Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

Marcheline

Hi again, MrsE, again my mum is similar to yours (and they both grew up in the same part of the world) with hospital appointments and things too. Anything like that she is a bit suspicious of and believes people are better off without hospitals (i know, i know!) because if you're going to suffer and die, it will happen anyway, so there's no point putting it off. Haha!

Does your mum have any people who see her other than her children and carers? I'm thinking about maybe people who become voluntary befrienders or maybe (if she is/was a churchgoer) someone from a local church? It might be a catalyst to get her caring for herself a bit more?

MrsE_2

Marcheline wrote: »

Hi again, MrsE, again my mum is similar to yours (and they both grew up in the same part of the world) with hospital appointments and things too. Anything like that she is a bit suspicious of and believes people are better off without hospitals (i know, i know!) because if you're going to suffer and die, it will happen anyway, so there's no point putting it off. Haha!

Does your mum have any people who see her other than her children and carers? I'm thinking about maybe people who become voluntary befrienders or maybe (if she is/was a churchgoer) someone from a local church? It might be a catalyst to get her caring for herself a bit more?

She was never one for socialising, she never had many friends outside the family, any she had were work friends she has long since lost touch with.

She never has been a joiner & she won't join anything now.

She accomodation she lives in have coffee mornings, film screenings, game/card sessions -40 foor from her front door. She gets a bit annoyed if I keep suggesting she goes - she won't move fro the TV.

She could probably make herself toast & a coffee, but she won't, she would rather do without.

She won't even write her own shopping list for me, I have to go around & do it for her.

margaretclare

MrsE wrote: »

Believe me I know all older people are not like my mother.
As I said my Gran was immaculate.
She didn't even have a bathroom or hot running water (she did have hot running water the last few years of her life) & she was NOTHING like my mum. Plus she lived in the west of Ireland all her life;)

Where I grew up we had no bathroom (rural Yorkshire). Loo was in the back-yard. Every drop of water that was needed either for cooking or washing had to be heated on a coal fire. Except for wash-day, when a fire was lit under the old copper in the wash-house.

In those days they also had to wash their own sanitary towels - think of that.

I think we are incredibly lucky. I love my shower and my washing-machine. I couldn't imagine living in the way the old people you describe.

If I was ever widowed for a second time I would certainly move into some type of sheltered accommodation because they do seem to have an active social life! I go to one for a fitness class - a very active and energetic routine sitting on chairs!

ceridwen

zippychick wrote: »

Just wanted to say MrsE, you deserve a medal.

I have no advice or wisdom for you, just respect.

Well...put it this way...Mrs E....I wont be expecting to note that any of your future "signatures" on your posts are self-denigrating ones (as was a previous one of yours I remember). So - as I recall you think I'm "that blunt woman - but you like me" - bit of yer ceridwen bluntness here "Dont you calling yourself "yes - I'm one of THOSE women" again in a signature .....or ceridwen will be reminding you firmly about how much you've put yourself out for your mother here.:D

(....and if you're not listening - then I'll bring in reinforcements - ie that other blunt woman you like - Moggylover):D:rotfl:

MrsE_2

ceridwen wrote: »

Well...put it this way...Mrs E....I wont be expecting to note that any of your future "signatures" on your posts are self-denigrating ones (as was a previous one of yours I remember). So - as I recall you think I'm "that blunt woman - but you like me" - bit of yer ceridwen bluntness here "Dont you calling yourself "yes - I'm one of THOSE women" again in a signature .....or ceridwen will be reminding you firmly about how much you've put yourself out for your mother here.:D

(....and if you're not listening - then I'll bring in reinforcements - ie that other blunt woman you like - Moggylover):D:rotfl:

That sig was a joke, honestly.

It was something I read on here that tickled me, as is the one I have now, something funny I read on here.

Comparred to many I don't do much (but i do far more than the siblings who live on her doorstep:rolleyes:), I have tried to do what I did with good grace & a smile on my face (inside feeling a bit of resentment as if I were being used, not that important in childhood, but damn glad she had me now:rolleyes::rolleyes:, but I really have tried to make sure I keep that within, only DH & a million MSEers know how I feel:o).

