Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

ceridwen

MrsE wrote: »

She does have a phone. She doesn't really like talking on the phone, always tries to get you off if you are talking on the phone (I think its because phones were for emergency chats in her day, not talking).

If people refuse help & don't want to know there is only so much outside agencies can do.
My mum wants her three daughters doing everything for her & doesn't want outsiders involved.
Her hygiene pushes us away:o
The family is too fractured now to get together again. They have used this to distance themselves from helping out.
I had a row with little sister before I found out about all the money (but I think she engineered it to get me out of the picture to get free access to mums bank account, as previously I had help her with this too). When I first stopped talking to little sister mum stopped talking to me as well:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
The row then was over my mum. Her car got damaged (children & stones) outside my house & my sister had a right go at me, TBH I think she was looking for an excuse.
I invited my mum to my home for dinner to try & forge a relationship again after her not talking to me for 6 months.
She felt ill & was taken to hospital & by default I had to talk to my sister again.
When my mum was being released from hospital she wanted me to move my daughter out (said she could stay with her) & move my mum in (my mum was smelly then, no one wanted her living in their homes). Apart from the fact that I wouldn't dream of moving my daughter out my younger sister lives in a flat with the bathroom all on the level & has a spare bed. My older sister had a spare bedroom & a downstairs loo & a upstairs bathroom.
Well because I wouldn't move DD out & mum in she went mad again (they didn't want to take her in). So she dumped her back at A&E & went on holiday.
Then I found out about the theft of the money (thousands not hundreds) by accident & WW3 erupted again:rolleyes:

Sounds like you've got a pair of "charmers" for sisters as well - and for one of them to suggest you kick your own daughter out!!!! Words fail me...

ceridwen

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Only three years, hmm maybe all is not lost then. Also coinciding with her losing her usefulness (looking after grandchild).

This might be a really stupid idea, even cruel, but I wonder if she might buck up if she got a pet. It sounds like she misses having a purpose in life. Even just a budgie would give her a bit of company and not be too demanding in terms of care.

Well...I wondered a bit about the lost "sense of purpose" - but I'd pity any poor budgie she had care of - I expect she'd soon forget to feed/water it...

ceridwen

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Blimey Ceridwen, we must be psychic sisters!

Well....we've got some viewpoints in common I note...:D

Becles

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

My Gran had dementia and didn't wash because she was used to the "weekly bath" but then could never remember what day of the week she was supposed to have a bath on. My Mam had to go over and run the bath, then physically stand over her while she got undressed and make sure she got in the bath. Once she was in there, she'd get washed and wash her her herself, and in the meantime, my Mam would collect up her dirty clothes and have fresh ones laid out ready. It was the only way that worked, as even if you told her to have a bath as you were leaving, but the time she'd waved us off, she'd have forgotten all about the bath!

We did have a carer going in first thing in the morning and she was in a sheltered accomodation flat with a warden, but the rest of the family had to rally round to check on her at other times. She needed keeping an eye on as she would forget to eat and forget to take her medication. We had a rota drawn up with different family members doing different shifts when it fitted in. Gran seemed to like that. Not sure how that would fit in with your family, but thought I would suggest it anyway.

There's no shame in admitting things are tough. Both my Gran and my Grandpa had dementia, so I've been through it twice and it takes it toll on the people who have to look after them. There are other people who might be able to help. Try taking her to her GP and explaining what is happening, and people like Social Services or charities like Age Concern might be able to help too.

Hope you get things sorted out soon.

Norma_Desmond

So sorry for what you're going through Mrs. E - my Dad has severe vascular dementia and has been in a nursing home for a year now.
You may find that soon your Mum's care is taken out of your hands to a certain degree; it's not that dementia sufferers get any better, they just have good days and terrible days.
Mum (and me!) wanted to keep Dad at home as long as possible with carers coming in 4 times a day but when it got to the point where Mum couldn't even nip to the loo or have a shower herself without Dad getting up and falling / messing himself / shouting abuse / phoning the police to say he was a prisoner etc. then we made the decision after recommendations from consultants and social workers for him to go into care. Obviously at this point Dad wasn't rational enough to make any choices.
The nursing home and staff are TERRIFIC btw.
Sorry if this is a bit garbled, but I know what you're going through.
Good luck.

