Husband too strict

robpw2

LonelyLil wrote: »

Yes you make a very good point.


She didnt know that though so she didnt read or anything as he told her not to.

could you not have gone in and said to her that she could read a book ?

merlin68

My dad was like this to us when he we were growing up, my sister left home at 18 to go to university in sheffield, then she moved to scotland and never cam back.
I have no relationship with him either, i still at 41 remember everything he done.
I was home late one night and he waited until i had crept upstairs and kicked me on the floor.
My sister he dragged upstairs by her hair and pulled her earing out and she had a handprint round her face.
another night i couldnt get a taxi and rang to say and i was locked out for the night and had to sleep in the garage.
We used to dread mealtime as he was at his worse on table manners and once tried to get us to eat an apple with a knife and fork, another time he hit the table so hard that a glass of coke flew up and smashed on the c eiling.
Theres lots more but you get the drift.
Even though this seemed to be acceptable in the 70's. it has still affected me and my sister and we both suffer from panic attacks and low self esteem and depression.
So its not always best to stay with someone.

Any

jinky67 wrote: »

I would be mightly pee'd off if my kids forgot their P.E as well. Surely they are of an age where they are expected to take resonsibility for themselves?

They are his kids as well:rolleyes:

From what the OP said - "yes she forgets her PE kit very often" I get the feeling that the DD really did push few too many buttons and made him snap.

Just because children are not doing drugs doesn't mean they can get away with everything.. That is real extreme.

I do think that the OP needs to speak to the husband and come to an agreement.

Note: And I would snap as well, if it was few too many times. He did not hit her. And surely if she came downstairs and appologised and promised she will remember now to bring it home every time he would have softened up.

Blackpool_Saver

The very fact that you are posting on here about it rather than discussing it with him shows you are afraid to, he sounds like a controlling bully, you say he treats you with kindness and respect yet you hide your tears from him in another room, be very careful as your kids will see you in as bad a light as him if this continues.

foreign_correspondent

Maybe a course designed to help parents deal with teenagers would help? I presume your husband would probably resist this if he feels it is directed at him, but if you could find one locally ad say you would like to go, and it would be great if he could support you by going along too, that would be useful.

It is useful for parents to show a united front, and to agree on what is acceptable or not, and how to deal with behaviour you dislike - if you and your husband are miles apart on these issues, your kids will realise, and this does not generally lead to good outcomes long term - they will soon realise its best to avoid all communication with dad, and deal with you instead, and this can leave you in a difficult position.

Also, much as your husband has learned this bullying behaviour from his dad, your kids are learning it from him, and it will shape how they deal with people, and what they expect from relationships in the future.

If he deals with minor things so striclty, how will he deal with it if/when a biggie happens? He needs to consider that if his children are afraid of him, they will not trust him, talk to him about their worries, and may conceal things from him.

Maybe he does not know any other way to discipline them, and is so scared of them going off the rails that he is being rather too heavy handed?

Parentline plus may have some ideas which could help you:
http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/

This website may also be useful:
http://www.gotateenager.org.uk/

Many local organisations run courses like SPOT (supporting parents of teenagers) and strengthening families, which are generally highly rated by parents who have taken part! It may be worth doing a bit of investigating!

Mme.Hibou

robpw2 wrote: »

in that case you neef a comprimise .. you either accept his behaviour or you do something about it .

i guess its a case of whats more important ?

I don't really think it's your place to decide what's more important to the OP, she's come on here asking for advice, and so far all I can see is that you think maybe divorce is the answer, or perhaps what you're leading to.

Yes, my parents were strict and my dad still is, I'm 26 and have a baby of my own. They gave us boundaries and we learnt not to cross them. Like some others have said, it may have just been their way of telling us off for something when we did nothing 'bad'.