Moggy is great, if she tells me off, I listen:eek:
She speaks such sense:D
You & Gingham Ribbon do too.
As do others, but you three really do:D

sloughflint

A sad thread.

FWIW MrsE I'm not sure you'll be successful resolving this problem and it is hard to watch people you care about self-destruct. But I wouldn't give up just yet.

I don't agree with some of the posters' suggestions re ultimatums and treating her like a child. I think she'd just go into her shell even more, rebel and sink deeper into her depressive state.

Despite your reply to my earlier post, I do wonder if a bathing centre is still a viable option? The people there are well trained at persuading 'difficult' custumers.From what I witnessed, they inspire more confidence than home carers who although sweet and caring are not necessarily very good ( very hit and miss in my experience).

Would it be possible to go to one for a non commital chat? If your mother agrees, could you then arrange a weekly slot ( three times a week seems very ambitious to me considering her history) and then for your mother to have her hair done straight after since she seems to like that?
Or for younger sis to collect her afterwards and go for a drive and collect a week's supply of cigarettes?

What was the response to your text BTW?

MrsE_2

sloughflint wrote: »

A sad thread.

FWIW MrsE I'm not sure you'll be successful resolving this problem and it is hard to watch people you care about self-destruct. But I wouldn't give up just yet.

I don't agree with some of the posters' suggestions re ultimatums and treating her like a child. I think she'd just go into her shell even more, rebel and sink deeper into her depressive state.

Despite your reply to my earlier post, I do wonder if a bathing centre is still a viable option? The people there are well trained at persuading 'difficult' custumers.From what I witnessed, they inspire more confidence than home carers who although sweet and caring are not necessarily very good ( very hit and miss in my experience).

Would it be possible to go to one for a non commital chat? If your mother agrees, could you then arrange a weekly slot ( three times a week seems very ambitious to me considering her history) and then for your mother to have her hair done straight after since she seems to like that?
Or for younger sis to collect her afterwards and go for a drive and collect a week's supply of cigarettes?

What was the response to your text BTW?

I didn't get a response to the text:rolleyes:

There is no point me making plans to take her to anything like that as I work Mon-Fri & don't get home till 6pm.
I volunteer for a slimming group I attend on a Saturday morning, I do my shopping (& hers Sat afternoon), then I fit in housework on a Sunday, or I may have a clothes shopping day on Saturday & do the food shopping & housework on Sunday, I really don't have the time to squeeze in any more outings & I cannot make suggestions to sisters, they will do their own thing, I can't tell them how to manage their time with her (if they do anything at all).

I'm not trying to be difficult & I really do appriciate everyones suggestions, but with my mums total lack of co-operation & my sisters totally unprepared to meet me some of the way, they (all three of them) leave me no option but to way away & let them take over for a while.

margaretclare

MrsE wrote: »

I didn't get a response to the text:rolleyes:

There is no point me making plans to take her to anything like that as I work Mon-Fri & don't get home till 6pm.
I volunteer for a slimming group I attend on a Saturday morning, I do my shopping (& hers Sat afternoon), then I fit in housework on a Sunday, or I may have a clothes shopping day on Saturday & do the food shopping & housework on Sunday, I really don't have the time to squeeze in any more outings & I cannot make suggestions to sisters, they will do their own thing, I can't tell them how to manage their time with her (if they do anything at all).

I'm not trying to be difficult & I really do appreciate everyone's suggestions, but with my mum's total lack of co-operation & my sisters totally unprepared to meet me some of the way, they (all three of them) leave me no option but to walk away & let them take over for a while.

I think you're right. I can't see how you fit it all in as it is! You're one busy lady and your own life and own concerns have to take precedence. Your mum is an adult and, although she has disabilities, the way she lives is her own choice. She could do things differently but chooses not to, and it is not down to you to 'make' her do things otherwise.

There is nothing wrong with having your own concerns - your slimming group, for instance. With a full-time job and this worry in the background, you need something else, like this group.

