Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Katie-Kat-Kins

Argh gwen stop playing games!!!

You are really being your own worst enemy now. Poor guy probably doesn't know whether he's coming or going and you seem to have changed your mind about everything!!!

Stop texting and being cryptic. It is no wonder he claims not to have discussed things with you, you are referring back to odd texts and snatched conversations at inappropriate times.

Read my last post, face the issue head on and deal with it. Face up to the fact you may not get exactly what you want, but surely some certainty is better that being eaten up with anxiety. Either that or shut up about marriage, forget about it and get on with the life you have made for yourselves. That way if he proposes it will be a wonderful surprise but if not then you are just getting on with your life as planned.

gorgeous_gwen

:o:oComments duly noted!

Yes I was hoping that text may have some effect- but also it was because I am fed up of thinking about it. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes! I want what Dinah93 mentioned- and I know I'm not going to get that going on and on and on... I need headspace to be me free of worrying and mithering him, whether he's responsive or not. Hopefully when we eventually talk about it again we'll both be in a better, clearer place and he won't refuse to talk/"give in" to anything because he feels pressured, but will talk freely/act freely.

gorgeous_gwen

Just wanted to say thanks again for the straight talking.

I realised I'm looking for something from him that's not just him saying he wants to get married. I've somewhere along the line linked being married to my self-esteem; that is, if he loves me and wants to be with me then he would want to arrange being married. I look round at lots of our friends who are the same age and married and think, I want that with him and why don't I have it or am planning towards it?

I asked him last week; if I'd have said we had to be married before we say, slept together or moved in, would he have done that? And the answer was a resounding 'yes'. I feel I've shot myself in the foot.

I know he loves me, he is a great boyfriend, he really pulls his weight within the house, works hard and is a great dad to baby. He treats me great- in fact now we've had baby and settled into things our relationship is actually better than ever.

A friend of his in front of everyone recently asked him now we've had baby, why hasn't he made me his wife? All he could do was smile, look embarrassed and say he didn't really know

Another friend of ours is getting married soon and she phoned me up last night. Boyf knows her hubby-to-be and we chatted about it after but the whole time I was so conscious he'd think I had an ulterior motive, or that I was talking about weddings again, and so on, I was so careful about what I was saying

Despite that though now I've resolved not to worry about it, I feel a lot better. I am getting some perspective back slowly lol!

Bogof_Babe

It almost sounds to me as if he is marriage phobic. What is his family background? Did his parents split up or have a lot of rows? Were they even married?

gorgeous_gwen

Parents divorced when he was very young. Lived with his mum and had a few hours a week with his dad, quite sparse from what I can gather. He does get on with them both and see them both now.

I was churned up when he said about how if I'd said I wanted us to be married before we moved in etc that he would have. I was utterly surprised- I honestly didn't believe it at first. But it could be just words- although I can't see any reason why he'd make that up, not that it matters right now.

It's actually crazy when I think about it- he's as I said, a great boyfriend and father and it seems stupid that I've gotten myself so wound up about it when everything else is fine really!

Bogof_Babe

He might be "a great boyfriend and father", but it is quite reasonable to hanker for a great husband and father, especially due to his status, i.e. the "father" bit.

He will always be your child's father, but as your "boyfriend" that does have a ring of impermanence about it, and you quite rightly feel that as his child's mother you deserve the officialness and stability of being his wife, not his girlfriend.

As for saying "of course", well he knows that you'll never be able to prove otherwise as you can't turn the clock back. He probably believes it himself, with hindsight, but how did it never cross his mind at the time?

The divorced parents aspect is a big clue as to the possible cause of his reluctance. It will have given him the impression that marriage is no more "forever" than what you have now, and explains why he keeps on saying it wouldn't change anything.

I'm getting the vibe that you will either have to genuinely accept the status quo, maybe for several years or even the rest of your life, or keep nagging him and ultimately drive him away. Tough call.

Whatever happens, you really must ensure you have made wills, otherwise the implications of one of you dying suddenly would be horrendous.

Incidentally, just being nosy but whose surname does your child take?

lynzpower

A friend of his in front of everyone recently asked him now we've had baby, why hasn't he made me his wife? All he could do was smile, look embarrassed and say he didn't really know

This is really interesting to me. If anyone asks why we havent got married yet, we both laugh adn he says "shes too tight" which is the truth. We are living as married as we both are sure that we are in this for the long haul.Weve had the "when were old" talks and recently become clear what the other should do if assisted suicide would ever be needed

I would certainly ask him what he felt when he wasa asked that, if he was mbarrassed, why was he embarrassed, really get those questions answered. You might not like the answer, but you ned the truth of what is going on here.

