Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

miserly_mum

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Hmm I don't know... As far as I'm concerned the discussion we had about marriage was one where we were both into the idea, so that's what makes me puzzled. I know it's been on my mind because of what he said about after bubs being born he'd like to then.

If I'm being honest, now we're all settled as a little family together, I feel a little neglected by him. Not in a 'sticking together' kind of way, he works hard at his job, often doing overtime, helps out at home, is good with the children and that is great. What I mean is the part where we keep the relationship alive. Family life is inevitably humdrum at times and I know the mundanity often means the little things get overlooked. We do cuddle up on the sofa to watch tv, hold hands when we go out, and I know he finds me attractive, which was a worry I had after having our baby, but I want to be wooed:D

I make an effort (and sometimes it is hard when you've been running round all day after the children, are covered in baby sick, lunch and cartoon stickers and all you want to do is slob out come evening time!) because I never wanted him to say that I don't, but it comes across that whilst he's happy to smooch up in bed for a bit of the other:D, we never go out anymore. Whereas he's quite happy to meet his friends once or twice a week, anything that involves a bit more effort (ie sorting out a babysitter as we'd obviously both be out!) doesn't seem to enter his head anymore, even though I've suggested it, like I did this weekend, said we could go to the cinema and he was supposed to ask his mum to babysit... and didn't.

I spoke to him last night about his feelings about getting married. He said he felt that the woman usually wants to organise it all, and as we'd need to save up and probably look at getting married in a couple of years, we didn't really need to think about it right now anyway. I said weddings take a while to plan, he said how did he know, he's never wanted to get married before, and I helpfully pointed out that I hadn't either so I knew just as much/little as him!

I also said I didn't want him to feel like I was being pushy which was why I hadn't spoken about it recently, to which he replied I hadn't talked about it AT ALL!:eek::eek::eek: Now this is certainly not the truth... I have asked him about venues and dates numerous times, and every time he has either mumbled something like, yeah could do, or that looks ok, or just not answered me. This happened so many times I just stopped asking for a while What's that all about?!!!

Are you hoping that these problems will just get magically solved once he puts that ring on your finger?

Would you not be better resolving the problems you have mentioned above first before even thinking about getting married to him?

catkins

Torby wrote: »

If the reason for not getting married is the expense....then its an "excuse"...its not expensive, can be done for very little money....so don't kid yourself or make excuses....I have yet to hear one good reason/excuse for not getting married (apart from bigamy)...so you're either fooling yourself or your partner.

If anyone cares to post "good" reasons for not getting married....feel free...you're obviously not that comitted to your partner anyway....its not as though when you split you won't suffer financial hardship....lol....

I'm looking forward to see if this thread gets bigger...

I totally agree about "expense" being an excuse. A marriage only costs whatever the licence fee is nowadays. A wedding can cost a fortune. People seem to forget that getting married is just that - the two of you being married by a vicar, priest, registrar whatever. You don't need a big flash car, you don't need an expensive white dress or bridesmaids etc etc.

If you want the big expensive wedding and you can afford it fine but if you want to get married it can be very cheap. The two of you can go to the register office (even grab two witnesses off the street if needbe) and get married. Well I know you have to book it beforehand but you know what I mean.

I am a big believe in marriage but if other people do not want to get married fine. It makes a lot of things a lot easier particularly if their are children but fine just don't say "We really want to get married but we can't afford it". For a start I would have thought if a couple were religious they would not be having a child before marriage so why then get married in church? Even so a church wedding does not have to cost a lot.

I know two couples, both living together with 1 child, who keep saying they really want to get married but can't afford it. One of the women wears a wedding ring because she wants people to think she is married!! One of them has just told me she is pregnant again but still can't afford to get married - how much does a child cost?

I personally cannot understand why a couple who have lived together for any substantial time would choose to have a big expensive white wedding but I guess that's just me

RoxieW

We got married when we'd been together 7 years and had 2 children. I always wanted to get married but OH took some arm twisting. He just didnt see the point as we were already happy and commited with a house and kids. I saw where he was coming from but the fact was I just wanted to be married. Not sure I can exactly put my finger on why but I love being his wife, not his girlfriend and it just feels nicer and something special between the two of you. I also wanted the 'wedding' which is why we waited until we could afford the big do. I would have felt that I'd missed out on something special if I hadnt had the day I wanted. Oh was happy to gp along with what i wanted. At that stage in your relationship i think a wedding is more a celebration of what you have - ratherthan a promise of what u will have - which in my eyes is just as valid. I dont believe couples have to be married - its down to personal choice - and the statistics show that if a relationship is in trouble then a piece of paper isnt going to save it!

