Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

MrsE_2

ailuro2 wrote: »

Mrs E - my heart goes out to you. could you have a Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve for your loved ones, then take your mother out somewhere for dinner - somewhere you're never likely to go back to??;)

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

My DDs BFs family are part Danish & they celebrate xmas eve big style, so DD goes there.
My family would freak about not having xmas dinner at home.
But nice idea as it is, someone (of us) would still be sat next to her & you couldn't sit next to her & eat:eek:

Valli

sloughflint wrote: »

A sad thread.

you are having a tough time.

FWIW I wouldn't have her at mine for xmas unless she was washed.
Suggestions?

I have none - but I would do nothing for her, if she were mine, unless she either washed/showered or allowed me to wash her. And I would walk in to that flat and open EVERY window.

I used to clean up for my elderly great aunt and uncle (RIP) and 'we' (the family) decided they needed to get rid of their bathroom carpet so my dad was sent round. Now according to THEM there was nothing wrong with the carpet (clearly their sense of smell had deteriorated) so they were planning to keep it and have someone cut it into mats for the kitchen. My dad went round to lift it (the floor was tiled underneath so MUCH easier for me to clean).
And he agreed to put it in the cupboard with the hot water tank until it could be cut down (even though we had asked him to take it to the tip)
I can STILL remember reeling back when I opened the cupboard door one hot bathroom carpet was 'giving off a fragrance'.
I was very cross - the whole flat smelled noxious and I had to drag the carpet outside and open EVERY window!


Doesn't help I know - not all old ladies are dear sweet compliant things who appreciate everything being done for them. They can be crotchety, unreasonable and ungrateful.

nearlyrich

Just laughed at the thought of the carpet in the airing cupboard, I sympathise because my mum never threw anything away no matter how knackered it was.

I spent 8 full weekends clearing clutter to the tip 2 years before she died so we could make the house easier for her to manage. She lived there for 2 years without missing anything I had thrown away or sent to the charity shop.(Size 22 clothes from the 80's for instance she was a size 8 from about 1995 onwards)

Had she been there when I was doing it she would have struggled to throw anything away in case it came in handy later, a sad reminder that older people were brought up in an era of make do and mend not throw away and get another.

lolababy

Sorry have not read all the replies but the best thing you can do is stand back. Its hard but if social services see that she is neglecting herself they have to act. Keep a diary of your visits and note the state of the place and your mums mental and physical state.
Write a letter to her care provider ie social services and outline what you have observed. Carers will not force someone to wash as this is termed a form of abuse.
It sounds as if your mum will need to go into full time care as the dementia is progressive. Its only a matter of time.
Speak to the warden and express your fears over your mums ability to cope. Point out that she is smoking which is a hazard to herself and other residents.
Maybe get in touch with age concern and see if they can offer you some advice.

luxor4t

Valli wrote: »

....not all old ladies are dear sweet compliant things who appreciate everything being done for them. They can be crotchety, unreasonable and ungrateful.

Amen to that! Might I also add 'stubborn to the nth degree and totally convinced they are right despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary'.

Reading this thread I am very very glad that my old camel of a MiL is the other end of the country. Think I'm selfish? Yes, I agree with you - but I am honest.

I take my hat off to OP.

MrsE_2

Well its not really working out. She has been without medication, missed a hospital appointment & twice has been without food essentials

I am not prepared to do it alone (for a woman that blatently prefers my sister & has shown me so all my life) & they won't help.

I texted & said if you won't help just be upfront about it & the SS will have to look into a home (or more supported accomodation).

She cannot shop for herself, she cannot pay bills, she cannot arrange or get to doctors/hospital appointments. She does nothing except sit in a chair smoking & eat what is handed to her.

I got no response to the text.
The social services, doctors, carers, everyone contacts me frequently. I say its my sisters turn for a while please contact them & they say they won't answer letters, messages or return calls so they have no choice but to deal with me (don't think sisters have given work numbers).

MrsE_2

lolababy wrote: »

It sounds as if your mum will need to go into full time care as the dementia is progressive. Its only a matter of time.
Speak to the warden and express your fears over your mums ability to cope. Point out that she is smoking which is a hazard to herself and other residents.
Maybe get in touch with age concern and see if they can offer you some advice.

She had a big burn mark on her tv remote & coffee table, she says it just happened & she wasn't smoking:rolleyes:

Valli

Having read what you put initially I am not in the least surprised it isn't working out MrsE.

Just out of interest when you are contacted by all these agencies/people what are they expecting you to do?
And has anyone mentioned the possibility of haveing her sectioned?
I think it's gone beyond choices now - that burn is a warning signal. Contact SS and say you cannot cope, at all, she clearly cannot cope alone AND is a danger to herself and those around her (re the burn). So it's time she was put into a care home (or similar) for her own good.

MrsE_2

Valli wrote: »

Just out of interest when you are contacted by all these agencies/people what are they expecting you to do?
And has anyone mentioned the possibility of haveing her sectioned?

Take her to the hospital, be at her home with her for an appointment with someone - general arrangements & stuff.
No they haven't. Her dementia is not awful, early days perhaps. I don't think her won't wash or go to socials at her accomodation is down to the dementia, this started before the dementia.

MrsE_2

Valli wrote: »

I think it's gone beyond choices now - that burn is a warning signal. Contact SS and say you cannot cope, at all, she clearly cannot cope alone AND is a danger to herself and those around her (re the burn). So it's time she was put into a care home (or similar) for her own good.

She won't hear of it & sisters won't be honest in front of people about their lack of help. They won't be contactable but if cornered (& I guess they would need to be for this) they will pretend to be dutiful daughters in front of people.
I could try I guess, she doesn't have a social worker anymore as she is classed as stable.