Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

gorgeous_gwen

I really don't know. I think about it and I think, well he was all for getting married when we first spoke about it. But then he's never really produced anything concrete, like a when, or an engagement ring, and the only time we've come anywhere near discussing possibilities is when I've brought it up, and even then he's NEVER been able to come up with a date or even a year, just vague "in a few years" type comments

I think it may be a case of the idea is good but the reality is something different, but I don't really know why.

Katie-Kat-Kins

lynzpower wrote: »

Iam totally in love with my OH. He is the most wonderful man, he is everything women complain their man is not, he ispositive, proactive, opern to change, supportive, kind, generous, does more of his fair share, hard working, romantic :j:jI have really dropped vvvvv lucky

i propsed to him within a few weeks of meeting him and we started living together immediately ( we had been living together a few days before I proposed, all v quick, I knew I wouldnt be able to live without him)

We are here now just pased our 4th anniversary of meeting, we are still dedicated, all the more than ever.

We did think about getting married, after all thats the intention when you are engaged.

My parents have no money to support a wedding. If we had a wedding the guest list we started with has over 120 guests ( family and a few freinds we both have huge families) The cheapest wedding we have been able to price is about 6k including one ly one catered meal ( ie no evening do) I am not getting married in Brixton registry office without my family there, my family woud be 100% DEVASTATED if I didnt invite them because we couldnt afford it.

I dont want to get married witohut special people there to "see me off" and nor doesd OH. We firmly believe its the merging of families, and you cant do that without the families being there.

We will only do it the once, and there is no chance im doing it with a few stangers in a reg office so more strangers can tell that hes important to me and im important to him.

If the oney fell out of the sky Id do it tomorrow, but we are more concerned with ensuring we have enough moeny for me to stop working for a while to raise our first baby , rather than one day of feeding family and buying flowers

IS this wrong, really??

So get married at the registry office with all your family in attendance and then go down the pub afterwards, costs the same as getting married with just two witnesses unless you decide to buy a round!

Seriously go on you and your wedding there are people on there who have been able to have a wedding for less than £1000. If it is important to you you can make it happen. A marriage is about the joining of two people and their families not about dresses and flowers and meals and discos etc.

If you would rather wait for a big wedding then fine but you don't have to if marriage is that important to you.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Odette wrote: »

I would love to get married eventually but I think its the wedding part that scares me! I would much rather just go get married by ourselves and then just have a party, no speaches or anythiung like that, just a good knees up! Then go on holiday. The act of getting married has turned into such a hoopla with people trying to out do each other or make the day 'perfect' or 'fairy tale' like, it just seems slightly mental.

So do that! you don't need a big wedding, a wedding can be what ever you want it to be and the wedding part should not be the crucial factor in deciding to marry.

lynzpower

KatP wrote: »

So get married at the registry office with all your family in attendance and then go down the pub afterwards, costs the same as getting married with just two witnesses unless you decide to buy a round!

Seriously go on you and your wedding there are people on there who have been able to have a wedding for less than £1000. If it is important to you you can make it happen. A marriage is about the joining of two people and their families not about dresses and flowers and meals and discos etc.

If you would rather wait for a big wedding then fine but you don't have to if marriage is that important to you.

Slightly OT but I ahvent been able to find a registry office that holds more than 110 people

Bogof_Babe

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I really don't know. I think about it and I think, well he was all for getting married when we first spoke about it. But then he's never really produced anything concrete, like a when, or an engagement ring, and the only time we've come anywhere near discussing possibilities is when I've brought it up, and even then he's NEVER been able to come up with a date or even a year, just vague "in a few years" type comments

I think it may be a case of the idea is good but the reality is something different, but I don't really know why.

I think in your heart of hearts you know you are just making excuses for him now. Everything you've told us indicates that he has no intention of ever taking the marriage plunge, and he is now starting to squirm because he feels he is being pushed into a corner. If he wanted to marry, he would at least be amenable to giving some sort of commitment.

I really wouldn't hold your breath on this one. He will have to have a complete about face in his attitude before any progress is made, and from where I'm observing that seems less likely than me winning the lottery.

Would you stay with him if he categorically told you that he had no intention of marrying you? It's your own feelings and options you need to be sorting out now.

ceridwen

Oh dear...sorry to hear that Gwen...that conversation didnt exactly rate as positive in my book either.

But - to reframe it - it IS positive in another context - as in that you now know how the land lies/where you stand. In ANY situation - relationships or otherwise - its the not knowing that I think personally is the biggest bugbear. Once one knows how things are - then you can plan accordingly.