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Only three years, hmm maybe all is not lost then. Also coinciding with her losing her usefulness (looking after grandchild).

Absolutely, I know its related to this.

This might be a really stupid idea, even cruel, but I wonder if she might buck up if she got a pet. It sounds like she misses having a purpose in life. Even just a budgie would give her a bit of company and not be too demanding in terms of care.

She doesn't like animals, but they wouldn't be allowed them in sheltered accommodation anyway.

MrsE_2

ceridwen wrote: »

Sounds like you've got a pair of "charmers" for sisters as well - and for one of them to suggest you kick your own daughter out!!!! Words fail me...

The elder one is OK, shes very non-confrontational & will pick the path of least resistance.
So she was happy to brush the theft under the carpet & act like it never happened.
But this caused an atmosphere between us........

The younger one was a spoilt child who turned into a thieving, lying adult. If she told me the sky was blue, I would need to check for myself.

BUT saying all this, she is an amazing charmer & you would never guess she was a compulsive thief (my older sister has even found her stuff in my sisters, where she has stole from her & my sisters earing's have gone missing after she visited).

She did offer to have my daughter stay with her:rolleyes:

MrsE_2

ceridwen wrote: »

Sorry to hear of your situation. TBH - your mother doesnt sound like someone one would want to interreact with before she started getting "frailer".
There is a little bit of me that feels I should leave her to it, that I don't owe her the same as my younger sister owes her.
But my DH is worried that after shes gone, I will end up feeling guilty & like I should have done more. But he is a saint:o

I would like her to be honest about who my father is before she dies, but TBH I wouldn't believe any name she gave me now anyway so I don't bother asking.

Looks to me like you're another one on this Board who'd be a good candidate for "sainthood". It sounds to me like you're being very forebearing and much more so than she deserves - from the sound of the way she brought you up.
Oh no, not at all. Read some of them on here that do everything with no outside help at all, they are the real saints.

I'm just wondering whether - in giving her the help you are giving her - that you are perhaps in effect "enabling" her to stay put right where she is - when maybe, without it, she WOULD end up having to go into a home.
Yes, I think you are on the right track there.

Maybe just walking away from the situation would mean it would be resolved in that way. It may be that "walking away" is the way you have to go in the circumstances. It might be different if she had been a loving/caring mother when you were younger - and it was age/infirmity that had caused this - but it sounds like that was never the case from what I can see.
Good luck with getting this situation sorted out.

Well I will let my sister(s) take over for a few months each.
TBH my mum would be made up if younger sister started helping her.

Bogof_Babe

You seem overly confident that your sisters will actually take up the cause. I wouldn't hold my breath, from what you've said about them. Or they might start off with a big extravagant effort but soon fizzle out and you'll be left picking up the pieces again. This is why outside help/assessment is vital, to cut through all the potential confusion.

Re. the guilt thing, it is perfectly normal and almost everyone feels guilty after the death of a parent, even the saints, however much they tried to do for them. You might as well accept it right now that you will feel guilty, then you might find it easier to forgive yourself when the time comes.

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

You seem overly confident that your sisters will actually take up the cause. I wouldn't hold my breath, from what you've said about them. Or they might start off with a big extravagant effort but soon fizzle out and you'll be left picking up the pieces again. This is why outside help/assessment is vital, to cut through all the potential confusion.

Re. the guilt thing, it is perfectly normal and almost everyone feels guilty after the death of a parent, even the saints, however much they tried to do for them. You might as well accept it right now that you will feel guilty, then you might find it easier to forgive yourself when the time comes.

Well she has carers & a cleaner & a home-hairdresser & a chiropodist & a milk man & a manicurist, all of these "helpers (bar the milk man) specialise in the elderly.
All they have to do is shopping, leave cheques for the milkman, chiropodist & hair-dresser & make sure she has the cash for the cleaner & the manicurists and other bits & pieces, but mostly they are all in place now, I've done the work arranging it & finding all these people.

She does have outside help but they don't go to the cash point or write cheques or do shopping or get prescriptions or visit doctors or sit in while various agencies come round.