MIL - am I a bad person?

nickyhutch

The lady who passed away wont know or care (whether that's true or not depends on your beliefs, though), but OP's OH might just want her support or presence, don't you think? It's not just about the person who died, but also those left behind.

Susan_Frost

I am sorry that MIL lost her mum, but there does seem to be a bit of deliberateness about this when out of four days she chose a day she already knew was her grandson's birthday. If she forgot her own grandchild's birthday cos she was so upset, she was certainly reminded within an hour of booking and could easily have had it changed.

The party is not just the child, others have been invited and OP has made arrangements.

I think OP should stick to her arrangements, and get a babysitter for a couple of hours and attend the funeral service depending on the timings.

OP no you are not a nasty person.

jackieb

loobylou2 wrote: »

I don't go to funerals only weddings and christenings because life is for living but it dosen"t mean that when I lose a loved one and don"t go to the funeral that I don"t have any respect for them. It just means that I"m for life not death, the lady who has passed away won"t care whether or not the OP is at her funeral or not but the MIL who didn"t even want to be at the party in the first instance even before her mother died will!!! I know she's just lost her mother but from reading the original post she sounds as if she could be the sort of MIL who is hard work anyway. OP even after reading all the replies I still think you should have your party, I agree with Supermom on this one. You are a mum first after all!!!

You're entitled to make your own choices but I think you're in the minority here. What do you do to show your respect for a loved one if you don't go to their funeral? How do their family know you're being respectful if you're not at the funeral? I'm for life too - I think most of us are!! I don't like going to funerals but it's something I need to do. My aunt's funeral on Monday was a celebration of her LIFE. As I said, I don't particularly like going to funerals but it's comforting. My aunt had a big funeral. It showed how well she was liked. It meant an awful lot to her husband and my dad.

loobylou2

nickyhutch wrote: »

The lady who passed away wont know or care (whether that's true or not depends on your beliefs, though), but OP's OH might just want her support or presence, don't you think? It's not just about the person who died, but also those left behind.

Can I take it that you are also including the OP and her son in this statement then?. Like me she might just be someone who does not like going to funerals ( I had to attend 3 in one week once and it was not a pleasant experience!!!) and wants to put her son first which is what as a mother she should be doing anyway. If her OH needs her support then she simply needs to find a way to compromise with him and his family by perhaps just going to the service and having her party afterwards. Why do people get so worked up over funerals?? They're supposed to be a celebration of a life passed aren"t they not some big family drama???

mountainofdebt

Its my niece I feel sorry for .....my FIL died on her birthday.

To be honest OP, I don't think your son is going to hold it against you if you change the date / time of his 1st birthday party.......he'll be too busy blaming other things on you when he's older!

whitewing

I know quite a few of the older generation who don't go to funerals. My nan knew loads of people across the generations and went to hundreds of funerals in her lifetime, and was actively involved in many.

During the last few years of her life though she went to far fewer, because they upset her much more.

Funerals mean different things to different people.

loobylou2

jackieb wrote: »

You're entitled to make your own choices but I think you're in the minority here. What do you do to show your respect for a loved one if you don't go to their funeral? How do their family know you're being respectful if you're not at the funeral? I'm for life too - I think most of us are!! I don't like going to funerals but it's something I need to do. My aunt's funeral on Monday was a celebration of her LIFE. As I said, I don't particularly like going to funerals but it's comforting. My aunt had a big funeral. It showed how well she was liked. It meant an awful lot to her husband and my dad.

You show your respect for a loved one by the way in which you treat them whilst they are alive!!! If you love and respect them whilst they are alive then both they and other family members will know that. I know plenty of people who haven"t got along with their relatives etc and then gone to the funeral when they"ve passed away. To me doing things like that is just hypocritical just as going to a funeral
when you don"t actually want to go would be hypocritical.

margaretclare

loobylou2 wrote: »

Well I'm in my 40"s now and I still get reminded from time to time that my late grandfather would not have had the first of a series of strokes if he hadn"t had to drive my grandmother over to babysit for me because my mother was unwell when I was a baby!!!

This is nonsense, as anyone who has the slightest bit of medical knowledge could have told you. A person doesn't suddenly have a stroke 'out of the blue' and because of a normal event, like driving, unless there is what the medics call 'underlying pathology'. In other words he could have had the stroke at any time, when he was sitting peacefully in his chair or asleep in bed. Or if his favourite team had either won or not won when he was watching televised football - that could have caused a temporary spike in his blood-pressure!

Me, if I was offered the choice of 3 dates for a funeral, I would always plump for the earliest one, in this case it would have been the Friday. But that's personal - I agree with the Muslims and the Jews on this one (not on much else!!) I think it's disrespectful to the dead person to leave him/her in cold storage for longer than necessary. Yes, I know they're dead and can't feel. That's not the point. Last spring we attended a cremation in which, due to a crematorium backlog, the funeral was 3 weeks after the death. 3 weeks!!! All I could think of all the way through the service and the subsequent tea-and-sandwiches was that this poor man would have been in a fridge somewhere for all that time.

It won't happen with us, thank goodness. We're having a 'green burial' and for that, it has to be more speedy than most people reckon on nowadays.

loobylou2

margaretclare wrote: »

This is nonsense, as anyone who has the slightest bit of medical knowledge could have told you. A person doesn't suddenly have a stroke 'out of the blue' and because of a normal event, like driving, unless there is what the medics call 'underlying pathology'. In other words he could have had the stroke at any time, when he was sitting peacefully in his chair or asleep in bed. Or if his favourite team had either won or not won when he was watching televised football - that could have caused a temporary spike in his blood-pressure!

Me, if I was offered the choice of 3 dates for a funeral, I would always plump for the earliest one, in this case it would have been the Friday. But that's personal - I agree with the Muslims and the Jews on this one (not on much else!!) I think it's disrespectful to the dead person to leave him/her in cold storage for longer than necessary. Yes, I know they're dead and can't feel. That's not the point. Last spring we attended a cremation in which, due to a crematorium backlog, the funeral was 3 weeks after the death. 3 weeks!!! All I could think of all the way through the service and the subsequent tea-and-sandwiches was that this poor man would have been in a fridge somewhere for all that time.

It won't happen with us, thank goodness. We're having a 'green burial' and for that, it has to be more speedy than most people reckon on nowadays.

Well I agree with you MargaretClare it is nonsense, I trained to be a nurse and am not so stupid that I now do not now see it for the nonsense which it is however it is also an experience which I had at the hands of my relatives and when I was younger it was a very unkind experience to have. Can I suggest that you read my earlier posts re this before you start making assumptions??.

whitewing

loobylou2,

I read margaretclare's post as to be totally supporting you, and in no way suggesting anything negative towards you.