Husband too strict

Zazen999

LonelyLil wrote: »

He would say I am making a rod for my own back. I also dont like atmospheres in front of the kids or to undermine their father.

I dont let my 13 yr old watch 15 films. OH thinks I am being over protective. I would be pretty peed off if he went against what I said and let her watch one.

Don't you think 6 hours crying in her bedroom causes an atmosphere?

What 'punishment' would you have given her if he hadn't intervened?

tightrs

inmypocketnottheirs wrote: »

And I'm not either, but am frequently made to feel so! Truthfully, it is because your DH is fed up with you being put upon!!

you are in my opinion the wisest person on this thread and put my thoughts into words, sometimes i am known as the ogre in the house :eek:
i just do and say things that could be better put and not as harsh on reflection, but being a simple man i wear my heart on my sleeve and like the ops husband i do care

xxdeebeexx

I feel really sad, your husband is missing out on so much.

Instead of punishing DD, maybe, she needs to be taught some strategies on how to remember.

My OH takes the odd day off when the children are at school, and we have a special day together. We should go out on a 'date' but we are happy to spend time at home together.

Life is too short to fall out about a PE kit...............
In 10 years time DD forgetting her kit would have been completely forgotten but with the punishment she was given last night it will be an unhappy memory for ever.

Dx

valos_mummy

Quick question; have you spoken to your daughter since? How does she feel about the whole thing? How has your OH made her feel?

I only ask because I noticed you say she didn't even read a book as your OH had told her not to. Even though he never came to check up on her all night. Now if that was me, I'd have thought !!!!!! it, I'm reading a book and if I hear him coming I'll just put it back. The fact that she doesn't want to make a single wrong move, even though he isn't there to see it, speaks volumes to me.

You might not be scared of him, but she sure as hell is; which is not good news. Controlling someone's behaviour through fear never is.

You didn't want to speak up against his punishment because of putting on a united front. Far enough, do you think he would have done the same if you had set the punishment, even if he did think it was "too soft"? Would he care about undermining you? If the answer's no, you don't have equality when it comes to disciplining your kids - so you need to have some quality alone time and a long chat and get back on the same page. If "soft" is the worst he's going to call you, I'm sure you can hack that.

I think it's a good thing you're more compassionate actually, you need that balance with parents. If you have two softies the kids will a) push you over b) disrespect you. if you have two strict disciplinarians; prepare for your kids to a) go off the rails b) wait till they can leave home and then disown you or c) end up in years of therapy with low self esteem.

If he says "you're too soft", you just say "yes, and it's a good thing because you're too hard so we have the perfect balance".

poet123

I think that you are guilty of doing what I sometimes do,or used to do, and that is going off on one about something trivial and by doing so bringing it to the attention of DH, who then feels he needs to try and resolve the situation for me, and overreacts verbally in his attempts to do so. Situation esacalates and trivial issue becomes major row. Whose fault is it? mine!

It has taken me along time to realise that I am the catalyst for these family rows because, although I dont ask for him to intervene,don't need him to intervene, dont want him to intervene, men see things very differently to women, and think that they are being asked to sort out the issue, when in reality all you wanted to do was have a rant at your daughter and hope she got the message.

Read Men are from Mars women are from Venus for a take on how differently men read any given situation. I see it now between my eldest son and GF too, she is moaning about her hours at work and he is telling her to do xyor z, when really she doesn t want him to find a solution, just to listen......and he really doesn't get that at all.:D

So now,(most of the time,unless I am hormonal:D) I think before I go off on one, is it really worth a huge row, or in the scheme of things is is trivia? and you know what,? ...... it is usually trivia. PE kits going unwashed......wet towels on the floor, no petrol in the car, gym kit left in room etc etc annoying yes, and deserving of a curt mention, but not worth a bad atmosphere, and everyone at each others throats.

If you think it isn't trivia, take a look at the News, and then think again, kids dying in Afghanistan, murders, swine flu, suicides, drugs etc.......

gizmo111

Originally Posted by inmypocketnottheirs
And I'm not either, but am frequently made to feel so! Truthfully, it is because your DH is fed up with you being put upon!!

If that was the case the comments would be different, all teenagers push the limits of laziness (I have 2 aged 16 and 13) but here we are talking about a 13 year old girl forgetting her PE kit - how is that putting upon her mother? She was then sent to her room from 3.30 pm until the next morning and as far as we know wasn't allowed to do anything other than sit and stare at a wall for the 1st 6 hours, and we don't know if she was offered a meal or drink in that time.
The mother says that she is worried he may do it again tonight!

inmypocketnottheirs

tightrs wrote: »

you are in my opinion the wisest person on this thread and put my thoughts into words, sometimes i am known as the ogre in the house :eek:
i just do and say things that could be better put and not as harsh on reflection, but being a simple man i wear my heart on my sleeve and like the ops husband i do care

Simple innit? Not!!!!:beer:

Pee

You raise a really good point about not wanting your daughter to watch 15 certificated films and that your husband backs you on this, even though he doesn't really agree.

I have to say that I don't really agree with that - that I don't see the problem but you do and the two of you as parents had to discuss this and compromise.

liney

My husband's mother you used to do this; bang on about trivial things infront of their father who would dutifully get his belt out, and be the punisher. 30 minuites later she'd be upstairs agreeing with them what a bad man he was.

Later when he was older it became X hasn't paid his board this week .... except it would be Payday Friday PM and he'd not been back home after work yet. Or X has left his washing in the machine .... Trivial tittle tattle.

As a child he hated his father for his behavior. As an adult he hates his Mother for manipulating the behavior and allowing it to happen.

If you don't agree with your husband's technique then you need to get in there first and dish out an appropriate punishment and then he won't feel he needs to step in. And stop complaining in front of him; he thinks he needs to rescue you.

pollyanna24

I have only read the first page of this thread, so apologies if I am going over old ground.

I read the original post and I could see my bf's dad in your husband. He was so strict with his four kids (their mum left when bf was 18 - I started going out with him when he was 19). He used to ground them for such ridiculous things. One that I remember was the youngest (10 at the time) left his school blazer on the bannister when he first came in from school. And there were others, loads of others, that were just plain silly.

The upshot is that this man now has very little to do with his kids. They are all spread over Europe and don't really speak to him. My bf (now 29) hasn't spoken to him in over 10 years for a petty silly thing.

The sad thing is that I (and a few other members of mine and bf's family) can see my bf turning into his father with our daughter. The way he acts and his mannerisms. Hoping I can nip it in the bud, but seeing as my bf is a SAHD, I'm not sure I'll be able to.

On the point of the PE kit, when I was younger and if I didn't bring it home, well then I had to wear it the next time for PE, with it stinking from not being washed. That was enough to make me remember to bring it home next time!