I agree your mixed messages are nightmarish! You should be open with him about why youve been acting the way you have and get to a place where you understand each other.

having said that If you are open about your futures together in what you do on daily basis, and you both know you are wanting your relationship to be this long term, then I too see a wedding as a formality. I would however like to be able to call him my husband. I call him my fiancee at the moment which veers to the setting a date- then the Lynz is too tight- circle again

I look at people getting married now,the hornets nests they shore up in terms of family dynamics, the phenomenal amount of hadship people go through, plannig weddings can make people want to split up! I too have seen freinds desperately begging for the ring, I feel so sorry that they cant be comfortable in thier own skins with what they have I know im lucky to be in such a secure relationship that there is no mystery with who our partner will be for the rest of our lives.

Have that talk, you need it!

galvanizersbaby

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

He might be "a great boyfriend and father", but it is quite reasonable to hanker for a great husband and father, especially due to his status, i.e. the "father" bit.

He will always be your child's father, but as your "boyfriend" that does have a ring of impermanence about it, and you quite rightly feel that as his child's mother you deserve the officialness and stability of being his wife, not his girlfriend.

As for saying "of course", well he knows that you'll never be able to prove otherwise as you can't turn the clock back. He probably believes it himself, with hindsight, but how did it never cross his mind at the time?

The divorced parents aspect is a big clue as to the possible cause of his reluctance. It will have given him the impression that marriage is no more "forever" than what you have now, and explains why he keeps on saying it wouldn't change anything.

I'm getting the vibe that you will either have to genuinely accept the status quo, maybe for several years or even the rest of your life, or keep nagging him and ultimately drive him away. Tough call.

Whatever happens, you really must ensure you have made wills, otherwise the implications of one of you dying suddenly would be horrendous.

Incidentally, just being nosy but whose surname does your child take?

I agree with this poster - I think by talking your boyfriend up in the way that you are isn't going to stop you wanting to be his wife and I think more so now that he is the father of your children. It must be hard but I think as the poster above suggests you will just have to accept your current status and be happy with it

gorgeous_gwen

Things change again!

We were talking on Friday about my friend's hen do, and a generous offer she made that if/when I get married that she would organise mine for me (kindly said as I can only attend part of her hen weekend with not wanting to leave baby for too long and was going to miss some great stuff!) Boyf smiled and said why would I be having a hen weekend, then said we'd have to start looking at venues so we could decide where to get married.

Treading very carefully we started talking about what thoughts we had for what we both wanted out of a venue, what sort of a budget we'd be looking at, and WHEN...:D We have provisionally picked when, it was quite nice actually to find that we both want a lot of the same things as regards what time of year, what sort of venue and that we both would like a big party after!

He has said he does find the prospect of organising a wedding quite daunting and asked if I'd look at some venues and suggest places, which I was happy to lol!

Pleased but hesitant in case he backed off again, I was happy to find that after a day out with the girls for my friend's hen do on Saturday, when I arrived back, he wanted to talk about it some more. Today we've been searching online for local venues and drove to one nearby to scope it out and the plan is for me to arrange for us to check out some places over the coming weekends.

Completely taken by surprise, he also told me he had been hoping to buy an engagement ring but money has been tight over the last couple of months for various reasons so hadn't been able to, but wanted to shortly. I suggested it might be prudent to save the money and put it towards the wedding fund, he agreed but I sense he still wanted to get one, and I would really like one, nothing too expensive anyways so we'll see.

I have no idea where all this has come from!

grey_lady

'I have no idea where all this has come from!'

I'd say be very careful, gentle steps as you are doing.
Everyone has pretty much already said all this so maybe I'm just summarising :-)

On the one hand, you want your boyfriend to want to marry you, but you want it to happen because he truly wants to - not just because he feels like he should because you want to and you've dropped enough hints :-)

On the other hand, as committed long term partners, you should be able
to plan the rest of your lives together in a mutally agreeable way, that you're both looking forward to.
And again, sometimes men just need a tad of encouragement at times :-)

But personally I think that people's relationships are their own business, I bet that plenty of people would say 'of course you should get married because it shows commitment' and 'why wouldnt you want to get married, you have a child'? etc have their own relationship insecurities.
About half of marriages end in divorce anyway, child, certificate or not.

I would make plans on the rest of your life being with this one person, and if you're that secure in your relationship then why would you need a piece of paper have a party etc to placate your friends and family with anyway?