Getting married when you already live together, have children and the rest anyway!

Mrs_Ryan

thanks everyone - you've been so lovely - thank you.

I really do want to leave him, Im starting to think about moving back to my parents now, Im looking for a job up there already. Its going to take a few months to do but Im hoping to be out of this relationship by early next year. He knows he makes me unhappy but just keeps putting me on a guilt trip. I think he realises Im close to leaving but he doesnt really seem to care anymore which I think is going to be the final nail in the coffin. Unless he dramatically changes his ways (which I cant see happening, tbh) I will go - definitely. Im hoping to be able to say in the New Year I had the courage to leave him - watch this space.

The house thing is relevant kind of as another reason he refuses to marry me is because he doesnt want me getting my hands on his house. Im so mad at myself for not having the courage to leave him but my last couple of relationships have been problematic as well - I had to leave one ex due to domestic violence and my last ex got me pregnant, then dumped me and denied it was his, and the subsequent miscarriage made me quite seriously ill - so I guess Im frightened of another situation developing. But Im having the courage ot at least think about it now... thanks so much again everyone. xx

lynzpower

Good luck with that Mrs R x

margaretclare

Yes, good luck indeed, MrsRyan. Although I think possibly that luck is not what's needed here - just take your courage in your hands and go!!

Of course I had got it wrong - you can't tell him to go and not come back, you're in his house, under sufferance, just there as long as it pleases him. So, if you have another possibility, if you are able to go back to your parents', then just go. Gather your courage in both hands, say 's*d you, I'm worth better than this', and go. If you think I don't know what I'm talking about, yes I do. It's exactly what I did in the early weeks of my first marriage, and in those days, let me tell you, leaving your husband was most certainly not the approved way of doing things - but I did it nevertheless.

One reason for not wanting to marry you is 'he doesn't want you getting his hands on his house'? That's even worse, it's an absolute insult.

Let me tell you, when you really fall in love with someone, who does or does not get his/her hands on the house is completely irrelevant. I fell in love all over again aged 62 and I invited him to move in with me. And when we married 5 years later, we put the title into joint names, so that he is completely equal with me. I couldn't have it otherwise. 'All that I am I give you, all that I have I share with you'. He walked out of his last marriage and left her with the house and houseful of goods - walked out with practically what he stood up in, drove away in his rusty old car and never looked back.

'Today is the start of the rest of your life', remember.

PS: I can see how your previous toxic relationships have damaged your self-esteem and feeling of self-worth. There are courses you can do at a local college which may help. You think you're worth nothing better than this creep who is just using you until something more fanciable comes along and 'doesn't want you getting your hands on his house' - grrrrr! But you ARE worth much more.

Pee

Mrs Ryan, I hope you get a job near your parents soon so that you can move on. No wonder you were crying, that is a horrid thing to say...

You will be much happier once you have moved on.

seven-day-weekend

It seems that some people have a 'relationship' that is basically really no more than flatmates who sleep together.

This is so degrading and so against what a loving marriage is all about that such a person is imho much better off out of the 'relationship'.

I wish everyone well who is having an unhappy time at the moment and hope you are moving on to better things soon.

gorgeous_gwen

Mrs_Ryan, I remember reading something previously you posted about your other half. Excuse me for not mincing my words but I think he is a right pr!ck who is taking advantage of your good nature and actually thinks you will stay no matter what for some unfathomable reason. I am very glad to read that you are planning to leave.

Boyf was with me the other day when I was talking wedding rings with a friend who is planning her wedding. Later on after said friend had gone, we were chatting about marriage and he said having listened to me and her talking earlier, he realised how important it was to women (:rolleyes:) and how much it meant and how he felt pleased he could do something that would make me so happy. I guess he's not so bad after all;)

ceridwen

stingeylass wrote: »

But, if you desperately want to get married and are waiting for a proposal, why can't you be the one that proposes to him?

