Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

seven-day-weekend

Wondering80 wrote: »

As a commited athiest I don't want to marry my OH of 9 years becuase I believe marriage is a religous ceremony. Much like christmas, which I also don't celebrate. Quite a few people find this belief upsetting (mainly those who have had registry office marriages, most religious people seem to understand where I am coming from) so I hope no one is offended. You have to do what is right for you - my beliefs are my own.

Just re-read this - it sounds very defensive doesn't it - not trying to be, for the record I always really enjoy friends' weddings - just not for me.

As a Christian, I don't celebrate Christmas either.

margaretclare

As a Christian, I don't celebrate Christmas either.

I do my best to avoid 'celebrating' Christmas.

I do believe in marriage, though. One of the reasons we joined the Methodist Church was that it was the only one that would allow us to marry. Although other churches round about are prettier, more historic etc, but if they didn't welcome DH because he was divorced and not baptised, then I didn't want them to welcome me either.

I think a wedding should be simple, with people you love around you (if possible), everyone wishing you joy and happiness. No, it does not have to be a 'big party' and a 'holiday abroad' - that has nothing to do with it. I would only ever want a simple meaningful wedding and, as has already been said, our vows said before God.

I am likely to get shot down in flames for this, but never mind. Because of what I and my mother endured - I was an illegitimate child - I was determined that one thing I would never, never do was to bring a child into this world outside wedlock. People who got married at the same time as me (my first marriage) wondered why they had 3 or 4 kids before I had any. Well, there were good reasons, and that was the main one.

Bogof_Babe

I'm still trying to get my head around the earlier poster's parents who were apparently "waiting for something like a civil partnership to come along". Isn't this exactly what a Registry Office marriage is? No religion, no big showy expense, just the signing of a contract to be joined legally as two people into one unit.

As for the old chestnut about being a bit of paper, I've used this analogy before, but a university degree is also a bit of paper, as is a passport and driving licence, and no-one questions the validity and point of having those.

Finally, it seems almost all the posters on here who crave being married are women. That says to me that women feel more exposed and vulnerable having half the package than men do. Could be because women rear the children (in the main) and have more emotional need of a commitment than men.

Those who say their man is totally 100% devoted to them and there is no danger of them splitting up - if that is the case, why on earth WON'T he formalise the arrangement? "Not getting around to it" is a total cop-out, and any woman who ties up with a bloke who won't make the relationship official is devaluing what she thinks of herself.

To the OP - I fear you have got to the point now where any further mention of it (even admitting to looking on wedding websites) will just irritate him. Once he starts to feel pressured his defences will go up and you might drive a wedge between you. It's either back off for quite a while now, or issue an ultimatum and mean it. Be prepared to accept that he might genuinely not intend to marry you ever, and decide if you can live with that.

maryotuam

I agree that it would be a good idea to let it lie for a month or two. Next time you bring the topic up the discussion will be fresher.
Just a thought.... what if you pretended that after much consideration you decided you never want to get married. It would be interesting to find out what he REALLY thinks about marriage.
Me and my OH didn't want to get married but we changed our mind when his lovely old Mum was very ill. We knew it would make her very happy. So we had a registry office marriage, an informal house party and spent very little. We told our 2 kids we had waited until they were big enough to join in. I borrowed a ring for 10 minutes, kept my own name and we both promised each other that getting married wouldn't effect our already wonderful relationship. (His mum lived for another 10 years!)

I think you know if someone is committed to you in the way they act and a piece of paper means nothing if the committment isn't already in their heart.
We've been together 30 years now and we never acknowledge our wedding anniversary only the anniversary of falling in love.

MrsE_2

lynzpower wrote: »

My parents have no money to support a wedding. If we had a wedding the guest list we started with has over 120 guests ( family and a few freinds we both have huge families) The cheapest wedding we have been able to price is about 6k including one ly one catered meal ( ie no evening do) I am not getting married in Brixton registry office without my family there, my family woud be 100% DEVASTATED if I didnt invite them because we couldnt afford it.

We did.....

Just some close family came & went to the pub after & the immediate party of us (children, parents, siblings, niece & nephews) went to the Cumberland for dinner:D

This was 14 years (or so ago) & you had to get married in your borough.

We had a modest honeymoon after, which only cost 1k.

Marcheline

Pee wrote: »

Does he know this? maybe not as an ultimatium, which might cause the wrong reaction in him, but have you discussed this and made it clear what you want?

I find it really hard to understand how marriage could be that important to you - you can have legal protection in other ways - but equally, I can't see why he would refuse to get married since it obviously is so important to you.