I guess the plan in this case is to work on sorting out your own personal financial stability - ie try to get your own personal income situation sorted out/try to get some savings behind you and start looking around at housing options. I think it wouldnt be wise to tell O.H. that this is what you are doing - its your "fall back plan" if he doesnt turn round in the next few weeks and come over all contrite/upset at the thought of losing you. But - be prepared for the fact that you may have to put that fall back plan into action - as its either that or accept that he wants to continue with the status quo (ie just living with you). (I'm just thinking that I personally would feel that the analogous situation is the "material world" one of "how does one work out a budget if you dont know how much money is coming into the household?". Answer - you cant - you cant plan - you just live in hope there will be enough income for your needs and more if you're lucky. I personally would feel "right - I now know how much emotional 'capital' there is on the table - not enough for marriage it seems. Now just how important or otherwise IS that to me?" and plan accordingly.)

You cant alter what he wants/plans/feels - but you can work out what you yourself want/plan/feel - now that IS under your control.

Good luck - and congratulations on being brave enough to work on sorting this out.

Katie-Kat-Kins

QUOTE=Almo;

I've been wondering a few things, reading this thread, and wonder if some of those who are strongly in favour of marriage could answer them Of Course!

Do you believe that people who are not married are in a weaker relationship than those who are? And if so, is the cause of that strength marriage itself or the two people who chose to get married? I believe that if the relationship is strong then they should have no reason not to marry, and that their refusal to marry is indicative that the relationship may not be as strong as they would perhaps like others to believe. Marriage itself will not make a relationship succeed but taking the step of getting married is a strong indication that you do not wish the relationship to fail as you accept that it will become more difficult to dissolve. Also a married couple are more likely to make attempts to save a relationship in difficulty because of the declarations they have made and because of the difficulties of divorce.

Would you prefer (particularly those who have alluded to religion - Mely you were one) that people get married just to appease society? To my non-religious mind that is disrespectful to those who are religious. No no one should marry just for society, they should do it because they believe that it is right for their relationship and to get the benefits that being married confers. Marriage is not a purely religious state, in fact a marriage can be entirely non-religious and has non-religious benefits and meanings.

I'm just interested in the answers in order that I can understand where you're coming from. I understand the desire to be married within a relationship, but it is harder for me to understand the desire to have the rest of society behave in the same way as me . To be honest I can't understand why in a genuinely committed relationship someone would not wish to have the benefits of marriage, I think that most people who shun marriage either do not understand the legal implications or are making excuses. I have no problem with couples living together unmarried but wish that they would be honest about their reasons or take the time to understand the implications. I think the battle the same sex couples have had to be able to have a legal marriage just goes to show that marriage is so much more than a piece of paper or a name change or even an excuse for a party.

These are genuine questions, I'm not trying to get at anyone :beer: Didn't think you were, hope the answers help!

Katie-Kat-Kins

lynzpower wrote: »

Slightly OT but I ahvent been able to find a registry office that holds more than 110 people

might cost you a touch more then if you have to go to an approved venue. Or if you fancy a church wedding they will pack more than that in and often are not more expensive if you don't have all the optional extras!

Or you could trim the guest list for the ceremony and tell everyone that they are welcome at the pub after!

Bogof_Babe

Excellent post #188 KatP, exactly says how I see it myself.

This thread has been a bit of an eye-opener, as MSE has had many such discussions, but from the angle of live-ins who say they don't want to get married, don't feel the need, see the point etc. I think this is the first thread where several women in this situation have actually admitted that they would like the security of a ring on their finger.

I've always suspected that even those in the other camp secretly wish their partner would pop the question, but they brave it out as it doesn't seem likely to happen.

ceridwen

- or you could think "blow having a religious venue or possibly grotty registry office" and choose a very different setting.....


....personally I like the idea of a beautiful natural setting - water/mountains (well okay hills anyway....:D) - basically a romantic natural setting - no problem at all then about enough room for the numbers. Just a question of tell them all "bring your umbrellas - you know what British weather is like...". A (suitably-decorated) church hall or equivalent venue afterwards (greenery/candles/etc) and "bobs your uncle/fanny is your aunt".....sorted....cheap/natural/romantic/quick/not too much hassle (with friends/relatives roped in to help prepare the refreshments). Change from a £1,000 and a good time was had by all - and the relatives were still left gasping a bit at finding out that they'd been to a self-designed wedding that veered somewhere half way between humanist and pagan....