Not very romantic...but at least you'd know where you stand - or otherwise. Its the uncertainty that is the biggest problem in many situations - once one knows what the situation is - then you can get on and deal with it.

ceridwen

Having read through the whole thread now - its certainly thought-provoking.

Its true that a wedding is "just a piece of paper" and people should be staying together with each other because they "want to" - rather than feeling they "have to" on the one hand. Thats certainly the case.

On the other hand - if one of the people concerned (either of them) isnt going to feel properly "settled" unless a relationship is "official" - then I think the other person will respect that fact and have the wedding - even if its not important to them personally. I quite liked the attitude of the male poster earlier who said that he wasnt concerned about it personally - but if it makes her happy (ie to be married) then it makes him happy, so he'll do it. Thats what its about isnt it? - wanting each other to be happy.
I would say that one of the definitions of love is wanting each other to be happy - but then I would I guess (as my father takes the attitude to my mother that "if she wants it/if it makes her happy - then shes to have it"). I would expect the same attitude from any man I was in a relationship with.

I was wondering what I would do personally if I had wanted to marry someone enough (back in my younger days.....) and thinking: "Well that would have been relatively easy to deal with if I had wanted children - I wouldnt have stayed with them unless they wanted children too." So - I would have just waited for their "parental hormones" to kick in and they proposed to me (as I certainly wouldnt have had children unless I was married to the father of them in advance of their conception). As someone who doesnt/didnt want children - hmmm.....I dont quite know what I would have done actually - well....hang on...I guess I do when I think of it....they would have known I wouldnt be living with them unless and until I was married to them:D. I know.....I know....that makes me very old-fashioned in that respect....I dont disagree with living together. If thats what people choose to do - thats up to them. Just personally - I felt I knew where I stood - which was either:
- a girlfriend (yep...with "that" included..:D) - ie only dating them (not living with them)
OR
- married to them

Since those were the only two options on the table - if they'd wanted me enough...then they would have HAD to marry me to be under the same roof as me...makes life a LOT easier if theres fewer options "on the table"..;):D

Hmmm....I never really sat down and realised before now that I had only ever had just those two options on the table - it wasnt a conscious decision that "you want me enough to live with me - then you marry me first" - but I can see now that that is what I was doing. Perhaps it would be a good idea for women to decide that they wont live with and/or have children by someone unless they are married to them first ...would save a LOT of trouble....just a thought...

Bogof_Babe

Ceridwen I know exactly where you are coming from, re. the living together thing.

I feel that once a woman has allowed her bloke to move in, without the attached strings of a formal relationship (i.e. marriage), she has burnt her boats as regards him deciding in due course to tie the knot. I feel that in most cases any subsequent marriage will be as a result of her putting emotional pressure on him, however subtly she does so.

Men who genuinely want to marry a particular woman will almost always make the running, so it is safe to assume that if they don't "propose" (to use an old-fashioned concept), then they will be more than happy to take the benefits of living together while staying "single" in the legal sense.

I'd love to see some posts on here from men, whether cohabiting or married first, being honest about their level of emotional and practical commitment, and in the case of the married ones what made them decide to "make an honest woman of her". I will be sad if none of them say it was because they loved their girlfriend so much that marriage seemed like the natural thing to do.

MrsE_2

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Ceridwen I know exactly where you are coming from, re. the living together thing.

I feel that once a woman has allowed her bloke to move in, without the attached strings of a formal relationship (i.e. marriage), she has burnt her boats as regards him deciding in due course to tie the knot. I feel that in most cases any subsequent marriage will be as a result of her putting emotional pressure on him, however subtly she does so.

Men who genuinely want to marry a particular woman will almost always make the running, so it is safe to assume that if they don't "propose" (to use an old-fashioned concept), then they will be more than happy to take the benefits of living together while staying "single" in the legal sense.

I sooooooooooooo disagree with this, lots & lots (of sensible) couples live together before marriage.

I lived with my DH before we married & TBH, it was him that pushed for marriage.