Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

FairyElephant_2

Margaret Claire - you sound such a lovely person - will you be my Granny?????

Good for you in carrying on with the lifestyle you want, as far as possible. My DH's Dad was like that - he would never tell anyone his age as he said it wasn't important how old he was in body, it was how young he was in mind that counted!

MrsE_2

margaretclare wrote: »

What we do is: we have more or less an on-going shopping list. If we see we need something, have used up the last of whatever it was, it goes on the list, just so that it doesn't get forgotten when we decide to go shopping.

I put a note pad & pen on the coffee table in front of the sofa she rarely moves from & asked her to note it down. She won't write anything on it.

A few times she has said to me "I can't remember the other, so get that for now & I will tell you when I get back & you can go out for it".

OR & this one drives me silly......

You ring her to say "I'm on my way round, do you want anything", she says "no" & then when you arrive she wants you to go to the shops & get her something:rolleyes:

MrsE_2

FairyElephant wrote: »

He hardly eats at all despite my mum's constant efforts (he hides food in his pockets and pretends to have eaten it) and refuses to take(or hides) his medication. He also refuses to go out apart from a five-minute walk to the local shop to buy tobacco, even though there is nothing wrong with him physically apart from he's so weak because he won't eat! He won't let me take him anywhere in the car either.

My mum chucks away food to, secretly. The carers often find whole meals chucked in the bin, but the weird thing is she leaves them on top (almost like she wants to be caught out), she thinks its clever & funny to "get away with not eating her meal" a bit like a naughty child. I do get her cakes & biscuits because she will eat these & I figure its better than nothing. She won't touch fruit or veg or anything like that:rolleyes:

She won't walk to the shower room or common room which are down the hall way, I'm surprised she doesn't have moss growing on her.

margaretclare

FairyElephant wrote: »

Margaret Clare - you sound such a lovely person - will you be my Granny?????

With great pleasure. Just so long as you don't want driving lessons - I'm helping my eldest GD pay for hers and the next few weeks are going to be a bit expensive anyway - holiday, driveway re-done.

Good for you in carrying on with the lifestyle you want, as far as possible. My DH's Dad was like that - he would never tell anyone his age as he said it wasn't important how old he was in body, it was how young he was in mind that counted!

DH and I both have a 22-year old brain in a 70+ body. Unfortunately we'll physically never be able to do many of the things we'd love to do - just going on a long country walk, joining the local Ramblers, is never going to be possible. I walk round the block and just this morning I was chatting to a lady a few doors down. She's 92 but you'd never know it from her appearance and demeanour.

margaretclare

MrsE wrote: »

My mum chucks away food to, secretly. The carers often find whole meals chucked in the bin, but the weird thing is she leaves them on top (almost like she wants to be caught out), she thinks its clever & funny to "get away with not eating her meal" a bit like a naughty child. I do get her cakes & biscuits because she will eat these & I figure its better than nothing. She won't touch fruit or veg or anything like that:rolleyes:

She won't walk to the shower room or common room which are down the hall way, I'm surprised she doesn't have moss growing on her.

MrsE, I think you are in line for my assertiveness training. This goes back a few years to when a good friend of mine was being run ragged by her in-laws (both dead now). Especially the old lady. She'd phone and say she wanted to be taken shopping/to the GP/to a hospital appointment/to the hairdresser, and my friend is the kind of person who feels guilty if she isn't running around all the time after some family member. I said to her 'You need to say NO'. She goggled at me as if I was speaking a strange language. 'Suppose she says "Why not?" ' The answer is 'It's not convenient'. No further explanation - she'll get the message eventually.

You could practically see the light-bulb go off in my friend's head, and she still says to me she had never before heard anyone talk like me. She just didn't think she could say no - it was a completely new idea to her.

Some say I am a hard unfeeling b**ch. Well, so be it. It's survival. If I had as busy a life as you, MrsE, I would be thinking of survival, or sanity, too.

HTH

Bogof_Babe

That's all very well in theory MargaretC, but with a parent there is the emotional thing. Honour thy father and mother, and all that. If you've been brought up with parents who showed care for you (as opposed to those few unfortunate folk whose parents didn't appear to give a damn), you can never quite shake off that feeling of responsibility towards them. It's like a deeply rooted type of love, combined with gratefulness that they gave you life.

I could be assertive with inlaws, friends, colleagues, but with parents, and siblings to a lesser extent, I think family feelings will always take precedence.

Despite the problems MrsE is having, it is clear that she does actually love her mum. She is already worrying about guilt, because that's what the bond with a parent does to you. I could no more abandon my mum (or my dad when he was alive) than fly to the moon, no matter how difficult they were being.

pipkin71

So sorry to hear all that you're going through MrsE Your posts have been filled with how difficult you are finding things with your mum right now.

If you need to chat, to talk things through, you have my number, and I have pretty big shoulders for leaning on hunny, even if that's the only help I can offer.

So many others have given some good advice on this thread and even just talking on a forum will hopefully have given you some relief at being able to vent.

Pipkin xxxx

MrsE_2

margaretclare wrote: »

MrsE, I think you are in line for my assertiveness training. This goes back a few years to when a good friend of mine was being run ragged by her in-laws (both dead now). Especially the old lady. She'd phone and say she wanted to be taken shopping/to the GP/to a hospital appointment/to the hairdresser, and my friend is the kind of person who feels guilty if she isn't running around all the time after some family member. I said to her 'You need to say NO'. She goggled at me as if I was speaking a strange language. 'Suppose she says "Why not?" ' The answer is 'It's not convenient'. No further explanation - she'll get the message eventually.

Thing is she never asks me to take her any of these places or do anything really except get shopping/fags/perscriptions.
But I do these things to try & improve her health & quality of life, even if she doesn't appear bothered. I hoped by taking her to the medical appointments & the meetings with social workers, occu therapists, mental health nurses, etc I might improve her quality of life & by default improve her health.

MrsE_2

pipkin71 wrote: »

So sorry to hear all that you're going through MrsE Your posts have been filled with how difficult you are finding things with your mum right now.

Thank you Hun:kisses3:

Its not been that bad, but Wednesday really upset me.

I've tried & tried, everything I've done is to try & get her to stop living like an animal & get a bit of dignity & self respect for herself.

I begged her on Saturday to shower, I wrote it in her carers book (so they would pressure her) & I rung her very early to remind her.

She still wouldn't shower or put clean clothes on. Apart from having no respect for herself, she has none for me either.

Bogof_Babe

Does she have difficulty actually using the shower? Is it adapted for people who are a bit disabled (I know she isn't officially but she might as well be, with the lifestyle she has adopted)?

Is there a bath in the house? Might she find that easier/more appealing?

Is there a seat in the shower, and if so can she reach the controls when sitting on it?

My dad became reluctant to bath (they didn't have a shower), and it turned out that he was frightened of slipping when getting in and out. He did once, damaged his elbow quite badly, and after that he would only kneel in it, which was obviously uncomfortable.

Could you get some equipment from SS? Mum had the a bath seat and a step to help her get in and out, and they also sent a chap to fix a grab rail on the wall, and it made a world of difference.

Perhaps your mum doesn't feel safe but doesn't want to admit it.