Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Marcheline

Hi OP, this issue is REALLY getting to you and I think you need to seriously work out where you want to go from here. You need to ask yourself whether you're prepared to stay as you are with him - unmarried - forever? If the answer is no, then you need to tell him exactly how much you want to get married and then say you will be off if he doesn't propose(you may want to tone down the last bit, depending on whether he will 'over-react' or not)

If you think you can carry on unmarried, or it might be just that you feel can't leave, then you will have to drop the whole idea of marriage and resign yourself to the fact that it might not ever happen.

I know that left to his own devices, my boyfriend would not marry me for "a while to come yet" as "he's not ready". I have said to him that he's 26, has a child and me running round the house looking after everyone, if he's not ready now, he never will be. I also say that when he is finally ready for marriage, I won't be marrying him as I'll have gone off and found someone else already.

Of course, in my situation it may just be that he doesn't want to marry ME, not that he's opposed to the idea of marriage, but at least with an ultimatum I'll know where I stand and can get out. Like you say, why would they buy the cow if they can get the milk for free?

Pee

I would think very carefully though about whether you would want to end what sounds like a perfectly good relationship - and if it isn't, then you shouldn't be getting married - over this.

I am sure that if my boyfriend felt like you do that I would get married to him, because I love him and if it's that important to him, then so be it. Don't you think that that is his reaction really? So if you started a wedding fund and said how about whatever date 2011 what will his reaction be then? Probably that'll be fine?

miserly_mum

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

After I

He said it isn't on his mind because nothing's going to happen for a couple of years so he doesn't see any point in thinking about it now, gave me a hug and went to sleep! He's said this before- think I mentioned it, and I'd said about booking things in advance, but to be honest that was all we said as it wasn't really the time for a conversation.

.

This was my OH's attitude after we got engaged. I thought he was putting off setting a date because he wasn't that interested. In actual fact it was because he had no idea how far everything like reception venues,photographers etc had to be booked in advance.

Once i'd explained it to him he realised how important setting the date was and things have been fine ever since. He is also relieved that I didn't turn into a Bridezilla and become Wedding obsessed. That would drive him mad.

He has also admitted that once we set a date it made the whole thing more "real" for him which he found both scary and exciting. It also gave us a target financially to work towards as far as saving was concerned

We went to see around and pay the deposit on our venue yesterday and he really enjoyed the whole thing. Apparently it made him feel really grown up (he's 32 lol) It is important to me that he enjoys the whole process and isn't reluctantly being dragged around with me.

He like many other men used to associate marriage with loss of freedom. He was telling me that just for a split second prior to proposing the thought "That's it i'll never be able to go to a night club again" came into his head. Which he said was ludicrus because he doesn't even like night clubs and wouldn't go to one if you paid him.

Pee

I think that's lovely, that he wouldn't want to go to a nightclub and if he did have a sudden urge - say a mate's stag do - it wouldn't be like being married would stop him.

miserly_mum

Pee wrote: »

I think that's lovely, that he wouldn't want to go to a nightclub and if he did have a sudden urge - say a mate's stag do - it wouldn't be like being married would stop him.

Exactly, there is absolutely nothing he (or I) can't do after we're married that we don't do now.

The whole thing is only funny if you know my OH. I'd have to poke him with a sharp stick to get him to go out with his mates even to the bar. Yet that thing about the nightclub popped into his head.

Even now I believe a lot of men don't want to or put off get married because it still signifies loss of freedom to them.

Bogof_Babe

OP, why the big deal on his part about waiting two years? Two years is sufficiently far away to use as an excuse to drop the whole subject. I forget if it was you who wanted the big elaborate do (if it was, I would actually suggest you question your wedding craving motives). If you were to quietly put away £5 a week, in a year you will have enough for a basic registry office ceremony and a buffet at home afterwards, or a bar snack in a pub, with a dozen family and/or friends.

Then bring the subject up again (it will be hard to keep schtum for a whole year, but remember you are actually planning it behind the scenes via your savings pot) and if he starts to fob you off just say "yes we can afford it", show him your savings book and the spreadsheet you will have done listing the costs, and see if he is delighted, or squirms out of it again.

Either way you will have your answer.

Pee

Or save a bit more and go for a church with a buffet and party afterwards in the local village hall.

Buddingblonde

I want to get married because we are not having children - my partner has never been married but he has a daughter by a previous relationship.
I just want to show the world my love for my OH and the fact that I adore him and that he is my first my last my everything.
He on the other hand thinks marriage is a waste of time - as an only child he doesnt "do" compromise once he had made up his mind and there are times when I can get very down about us not getting engaged and married. His mother doesnt want us to marry - she doesn t like me much - and told him years ago not to marry me!!!! I am sure that this is not what has made him anti marriage - I just think that knowing how strongly I feel about it that one day he might relent. He doesnt disagree with marriage as strongly as I agree.
We are in Scotland and neither of us are religious so we would have a humanist service.

emmas42

I think someone has already said about the death of a partner whilst unmarried.

My Partner died 2 and a half years ago, we weren't married but he was saving for a ring (At last!) and we always knew that we were going to marry each other. Sadly he was taken from me.

From an entirely financial point of view it was crippling. We had lived together for 18 months already, but I was entitled to absolutely nothing.

There is no such thing as common law when it comes to death. (At least in England, I think Scotland is different)

The moment he died, I had no access to his wages (We split bills 50/50 as we earnt simeler amounts) I was not entitled to claim the one off payment towards the funeral (I had to use what we had saved for a house deposit) and I was not entitled to a widow's pension. Because of this I had to return to work 5 weeks after he died and struggled to keep it together for the next few months until I was effectively demoted to "Help me cope"

I was not allowed to deal with any aspect of his estate, luckily I have a good relationship with his parents and they saw that I was ok.

I was not even entitled to decide whether his organs could be used for transplant.

It may just be a bit of paper, but it is such an important bit of paper when you need it.

Having children offers a little financial protection if something like this happens (God forbid) but that little bit of paper would make it all so much easier to cope with.

Sorry if my post is depressing, I've been feeling sorry for myself for too long!

Bogof_Babe

That is so sad Emma, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for telling it like it is, and hopefully it will bring home to those who read it the point that some of us are trying to make.