BTW I have only managed to lose 3 1/2 pounds since the beginning of May! At least I'm not putting it on, and I'm losing it, although very slowly. Congratulations on your success!

margaretclare

I also meant to say - about the shopping list, having to go and look in her cupboards to see what she needs, and make up the list from there. This is nonsense, and I wouldn't go along with this at all.

What we do is: we have more or less an on-going shopping list. If we see we need something, have used up the last of whatever it was, it goes on the list, just so that it doesn't get forgotten when we decide to go shopping. But we mostly find, we buy the same things anyway, so it can be on-going. What the online shopping - Tesco, Sainsbury's - call 'favourites' because you buy them again and again. I can't see how your mum can be so different. It seems to me that it's all part of her little games that she plays - having you running around, dancing to her tune. Any reasonable person knows what they buy week in week out, with very little change. OK, so she's not reasonable. But no reason on earth why you have to dance to her tune.

I am a hard b**ch who doesn't understand what it's like to be widowed, elderly and disabled. I know, I'm always being told that. Well, I'm all those things, but I choose to live my life differently from the way you describe, the way some people have described their elderly relatives living.

FairyElephant_2

Oh Mrs E you have my total sympathy!

You could have been writing about my dad, who also has vascular dementia (now also been diagnosed with alzheimers), apart from that he was always clean and tidy (despite having a manual job) when he was younger and it's only since his illness that he refuses to bathe, shave, cut his hair, and chain-smokes horribly smelly roll-ups all day! He hardly eats at all despite my mum's constant efforts (he hides food in his pockets and pretends to have eaten it) and refuses to take(or hides) his medication. He also refuses to go out apart from a five-minute walk to the local shop to buy tobacco, even though there is nothing wrong with him physically apart from he's so weak because he won't eat! He won't let me take him anywhere in the car either.

My mum has cared for him at home, with as much help as I can give (I'm an only child) until last week, when he was finally sectioned under the mental health act act and taken into a secure unit where he is being looked after and assessed - even when he was being taken away he insisted there was nothing wrong with him! (we & the psychiatrist suspect cancer but dad refused to go into hospital for any tests).

Mum ended up on anti-depressants and ill herself with the strain of trying to care for him every day.

Sadly, it took a big row between him & mum, and him lashing out and trying to hit her, before we could get this serious action taken.

Not washing, etc, and not eating, are not considered enough to force anyone into care. Until they either get violent, or get so ill that they have to go to hospital (eg. eat so little that they collapse and break a hip or something) otherwise they can slowly kill themselves in their own homes if they want to!

In your situation, I know it sounds cold and hard, but I would contact the Social Services and/or her psychiatric team, and tell them that you just can't cope with dealing with your mother any more, and won't be doing her shopping, taking her to appts etc.
When I took mum away on holiday, we had carers come into to dad every day, and they did his shopping for him, and prepared him (ready)meals (even though he didn't eat them!) so I am sure someone can do this for your mum apart from you.

Then you can confine your visits to purely 'social', maybe once a week, ask her how she is getting on, but if she complains you tell her to take it up with her carers, as it is their job, and not yours!

TBH my mum felt very 'guilty' at having my dad taken into the unit, but in the 9 days he has been there he has improved so much...the nurses have bathed, shaved him, cut his hair. He has started to eat (mainly I think because he believes that he can't come home until he puts on weight and gets stronger - which is what we tell him every time he asks to come home!) and yesterday he knew exactly who we were when we went in, what day it was, and even did some of a crossword (which he's not been able to do for months!). I think that having professionals caring for him, who know how to handle people in his situation, has worked wonders! Whether this would continue if we get to take him home eventually remains to be seen - and we haven't the heart to tell him that he's going to be there for 28 days to be assessed, as it is still early days.

My mum is improving too - and the house does not stink of tobacco any more so I feel able to visit for more than 20 minutes (I'm pregnant and the smell made me sick!).

Sorry for such a long post - but your post struck such a chord with me! I know 'blood is thicker than water' but please don't let your mother get you down and make you stressed. You have a done a great deal, and now it's time to let others take over - if not family then the social services.

All the best,

FE