Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Pee

Those "tests" are where you find out about the real character under pressure of the other person so that you know whether you can commit to them and their commitment to you and your values.

Almo

I've been wondering a few things, reading this thread, and wonder if some of those who are strongly in favour of marriage could answer them

Do you believe that people who are not married are in a weaker relationship than those who are? And if so, is the cause of that strength marriage itself or the two people who chose to get married?

Would you prefer (particularly those who have alluded to religion - Mely you were one) that people get married just to appease society? To my non-religious mind that is disrespectful to those who are religious.

I'm just interested in the answers in order that I can understand where you're coming from. I understand the desire to be married within a relationship, but it is harder for me to understand the desire to have the rest of society behave in the same way as me .

These are genuine questions, I'm not trying to get at anyone :beer:

Dinah93

Almo wrote: »

I've been wondering a few things, reading this thread, and wonder if some of those who are strongly in favour of marriage could answer them

Do you believe that people who are not married are in a weaker relationship than those who are? And if so, is the cause of that strength marriage itself or the two people who chose to get married? I think this is a broad generalisation, and certainly there are partnerships that have been happily ongoing for decades. However, people are more prone to fight for a marriage than a girlfriend/boyfriend, because most people do take those vows to be a serious commitment, and it is harder to walk away.

Would you prefer (particularly those who have alluded to religion - Mely you were one) that people get married just to appease society? To my non-religious mind that is disrespectful to those who are religious. I'm Christian, I most definitely do not want people getting married to please other people. It makes me happy however when people value marriage for themselves, and come to that decision as something that will make them happy and be a positive way forward for their individual relationship. I actually don't think someone who doesn't believe in God should be allowed to get married in a church just so they have a pretty backdrop for the photos. Marriage traditionally is a covenant between two people and God, a binding in a registry office is a different thing entirely to my mind. The whole 'you must turn up 3 times to be allowed to marry in a church' thing is stupid, you should be an active member of the congregation!

I'm just interested in the answers in order that I can understand where you're coming from. I understand the desire to be married within a relationship, but it is harder for me to understand the desire to have the rest of society behave in the same way as me .

These are genuine questions, I'm not trying to get at anyone :beer:

This is only my personal viewpoint. I do not desire society to adhere to this viewpoint, however I do believe marriage is the ultimate sign of commitment and openness to another person, and I honestly struggle to see why you wouldn't want to commit to this person for all your days if they are the right fit for you.

Pee

So a ceremony in a registry office is just a "binding" and not a marriage in your opinion?

Dinah93

Legally it is a marriage, however it does not hold true to what marriage originally was, and so I think calling it by this name is dubious. However I do think people who have their service at a registry office should be afforded the same protection and rights under law as those in a church, but it is a fundamentally different thing to make a commitment to an elected officical and a commitment to God.

Marcheline

Hi OP, I've not read the whole thread, but I know where you're coming from. I have a young daughter with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are currently living with members of his family and I think most of his side of the family would be happy if we bought a house together etc right now.

However, I have said that I will not be doing anything like this unless we are married. My thinking is that unless there's a bit of pressure, he will not propose for quite some time yet (he's comfortable as he is) but we would like more children (but I will not be having anymore until marriage) and a career of my own, so I want us to get a move on on the marriage front as this will allow for more children in a sensible time frame etc.

I also have a date in my head for leaving, if a proposal has not been forthcoming by then. I know that might sound a bit harsh to some people, but I do not intend to be hanging around throughout my 20s for a proposal that might never come. It is as if we are married anyway, so if he does not want to make if official, I intend to leave as he will have made it clear where he stands.

seven-day-weekend

Almo wrote: »

I've been wondering a few things, reading this thread, and wonder if some of those who are strongly in favour of marriage could answer them

Do you believe that people who are not married are in a weaker relationship than those who are? On the whole, yes And if so, is the cause of that strength marriage itself or the two people who chose to get married? Bit of both because I believe that if people want to be committed to each other for the rest of their lives they will also want to make a legal commitment to each other (and any children that might come along). The marriage ceremony does this.

Would you prefer (particularly those who have alluded to religion - Mely you were one) that people get married just to appease society? No it must be a personal decision, but to me not legally committing to each other is second-best and doesn't give your partner a special place. To my non-religious mind that is disrespectful to those who are religious.

I'm just interested in the answers in order that I can understand where you're coming from. I understand the desire to be married within a relationship, but it is harder for me to understand the desire to have the rest of society behave in the same way as me .

These are genuine questions, I'm not trying to get at anyone :beer:

See my answers in blue above. Must point out that I am a Christian, but when I got married I wasn't - my views on marriage did not change when I came to faith.

Pee

Marcheline wrote: »

Hi OP, I've not read the whole thread, but I know where you're coming from. I have a young daughter with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are currently living with members of his family and I think most of his side of the family would be happy if we bought a house together etc right now.

However, I have said that I will not be doing anything like this unless we are married. My thinking is that unless there's a bit of pressure, he will not propose for quite some time yet (he's comfortable as he is) but we would like more children (but I will not be having anymore until marriage) and a career of my own, so I want us to get a move on on the marriage front as this will allow for more children in a sensible time frame etc.

I also have a date in my head for leaving, if a proposal has not been forthcoming by then. I know that might sound a bit harsh to some people, but I do not intend to be hanging around throughout my 20s for a proposal that might never come. It is as if we are married anyway, so if he does not want to make if official, I intend to leave as he will have made it clear where he stands.

Does he know this? maybe not as an ultimatium, which might cause the wrong reaction in him, but have you discussed this and made it clear what you want?

I find it really hard to understand how marriage could be that important to you - you can have legal protection in other ways - but equally, I can't see why he would refuse to get married since it obviously is so important to you.

Wondering80_2

As a commited athiest I don't want to marry my OH of 9 years becuase I believe marriage is a religous ceremony. Much like christmas, which I also don't celebrate. Quite a few people find this belief upsetting (mainly those who have had registry office marriages, most religious people seem to understand where I am coming from) so I hope no one is offended. You have to do what is right for you - my beliefs are my own.

Just re-read this - it sounds very defensive doesn't it - not trying to be, for the record I always really enjoy friends' weddings - just not for me.

Jo_R_2

Marcheline wrote: »

Hi OP, I've not read the whole thread, but I know where you're coming from. I have a young daughter with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are currently living with members of his family and I think most of his side of the family would be happy if we bought a house together etc right now.

However, I have said that I will not be doing anything like this unless we are married. My thinking is that unless there's a bit of pressure, he will not propose for quite some time yet (he's comfortable as he is) but we would like more children (but I will not be having anymore until marriage) and a career of my own, so I want us to get a move on on the marriage front as this will allow for more children in a sensible time frame etc.

I also have a date in my head for leaving, if a proposal has not been forthcoming by then. I know that might sound a bit harsh to some people, but I do not intend to be hanging around throughout my 20s for a proposal that might never come. It is as if we are married anyway, so if he does not want to make if official, I intend to leave as he will have made it clear where he stands.

Marcheline - I get this! My circumstances are a little different but I too felt that my OH needed a little gentle persuasion in the right direction. It's going O/T a little but I was hoping for a proposal when we found out I was pregnant, he said he wanted to wait until we'd moved into our own place, but like the OP now says he has other priorities. I said what you did, that I won't stay around forever waiting but I think my OH gets distracted by so many other things in his life and I worry he's gotten too comfy as we are to see the point, although he says he wants to!