Husband too strict

Any

LonelyLil wrote: »

That isnt showing a united front and is wrong. If he has already given a punishment I have to stand by it.

Have you tried to agree with him on levels of punishment? Reasonably? Does he dismiss you?

robpw2

Lydia82 wrote: »

I don't really think it's your place to decide what's more important to the OP, she's come on here asking for advice, and so far all I can see is that you think maybe divorce is the answer, or perhaps what you're leading to.

Yes, my parents were strict and my dad still is, I'm 26 and have a baby of my own. They gave us boundaries and we learnt not to cross them. Like some others have said, it may have just been their way of telling us off for something when we did nothing 'bad'.

I agree that sending a 13 year old to her room for forgetting her PE kit is a little OTT but we don't know what kind of day he may have had, it may have just been the final straw. When my dad was particularly stressed we'd get it in the neck about all sorts of stuff. It wasn't until I was in my 20s and told him what he used to do that he realised what he'd been doing, he was quite upset when I told him, which has now brought us closer together.

not all advice is what people want to hear i havent suggested divorce but i have siad that she needs to work out what her priorties

robpw2

op what would you think would have been an appropriate punishemnt?
perhaps what may be a good idea is to write a letter to your partner and tell him how you felt this punishment was a bit harsh and whilst you supported him last night you think next time he could perhaps allow her to read , or that you feel that "this" would be a more suitable punishment

that why whilst your both calm perhaps you can discuss it better and come to some kind of unity on what you believe to be the best punishment or if you think ones nesscary

what im trying to say is its no good standing by something you dont agree with ..

gizmo111

LonelyLil wrote: »

I find your comparision quite insulting. My husband has never raised his hand to me or the children.

It is not best to stay with an abuser, but my husband is far from that.

Just because he isnt physically violent doesn't mean he isn't an abuser.
You say you're scared of him, hide in another room from him rather than discuss your daughter's punishment, and that you don't want to poor. You also say that you don't know what to do if he does it again tonight.

Cash isn't the only thing that makes you rich, and being emotionally bankrupt is far more difficult to deal with in the long term than a few late bills.
I'm not really sure what you want to hear - your husband is not strict he is bullying and emotionally detatched from his children.

I asked in a previous post - did you give your daughter a meal and drink last night , and comfort her in any way? If you were upset about the punishement why didn't you talk to your husband about it? How often does he behave like this?
Also your user name on here speaks volumes to me - why did you choose it?

minimacka

Lonelylil, was this a one off?

Sometimes we do go off on one with our kids (i know i do over silly things and then I regret it) and then my oh gets involved and i think oh no its not really that bad but by then my oh doesnt want to be seen to do nothing and sometimes he overreacts.

I think all this talk of leaving your husband when really its just a minor family dispute is terrible, are we in a society today when we dont pull together and work things through, yes your oh went way over the top in my mind with his punishment but cant this be worked out. You seem to be a lovely family and you say that your oh loves you very much so why does it have to be so extreme as to leave him. Many children dont come from loving homes.

Bringing up kids isnt easy nowadays, but your dd seems to have been brought up well, with good morals, which is more than some kids. At each stage in a childs development we have to adjust our way of dicipline, your dd has gone to the next stage being a teenager, and in society today teenagers are thought to be unruly. Many arnt like this but because we want our kids to be good and stay on the straight and narrow then we might up our punshment just to show them that maybe there friends are unruly and get away with unacceptable attitude this but they are not going to do.

We all have different thoughts on whats unruly to some parents smoking maybe acceptable but to others this isnt. Maybe your oh seems some of her friends doing things that arnt acceptable in his eyes and he doesnt want your daughter to follow suit so by punishing her so much for such a minor fault he thinks that it might put her off from doing other more unacceptable things.

Its all about talking and compromise, if we cant do this as a family and sort things out then there isnt much hope in the future.

I truly hope that you sort this minor problem out.

inmypocketnottheirs

Here's my take on the situation FWIW.

OH is not happy in his work environment and is suffering a degree of stress. Every one has a level that they can cope with, and sometimes that level gets exceeded and over reactions occur.

What is probably happening here (and I speak from experience) is that the OH feels that the mother does far too much for the kids (and often they do!!) and he just feels that the DD is not considering the problems her continually not bringing the kit home causes. After all if it wasn't a problem then the OP wouldn't have raised the issue.

Us men (not all, but a significant proportion) are to 'wired' to solve the problem, i.e. by using discipline to prevent the situation occurring again, when often all is required is a bit of understanding.

