Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

caevans

piratess wrote: »

Im a carer in the community and its a very patchy thing .. we cannot force somone to take a shower nor can we force anyone to put clean clothes on, we can remind again and again even lay clothes out try and coax them but if they still say no then we have to respect their rights x

Hi, sorry I didn't mean to sound like the carers should force people to bath. Its just that from experience I know that some individuals react better to somebody being quite stern and telling them they need to have a shower, wheras others react better to a softer approach. Everyone is different!
Good luck to OP though

ladylumps45

soap dodger;) il have to remember that one!
your mums mouth must make her feel awful with such a build up of plaque etc.no wonder it makes you feel sick,it makes me want to heave now thinking of my mums sweaty,kipper smell and the cottage cheese teeth.:eek:

The_Banker_5

ladylumps45 wrote: »

soap dodger;) il have to remember that one!
your mums mouth must make her feel awful with such a build up of plaque etc.no wonder it makes you feel sick,it makes me want to heave now thinking of my mums sweaty,kipper smell and the cottage cheese teeth.:eek:

I can stomach most things but not the dreaded kipper smell.:D

nearlyrich

I haven't seen this thread before and it's sad that however hard you try to help some elderly people just don't appreciate your actions. And some family members don't pull their weight, you can almost guarantee that when the person dies the one who did everything will be full of guilt and others will think they did all they could, ie visited once every 6 months and had them round for Christmas in 1972.

My Mum needed help with showering for a few years before she died and my middle sister went round two or three times a week to help her, I did it once when my sister was away on holiday and I found it really hard to do. I did other things for her but that was a step too far for me, some people can do the personal care some can't. Fortunately my Mum was lovely and appreciated anything anyone did for her.

Good luck Mrs E sounds like you need a hand from your sisters and from the social services.

gettingbetter

mrse

can i add my best wishes to you
i went through this with my mother in law
not the hygiene but incontince
mil was 90 still living at home (10 miles from me) (sil was 90 miles)
we had to go there evey morning to light her coal fire
she had meals on wheels and i used to cook a meal at night
she had senile dementia and was difficult
she went through her savings.those get quick rich quick schemes (send me £10 i will send you £25000)
as hard as it was in the end i took the hard stand cause i just couldnt cope any more
i told mil in front of the doc and social worker
that she either bucked up her ideas and did as she was told
or i was off and wouldnt be back (doc was gob smacked)
but i had reached the end of my tether

a fort night after my little out burst we got her into a home
where she was till she died in jan this year

maybe now is the time to put yourself first and treat her as you would one of your children
be firm and stick to your guns

my thoughts are with you

kas xx

Marg

MrsE - my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I know first hand how draining caring can be even with co-operative parents (as mine were) but I clearly remember Dad's social worker telling me NOT to become his full time carer as I had to live my own life. I wonder if you might be more appreciated by your Mum if you withdrew your support for a while & even didn't answer your phone to her.

My Mil is now similar to your mum in terms of mental incapacity, no inclination to bathe,(actively refuses!) incontinent, or do anything in the house which stinks as she has 2 cats. MIL's social workers can only suggest bathing & when MIL refuses they are powerless to act.

May I suggest that you get the shopping delivered by Tesco or similar, ordered on line to avoid having to go so frequently, your conscience will then be clear that you have provided for your Mum but can't force her to eat.

I'm so sorry I can't offer more but I hope it helps to know you are not alone.

spirit

caevans wrote: »

Hi, sorry I didn't mean to sound like the carers should force people to bath. Its just that from experience I know that some individuals react better to somebody being quite stern and telling them they need to have a shower, wheras others react better to a softer approach. Everyone is different!
Good luck to OP though

I did some care work visiting people in their homes a couple of years ago. I had a couple of people on my 'round' with dementia and who did not want to be bathed/showered. I wouldn't bully or even be stern with a service-user. My approach was to re-arrange my calls list (if necessary) so that the person would still be in bed. I would let myself in (other carers will know how) and make a cup of tea. I'd take it up to her and say that I'd run the bath whilst she had her tea in bed. Normally we'd have the same conversation about who had said she had to do that and had she agreed to it etc. I would just say that (by then the bath was running) her daughter had arranged it with us and didn't she (the service user) remember I'd said just now that i'd make her tea and then run the bath.

She would then reluctantly agree, if she continued to grumble I would say that it would be a shame to waste all that lovely hot water.

Once in the bath, as long as it is safe to leave them for a minute, I would take the clothes and put them in a bag for the daughter to collect to wash.

It might just be that a different approach is needed?

amilotte

Mrs E, I wonder if you have been in touch with any of the relevant charities in this field (I have not read through whole thread so sorry if this has been mentioned before), They can offer alot of support and advice and may be able to offer some coping strategies/ ways of managing the dificulties that you are experiencing.

nigem

Not sure if your Mum would allow her carers to use some of the water free products that are available. Like lotions or cloths that can be used without being in the bathroom;). I saw in a trader shop in our local hospital. The lady said they were particularly good for people with dementia who often dont like water! I bought some shower cap type things for hair washing that could be useful for camping of festivals. PM me if you want the contact details.
Nigem

ailuro2

spirit - that's a great tactic, might not work on someone who NEVER agrees to have a bath though.

Mrs E - my heart goes out to you. could you have a Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve for your loved ones, then take your mother out somewhere for dinner - somewhere you're never likely to go back to??;)