Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

tori.k

whitewing wrote: »

I love being married. It feels different; more settled and even kinder.

We got married last year. A month after we were married, we got step-parental responsibility for DS and DH. And now we're expecting our own baby. We're all legally and genetically linked. It's great.

I love being married to my hubby also....but it feels no different to me being married then when we just lived together,like most we married as a testament, but i dont feel more secure or settled as i was both these things before we wed

miserly_mum

OH an I have been living together for 3 years and have a son together. He is also step-dad to my 2 older boys.

We're getting married in February next year when we'll have been together 5 years. We have a brilliant relationship and we both know we will be together for the rest of our lives.

I've been in a really bad marriage before. OH is 10 years younger than me and this is his first "big" relationship. In the beginning neither of us particularly had a great urge to get married. I had even said in the past i'd never marry again.

3 years into the relationship we both felt differently. We were settled and happy and getting married just felt like the right thing to do.

Gwen maybe your OH hasn't quite reached that stage yet and you have? Maybe he has but he's worried about how much it's all going to cost.

My OH has admitted he was scared it was all going to cost thousands of pounds. As it's his first marriage he wants to "do it right". Articles in the paper saying the average UK wedding costs around £20k made him think we could never afford to get hitched without having to get into debt.

Maybe your OH just doesn't want to marry you and if this is the case you need to work out if you could live with that?

lynzpower

tori.k wrote: »

I love being married to my hubby also....but it feels no different to me being married then when we just lived together,like most we married as a testament, but i dont feel more secure or settled as i was both these things before we wed

this is another point I agree with.

I really dont think being married would make me feel W"secure" I have security, of knowing that im in a loveing elationship with a bloke who adores me ( even when i am a total nightmare) he would never give up on me and our relationship, he is just too much in love and so am I.

Someone show me how to get married for 2k in London with 120 guests and I will do it tomorrow, OH is ready to roll as am I. -I cant wait to have his surname, woud be wonderful to be his Mrs, but then again, hardly any different to what we are doing now ( I joke it means less s-e-x ) but do not feel like working for 6 months for one day. After all that is what 7k is ( having priced it) . 2k is all we have spare for "blowing on frivolity " and a wedding can seem like that when you get nothing different out of it- it certainly seem like that. We had earmarked it ( the 2k) for buying a car, so we can have more time with our family ( who live at opposite ends of the country) and to support my sister better who has just had a baby. ( again unmarried but engaged, the wedding was planned but baby came first!)

gorgeous_gwen

I've always known I wanted to get married. I went through the "what does it actually mean?" stage in my late teens and had many discussions with a good friend who is anti-marriage. I can see both sides; for me there are many reasons why it is meaningful, both on a romantic level and a practical one.

For me, I feel getting married is saying to each other, we're in this for the long haul, for better or worse, and I have a strong feeling that although having that piece of paper doesn't make for a magical relationship just like that, that being married means that I would certainly go to the ends of the earth for my husband, through good times and bad, but on a more profound and spiritual level than being entwined in "just" a relationship (not to demean long-term relationships), if that makes sense. It's a bond that I would choose to have with only one person in the whole world who I think of like this, and he of me, if that makes sense.

He has spoken about how he wants to get married, how he has always wanted to, but what he's saying isn't in line with how he's acting. Having spoken to some female friends, I understand this isn't exclusive to him, in fact every married female friend I've spoken to has said how they organised the wedding and basically told their husbands-to-be what is happening and when to turn up because that's how the men preferred it so I'm thinking maybe he is of that type!

I'm going to sit him down and have a talk about it later and see what pans out.

lynzpower

He has spoken about how he wants to get married, how he has always wanted to, but what he's saying isn't in line with how he's acting. Having spoken to some female friends, I understand this isn't exclusive to him, in fact every married female friend I've spoken to has said how they organised the wedding and basically told their husbands-to-be what is happening and when to turn up because that's how the men preferred it so I'm thinking maybe he is of that type!

I really do wonder about this, as I agree I have seen so many men just seemingly float along with it.

I dont think its just men, its some women too. I am not a fluffy person at all and can think of nothing worse than choosing what invitations to have or whether to have almonds or something else as faavours. I cant get excited about it. Nor can OH either, weve had all the magazines, and we both end up throwing them across the room asnd shouting PAH look at this idiot whos spent a years salary on a posh car, some flowers and a frock.

A quick google showed a reeptioon place near me as 21 pp just for a toast. No main meal. I mean you d have to be mental or insecure OR have a rich father to be willing to pay these sorts of prices.

I have not found a registry office that will seat 120 either- after having a quick google ( I s wondered whether i was being obstructive) Before anyone suggest westminster reg office I use dto work in that building, so wont be choosing that one

Good luck for later Gwen xx

RoxieW

i wouldnt worry about the fact that he isnt making noises about the details - most men leave this kind of thing to their partner. My OH was exactly the same but he thoroughly enjoyed the day and is glad that we got married - even though he was never exactly enthusiastic.
I wouldnt expect anything to change in your relationship once you are married though.

gorgeous_gwen

Well I don't know what he'll say... I suspect something along the lines of "didn't we talk about this yesterday?":rolleyes:

He said I should know he wants to get married because he asked me, and as I mentioned, just because he doesn't talk about it, it doesn't mean he's not bothered. I said every time I'd tried to talk about it he'd come across as being not interested, he responded with saying I hadn't talked about it and he honestly couldn't remember me speaking about it at all.

If I'm being honest I don't want to organise a whole wedding myself around what just I want, I want it to be about what he wants as well. I know it's not all about spending money, or what kind of table arrangements we have, and truth be told I'd be quite happy with a small wedding anyway. I just want a little tiny bit of something, some enthusiasm that shows he still wants to get married. I hate the thought of me ploughing through like some Bridezilla, but what do I do- I talk and he doesn't seem to listen, I don't talk and he doesn't initiate anything

smartie12

Men + weddings = :eek:

My DH wanted to get married but when it came to organising/talking about wedding he went into his own little world (not listening etc):rolleyes:

We only had a very small cheap wedding which was fine for me to sort out by myself luckily!

From someone who was very anti marriage.... I'm loving it!!! Yes... it is no different than living together but it adds that little extra special something to our relationship:D

lilmisschick

Reds-on-Sea wrote: »

There's only 2 reasons I'd get married:

1. so I have the same surname as my baby when one comes along, and,

2. the financial benefits.

What are the financial benefits as such cos I genuinely do not know? All I think of is the tax code changes but to what/ how etc.. I have no idea, lol.

I am getting married in November to my partner. I have two lovely daughters and we are expecting our first together. We did have a big summer wedding planned for next year but we both want me to have his name and all be done before we realise we simply cannot afford it after bubs number 3. Plus I didn't fancy getting my boobs out to breastfeed a 3 month old baby so instead I will be 24 weeks pregnant, arghh!! :eek:

Evie82

If you want to get married then go for it I say!
I met my hubby 10 years ago this year, we have a 8 year old and a 5 year old and FINALLY got married this year.

Yes some people asked us "whats the point?" but i just explained it was what we wanted to do, i got fed up of post coming to me in my maiden name and being a Miss. I wanted the name and the whole package that comes with getting wed, we knew we were going to be together forever and that a ring wouldnt really change anything, but it was still something we wanted! Our girls were bridesmaids, we had a very low key registry office family do, with a lovely meal afterwards and it cost less than £500 in total. We are now expecting baby number 3.

To everyone else, it was a pointless day but with a good party. To us though it changed everything, we were already obvioulsy close and very happy but this just added a lovely sparkle to it all, we still sometime look at each other and say " did we really do that?"