

I'm wondering whether a spell in a nursing home type of environment might just get her functioning as a human being again. Hopefully she will have an assessment by social services, and take it from there.

They will also assess you, incidentally, so see if you are coping. When I was struggling with both my parents before dad died, the social services lady said I really should give up coming all the time to bath mum and do the housework, and just get their shopping once a week. Up until then I'd always thought I didn't do enough, but from an outsider's viewpoint I was making myself run down trying to cope with it all.

The doctor today agreed she has mild depression. The cure she said is to interact more:rolleyes:
My mother got quite annoyed with the doctor & told me to get up, we were leaving:rolleyes:
She then got annoyed at me for "telling her everything":rolleyes:

The depression & the dementia are linked she said.

ETA she tries to refuse any outside help & gets annoyed if a "home" is mentioned, so she won't entertain that.

MrsE_2

Can I say thank you MSEers for letting me sound-off today:o:kisses: