Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Mely

Emma...i dont know what to say to you,but thank you for sharing your experience with us. Id like to send you a great big virtual ((((hug)))) xxXxx

gorgeous_gwen

Emma, thank you for your post. This is something I have thought about particularly since I got pregnant with bubs. It has certainly given me something to think about x

barnaby-bear

emmas42 wrote: »

I think someone has already said about the death of a partner whilst unmarried.

My Partner died 2 and a half years ago, we weren't married but he was saving for a ring (At last!) and we always knew that we were going to marry each other. Sadly he was taken from me.

From an entirely financial point of view it was crippling. We had lived together for 18 months already, but I was entitled to absolutely nothing.

There is no such thing as common law when it comes to death. (At least in England, I think Scotland is different)

The moment he died, I had no access to his wages (We split bills 50/50 as we earnt simeler amounts) I was not entitled to claim the one off payment towards the funeral (I had to use what we had saved for a house deposit) and I was not entitled to a widow's pension. Because of this I had to return to work 5 weeks after he died and struggled to keep it together for the next few months until I was effectively demoted to "Help me cope"

I was not allowed to deal with any aspect of his estate, luckily I have a good relationship with his parents and they saw that I was ok.

I was not even entitled to decide whether his organs could be used for transplant.

It may just be a bit of paper, but it is such an important bit of paper when you need it.

Having children offers a little financial protection if something like this happens (God forbid) but that little bit of paper would make it all so much easier to cope with.

Sorry if my post is depressing, I've been feeling sorry for myself for too long!

There are so many people with really rubbish relationships that although terribly sad I found your post very comforting that you had such clear devotion and that you and his family can share and continue to do so the relationship and love; so many people have poor in-law relationships and people in some way live through the people they touch.

barnaby-bear

Marcheline wrote: »

Hi OP, I've not read the whole thread, but I know where you're coming from. I have a young daughter with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are currently living with members of his family and I think most of his side of the family would be happy if we bought a house together etc right now.

However, I have said that I will not be doing anything like this unless we are married. My thinking is that unless there's a bit of pressure, he will not propose for quite some time yet (he's comfortable as he is) but we would like more children (but I will not be having anymore until marriage) and a career of my own, so I want us to get a move on on the marriage front as this will allow for more children in a sensible time frame etc.

I also have a date in my head for leaving, if a proposal has not been forthcoming by then. I know that might sound a bit harsh to some people, but I do not intend to be hanging around throughout my 20s for a proposal that might never come. It is as if we are married anyway, so if he does not want to make if official, I intend to leave as he will have made it clear where he stands.

I find this uncomfortable - you have a child with the guy and to some extent that means you now come second to your child's needs; I appreciate it may be important to you but this feels like a power struggle and to some extent changing the rules, now there's a child involved there's a whole family breakup if he doesn't give in which makes it all more serious somehow and yet the seriousness is a result of not following the traditional route.

margaretclare

Pee wrote: »

Or save a bit more and go for a church with a buffet and party afterwards in the local village hall.

This would be my option.

Our wedding in our local Methodist Church didn't cost us anything (for the ceremony) because we're church members. Our friends at church pitched in and helped - the flowers in church, the music (playing a CD 'Love Divine'), rearranging the furniture etc. 18 of us sat down to lunch at a local pub/restaurant afterwards. Very simple, joyful, meaningful.

margaretclare

Like others, I found Emma's post incredibly touching. It is a sad fact of life, younger people can and do die unexpectedly. Our local paper regularly carries stories of young people who have died in distressing circumstances, whether as road accident victims or in other ways. Not long ago a lad who worked in the baker's shop we go to in our little town, probably late for work one Monday morning - anyway, he crashed his motor-bike a stone's throw from his place of work and he left behind a girl-friend and baby.

My younger daughter certainly did not expect to die aged 39. Because she left a widower and had joined the LGPS 6 weeks earlier - day one of a new job - he was able to benefit from her pension funds and pay off the mortgage.

gorgeous_gwen

I guess it shows that I know to some that marriage isn't something that bothers them,but what has been generously shared here of people's experiences shows why it can mean so much, unfortunately in these cases when the loved one has gone but even so, that is a time when it matters so much.

Last night, boyf asked me about an engagement ring I had been looking at a while ago and what it was like. We chatted about it and he said he was "just wondering", that's all:D Mind you, I suspect this has a lot to do with the fact he'd just come home from the pub with his mates who are all married and keep making jokey comments about why he hasn't made an honest woman of me:rolleyes:

Bogof_Babe

Oh Gwen, that sounds immensely encouraging! :T Maybe he does just need a kick up the backside to get on with it. Next time you are shopping together, how about casually pausing by a jewellers shop window, and if he doesn't stride on ahead you could say you just wanted to show him the sort of ring you fancy.

Baby steps, and here's to a 2010 wedding!

barnaby-bear

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I guess it shows that I know to some that marriage isn't something that bothers them,but what has been generously shared here of people's experiences shows why it can mean so much, unfortunately in these cases when the loved one has gone but even so, that is a time when it matters so much.

Last night, boyf asked me about an engagement ring I had been looking at a while ago and what it was like. We chatted about it and he said he was "just wondering", that's all:D Mind you, I suspect this has a lot to do with the fact he'd just come home from the pub with his mates who are all married and keep making jokey comments about why he hasn't made an honest woman of me:rolleyes:

If you nag he'll be defensive - it's like chess if you play white he has to play black.
If all your friends are married and you're the weird ones - he'll probably come round to the idea - most men will start feeling daft calling the mother of their child after a decade together - "girlfriend" - like your dad's given you a tenner to take the girl from 6th form to the cinema - especially when you start getting invited to 5/10 anniversary parties.... it'll be a natural progression rather than a forced one.

Ada_Doom

Me and Hubbie were together 9 years and had two children before getting married. I was never really interested in being married, having a big wedding etc but we decided that to all have the same name would be good, and also to celebrate our family. We has a really simple wedding day and it was all loveley.

Anyhoo, about a year later my husband had a sort of breakdown, which went on for months and months and ended up with him walking out of his well paid job with no "fallback" plan and me frantic with how to pay the mortgage etc. It was such a horrible time, and he was so impossible to communicate with that i thought about leaving him on several occasions (did not really appreciate how ill he was at the time). However, what made me stay was thinking of our marriage vows and after yet another massive row about money i would say to myself "for better for worse" over and over!! It really helped focus my usually quite selfish self into remembering that we are a team and sometimes in a relationship you just have to knuckle down and help each other through the crappy bits.