Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

gorgeous_gwen

Mely, I love the idea of children being born into marriage- it has never happened like that for me though. With my DS it was an unplanned pregnancy but at that time marriage was not something I had considered, however I always wanted children so that was that. After meeting my man now, I stated that I wanted to get married before we had children together, however bubs had other ideas, despite us being cautious as it were!

I do kick myself that it happened like that but he is the one I see our future with so this way round it cements things. Part of it is that I want us to be a family unit, not just for my own wants.

Pee

If it's important to you, then it's important that it happens.

(Mely - how can you think that marriage lasts forever when you see people embarking on third and fourth marriages? People will either work at relationships or they won't, being married won't alter that much.)

margaretclare

Getting married when you have children means that the children are automatically legitimised.

Bargain_Rzl

margaretclare wrote: »

Getting married when you have children means that the children are automatically legitimised.

Does that make a difference in this day and age? Personally I wouldn't choose to have children outside of marriage, but is there still a stigma attached (in our largely secular society) to being born out of wedlock? A stigma, that is, which results in negative attitudes being displayed towards the child (rather than the parents whose choice it was)?

Mely

Pee wrote: »

If it's important to you, then it's important that it happens.

(Mely - how can you think that marriage lasts forever when you see people embarking on third and fourth marriages? People will either work at relationships or they won't, being married won't alter that much.)

Like i said earlier,people are far too hasty in ending their marriage these days.There seems to be no compromising. That is why i think that Iain Duncan-Smiths idea of bringing in a 3 month cooling down period before being allowed to apply for a divorce,is such an excellent idea. Beacuse i imagine once nasty accusations start flowing between divorce solicitors,there would be no turning back!

miserly_mum

Bargain_Rzl wrote: »

Does that make a difference in this day and age? Personally I wouldn't choose to have children outside of marriage, but is there still a stigma attached (in our largely secular society) to being born out of wedlock? A stigma, that is, which results in negative attitudes being displayed towards the child (rather than the parents whose choice it was)?

My older children were born "within wedlock" my youngest child isn't (although his Dad and I are together)

In my experience people in general have not treated my youngest any differently because we aren't married

The Head Mistress at my 9 year olds Primary School did feel the need to comment on the fact my youngest had a different surname from me and his brothers.

Mind you she is the same woman who suggested to me that my oldest daughter would be better off not going to Grammar School despite getting an A in her 11 plus.

The reasoning behind it was we were a single parent family on benefits (at the time) and she might not fit in with the rest of the children.

So yes some narrow minded old cows like her do look down on kids who aren't from a "normal" family of a legally wed Mum and Dad and the 2.4 children.

Everyone else is too busy getting on with their lives to worry about it

Bettyboop

Mely wrote: »

The whole point of my post was that marriage ISNT just a piece of paper. It is a public commitment to each other of your love, and that you will be together for life. These days i dont think there is enough compromise in a lot of marriages, and people dont seem to work at things and run down to the solicitors for a divorce,the minute things arent rosey! Hence the high divorce rates. I know that sometimes people arent suited,and cant work things out,but i know that a lot of couples give up far too easily!
Iain Duncan-Smith has a Conservative think tank, and they are recommending that couples should have a compulsory three month 'cooling off' period. Before they can start divorce proceedings. And he is also proposing a network of family relationship centres to advise before and during marriage. Mr Duncan-Smith said research had suggested that young people had incredibly high expectations of marriage, and the idea of compromise by couples seems to have disappeared.
I believe that couples should be in a loving marriage before having children(and keep working hard on that marriage!). If you cant commit yourselves publicly into marriage,why would you think its ok to have children? I dont think its fair on them. They deserve to know their parents have made that commitment to each other and that they where born in marriage.

Absolutely spot on :beer:. I am proud that our kids were born within marriage!

Pee

The three month cooling off period sounds like a good idea. And then the divorce could go ahead but neither party could get remarried for a set period - I'm thinking seven years - perhaps people would take it more seriously then.

Izzy.

The legality of marriage can be important. My friend set up home with a divorced man and lived happily with him for over 20 years. He died suddenly, 3 months before he was due to retire. They didnt make wills and she is entitled to nothing. She said she didnt need a piece of paper to cement there relationship and getting married was something they never got around to doing but she wishes she had now cos shes entitled to zilch, no widows pension, no nothing. Money wouldnt make it better but it would make it easier for her now.

Pee

Making a will and nominating another person on a pension policy can be options. If your friend had children from a previous relationship, marriage would have affected what happened on her intestacy, too.

People should consider whether marriage is an advantage or disadvantage to them in their circumstances, and yes, for most women, it is a financial advantage, which may explain why women are so keen...

I'm thinking a seven year warming up period from engagement to marriage - or maybe two years - might also help in reducing the divorce rate.