Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Mrs_Ryan

Im absolutely desperate to get married but OH is using every single excuse in the book not to marry me.
His latest excuse is 'oh its what people at work do, live together and dont get married!' OH !!!!!!????
I've already told him about what would happen if something happened to one of us, and that my mum would be quite entitled to move me back up North if I could no longer make a decision for myself for whatever reason and there's absolutely sweet FA he could do - he was a bit hacked off when I informed him that if my mum wasnt around my brother or sister would make the decision - he couldnt seem to grasp that in the light of his continued refusal to marry me he has no right to make a decision - he just kept bleating that if anything happened to him he's told his mum and dad that Im to make any decision due to my medical background, but I pointed out to him Im not allowed to do that, I can advise them but what they decide is up to them.
I feel very sad that I think Im going to be a spinster forever!!!!!!!

Pssst

When women talk about marriage they almost always use the word "commitment" but what do they really mean? Do they mean that they can finally let out a sigh of relief that they have finally got their man,reeled him in,subjugated him?

Would it be enough to have an informal ceremony,even in a religious establishment such as a church,in which promises and rings are exchanged or is it imperative that the marriage is legally recognised i.e it is a personal and legal commitment.

How many women have got involved in relationships,not really expressing marriage as an imperative,and then try to force the issue?

All the signs are there...aisle,altar,hymn.

Why do women think that many men are averse to marriage?

Almo

Mrs_Ryan wrote: »

Im absolutely desperate to get married but OH is using every single excuse in the book not to marry me.
His latest excuse is 'oh its what people at work do, live together and dont get married!' OH !!!!!!????
I've already told him about what would happen if something happened to one of us, and that my mum would be quite entitled to move me back up North if I could no longer make a decision for myself for whatever reason and there's absolutely sweet FA he could do - he was a bit hacked off when I informed him that if my mum wasnt around my brother or sister would make the decision - he couldnt seem to grasp that in the light of his continued refusal to marry me he has no right to make a decision - he just kept bleating that if anything happened to him he's told his mum and dad that Im to make any decision due to my medical background, but I pointed out to him Im not allowed to do that, I can advise them but what they decide is up to them.
I feel very sad that I think Im going to be a spinster forever!!!!!!!

This, to me, is the only reason I would get married. I want my OH to have the right to decide what happens to me in the event of something terrible. It's not a huge issue for me as I have made certain things very clear to both him and my parents (I want my organs donated etc) and they have very similar outlooks, but it is something to consider.

Mojisola

I think there seems to be a lot of confusion these days between "getting married" and "having a wedding". Getting married is cheap and easy and is a legal agreement between two people. Any church service is an expression of your personal religious beliefs but it's the legal bit of signing of the register that turns you into a married couple.

I can't understand why anyone in a stable, long-term relationship (especially if they have children) would not want the legal recognition of the marriage certificate and the benefits that it brings.

This is useful site - https://www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/livingtogether-in-a-nutshell,10010,FP.html - which points out some of the reasons why it might be better to be married.

You can arrange it at the registry office, with strangers as witnesses if you want. You don't even need to tell anyone you've done it. You don't have to change your name or wear rings. You can go on exactly as before but knowing that you have the legal protection given to married couples.

hermanmunster_3

The name bit is interesting - you can call yourself by whatever surname you wish .. the issue I think is the RIGHT to call yourself Mrs ****. I often call parents of children on the telephone and say "hello is that Mrs X", and they say "er no um er (fluster fluster) - its Miss Y, Johnny X's mother". Strikes me a lot would rather be able to say "yes it is Mrs X. " I am a bit old fashioned and probably wrongly assume that they are called Mrs X - but what else can I say???
I've been married nearly 25 years - never changed my name but will happily (and I suppose legally) respond to Mrs S, much easier when kids / school etc are invilved.

Other thing I have noticed with names is the explosion in double barrelled names in kids - usually both parents names glued together - gets complex addressing the parents and then how many generations are they going to do this for ???? - won;t be able to get the kids name on the page after a while

Dinah93

Pssst wrote: »

Would it be enough to have an informal ceremony,even in a religious establishment such as a church,in which promises and rings are exchanged or is it imperative that the marriage is legally recognised i.e it is a personal and legal commitment.

In what sense? If you are a Christian then yes it is considered that if you make a promise between yourselves and to God then this counts as being married in His eyes. However from a legal standpoint yes you need that licence to be considered married.

Odette

I would love to get married eventually but I think its the wedding part that scares me! I would much rather just go get married by ourselves and then just have a party, no speaches or anythiung like that, just a good knees up! Then go on holiday. The act of getting married has turned into such a hoopla with people trying to out do each other or make the day 'perfect' or 'fairy tale' like, it just seems slightly mental.

Pee

Pssst - I think commitment often means a commitment to maintain financially whether both parties behave well to one another or not.

Snuggles

Marriage obviously means different things to different people, and there's nothing wrong with that (except for when your OH has a different view to your own!).

I used to think marriage was just a piece of paper and couldn't see the point, until I met my OH. It's not something I can explain easily, but I knew within weeks of meeting him that he was "the one", and that I wanted to marry him one day! It just suddenly became important.

I'm not bothered about a wedding, not bothered about having lots of people there, so I certainly wouldn't see lack of money as an obstacle to getting married. I just want to be his wife, and to be able to call him my husband. It means so much that I am welling up just thinking about it!!

We live together, and I can understand those people who say being married won't make any difference, but I know that for me it will. To me, it is about telling the world that we are a family, he and I. I know it will feel so special and I can't wait to be Mrs OH.

Mely

RoxieW wrote: »

The thing is that a piece of paper cannot keep people together. People change, fall out of love (or werent that well suited in the first place), make mistakes, stop making an effort etc etc. Marriage is a sign of commitment at that time, but I think the statistics (2 out of 3? end in divorce) show that having that piece of paper does not solve any of these problems.Is it better for a child to come from a broken home as sooo many do - or have unmarried parents together in a loving relationshi[? I for one never felt secure in my parents relationship as they argued all the time - they were married - divroced 8 yrs later.
If children cant keep a couple together then a piece of paper wont.

pls forgive any errors - baby on lap
A relationship will work because 2 people rright for each other and r commited to the effort it takes to maintain - not because they r married. I personally prefer being married but would b very wary of being a smug married as i know it very very ofte does not work out in the long run.

The whole point of my post was that marriage ISNT just a piece of paper. It is a public commitment to each other of your love, and that you will be together for life. These days i dont think there is enough compromise in a lot of marriages, and people dont seem to work at things and run down to the solicitors for a divorce,the minute things arent rosey! Hence the high divorce rates. I know that sometimes people arent suited,and cant work things out,but i know that a lot of couples give up far too easily!
Iain Duncan-Smith has a Conservative think tank, and they are recommending that couples should have a compulsory three month 'cooling off' period. Before they can start divorce proceedings. And he is also proposing a network of family relationship centres to advise before and during marriage. Mr Duncan-Smith said research had suggested that young people had incredibly high expectations of marriage, and the idea of compromise by couples seems to have disappeared.
I believe that couples should be in a loving marriage before having children(and keep working hard on that marriage!). If you cant commit yourselves publicly into marriage,why would you think its ok to have children? I dont think its fair on them. They deserve to know their parents have made that commitment to each other and that they where born in marriage.