I agree that sending a 13 year old to her room for forgetting her PE kit is a little OTT but we don't know what kind of day he may have had, it may have just been the final straw. When my dad was particularly stressed we'd get it in the neck about all sorts of stuff. It wasn't until I was in my 20s and told him what he used to do that he realised what he'd been doing, he was quite upset when I told him, which has now brought us closer together.

LonelyLil

robpw2 wrote: »

could you not have gone in and said to her that she could read a book ?

That isnt showing a united front and is wrong. If he has already given a punishment I have to stand by it.

Nicki

merlin68 wrote: »

My dad was like this to us when he we were growing up, my sister left home at 18 to go to university in sheffield, then she moved to scotland and never cam back.
I have no relationship with him either, i still at 41 remember everything he done.
I was home late one night and he waited until i had crept upstairs and kicked me on the floor.
My sister he dragged upstairs by her hair and pulled her earing out and she had a handprint round her face.
another night i couldnt get a taxi and rang to say and i was locked out for the night and had to sleep in the garage.
We used to dread mealtime as he was at his worse on table manners and once tried to get us to eat an apple with a knife and fork, another time he hit the table so hard that a glass of coke flew up and smashed on the c eiling.
Theres lots more but you get the drift.
Even though this seemed to be acceptable in the 70's. it has still affected me and my sister and we both suffer from panic attacks and low self esteem and depression.
So its not always best to stay with someone.

This is nothing like what OP's husband has done!

There is a middle ground between no discipline/sanctions for poor behaviour whatsoever, and extreme violent abusive sanctions for poor behaviour. Neither approach is correct.

You cannot say that because your father was violent and abusive which has led to mental health problems in the future for you, that no parent should ever sanction their child. A lot of people (of which I am one) would regard sending a child to their room, or removing privileges for a period, to be an appropriate sanction for poor behaviour which would not cause any psychological harm to the child. The issue here is whether the behaviour was worthy of any sanction at all (Imo - yes) and if so, whether the length of time of the sanction was appropriate for the seriousness of the misdemeanour (which is more debatable again imo)

LonelyLil

merlin68 wrote: »

My dad was like this to us when he we were growing up, my sister left home at 18 to go to university in sheffield, then she moved to scotland and never cam back.
I have no relationship with him either, i still at 41 remember everything he done.
I was home late one night and he waited until i had crept upstairs and kicked me on the floor.
My sister he dragged upstairs by her hair and pulled her earing out and she had a handprint round her face.
another night i couldnt get a taxi and rang to say and i was locked out for the night and had to sleep in the garage.
We used to dread mealtime as he was at his worse on table manners and once tried to get us to eat an apple with a knife and fork, another time he hit the table so hard that a glass of coke flew up and smashed on the c eiling.
Theres lots more but you get the drift.
Even though this seemed to be acceptable in the 70's. it has still affected me and my sister and we both suffer from panic attacks and low self esteem and depression.
So its not always best to stay with someone.

I find your comparision quite insulting. My husband has never raised his hand to me or the children.

It is not best to stay with an abuser, but my husband is far from that.

Any

Lydia82 wrote: »

I don't really think it's your place to decide what's more important to the OP, she's come on here asking for advice, and so far all I can see is that you think maybe divorce is the answer, or perhaps what you're leading to.

Yes, my parents were strict and my dad still is, I'm 26 and have a baby of my own. They gave us boundaries and we learnt not to cross them. Like some others have said, it may have just been their way of telling us off for something when we did nothing 'bad'.

I agree that sending a 13 year old to her room for forgetting her PE kit is a little OTT but we don't know what kind of day he may have had, it may have just been the final straw. When my dad was particularly stressed we'd get it in the neck about all sorts of stuff. It wasn't until I was in my 20s and told him what he used to do that he realised what he'd been doing, he was quite upset when I told him, which has now brought us closer together.

I agree with you all the way appart from the beginning... Sorry but Rob had given very good suggestions just like you.

The OP either makes the situation look worse then it is or there are issues with his behaviour.