Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

gorgeous_gwen

Do you think there's any truth in the saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" (or however it goes?!!!)

Me and my boyfriend/partner/other half have been together a while, have a little baby together as well as him being 'stepdad' to my DS. We have both agreed we want to get married in the future, and he said when we found out I was pregnant that he wanted to get married after bubs was born.

I've got thinking though... I've always known I wanted to get married and had the feeling I'd just "know" when I met the one, and he is the one for me. Thing is, whenever I speak to him about it, he's always engrossed in other things, and says there are other things on his mind right now, like the baby and work, but that he does want to get married eventually.

I just don't want to be waiting and waiting and end up as one of those women who wait for years hoping to get married and end up leaving because they don't get what they want out of the relationship! But that got me thinking... why would he want to get married when we have everything a married couple would have anyway except the actual marriage?

I don't want to be pushy but I don't want to be a doormat- not that he's done anything to make me think he thinks that but I'm thinking I've done it all back to front!

3onitsway

Hi Gorgeous!

Or you could say 'why buy the pig when you only want the chipolata!' :rotfl:

I'm in a very similar situation. Been together for 6+ years, living together for almost 5 - all very happy. DD is 5 months old and he's a gread SD to DS and DD1.

However, he doesn't 'get' marriage. He thinks its a big waste of time/money.
He knows how I feel about it - and i sometimes think one day he'll suprise me! (or maybe he won't!).

I kind of understand his point - but I don't want a huge wedding (never did!). I'd be quite happy for him & me to sneak to the reg. office and do it on our own. I'd just like to be Mrs Hisname!

After all that - i've been no help at all! But it'll be interesting to see any useful replies!

minnie123

I have been with my BF for 9 years we have a 1 year old together but I have never really fancied the idea of marriage - it just seems like a waste of money to me. Now we have our little boy I do think it would be nice to share the same name but the wedding thing is not appealing. I think we will wait until my DS is old enough to leave with grandparents for a few days and use getting married as an excuse to have a holiday to Las Vegas somewhere I have always wanted to go. Maybe you could suggest something similar - if that appeals to you of course.

whitewing

I love being married. It feels different; more settled and even kinder.

We got married last year. A month after we were married, we got step-parental responsibility for DS and DH. And now we're expecting our own baby. We're all legally and genetically linked. It's great.

shellnapier

i cant wait to be married, just for so many reasons
same name
know your both on the same levle of commeintment
i want to call him my husband - and not partner
i dont want the NHS to think im my ddaughters sister

Torby

If the reason for not getting married is the expense....then its an "excuse"...its not expensive, can be done for very little money....so don't kid yourself or make excuses....I have yet to hear one good reason/excuse for not getting married (apart from bigamy)...so you're either fooling yourself or your partner.

If anyone cares to post "good" reasons for not getting married....feel free...you're obviously not that comitted to your partner anyway....its not as though when you split you won't suffer financial hardship....lol....

I'm looking forward to see if this thread gets bigger...

clairec79

My reason for getting married was because I wanted us all to have the same name - that was pretty much it, we were already living together, had a morgage and had 1.5 kids (was expecting our second). I wouldn't say marriage has really changed anything.

In the end we went to the registry office arranged it then rang people going 'we're getting married next week if you want to come you're welcome'

To me having a child together is a bigger commitment - you get married and if there are no kids you can divorce and there be no contact (bit more expensive and messy to split that's it) if you have a child then you are going to be in each other's lives for at least 18 years

Dinah93

Honestly if you want to get married, yes the order has been kind of bungled and at this point your OH probably can't see the point. I'm very, very pro-marriage and pro-family, however there is an arguement in your case that you missed a stage a long time ago, and there is little point closing the stable door now.

That said, if it is important to you, you should push for it. From a legal standpoint is your OH aware of how different his rights are with regards to your family as your husband and dad to the kids, rather than just their dad? I think it might have changed a bit now if he has gone down the required legal process route, but he does not have rights equal to you over your children. My OH trained as a solicitor originally, and one of his (unhappy) sayings is 'the only thing the unmarried dad is entitled to is to pay child support'. It's a bit harsh but holds some truth.