I speak from the point of having two boys, 8 & 10, whose mother (my wife) does absolutely everything for them, and in my opinion they get away with too much. And this often causes a similar scenario to what the OP has explained. I am not justifying it, excusing it, attempting to diminish the OP's feelings, just simply trying to explain why perhaps the husband/father is reacting in the way he has.

A final word is to say that by and large we are products of our environment and more often than not we react in the same way as our parents did when we were growing up - the nature/nuture effect. It amazes me how I hate myself when I hear myself saying/doing the things that my father did when I was a child.

Parenthood is a tough job, and there's no manual for it. 'Nuff said!

robpw2

gizmo111 wrote: »

Just because he isnt physically violent doesn't mean he isn't an abuser.
You say you're scared of him, hide in another room from him rather than discuss your daughter's punishment, and that you don't want to poor. You also say that you don't know what to do if he does it again tonight.

Cash isn't the only thing that makes you rich, and being emotionally bankrupt is far more difficult to deal with in the long term than a few late bills.
I'm not really sure what you want to hear - your husband is not strict he is bullying and emotionally detatched from his children.

I asked in a previous post - did you give your daughter a meal and drink last night , and comfort her in any way? If you were upset about the punishement why didn't you talk to your husband about it? How often does he behave like this?
Also your user name on here speaks volumes to me - why did you choose it?

yes i believe that emotional and mental abuse seem to go "unpunished" and yet often can cause bigger scars

i agree with your comment about being rich

again im not suggesting the ops partner is abusing anyone

Pee

I was sent to my room early and told not to read when I was young for similiar offences. I thought in hind sight it was just to encourage me to read more...

I don't think your husband's way of discipling the children is "wrong" and I do think that a united front is the best way forward and that you and your husband had a life together before having children whom you have chosen to raise together and will hopefully be together after you have raised those children. Your husband also has some issues regarding his work and stress levels which may be impairing his ability to deal with teenagers.

Is it possible for you to have some time together without the children? Could someone look after them for you to have a weekend away? Do you feel that you can discuss with him your concerns and really talk about it so that together you can agree appropriate punishments, possibly along the lines of go to your room whilst we decide your punishment.

You have said that you aren't at all concerned that he would physically hurt you or the children and I am relying on that in the answer I have given above.

It isn't his money that is relevant, you and the children could manage without that, but the fact that this is the man you love and chose to have children with. Lots of things in your lives to date must have been a compromise and their discipline needs to be too.

Any

minimacka wrote: »

Lonelylil, was this a one off?

Sometimes we do go off on one with our kids (i know i do over silly things and then I regret it) and then my oh gets involved and i think oh no its not really that bad but by then my oh doesnt want to be seen to do nothing and sometimes he overreacts.

I think all this talk of leaving your husband when really its just a minor family dispute is terrible, are we in a society today when we dont pull together and work things through, yes your oh went way over the top in my mind with his punishment but cant this be worked out. You seem to be a lovely family and you say that your oh loves you very much so why does it have to be so extreme as to leave him. Many children dont come from loving homes.

Bringing up kids isnt easy nowadays, but your dd seems to have been brought up well, with good morals, which is more than some kids. At each stage in a childs development we have to adjust our way of dicipline, your dd has gone to the next stage being a teenager, and in society today teenagers are thought to be unruly. Many arnt like this but because we want our kids to be good and stay on the straight and narrow then we might up our punshment just to show them that maybe there friends are unruly and get away with unacceptable attitude this but they are not going to do.

We all have different thoughts on whats unruly to some parents smoking maybe acceptable but to others this isnt. Maybe your oh seems some of her friends doing things that arnt acceptable in his eyes and he doesnt want your daughter to follow suit so by punishing her so much for such a minor fault he thinks that it might put her off from doing other more unacceptable things.

Its all about talking and compromise, if we cant do this as a family and sort things out then there isnt much hope in the future.

I truly hope that you sort this minor problem out.

I agree with you in general.
However the OP started telling us that she is scared what he is going to do next and reduces her to tears...

The OP still didn't say whether she can even talk to him.

Everyone has got different opinions - you think it was way over the top where I think for example that if she does it repeatedly and just talking to her (DD) didn't help so far the punishment wasn't that excessive.

And that is what it comes down to - communication.

The OP is giving us mixed messages. I don't think anyone can come up with something constructive until we have some more answers..

merlin68

I was not saying that, emotional abuse is no different to any other form.
I wouldnt even bother about pe kits i have 2 teenagers, if the pe kits come home they do if they dont so what.
They bring them home when they want.
At my youngests school they only get bought home in the holidays, its no big deal.
Certainly not worth a punishment.