Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Bogof_Babe

Unfortunately having a party to placate the relatives is no substitute for a piece of paper when it comes to next-of-kin issues. It seems Gwen is all too aware of this, while it appears to have passed her OH by, or possibly that is the bit he's scared of.

Marriage is not always perfect, but it's an improvement on the constant worry about what would happen if...

Bogof_Babe

Ooh Gwen . I went straight to "last page" and nearly missed your post from last night!

Well that is a giant leap, and sounds so very positive at last. You are both now "singing from the same hymn sheet" as the saying goes. I predict an excellent chance that all will be well from now on!

Please do keep us updated though, we girlies love a good wedding :smileyhea.

Gravesendgirl

Hi Gwen,

I have been lurking for a while reading your thread with interest as much of it sounds like me and my OH. Sounds like you are finally getting there though so there is hope for my OH too!!

I am 31 and OH is 39. we have been together for 4 1/2 years and bought our home together 1 1/2 years ago. My OH is not anti-marriage (his parents have been happily married for over 50 years) but I think he just does not see the point of the expense and the fuss when we are effectively living together as husband and wife.

Your OH sounds very much like mine and I have had to understand that just because he is not rushing into a big day does not mean that he does not love me and want to be with me forever, I am happily very sure he sees us together in 30/40 etc years. At the moment I am trying to get him to understand that his 'common-sense' approach is alll very well but that will not change my emotions regarding it and the fact remains it is something that means an awful lot to me. I think I am getting there and the last thing that I want is to get married with him acting under suffrence.

Weddings and getting married are topics that come up repeatedly as many of my friends are getting married at the moment and when the topic comes up I make no bones about highlighting how much it means to me. Ultimately I have a man I love, who loves me and does that bit of paper and couple of rings mean that much that I would risk it? I have decided not.

I am ever hopeful though, we are going for a romantic weekend away at the end of the month so you never know :rotfl:

Good luck Gwen but just remember you have a great man and a beautiful child together, surely it is better to focus on that and anything added is a bonus.

Bogof_Babe

Welcome to the forums Gravesendgirl.

Reading your post it occurred to me that if money is a factor in not getting wed, you could always do one of those package holidays to somewhere exotic, that include a simple marriage ceremony, often on a beach in paradise!

If you go in for foreign holidays anyway, the extra expense would be minimal.

Dinah93

I'm glad for his change of heart Gwyn, but I did have to laugh at your statement 'I don't know where this has come from'! It's all you've been on at the bloke to do for the last few weeks, he's listened and responded, but its certainly not out of the blue!

Gravesendgirl

Hi Bogof_girl

Thanks for your welcome.

If it was a matter of us not having money I think it would be easier to deal with but we could afford a wedding (I do not want a big day and would rather just have a party type affair). I would love to go abroad and marry, my brother did the same last year and it was brilliant but OH's parents don't fly and I would not want to do it without at least our parents being there. My idea of my perfect day is RO service with just family (about 30ish people as OH has big family) followed by meal and then party for everyone else after that (not that I have put that much thought into it obviously ;)). All very MSE as well!

I have been in debt until this month when I have paid it all off:j, as OH is really good with money think that me being debt free has been really important when looking at kids (and hopefully weddings!)

We are off to another wedding this weekend so no doubt the 'You two will be next' conversation will come up.

gorgeous_gwen

LOL @ Dinah- ok so what I should have said is not "I don't know where all this has come from" but "I'm completely surprised he's started wanting to talk about it!"

Bogof_Babe- yes I have been worrying a lot recently about what if anything happened to him and where it would leave me, or vice versa whilst unmarried. I did convey this to him because I don't know if he'd thought about it either which he hadn't.

I must admit I do find it fascinating that so many women want to get married to their beloveds and the guy is stalling/not ready/not sure and you never really hear so much about it being the other way around... I do wonder what that is about, it genuinely interests me.

Boyf (fiance? ) continuing to chat about weddingy stuff now, all completely off his own back, and I don't feel conscious about mentioning wedding-related stuff now!

Dinah93

If it makes you feel better Gwyn my OH actually proposed to me in November and I said no as I though it was too soon and he would regret it! Poor boy was devistated and it's taken him until recently to see where I was coming from (misguided though it was) and start to talk about asking again (I found 5 jewellers business cards in his wallet yesterday while trying to find some money for parking - quickly put the wallet back!). However I won't move in with him properly until we're married or near enough (ie its all set and paid for, but want to be in 2 months before hand to reduce stress nearer the time) which does kind of mean for us to move forward that is the only next step.

I guess my OH just didn't post about his worries and kept it to himself, where maybe women like to share their thoughts more? For the record he is absolutely my dream guy, better in fact, I just didn't want to say yes in case he regretted it since we'd only been together 5 months. However neither of us have changed our opinion, in fact we've got a lot stronger since then, so I think he's quietly confident I won't say no a second time!

Pee

Gwen - Thank you for getting back and keeping up updated. I'm glad this has a happy ending - except the wedding bit is of course still only the beginning! There are lots of people planning weddings on a different forum on here with lots of great ideas.

Pee

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Excellent post #188 KatP, exactly says how I see it myself.

This thread has been a bit of an eye-opener, as MSE has had many such discussions, but from the angle of live-ins who say they don't want to get married, don't feel the need, see the point etc. I think this is the first thread where several women in this situation have actually admitted that they would like the security of a ring on their finger.

I've always suspected that even those in the other camp secretly wish their partner would pop the question, but they brave it out as it doesn't seem likely to happen.

Rubbish!

Some women want to be married, some men want to be married and some men and women think that being married isn't relevant to them.

I'm sure there are lots of reasons for people feeling like this. Personally I am very secure in my relationship, know that I am with the right person for me and that I am the right person for him. I know that neither of us has been in such a good relationship before. As I said, I would marry him if it became important to him - he has asked but agrees with me that our relationship couldn't be improved by marriage.

Most people enter into marriage without any idea of the full implications anyway so it's hardly informed consent.

Just because your preference is for one way doesn't mean that other people don't have a genuine preference for an alternative.