Almo

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Hmm I don't know... As far as I'm concerned the discussion we had about marriage was one where we were both into the idea, so that's what makes me puzzled. I know it's been on my mind because of what he said about after bubs being born he'd like to then.

If I'm being honest, now we're all settled as a little family together, I feel a little neglected by him. Not in a 'sticking together' kind of way, he works hard at his job, often doing overtime, helps out at home, is good with the children and that is great. What I mean is the part where we keep the relationship alive. Family life is inevitably humdrum at times and I know the mundanity often means the little things get overlooked. We do cuddle up on the sofa to watch tv, hold hands when we go out, and I know he finds me attractive, which was a worry I had after having our baby, but I want to be wooed:D

I make an effort (and sometimes it is hard when you've been running round all day after the children, are covered in baby sick, lunch and cartoon stickers and all you want to do is slob out come evening time!) because I never wanted him to say that I don't, but it comes across that whilst he's happy to smooch up in bed for a bit of the other:D, we never go out anymore. Whereas he's quite happy to meet his friends once or twice a week, anything that involves a bit more effort (ie sorting out a babysitter as we'd obviously both be out!) doesn't seem to enter his head anymore, even though I've suggested it, like I did this weekend, said we could go to the cinema and he was supposed to ask his mum to babysit... and didn't.

I spoke to him last night about his feelings about getting married. He said he felt that the woman usually wants to organise it all, and as we'd need to save up and probably look at getting married in a couple of years, we didn't really need to think about it right now anyway. I said weddings take a while to plan, he said how did he know, he's never wanted to get married before, and I helpfully pointed out that I hadn't either so I knew just as much/little as him!

I also said I didn't want him to feel like I was being pushy which was why I hadn't spoken about it recently, to which he replied I hadn't talked about it AT ALL!:eek::eek::eek: Now this is certainly not the truth... I have asked him about venues and dates numerous times, and every time he has either mumbled something like, yeah could do, or that looks ok, or just not answered me. This happened so many times I just stopped asking for a while What's that all about?!!!

OP, I just wanted to clarify that whilst marriage is utterly unimportant to me, if it is something which matters to you, then you should stick up for your needs - it's obviously not a shock to your OH as you've discussed it in the past. As someone else has said though, you need to be sure that you are marrying him for the right reasons - not as a bandaid. One of my biggest gripes about marriage is that some people seem to view it as a cure all for relationship problems. I'm not suggesting that that's what you're doing, just that they are two separate issues - the problems in the relationship and your desire to get married.

RoxieW

catkins wrote: »

I totally agree about "expense" being an excuse. A marriage only costs whatever the licence fee is nowadays. A wedding can cost a fortune. People seem to forget that getting married is just that - the two of you being married by a vicar, priest, registrar whatever. You don't need a big flash car, you don't need an expensive white dress or bridesmaids etc etc.

If you want the big expensive wedding and you can afford it fine but if you want to get married it can be very cheap. The two of you can go to the register office (even grab two witnesses off the street if needbe) and get married. Well I know you have to book it beforehand but you know what I mean.

I am a big believe in marriage but if other people do not want to get married fine. It makes a lot of things a lot easier particularly if their are children but fine just don't say "We really want to get married but we can't afford it". For a start I would have thought if a couple were religious they would not be having a child before marriage so why then get married in church? Even so a church wedding does not have to cost a lot.

I know two couples, both living together with 1 child, who keep saying they really want to get married but can't afford it. One of the women wears a wedding ring because she wants people to think she is married!! One of them has just told me she is pregnant again but still can't afford to get married - how much does a child cost?

I personally cannot understand why a couple who have lived together for any substantial time would choose to have a big expensive white wedding but I guess that's just me

I agree - people can afford to get married - just not the wedding that they want. But why shouldnt u want the big white wedding if you've already lived together? I think its sensible to live together 4 a while and ensure a solid relationship before commiting the rest of your lives together in whatever way you choose - big wedding, small wedding, whatever.

gorgeous_gwen

miserly_mum wrote: »

Are you hoping that these problems will just get magically solved once he puts that ring on your finger?

Would you not be better resolving the problems you have mentioned above first before even thinking about getting married to him?

I think that's a fair point regarding me and him spending time together. It does need sorting out. Being honest I think I have a part to play in this- I'm often so tired that I don't want to do much in an evening and I think because of this he's stopped asking. He is at fault too though I think because even if I don't feel like going out, or it's midweek, I do suggest some cosy time, snuggling up watching a DVD or similar but he's never keen on that for whatever reason.

I think the feelings on getting married are typical of the divide between male and female thinking- as I was talking to him last night I could see how we'd come to this point- I think he's not interested as he hasn't talked about it, but he is interested, he does think about it even if he doesn't talk about it as much.

