Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Not exactly engaged but more of a mutual agreement to get married iyswim? Doesn't sound very romantic when I put it like that!

Hmmm i see exactly where you are coming from now!

Would it make you feel better for the time being if he bought you an engagement ring?

Maybe put that idea to him?

If OH had told me he wanted to marry me, but then wouldn't entertain a proposal and engagement ring, I don't think i'd be happy and would wonder whether i wanted to marry him at all.

Deep down do you think he wants to get married or is just saying what you want to hear? (Which some blokes do really well! :cool:)

gorgeous_gwen

Difficult, because he did say when we first spoke about marriage that he'd always wanted to as well. So then he had no reason to say it as he didn't know my feelings on it.

Now, with all the different things he's said, I don't know. I think he likes the idea in theory but arranging a wedding is another matter and from what he said earlier if nothing got arranged then he'd be quite happy to carry on as we are now.

shellsuit

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

Difficult, because he did say when we first spoke about marriage that he'd always wanted to as well. So then he had no reason to say it as he didn't know my feelings on it.

Now, with all the different things he's said, I don't know. I think he likes the idea in theory but arranging a wedding is another matter and from what he said earlier if nothing got arranged then he'd be quite happy to carry on as we are now.

I'd just ask him outright when he is thinking of getting wed. Let him know that it doesnt have to cost a lot and you don't need a lot of arranging and see how he feels then.

OH always said he wanted a big party so i said fine we can, but we won't be going away afterwards, so he soon changed his mind lol

ceridwen

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Okay I accept that for some people that's what happens, and you were one of those couples.

I may be seeing this from an old fashioned viewpoint, as in my courting days it just didn't happen, unless you wanted to be looked upon as either lacking in self-respect, already pregnant, or in the more bohemian social circles, rather avant-garde. Even pop stars generally got married, and they were about as avant-garde as it got!

Little story - I met my OH and we were engaged within three months, married within seven (a simple wedding, no need to save up for ages). When we told my parents we were getting wed, mum said "it's too soon, people will think you are pregnant". I said "well they'll know when I don't have a baby, won't they?", to which she replied "they will think you lost it!".

I suppose it's just the generation gap nowadays.

Well - my parents made it to the altar in a sight quicker time than you and O.H. did....

I wonder how fast I'd "get a thick ear" if I were to imply that to them...and which one of them would get to me first to apply said "thick ear":D. I can just hear them now - my father saying "I wouldnt have married used goods" and my mother saying "I was ENTITLED to get married in white"...:rotfl::rotfl:

ceridwen

gorgeous_gwen wrote: »

I had to pick this bit out as I think it is so lovely! Did he propose to you or you to him or was it mutually agreed sort of thing?

Bogof_Babe, I'm not sure if it's just the wedding phasing him. If I'm being totally honest, and this is a gut feeling here, I distinctly feel that initially he was very masculine and manly in saying he wanted us to get married, it was a nice conversation as it took me by surprise and I was really pleased he felt the same (I hadn't said anything at that time about how I felt about the same thing) but since I've started looking to make the idea a reality, he seems to be all here and there, one minute he's talking about engagement rings, then how it'd make him happy to make me happy (no talk of it making him happy!), then what I just mentioned about how for "men" it's a lot of hassle and expense and things don't change...

I really have no idea of what to think or do now. I've been casually looking at wedding venues, dresses and things but I feel a bit deflated. I think looking into myself I've been hoping he's going to show some enthusiasm, and even though I've realised that men generally leave organising to the woman, I'm beginning to ask myself if the lack of enthusiasm is because he's not bothered about the finer details or because he's not bothered about getting married. I feel like he's moving my opinion back and forth with him saying different things. Oh I don't know!

Of course - theres always a more "roundabout" way of going about this....ie getting his mother on board. I was just thinking how in more serious type relationships I had that I used to get on okay with the parents. So - this is just personally mind you - I would have had a "girlie chat" with "mum-in-law" and "pleaded my case" to her and then let her start dropping hints to her "son and heir" about "making an honest woman of me" - but thats just me...;):D Devious - moi!?? Theres more ways than one to skin a cat...(I long since made a "policy decision" to be polite/helpful/etc to friends/boyfriends parents...I can only think of one set of parents that werent keen on me - think that was because my family had a lot less money than theirs though - nowt to do with me personally IYSWIM).

miserly_mum

Gwen,on a practical level, if your OH proposed tonight totally out of the blue are you in a position financially to actually fund a wedding?

We're only having 25 guests at ours next year and being the old skinflint that I am I thought we could do it for under £2000 :rolleyes:.....YEAH RIGHT!!!!

It's going to be nearer £4000:eek: and that's with me really shopping around for the best deals etc. Luckily we have savings which we'll be using to pay for it all. If we didn't it would take us a VERY long time to save that amount up.

We could have done it for less but I had the cheap and cheerful version for my first wedding and if i'm totally honest it wasn't how i'd have liked it to be. But we were young ,skint and I was up the duff so it was cheap wedding or no wedding.

This time round it's OH's first time and we both wanted it to be done right but doing it right costs money.

The point i'm trying to make is .....it's ok being desperately waiting for your OH to propose (yes I was feeling exactly the same a year ago ) In our case though the only thing OH had to worry about was me saying no, because he knew the money was there to pay for a wedding.

Maybe your OH genuinely doesn't see the point in proposing when he doesn't see how he's going to be able to pay for a wedding?

Maybe when he thinks of saving for a wedding it conjures up visions of no beer or night out or fun for months and months and it makes the whole idea of getting wed that little bit less appealing?

gorgeous_gwen

miserly_mum, we have a little money "put away". Not quite £4000 though!

In all honesty I don't mind not having a big wedding, I'd be happy to get married in the registry office and have a nice meal and a little party afterwards. I really can't see myself in a big fancy dress getting married in a swish hotel with a massive reception with lots of long-lost relatives there Boyf has different ideas depending on what day you ask him lol:rolleyes:

Re: a proposal, I'm not looking for that, or maybe I've already had it as he said during one conversation, do you want to marry me and I said yes and that was that!

I think I'm looking for something, but I'm not sure what, to feel he is wanting marriage, I'd hate to think he'd gone off the idea but just got carried along. It's just puzzling me because at times he seems really keen then other times comes across like it's the last thing on his mind. So many people have asked us about it and he just shrugs and smiles- including his mum!

gorgeous_gwen

You know how when you want to forget about something, it keeps coming up right at the front of your thoughts?:eek: I resolved to not worry about it for a while thinking I can have some time easing off but not going to happen. Was thinking of having a chat later but every time we speak about it I think he's going to say am I on about it again?!

Bogof_Babe

How about making a deal with him - he gives you half an hour undistracted time to put both your cards on the table, and you promise whatever the outcome you won't mention it again for say two months?

During this discussion, you could offer to organize the entire thing, not making any demands on him whatsoever other than to agree a date and turn up on the day. If he wants a best man, that would be his sole responsibility to sort out. There's a lot of weddingy stuff that bewilders men, so if you show you are not planning to drag him into any of the arrangements, he might feel like that's a weight off his mind.

gorgeous_gwen

He's off pottering about so once I've gotten baby to bed I shall be having that talk...