Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Bogof_Babe

MrsE wrote: »

I sooooooooooooo disagree with this, lots & lots (of sensible) couples live together before marriage.

I lived with my DH before we married & TBH, it was him that pushed for marriage.

Okay I accept that for some people that's what happens, and you were one of those couples.

I may be seeing this from an old fashioned viewpoint, as in my courting days it just didn't happen, unless you wanted to be looked upon as either lacking in self-respect, already pregnant, or in the more bohemian social circles, rather avant-garde. Even pop stars generally got married, and they were about as avant-garde as it got!

Little story - I met my OH and we were engaged within three months, married within seven (a simple wedding, no need to save up for ages). When we told my parents we were getting wed, mum said "it's too soon, people will think you are pregnant". I said "well they'll know when I don't have a baby, won't they?", to which she replied "they will think you lost it!".

I suppose it's just the generation gap nowadays.

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Okay I accept that for some people that's what happens, and you were one of those couples.

I may be seeing this from an old fashioned viewpoint, as in my courting days it just didn't happen, unless you wanted to be looked upon as either lacking in self-respect, already pregnant, or in the more bohemian social circles, rather avant-garde. Even pop stars generally got married, and they were about as avant-garde as it got!

I suppose it's just the generation gap nowadays.

My granny (a good Irish Catholic) died in her late 80s in the 1980s, she was born in the late 1890s. Believed the ONLY way to really KNOW someone was to live with them, now she never did that, because it would have been unheard of in her day. But she believed in it.

My DH probably did propose before we started living together (he prosposed a few times), but we started living together very quickly, so he hardly got a chance.

I'm 41 & I've lived with 2 men in life life, both of whom I've married:D

gorgeous_gwen

I'd like to see what more men think too. It would be extremely insightful!

Speaking to boyf earlier actually about what I mentioned initially in this thread, ie why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free (although phrased a little more eloquently!)

He said to that that he thought most men think what's the point of going through all the hassle and expense of getting married when really nothing is going to change after anyway? We spoke about it and I said why I felt it was important to me, and he could see what I was saying, and he says he sees how important it is to the woman (sort of generalising but I appreciate his point.)

I actually feel pretty confused now, I'd love for us to be married, and from what he said previously when we talked about it, so did he, and now he's saying this? I like the idea of a man getting married because he knows how happy it would make the woman but really I want to marry someone who wants to get married to me iyswim? Which was the impression he gave me a while ago but since then from talking about little things about arranging weddings he seems to be going off the idea.

Confused

Bogof_Babe

Gwen, if it is the wedding that's fazing him, surely the simple solution is a quickie basic registry office marriage. Only takes half an hour and a couple of hundred £ and it's done, and you're both happy.

Maybe this is where you have to compromise on the meringue dress with bridesmaids and chocolate fountains, and just do the biz as simply as possible. You'll still be married afterwards, and it's only one day even when you do go in for the big production. What if it rains, and £20K goes down the pan because you are so miserable about what you can't control.

shellsuit

Me and OH are getting married next year.

Just asked him why he wants to marry me and he said "you are my world and i'd be lost without you and also i want everything to be right and proper" (we've just had a baby 11 weeks ago)

Now either he is sincere...

or he just wants me to shut the fick up because he's watching top gear lol!!

(I jest steve if you read this!:p)

We've been together 7 years and after many a discussion have decided to tie the knot at the registry office with our nearest and dearest (so about 20 of us then go somewhere nice for a meal) , then go away the same night or next day for a weeks honeymoon just the 2 of us.

We could have had a big wedding and invited everyone, but we wouldn't have been able to afford to go away too. Plus i hate to think of the expense of paying out for friends and family who would come, who you only ever see at weddings and funerals anyway!

gorgeous_gwen

shellsuit wrote: »

Just asked him why he wants to marry me and he said "you are my world and i'd be lost without you and also i want everything to be right and proper" (we've just had a baby 11 weeks ago)

I had to pick this bit out as I think it is so lovely! Did he propose to you or you to him or was it mutually agreed sort of thing?