I'm thinking of just saying let's leave it for now, let's think about it later when he feels more like it's the right time for him.

RoxieW

Almo wrote: »

OP, I just wanted to clarify that whilst marriage is utterly unimportant to me, if it is something which matters to you, then you should stick up for your needs - it's obviously not a shock to your OH as you've discussed it in the past. As someone else has said though, you need to be sure that you are marrying him for the right reasons - not as a bandaid. One of my biggest gripes about marriage is that some people seem to view it as a cure all for relationship problems. I'm not suggesting that that's what you're doing, just that they are two separate issues - the problems in the relationship and your desire to get married.

I agree. One of my friends was very judgemental about the fact that we werent married before we had children. She had the HUGE white wedding last year yet cheats on her husband regularly. Am sure they'll be ramping up the divorce statistics in a few years time so who is she to get on her high horse about anything. I'm damn sure my wedding, which my 2 children attended, was a more meaningful than hers.

Dave101t

im getting married in october, we already live together tho there are no kids involved.
i also dont 'get' it as such. i dont see the point aside from the commitment it demonstrates, but that commitment is already demonstrated by the time you have been together!
she says its a public thing, to let everyone see, but whats the point in that, i coudnt care less what other people think.
that said, she wants to, and making her happy makes me happy!
and the wedding is a registry office affair, with a pub/restaurant buffet on the evening. all in - less than a couple of K. she gets her wedding and i get to keep most my money!

Pee

I think I'm really anti-marriage. I don't see the point of it. I feel that it is a benefit to the government rather than a benefit to me, although this does depend on the individual circumstances. I've discussed it with my boyfriend and we agree that for us, it's not appropriate. If we have children he would like to reconsider this. If so, we will, and it may be that there would be a benefit to him at that stage.

That said if he felt really strongly about it, I'd be happy to go along with it to please him.

I personally feel that people make more of an effort in a relationship when they are together because they want to be, not because they have promised to be. Obviously other people feel differently. i think the truth is what suits one person may not suit another.

I think you need to do something about both of you going out - maybe a date night every week, it doesn't have to involve going out - as it doesn't seem very fair that he goes out with his mates twice a week and you don't go out at all. If a babysitter is a problem - and not just because he forgot to ask his mum, is he scared of asking her? - is it an option for you to go out with friends every now and again?

I think it takes a little while for a relationship to settle down after a new baby.

I think a male response of that looks ok to a date or wedding venue means yes... Is there any possibility that he was agreeing to what you suggested and is now wondering why there are more suggestions? I don't know him, but I'm guessing he doesn't really mind where, he doesn't much mind who is there and he doesn't really mind when as long as you pick a day he is free.

zippychick

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I spoke to him last night about his feelings about getting married. He said he felt that the woman usually wants to organise it all, and as we'd need to save up and probably look at getting married in a couple of years, we didn't really need to think about it right now anyway. I said weddings take a while to plan, he said how did he know, he's never wanted to get married before, and I helpfully pointed out that I hadn't either so I knew just as much/little as him!

I also said I didn't want him to feel like I was being pushy which was why I hadn't spoken about it recently, to which he replied I hadn't talked about it AT ALL!:eek::eek::eek: Now this is certainly not the truth... I have asked him about venues and dates numerous times, and every time he has either mumbled something like, yeah could do, or that looks ok, or just not answered me. This happened so many times I just stopped asking for a while What's that all about?!!!

I have highlighted the bits that jump out at me. No offence meant here, but from what you have said, he doesn't sound in the slightest bit intetrested in getting married, or at least not at this stage in the game.

Sounds like you need to have a heart to heart and both work out a joint plan - so you are both reading off the same page. Perhaps he does want to get married, but doesn't see the urgency or feel the need in the same way you do.

Suggestion - an open conversation where you discuss your opinions and how you both see your future. If he says he is distracted by other things, perhaps you could chat outside the home environment . If you had the kids minded and went out for the night , then he can't really plead the distraction card.

Some men simply don't see the need for marriage and they don't feel it changes anything. They think "what would be different from the way we live our lives now?"

What is it about getting married that appeals to you? Do you want a big white wedding? if not, you could suggest getting married in a registary office in two months time. Price it, and work out a way you can afford it - again if this would be suitable for you - and see what he says. Then you will find out if money is the real issue.

Regards the "feeling a bit neglected", again you need to do something about this. You could always draw up a list of nice things you can do together, and you agree to do one a week or something? Like quality time things. These can include stuff as naughty or as nice as you like. You could make it into a game, so each week one of you picks. You can pick by selection, or leave it up to fate and pick randomly.

Either way, communication is the key I think. Good luck either way.