Hi Pee, yeah he does know that I will leave if there is no proposal by the date I have in mind. I figure that as he's a really nice guy he may not want to tell me outright that he doesn't want us to be together for whatever reason (as our daughter was unplanned and maybe this whole thing is too much for him) and so by letting him know that I'm not going to hang around forever, I give him a get out clause if he doesn't want to get married, as I'll be the one who leaves, not him.

He very much knows that it's either marry me, or that's the end of it (obviously he would still see our daughter) but it is my firm belief that she is better off with us married. If he thinks differently, I understand, but I won't be putting my life on hold for however many years while he decides whether he wants to get married or not. He'd be mad to let me go though, haha!

Bogof_Babe

The other thing I meant to say in my post is that it is perfectly possible that some of these reluctant grooms don't want to marry anyone. In which case no amount of being adorable, compliant, great in bed, or even the mother of his child/ren will alter his views. These sort of men see marriage as entrapment, an end to their freedom, and a financial burden. They might very well love their partner, but they want to keep the door open for an escape should they ever feel they have exhausted their contentment, without the messiness and cost of a divorce.

The thing about shacking up together before the formalities is that the couple are in fact having their cake and eating it, and it tends to be the woman who comes to resent this eventually.

margaretclare

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I'm still trying to get my head around the earlier poster's parents who were apparently "waiting for something like a civil partnership to come along". Isn't this exactly what a Registry Office marriage is? No religion, no big showy expense, just the signing of a contract to be joined legally as two people into one unit.

Yes, that sounds really odd. Especially when you consider that most of the gay couples who've done the civil partnership thing have treated it, and referred to it, as a marriage!!

As for the old chestnut about being a bit of paper, I've used this analogy before, but a university degree is also a bit of paper, as is a passport and driving licence, and no-one questions the validity and point of having those.

Yes, this is very true. There are lots of 'bits of paper' which are very meaningful and we wouldn't be without them. As well as educational certificates, off the top of my head I can think of many more. My GD's sailing certificates from the RYA - she wouldn't be allowed to take kids out on the water at Cadets if she hadn't all those. Lots of them.

After DH's second acrimonious divorce in 1999 he did not want to get married again. 'We're all right as we are..' all the usual arguments. We had our 'big trip' to North America just after 9/11 and 3 separate people in Vancouver, Oregon and Washington DC all did their best to change his mind...we came home, went to his stepdaughter's 3rd wedding (he gave her away!) and soon after that, he changed his mind 'for all the right reasons', as he put it.

gorgeous_gwen

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I'm still trying to get my head around the earlier poster's parents who were apparently "waiting for something like a civil partnership to come along". Isn't this exactly what a Registry Office marriage is? No religion, no big showy expense, just the signing of a contract to be joined legally as two people into one unit.

As for the old chestnut about being a bit of paper, I've used this analogy before, but a university degree is also a bit of paper, as is a passport and driving licence, and no-one questions the validity and point of having those.

Finally, it seems almost all the posters on here who crave being married are women. That says to me that women feel more exposed and vulnerable having half the package than men do. Could be because women rear the children (in the main) and have more emotional need of a commitment than men.

Those who say their man is totally 100% devoted to them and there is no danger of them splitting up - if that is the case, why on earth WON'T he formalise the arrangement? "Not getting around to it" is a total cop-out, and any woman who ties up with a bloke who won't make the relationship official is devaluing what she thinks of herself.

To the OP - I fear you have got to the point now where any further mention of it (even admitting to looking on wedding websites) will just irritate him. Once he starts to feel pressured his defences will go up and you might drive a wedge between you. It's either back off for quite a while now, or issue an ultimatum and mean it. Be prepared to accept that he might genuinely not intend to marry you ever, and decide if you can live with that.[/QUOTE]

I don't know if I can issue an ultimatum. I also don't know if I can 'back off' for a while, I'm really bad at hiding my feelings and it's been on my mind such a lot. But I do agree, nevertheless, with what you have said.

We've been sat here this evening since bubs went to sleep and I've been dying to say something but in thinking with not wanting to force the issue, I've not mentioned it. It was mentioned last night, he knew something was the matter and asked me what, I explained I wondered why after what I had said via text about calling off any wedding plans (not that we had any!), he had not said anything about it at all. He replied with he still wanted to, and that he was going to bed as he was tired. It's stupid but it actually quite upsets me thinking about it, it's like I want to ask him but I don't, because I want HIM to just say something about it so it doesn't have to be me again

Mely

A civil partnership between a same sex couple is NOT a marriage. They can call it a marriage if they want,but it isnt! A marriage is between a man and a woman.