Husband too strict

LonelyLil

robpw2 wrote: »

but i would agree with the previous op that perhaps the real problem is your relationships

i

We get on great when the kids arent here. Honestly he is like a different person. Selfishly I am putting my marriage before my kids as he will be living here a lot longer than they will and I love him to bits. I think he has a real problem bonding with them.

robpw2

LonelyLil wrote: »

We get on great when the kids arent here. Honestly he is like a different person. I think he has a real problem bonding with them and that is his problem.

ok so are they his kids?
i assume that he is not otherwise i would suggest that he had some big issues if hes not managed to bond with your daughter after 13 years

maybe you should try and get them to bond find some thing that dad and dd can do where they need to work together .

LonelyLil

robpw2 wrote: »

ok so are they his kids?
i assume that he is not otherwise i would suggest that he had some big issues if hes not managed to bond with your daughter after 13 years

maybe you should try and get them to bond find some thing that dad and dd can do where they need to work together .

Yes they are his kids and yes I do think he has issues. Tried the bonding thing, they just end up fighting.

minimacka

When you have good children who are like yours and do nothing really wrong, sometimes we tell them off for silly things, my children are like yours they are really good boys (12, 16) they have good maners the eldest doesnt stay out late, smoke, drink or use bad language. My eldest puts his music on loud on a night time and this really winds my oh up, we get up early on a morning so we both need our sleep, my oh has a right go at ds1 for this and then he turns it down. I think that he is within his rights to do this because no punishment is dished out other than just being "told off". What i am trying to say but not very sucessfully is that we as parents sometimes feel the need to tell our children off for something however trivial it may seem, just to keep them on the straight and narrow, but i do think that 6 hours punishment for forgetting a pe kit is very extreme, yes your dd forgot her pe kit but for goodness sake she is a teenager and they have a lot of other things on there mind at that age.

I think that i would have a word with your oh and just tell him that you think he was well out of order in the punishment that he gave her and that maybe you could send her to her room for a short while and both discuss what punishment (if any) she should have.

My oh is a wonderfull dad but does interpret some of the things my ds1 does at a challenge to him when all i see is him being a teenager, he shrugs his shoulders sometimes. This really winds my oh up but i talk to him and say come on he isnt being disrescpectful he is just being a teenager. I usually copy my ds1 and we end up laughing.

Life is too short to punish a 13 year old for 6 hours for forgetting her pe kit, some 13 year olds are out all night, taking drugs, drinking alcohol and having sex.

LonelyLil

minimacka wrote: »

I think that i would have a word with your oh and just tell him that you think he was well out of order in the punishment that he gave her and that maybe you could send her to her room for a short while and both discuss what punishment (if any) she should have.

That is a great idea!

minimacka wrote: »

Life is too short to punish a 13 year old for 6 hours for forgetting her pe kit, some 13 year olds are out all night, taking drugs, drinking alcohol and having sex.

Yes my friends DD has had an abortion and she is only 14.

gizmo111

LonelyLil wrote: »

he will be living here a lot longer than they will .

:eek:
Not if he was my husband.

At the end of the day you have a duty to protect your children from harm, you say you are scared of his moods and he over reacts to the kids, sending a child to her room for her silly mistake is way over the top of a proportionate punisihment. Did she have any tea, or was she left without food and drink for all that time as well? The child must have felt totally stupid and worthless left like that. Did you comfort her? Instead of not speaking to him, why didn't you discuss it and let her down after a short while? Is this the first time he has done it, or is it a regular occurrence?

LonelyLil

gizmo111 wrote: »

:eek:
Not if he was my husband.

At the end of the day you have a duty to protect your children from harm,

Yes but dont I also have a duty to bring them up in a marriage. We would be in poverty if I left their dad. Surely that is wrong also.

Did I not vow "for better or worse" or do most people ignore that part?

I think leaving would do more harm than good.

pulliptears

Lil, you said further back in the thread that your OH's father was a bully, maybe his behaviour is because he knows no different? Have you considering having some teenager bonding time? Perhaps get your OH to take them out for an afternoon? Something as dull as a fishing trip can get them sat down and talking.

Perhaps he is scared as he doesnt know how to deal with these kids. Its hard accepting beautiful babies have been replaced by big teenagers.

I agree wholly with minimacka, my 2 are 11 and 16 and never been a moments trouble. I've very often snapped at DS for the stupidest thing and then sat back and considered just how lucky I am.

robpw2

LonelyLil wrote: »

Yes but dont I also have a duty to bring them up in a marriage. We would be in poverty if I left their dad. Surely that is wrong also.

I think leaving would do more harm than good.

you dont need money to make a childs life better
many do great jobs on here without money

im not saying that leaving him wont cause upset etc and maybe a few financial difficulties
you may think that being married is best for you children but ( il tell you something) your children will be more affected by your pretending all is rosy and the fear then they will be of you being strong and doing what best for YOU and for them


i appreciate you may think you have a duty to your marriage but you also have a duty to your children

Did I not vow "for better or worse" or do most people ignore that part?

you also vowed to love honour and obey ... doesnt seem like your doing that either .. you dont like the fact that he believes what he says go's

gizmo111

LonelyLil wrote: »

Yes but dont I also have a duty to bring them up in a marriage. We would be in poverty if I left their dad. Surely that is wrong also.

I think leaving would do more harm than good.

No duty to bring them up in a marriage - the duty is to protect from harm, in an emotionally warm and stable environment. Money can be sorted/earned/managed and being poor isn't harmful in itself - emotional abuse can have long lasting irreversable effects.
This of course depends on how often he dishes out this sort of punishment, and as you say he doesn't seem to be very close or interested in the children anyhow.
Have you spoke to your children about their relationship with him?