Almo

Torby wrote: »

If the reason for not getting married is the expense....then its an "excuse"...its not expensive, can be done for very little money....so don't kid yourself or make excuses....I have yet to hear one good reason/excuse for not getting married (apart from bigamy)...so you're either fooling yourself or your partner.

If anyone cares to post "good" reasons for not getting married....feel free...you're obviously not that comitted to your partner anyway....its not as though when you split you won't suffer financial hardship....lol....

I'm looking forward to see if this thread gets bigger...

Um... how about it's just not important to me? Or does that not meet YOUR requirements for a "good" reason?

applestar

Torby wrote: »

so don't kid yourself or make excuses....I have yet to hear one good reason/excuse for not getting married (apart from bigamy)...so you're either fooling yourself or your partner.

If anyone cares to post "good" reasons for not getting married....feel free...you're obviously not that comitted to your partner anyway....its not as though when you split you won't suffer financial hardship....lol....

I'm looking forward to see if this thread gets bigger...

wow. i mean sure you're entitled to your opinion and all but that's just amazing.

My parents didn't get married until i was 23 - and had been together for about 28/29 years so yeh they OBVIOUSLY weren't commited to each other you can tell that by the fact my dad moved to this country, bought a house with my mum and they had me... if only they'd had that little legal document to prove they love each other :rotfl:

They didn't want the legal marriagething because it didn't suit them or their believes
They were holding out for something similar to a civil partnership for straight couples but when they didn't turn up they opted for a quick marriage at the registary office and a meal with their friends


They're reasons were just because my mum has a pension which my dad wouldn't get if she died.. oh and visiting rights in hospital as they weren't technically next of kin! Obviously my care if one of them dies is not too important now i'm an adult

I have my father's name anyway and my mum kept hers so really not much changed :rotfl:

marriage in my eyes is a legal thing not proof of love and commitment

if the OP wants to get married and it really is that important to you maybe you could just ask?

gorgeous_gwen

Hmm I don't know... As far as I'm concerned the discussion we had about marriage was one where we were both into the idea, so that's what makes me puzzled. I know it's been on my mind because of what he said about after bubs being born he'd like to then.

If I'm being honest, now we're all settled as a little family together, I feel a little neglected by him. Not in a 'sticking together' kind of way, he works hard at his job, often doing overtime, helps out at home, is good with the children and that is great. What I mean is the part where we keep the relationship alive. Family life is inevitably humdrum at times and I know the mundanity often means the little things get overlooked. We do cuddle up on the sofa to watch tv, hold hands when we go out, and I know he finds me attractive, which was a worry I had after having our baby, but I want to be wooed:D

I make an effort (and sometimes it is hard when you've been running round all day after the children, are covered in baby sick, lunch and cartoon stickers and all you want to do is slob out come evening time!) because I never wanted him to say that I don't, but it comes across that whilst he's happy to smooch up in bed for a bit of the other:D, we never go out anymore. Whereas he's quite happy to meet his friends once or twice a week, anything that involves a bit more effort (ie sorting out a babysitter as we'd obviously both be out!) doesn't seem to enter his head anymore, even though I've suggested it, like I did this weekend, said we could go to the cinema and he was supposed to ask his mum to babysit... and didn't.

I spoke to him last night about his feelings about getting married. He said he felt that the woman usually wants to organise it all, and as we'd need to save up and probably look at getting married in a couple of years, we didn't really need to think about it right now anyway. I said weddings take a while to plan, he said how did he know, he's never wanted to get married before, and I helpfully pointed out that I hadn't either so I knew just as much/little as him!

I also said I didn't want him to feel like I was being pushy which was why I hadn't spoken about it recently, to which he replied I hadn't talked about it AT ALL!:eek::eek::eek: Now this is certainly not the truth... I have asked him about venues and dates numerous times, and every time he has either mumbled something like, yeah could do, or that looks ok, or just not answered me. This happened so many times I just stopped asking for a while What's that all about?!!!