Elderly mother & hygiene & family sharing jobs/care

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Does she have difficulty actually using the shower? Is it adapted for people who are a bit disabled (I know she isn't officially but she might as well be, with the lifestyle she has adopted)?

Is there a bath in the house? Might she find that easier/more appealing?

Is there a seat in the shower, and if so can she reach the controls when sitting on it?

My dad became reluctant to bath (they didn't have a shower), and it turned out that he was frightened of slipping when getting in and out. He did once, damaged his elbow quite badly, and after that he would only kneel in it, which was obviously uncomfortable.

Could you get some equipment from SS? Mum had the a bath seat and a step to help her get in and out, and they also sent a chap to fix a grab rail on the wall, and it made a world of difference.

Perhaps your mum doesn't feel safe but doesn't want to admit it.

She can't use her bath, but she will have a wetroom (with a level floor shower & a seat in it) soon (ish).

There is a communal one of these up the hall for all residents she could use, the carers offer to take her up three mornings per week. But she won't hear of it.

Any time shes been in hospital they have those special safe showers, but she won't get in for them then either.

Her behaviour is just an exaggeration of her less than fastidious habits when she was younger.

spaghetti_monster

Hi there Mrs E, agree with above poster that this is a sad thread and you are really putting up with a lot in an impossible situation.

One thing I think Margaretclare was saying - with the shopping/ fetching things; could you not go round with a few things you think she'll most likely want/need? Rather than go round first, then have to go out and back again IYSWIM. I think you said she doesn't eat much fruit/veg, so if it's stuff that doesn't go off it would be OK??

Just a small thing I know in the grand scheme of things.

MrsE_2

alex_w wrote: »

Hi there Mrs E, agree with above poster that this is a sad thread and you are really putting up with a lot in an impossible situation.

One thing I think Margaretclare was saying - with the shopping/ fetching things; could you not go round with a few things you think she'll most likely want/need? Rather than go round first, then have to go out and back again IYSWIM. I think you said she doesn't eat much fruit/veg, so if it's stuff that doesn't go off it would be OK??

Just a small thing I know in the grand scheme of things.

Its because of the number of times she would want to send me back out again for some random thing that I liked to get a proper list of everything, so that she couldn't do that.
But I've sent the card to my sister now (I texed her the PIN - still no response:rolleyes:). So they can do her jobs/shopping/hospital/outside-agencies apponitments for a while.
My mother has no respect for me either, thats why she wouldn't clean up a little (despite being asked) before I took her out in my car (she embarrased me & my DD could still smell her in my car the next day:mad:) & she chain smokes when I am there doing things for her.
I know its her house, but I'm there getting a shopping list, clearing something out, delivering shopping, being with her while outside-agencies visit & I don't think it would have killed her not to chain smoke & I did ask.

jackieglasgow

As someone from a family with a similar make-up to yours, and who has now "divorced" her parents, I just want to say to you well done. I could never do what you do for your mother, for mine. I noticed in an earlier post someone said that line about how your mother did it for you as a child, and that's true, but as a mother myself, I can say that I do not do anything for my own children, that I would expect anything in return (well, except hugs and kisses!).

Your mother, by your own account, sounds like mine, a pretty crappy one, for whatever reason in her own history, and the fact that you still pursue a relationship with her makes you an incredibly strong woman. You should be proud that you've managed to stomach her this long (emotionally and physically), and should feel no shame in walking away, at least for a wee while.

Although I have a funny feeling that you'll be telling us soon that you just "popped in" to check on her, and noone had been to visit.......

Primrose

I'm really surprised that the care workers allow her to smoke while they are present doing things for her. After all, smoking is officially banned in the workplace now and while they're working there, your mother's home is actually THEIR workplace.
Sometimes there is no other alternative but to withdraw for a while from elderly people who are being exceptionally difficult, for the sake of your own sanity and I do urge you to draw back and consider your own needs. You have been an absolute brick towards your mother and if she's not prepared to be a little bit flexible, then you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

LittleMissAspie

MrsE wrote: »

She could probably make herself toast & a coffee, but she won't, she would rather do without.

She won't even write her own shopping list for me, I have to go around & do it for her.

I'm not really sure what sheltered accommodation means - if you didn't visit anymore and she fainted through lack of food, what would they do? You mentioned this has happened before actually, so did she get taken to hospital or something?