Bogof_Babe, I'm not sure if it's just the wedding phasing him. If I'm being totally honest, and this is a gut feeling here, I distinctly feel that initially he was very masculine and manly in saying he wanted us to get married, it was a nice conversation as it took me by surprise and I was really pleased he felt the same (I hadn't said anything at that time about how I felt about the same thing) but since I've started looking to make the idea a reality, he seems to be all here and there, one minute he's talking about engagement rings, then how it'd make him happy to make me happy (no talk of it making him happy!), then what I just mentioned about how for "men" it's a lot of hassle and expense and things don't change...

I really have no idea of what to think or do now. I've been casually looking at wedding venues, dresses and things but I feel a bit deflated. I think looking into myself I've been hoping he's going to show some enthusiasm, and even though I've realised that men generally leave organising to the woman, I'm beginning to ask myself if the lack of enthusiasm is because he's not bothered about the finer details or because he's not bothered about getting married. I feel like he's moving my opinion back and forth with him saying different things. Oh I don't know!

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I had to pick this bit out as I think it is so lovely! Did he propose to you or you to him or was it mutually agreed sort of thing?

Bogof_Babe, I'm not sure if it's just the wedding phasing him. If I'm being totally honest, and this is a gut feeling here, I distinctly feel that initially he was very masculine and manly in saying he wanted us to get married, it was a nice conversation as it took me by surprise and I was really pleased he felt the same (I hadn't said anything at that time about how I felt about the same thing) but since I've started looking to make the idea a reality, he seems to be all here and there, one minute he's talking about engagement rings, then how it'd make him happy to make me happy (no talk of it making him happy!), then what I just mentioned about how for "men" it's a lot of hassle and expense and things don't change...

I really have no idea of what to think or do now. I've been casually looking at wedding venues, dresses and things but I feel a bit deflated. I think looking into myself I've been hoping he's going to show some enthusiasm, and even though I've realised that men generally leave organising to the woman, I'm beginning to ask myself if the lack of enthusiasm is because he's not bothered about the finer details or because he's not bothered about getting married. I feel like he's moving my opinion back and forth with him saying different things. Oh I don't know!

Actually, we met in July 2002 and he proposed to me in the December. We split in 2006 for around 7 months so i called the engagement off obviously. He proposed to me again (with a new diamond ring!) last November.

I've already got my dress and the invites, OH isnt too bothered, but i think that's just a man thing. Some get really excited and seem really interested and the others don't.

I know for a fact though that OH will look forward more to the weeks honeymoon than the big day itself! :rotfl:

gorgeous_gwen

So two proposals from the same man?! Aw

I'm still sat mulling this over. I'm basically a hopeless romantic at heart and want to be swept off my feet! You know how life does get in the way sometimes, well it does so much but one thing I have always known and looked forward to is meeting the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and being married to him and it's not going quite how I'd planned!

I did half think of just leaving it for a while but as I've mentioned previously, I'm terrible at hiding my feelings. We've spoken about it a fair bit since I first posted and I now know that he has other things on his mind ahead of getting married, he does want to get married or he wouldn't have said so, but basically it's quite a hassle to say nothing really changes. Not looking great really is it?

What do I say to him when he gets back in a bit?

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

So two proposals from the same man?! Aw

I'm still sat mulling this over. I'm basically a hopeless romantic at heart and want to be swept off my feet! You know how life does get in the way sometimes, well it does so much but one thing I have always known and looked forward to is meeting the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and being married to him and it's not going quite how I'd planned!

I did half think of just leaving it for a while but as I've mentioned previously, I'm terrible at hiding my feelings. We've spoken about it a fair bit since I first posted and I now know that he has other things on his mind ahead of getting married, he does want to get married or he wouldn't have said so, but basically it's quite a hassle to say nothing really changes. Not looking great really is it?

What do I say to him when he gets back in a bit?

Aww i know how you feel, i'm a romantic at heart too whereas OH isn't romantic. I know he loves me but i do have my head in the clouds sometimes where i think 'i'd love him to do this/that'. I can't fault him though so i guess i can live without my romantic expectations lol.

Are you engaged at the moment? (sorry only skim read through the thread).

gorgeous_gwen

Not exactly engaged but more of a mutual agreement to get married iyswim? Doesn't sound very romantic when I put it like that!