MIL - am I a bad person?

Errata

I organised this weeks ago and have invited quite a few friends round and sorted food and things

I wonder if the OP is struggling with this because these friends are her adult friends ?

loobylou2

Well I'm in my 40"s now and I still get reminded from time to time that my late grandfather would not have had the first of a series of strokes if he hadn"t had to drive my grandmother over to babysit for me because my mother was unwell when I was a baby!!! Families can and do say awful things to each other and it is possible that as he grows up the little boy could be reminded that his birthdate falls on the same day that his great grandmothers funeral was held. Its certainly not beyond the realms of possibility!!!

nickyhutch

And have you been scarred by being reminded of that? I guess not; I do think it was unnecessary and a tad cruel though. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

loobylou2

nickyhutch wrote: »

And have you been scarred by being reminded of that? I guess not; I do think it was unnecessary and a tad cruel though. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

Of course I"m not scarred by it but families can and do say some unkind things to one another at times and it isn"t a particularly nice thing to be reminded of. I just think though that its possible that the OP's son could feel the same way if the funeral is held on his birthday and some kind relative decides to mention it when he is older thats all and thats why I think its about having respect not only for people who have passed away but also those who still have their lives in front of them. But then the OP will have her own ideas about the behaviour of both her and her OH's families,

jackieb

If a close relative of mine had passed away and I knew that another relative (by marriage!) was wanting to change the date of the funeral because of a first birthday, I honestly wouldn't think much of them. What if your son had been born on the day of her funeral? Would you have been angry then? There would have been nothing you could have done about it.

I was at my aunt's funeral yesterday. Some people drove 12 hours to pay their respects. It meant so much to my dad (it was his sister) and my uncle to know they'd made such an effort.

I'm always going to be reminded of the date my aunt died because Michael Jackson died in the same hour. Should I be angry at him? That just doesn't make sense. I think it's very selfish of the OP. Guests would understand if the party was postponed or even cancelled. The party's for your benefit really as your son is going to be none the wiser.

Have a heart. Have some compassion for your husband's family.

whitewing

Unless the actual times clash, I would say do both on the same day.

I can understand how the funeral got booked in error for that day, and can understand how it seemed too much hassle for MIL to rearrange (although maybe DH should have stepped in at that point).

The funerals I have been to, have been sad but also heartwarming and there's something quite nice about a tribute to great-granny on the same day. (It would be much different if it were maybe someone who went before their time).

I think the worst situation would be to have the funeral on the birthday and the bday party on another day.

peachyprice

Sorry, but to say that the child will always be reminded that his birthday is the anniversary of Grandmas funeral is ridiculous. You don't remember people on the anniversary of their funeral, you remember them on the anniversary of their death. In a few years time no-one will remember what day the funeral was on, unless OP keeps dragging it up.

Errata

peachyprice wrote: »

Sorry, but to say that the child will always be reminded that his birthday is the anniversary of Grandmas funeral is ridiculous. You don't remember people on the anniversary of their funeral, you remember them on the anniversary of their death. In a few years time no-one will remember what day the funeral was on, unless OP keeps dragging it up.

I have to agree, and it's the childs great grandma - which will make her an even more distant relative for him, and one he will have no memory of.

luxor4t

nickyhutch wrote: »

And why on earth would family members want to mention to the little boy that his great-grandma's funeral was on his first birthday? Now THAT would be odd.

My mum STILL blames me because the doctor drank her cup tea just after I was born - I am over 50!

I couldn't go to my grandad's funeral because I was due to go into labour with DS1 - OK, 'blame' is too strong a hard word, it's more a joke now, but it was very odd at the time.

Families are weird.

cheepskate_2

I can't beleive what the O.P is debating.

This isn't a birthday party for a child, this is a adult get together. This child doesn't even have a clue about birthdays/ funerals etc .

My M.I.L died on my wedding anniversary(also her birthday) , buried on my brothers birthday. We dropped everything, I didn't need to cos it wasnt my mother(if i took the same view point as you) , but i loved and respected my husband enough to give my respects to her in his time of need.

Each time you mention about her mothers death you also put in you also have lost your mother, maybe something here that gets to you.