I'm thinking that if you stop sorting out her food and shopping, it might become apparent that she can't/won't cope on her own and then perhaps the threat of going into care will spur her to do some things for herself. Who buys her cigarettes? If they stop would she go out to get them herself?

margaretclare

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

I'm not really sure what sheltered accommodation means - if you didn't visit any more and she fainted through lack of food, what would they do? You mentioned this has happened before actually, so did she get taken to hospital or something?

I'm thinking that if you stop sorting out her food and shopping, it might become apparent that she can't/won't cope on her own and then perhaps the threat of going into care will spur her to do some things for herself. Who buys her cigarettes? If they stop would she go out to get them herself?

Sheltered accommodation means that someone lives in a flat, either bought or rented, and lives as independently as possible but with someone on site, and pull-cords in every room to summon help if needed. The people don't have the worry of home maintenance, gardening etc but in most of these they have own kitchen and bathroom, own front door and own bedroom and sitting-room. They live as independently as they want to or are able to.

One sheltered housing complex DH and I have visited - we have a friend who lives there - is very nice. Most of them are very nice, especially the more modern ones. In the one we visited people can live completely independent lives, but they have afternoon tea in the common-room daily, and if someone doesn't turn up, they'll go along and knock on her door and ask why. There are also usually social events going on. I go to one that has a weekly fitness class, a very energetic one but all sitting on chairs! I asked the manager about them. The flats there cost £90-£100K. In others, they're rented from the council or from a housing association.

In some, it's possible to go down to lunch in the common-room or to have meals-on-wheels brought in. The idea is that people can be as independent as they want or are able to be, but not to be lonely and not to have the responsibilities of keeping up your own home.

MrsE_2

Primrose wrote: »

I'm really surprised that the care workers allow her to smoke while they are present doing things for her. After all, smoking is officially banned in the workplace now and while they're working there, your mother's home is actually THEIR workplace.
Sometimes there is no other alternative but to withdraw for a while from elderly people who are being exceptionally difficult, for the sake of your own sanity and I do urge you to draw back and consider your own needs. You have been an absolute brick towards your mother and if she's not prepared to be a little bit flexible, then you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Shes not susposed to smoke while they are there. If I go there before "anyone" comes in carers/nurses/doctors/social-workers/occu-health ect I won't let her smoke, so its not too bad for them.
But its so bad in there, she chain smokes with the windows all but shut in a tiny flat. I decorated about 2 years ago (painted all through) & its rotton. My home was decorated 3 years ago & looks a million times newer still.

MrsE_2

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

I'm not really sure what sheltered accommodation means - if you didn't visit anymore and she fainted through lack of food, what would they do? You mentioned this has happened before actually, so did she get taken to hospital or something?

I'm thinking that if you stop sorting out her food and shopping, it might become apparent that she can't/won't cope on her own and then perhaps the threat of going into care will spur her to do some things for herself. Who buys her cigarettes? If they stop would she go out to get them herself?

Its a block of flats which just the elderly live in. Everyone has studio & one-bed flats. There is a common room for activities & a warden. But the warden is NOT a carer.
She didn't faith through lack of food because she had none, but because no-one was going in cooking/preparing meals for her & she couldn't be bothered or couldn't prepare them.
If I don't go around & my sisters don't then I doubt she would go shopping, I don't know if she would walk to the shop for fags. She won't do her own shopping list or put her food away when she has me to do it (I would have liked her to do it because I think its really important she does something), but she may go & get fags, I don't know.

k1mmie

My heart goes out to you. I apologise if I am repeating anything already said, but did not have time to read the entire thread before leaving site. I would agree from some of the posts that early on set dementia could be a sign. My mother in law, used to have her own flat. SHe stopped washing and would take off her trousers after having an accident and stick them on the radiator to dry, this did not help from adding to the odour in the room, let alone her. Amongst other things, they finally admitted her one day to a mental health hospital when she would not open the door for the carer to come in . Due to the incompetence in the system and her rights, she was in there for a year and then we found a home for her. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia and early dementia. When she got into the home at first she would not let them bathe her, or take a bath herself. However, as time went on and they got her trust she would allow them to bathe her. So it could be this is the case with your mum. I wish you all the best and good luck and health to you and mum. I do know how hard it can be!